Talking Back to Dr. Phil: Alternatives to Mainstream Psychology

Praise for Talking Back to Dr. Phil…

David Bedrick takes on Dr. Phil in a intelligent, sensitive way that readers will find enlightening and validating. He uses Dr. Phil as a foil to give expression to a deeper, more comprehensive understanding of hot issues like race, gender, diet, sex, and power relationships. Here is the Anti-Dr. Phil—at last, someone who can stand up knowledgeably to Dr. Phil’s suave bullying.

—Robert W. Fuller, Ph.D.

Former president of Oberlin College and author of Somebodies and Nobodies and Religion and Science

"At last someone is taking on Dr. Phil with good sense and great humor. Life isn’t a sixty-minute show where people just come in for the laying on of hands. Life is about working it all out with family, community, and love. Good for Mr. Bedrick to decide to pull off the gloves and have an emotional slugfest with an over-the-high-school bully. Talking Back to Dr. Phil is a must read. But not at dinnertime … you’ll be laughing too hard to eat."

—Nikki Giovanni

Poet

David Bedrick understands that real change or transformation requires challenging accepted dogma and then approaching problems with compassion and curiosity. A great advocate for stopping the madness of body hatred and dieting.

—Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter

Authors of Overcoming Overeating and When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies

"In Talking Back to Dr. Phil, David Bedrick contrasts mainstream mental health and psychology with a new approach based on love and radical belief. Main stream psychology tells us we are sick, bad, or wrong. But for Bedrick our fatigues, aches, pains, anxieties, low moods, and even the difficulties we encounter in our jobs and relationships, are all educational and growing opportunities with out which we would not develop more awareness. I agree with Bedrick that our sickness deserves our love because it contains the medicine toward our wholeness and well-being."

—Pierre Morin, M.D., Ph.D.

Coauthor of Inside Coma and clinical director of Lutheran Community Services

"In Talking Back to Dr. Phil, David Bedrick gets it right. He isn’t talking back just to Dr. Phil but to a whole century of normative psychology, an approach to mental health that has more to do with socialization than with well-being. Bedrick adds a crucial missing piece to the equation: love. Not just ordinary love but love of our uniqueness, diversity, and struggles—a kind of love sorely missing in mainstream psychology. A modern-day Walt Whitman, Bedrick sings the beauty of our humanity and exhorts us to do the same, to prize the deepest levels of our diversity and express the many wonderful, crazy, and colorful ways there are of being human."

—Julie Diamond, Ph.D.

Organizational consultant, coach, and coauthor of A Path Made by Walking

David Bedrick has written an articulate and thought-provoking book challenging the conventional applications of mainstream psychology. His writing introduces the reader to a love-based psychology that embraces personal challenges with care and consideration and offers the possibility that insight can be gained through exploring the difficulties themselves. His work is a valuable and refreshing contribution to the field of psychology and is an invitation to each of us to embrace all that we are and, in so doing, become all that we may be.

—Stephen Schuitevoerder, Ph.D.

International consultant and president of the Process Work Institute

When it comes to domestic violence, the silence of physicians, therapists, counselors, clerics, parents, and even prosecutors and judges must end. Mr. Bedrick’s plea for seeing this complex familial problem with clarity and genuine compassion is indispensable to any progress in helping victims protect themselves rather than our current practice of blaming them.

—Elizabeth

Welch Senior Circuit Court Judge, Portland, Oregon

This groundbreaking book demystifies mainstream psychology by calling out Dr. Phil, showing not only the limitations of his approach, which seeks to restore and maintain ‘normal’ behavior, but how it perpetuates a mode of psychologizing that reinforces the very pathology it purports to heal. David Bedrick reveals symptoms as allies assisting in growth and insight rather than as signs of sickness or deviations from a norm. And rather than focus only on individuals, he demonstrates how society fosters disturbances that, when processed, contribute to transforming not only the individuals but their relationships, groups, and potentially society itself. As such, Bedrick offers new directions for addressing some of the most perplexing issues of our time, from lying and pornography to addiction and racism.

—Herbert D. Long, Th.D., Dipl. PW

Former dean and Francis Greenwood Peabody lecturer, Harvard University Divinity School, and adjunct faculty member, Marylhurst University

"Talking Back to Dr. Phil gives us a new vision of psychology, one where people are seen not as functional or dysfunctional but in terms of their diversity, and where awareness and dialogue are more important than labels. When people are supported to express their deepest hopes, dreams, and fears, they become reconnected to their humanity and we take one step closer to creating a beloved community. A breath of fresh air."

—Vassiliki Katrivanou, M.A.

Member of the Greek Parliament, therapist, and Mediation and Conflict Resolution trainer

"Talking Back to Dr. Phil is a breath of fresh air to those who have been hurt and put down by the righteous morality and shame of popular psychology. Bedrick, in daring to pull back the veil of the status quo, reveals an approach that invites self-discovery, finds meaning and purpose in problems, and values the social challenges of our times. Anyone who longs for the freedom of their own individual path of heart will be uplifted by this book."

—Dawn Menken, Ph.D.

Psychotherapist and author of Speak Out! Talking about Love, Sex and Eternity

"Talking Back to Dr. Phil is full of humor, wisdom, and compassion. Bedrick takes a fresh, holistic approach to psychology, recognizing that feelings are not to be repressed and overcome but actually provide a pathway into deep healing."

—Jennifer Means, N.D., M.Ac.O.M.

Remarkable! Bedrick’s perspective on dieting and weight loss gave me goose bumps.

—Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.

Editor-in-chief of Self Help Magazine, lead author of The Mental Health Professional and the New Technologies, and executive director of the Telemental Health Institute

For many women, it is revolutionary to realize that what will silence the accusatory inner body-image voice isn’t losing weight but rather listening to the body’s wisdom. It could definitely be said that the essays on diet and body image in this book are a work of Spirit through and through.

—Andrea Hollingsworth, Ph.D.

Assistant professor of Christian Thought, Berry College

Published by: Belly Song Press

518 Old Santa Fe Trail

Suite 1 #626

Santa Fe, NM 87505

www.bellysongpress.com

Editor: Ellen Kleiner

Book design and production: Ann Lowe

Cover image: Ann Lowe

Copyright © 2013 by David Bedrick

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means except for brief quotations in reviews or for purposes of criticism, commentary, or scholarship without written permission from the publisher.

Talking Back to Dr. Phil is factually accurate, except that names, locales, and minor aspects of some essays have been altered to preserve coherence while protecting privacy.

Printed in the United States of America on recycled paper

PUBLISHER’S CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Bedrick, David.

Talking back to Dr. Phil : alternatives to mainstream psychology/David Bedrick ; foreword by Arnold Mindell. -- Santa Fe, N.M. : Belly Song Press, c2013.

p. ; cm.

ISBN: 978-0-9852667-0-7 (print) ; 978-0-9852667-1-4 (ebk.) Includes bibliographical references and index.

Summary: A critique of mainstream psychology’s ineffectiveness, neglect of the personal and social meaning behind people’s suffering, lack of diversity-mindedness, and predisposition to shame rather than understand people. It takes Dr. Phil as a representative, a straw man, for this kind of thinking. Discussing sixteen specific episodes of the Dr. Phil show, the book provides alternative perspectives on such topics as lying, judging, labeling, dieting, anger, shame, addictions, relationships, domestic violence, race, and gender.

1. Psychology--Philosophy. 2. McGraw, Phillip C., 1950-3. Mental health counseling--Practice. 4. Social psychology. 5. Suffering--Psychological aspects. 6. Self-help techniques. 7. Sexism--Psychological aspects. 8. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title. II. Title: Alternatives to mainstream psychology.

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

To dreams,

dreaming,

and the dreaming earth

Acknowledgments

ABOUT TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO, I had the privilege of hearing the music and poetry of Etheridge Knight, a freedom-loving black poet living in Boston. I contacted him years later knowing he would not remember me; nonetheless, he invited me to his home, where he recited his poems and made up new ones for me, including We struggle to be, we struggle to be free. Me, thee, and we. I explained that Belly Song, the title poem of one of his books, was near and dear to me, whereupon he asked me to tell it. I shyly began to speak the three pages of poetry from memory. His leathery face, worn from racism, prison, drugs, and alcohol, streamed with his tears. You own that poem; I give it to you, he said. His gift left me feeling worthy of writing.

I am forever grateful to him and to my many great teachers, including Arny and Amy Mindell, Max Schupbach, Salome Schwarz, and Jerry Fjerkenstad, all of whom have helped me unfold my dreams and shown me the spiritual and psychological power of process-oriented psychology. The worldwide Process Work community of teachers and therapists has laid before me the workings of a world in love and compassion as well as in war and in conflict; I am deeply indebted to these women and men. And I am humbled by the generosity of Markus Marty, whose process of dying of AIDS healed me and many others; by Makwa, whose indigenous nature endured great suffering even as he sang my name to me; and by Renae Hanson, who helped me come to know my story.

In addition, I extend gratitude to African American educators, writers, and activists Cornel West, James Baldwin, Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, bell hooks, and Howard Thurman, who have taught me that justice is love in action, love in the world. This book represents my voice informed by their mission.

I also appreciate the impressive work of Ellen Kleiner, my editor, who loved this manuscript enough to challenge it, critique it, and craft it for publication. She knew I was pregnant and steadily midwifed the medium of my message through its sometimes arduous passage.

Then, too, my mother and father, both deceased, sacrificed some of their own dreams so that mine could be realized. My father called me a dreamer, and my mother told me to stop trying to change the world; subsequently I became a dream analyst and activist. Still, they saw me and their words found their proper place in me. Now my dreams have become theirs.

My deepest gratitude and love extend to my wife Lisa, my best friend, who has created beauty, sweetness, joy, and tenderness during the years it took to make this book a reality. She has read each sentence and citation countless times, lovingly holding my hand amidst challenges and celebrating each moment of accomplishment.

Contents

Foreword by Arnold Mindell, Ph.D.

Introduction

Part I     Labeling, Lies, Judgment, and Anger

Call Me Crazy: Is Psychology Making Us Sick?

Cocreating Dishonesty: Sex, Lies, and Psychology

In the Shadow of Our Judgments: Ethics and Psychology

Anger: Befriending the Beast

Part II   Relationships

Having It Out: Sustainable Alternatives to Compromise

Relationship Conflict: What’s Gender Got to Do with It?

Rank Dynamics: The Anatomy of an Affair

Part III Diets and Body Image

Married to Dieting: Banking on Failure

Dieting As an American Koan: Zen and the Art of Weight Loss

Can I Get a Witness? Taking a Stand against Assaults on Body Image

Part IV Addictions and Obsessions

Substances As Allies: The Urge for Altered States

Making Me Over: Obsessing about Obsessions

Part V   Diversity

All Together Now: Appreciating Family Diversity

Passion through the Ages: Sex and Shame

Breaking It Down: Black Youths, Sports, and Education

Part VI Domestic Violence

Don’t We Look Happy? The Silence around Domestic Violence

Let Suffering Speak: Bearing Witness to Domestic Violence

Notes

Bibliography

Index

Foreword

PSYCHOLOGY NEEDS NEW BLOOD. Talking Back to Dr. Phil provides just that. It offers a sense of magic and good feeling behind the veil of psychological labeling to reveal the meaning behind people’s suffering. Its scope is wide-ranging, encompassing many issues of interest to practitioners of psychology, as well as to ordinary people in contemporary society who seek a better understanding of their problems and behaviors. It tackles the issue of domestic violence, focusing not only on victims and perpetrators but on the role our culture plays by denying pain and insisting that people appear happy. It takes on the issue of weight loss, standing up for women’s sense of beauty and empowerment against a $60 billion diet industry. It deals with relationship conflict, a topic many try to get around by recommending compromise and harmony without getting to the guts of the deeper problems people face. It breaks new ground in essays on addictions and obsessions, exploring the deep reasons people use substances instead of viewing them as quick fixes and delivering moral critiques. Its commitment to social justice shines through in chapters on race and education; gender, age, and sexuality; and family diversity.

David Bedrick is the ideal guide who masters both the realist’s and the dreamer’s overview of today’s world. He is a fierce advocate of diversity both in our global community and in ourselves. His background as an attorney, therapist, and teacher are evident in this book, but behind the words, critiques, and new solutions offered are a deep love and tenderness toward people and the difficulties they suffer. Talking Back to Dr. Phil is a fun, psychologically educational, and brilliant yet easy-to-read book that dives into the essence and emerges with loving and realistic advice about everyday life.

Thank you, David, for making this rich and accessible contribution to the understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

—Arnold Mindell, Ph.D.

Yachats, Oregon

Introduction

It is more interesting, more complicated, more intellectually demanding and more morally demanding to love somebody, to take care of somebody, to make one other person feel good.

—Toni Morrison

THE PURPOSE OF Talking Back to Dr. Phil is to further a dialogue about the role and practice of psychology in today’s society. In our modern culture, everyone practices psychology. Psychological thinking is so woven into our day-to-day lives that we attribute almost everything disturbing to us about ourselves or others to a psychological problem in need of diagnosis and treatment. When we experience disturbing feelings, we say we are depressed, hot tempered, overly sensitive, insecure, or have low self-esteem. When we become aware of disturbing patterns of behavior, we say we are lazy, undisciplined, out of control, self-medicating, or judgmental. We also show this predilection for diagnosing when we are disturbed by other people’s emotions and behaviors, assuming that they have anger issues, lack self-control, are egotistical, narcissistic, out of touch, depressed, irresponsible, or lazy. We even diagnose whole groups of people who disturb us, concluding that they are immoral, oversexed, greedy, menacing, manipulative, untrustworthy, irresponsible, or criminal.

Supporting the practice of this kind of psychology are many professional analysts and scores of books, magazines, Internet sites, and television programs suggesting ways to rid people of disturbing feelings and behavior patterns, all the while bombarding us with messages that we are in need of correction or reprogramming. Such sources guide us to stop eating certain foods or ingesting certain substances, as if there were nothing to learn from exploring our yearnings; to stop making certain choices, as if there were no deeper reasons for our actions; to antidepress, as if emotions that move us into ourselves have nothing to offer us. We are told, Stop eating that, Don’t worry so much, Don’t judge, Forgive, apologize, Be honest, Make different choices, Don’t be so aggressive (sensitive, passive, cold, bold, insecure), Don’t act on your attraction to certain people, Stop falling in love with the wrong people, Be more reasonable (rational, normal). However, such psychological platitudes focusing on individuals’ inadequacies rarely address the issues underlying people’s behaviors or offer ways to deepen personal transformation.

THE APPROACH OF MAINSTREAM PSYCHOLOGY

The average person, your own naive unconsciousness, leads you to believe that medicine will heal your body, that psychology will make you more reasonable, and that being nice will help you win your relationships problems.

— Arnold Mindell

The powerful habit we have all learned of viewing aspects of ourselves and others that disturb us as inadequacies or pathologies to be corrected I call the practice of mainstream psychology. Mainstream psychology, with its roots in allopathic medicine, regards people’s difficulties as symptoms of illness, and feelings and behaviors outside the norm as needing to be suppressed or eliminated—instead of exploring their underlying meanings for information that could aid in personal transformation and seeing beauty, power, and intelligence in their diversity. In essence, it meets what disturbs people with the simple question What is wrong with them? In the process of doing so, mainstream psychology often discards the seeds of more authentic lives, more sustainable relationships, and more enlightened communities.

The norms inherent in mainstream psychology’s diagnoses essentially reflect the majority’s values, beliefs, and viewpoints regarding psychological health. As such, it is a psychology often in service of normalizing people, seeking to help them act more reasonably and get along better with others even when accommodation is contrary to their natures and life paths. In these ways, mainstream psychology ignores the role psychology can play in helping people find meaning and power in their difficulties, make contact with the magic and mystical elements of life, and be nurtured by their uniqueness and diversity.

AN ALTERNATIVE TO MAINSTREAM PSYCHOLOGY—A LOVE-BASED PSYCHOLOGY

You are who you are because somebody loved you.

—Cornel West

An alternative to mainstream psychology is a love-based psychology that views people, including their disturbing feelings and behaviors, as a reflection of nature’s diversity. We look upon nature—bees building and sustaining their hives, bats eating fruit and reseeding forests, worms aerating the earth, birds performing a colorful mating dance—and marvel at the beauty, power, and intelligence in the diversity of nature down to its smallest details. It is as if, in the words of poet William Butler Yeats, every thing we look upon is blest.¹ The awe the natural world inspires moves us to carefully observe it, caringly protect it, and reach to it for solace and communion. We don’t try to correct nature’s diversity of expression so that it conforms to our views of preferred behavior or activities. We don’t see a winter that lingers on as lazy or an unexpected storm as undisciplined but accept and appreciate the varied seasons and forces inherent in nature. We see the natural world’s expressions—every color, shape, sound, and pattern of behavior—as imbued with meaning and the potential for evolution.

Consequently, since people are part of nature and exhibit