Together We Heal: A Real-Life Portrait of Recovery in Group Therapy for Adult Children of Alcoholics

What People Are Saying About Together We Heal

"Together We Heal eloquently describes how ten people walk through recovery together. The authors' approach is more enlightening and offers a fuller perspective than previous works on the subject." - Claudia Black, MSW, Ph.D. Founding Board Member of the National Association of Children of Alcoholics Author of It Will Never Happen to Me, It's Never Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood, My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease

"Together We Heal answers a long awaited question; 'What do we do now?' If you are an adult child or you work with adult children, this book is for you. It helps us to understand not only ourselves, but also how working in a group allows us to heal. Szifra Birke and Kathy Mayer's book is insightfully written and breaks down the fears about how to find recovery. It is a healing book!" - Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. Founding Board Member of the National Association of Children of Alcoholics Professor Indiana University of Pennsylvania Author of Perfect Daughters, Children of Alcoholics, Let Go and Grow

"Together We Heal is an intriguing look into the healing process ...Plenty to identify with...Birke and Mayer make the steps to recovery come alive." - Karen Paine-Gernee Author of Emotional Healing

"From the clinician's perspective, Together We Heal paints a comprehensive and accurate portrait of the group therapy process as well as presenting useful insights, commentary and therapeutic techniques. From the client's point of view, Together We Heal clearly illustrates how adult children can heal from the pain, shame and isolation they experienced while growing up. I recommend this book most enthusiastically." - Joan Rubin-Deutsch, MSW, LICSW Author of Why Can't I Ever Be Good Enough? Escaping the Limits of Your Childhood Roles

Table of Contents

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT TOGETHER WE HEAL

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

PREFACE

INTRODUCTION

GROUP MEMBER INFORMATION

MEETING 1 Getting Acquainted

MEETING 2 Becoming Aware of Alcoholism's Impact

MEETING 3 What We Wish We Had Known About Alcoholism

MEETING 4 Our Childhood Experiences

MEETING 5 We Were So Often Alone

MEETING 6 Family Roles

MEETING 7 Recognizing Our Feelings

MEETING 8 Rewriting The Family Rules

MEETING 9 Feeling Powerless

MEETING 10 Our Addictive Behaviors

MEETING 11 Having Fun

MEETING 12 Sharing Feedback

MEETING 13 Dealing With Our Families Now

MEETING 14 Living Today

MEETING 15 Our Progress And Recovery

FINAL MEETING Using Our Tools

EPILOGUE

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

From contributions we received from ACOAs, we created fictional ACOAs who participate in the meetings in this book. These characters are composites of those who contributed material and ACOAs we have known.

Thank you, each of you, for sharing your experiences and feelings with us. Your words are more powerful, more deeply felt and more expressive than any we could create.

The names, biographical information, and family backgrounds in this book are fiction. The sadness, hurt, embarrassment, shame, despair, hope, anger, frustration, joy, and optimism—every feeling each of you has felt and shared are yours. Thank you again for sharing your feelings with us and with all who will read this book.

With special thanks, using the names you requested, to: Cliff, Penny, Alyson, Mary, Jim, Ann, Karen, Julie, Kathy, Julie, Lori, Ann, Concetta, John, Harold, Randall, H, Mitzi, Debby, Lynette, Tom, Dennis, Marilyn, Amy, Leslie, Pat, Roxie, Connie, Shortie, Lee, Fran, Mary, Paul, Michael, Ann, Jan, Jessica, Sue, Albert, Jennie, Sarah, C.G., Kathy, Joe, Ric, Joe, Phyllis, Pat, Shirley, Carrie, Hank, Lisa, Pat, Ray, Jim, Della, Cindi, Marilyn, Phyllis, Kate, Jane, David, Ray, Kelly, Randy, Marsha, Vera, Bill, Betty, Kelly, Carol, Jim, Wayne, Vicki, Steve, Harriet, Croales, Lee, Wendy, Frank, Jim, Ed, Joyce, Jeff, Kath, Sarah, Susan, Christine, Jean, Laurel, Penny, Christine, Kathy, Susie, Bill, John, Kilroy, Gina, Sarah, Christine, Marta, Yvonne, Jim, Linda, Cindy, Alice, Kevin, Sherry, Kay, Ellen, Nancy, David, Norm, Claudia, Casey, Dee, T, Shirly, Stephen, Charles, Jessie, Ozzie, Bud, Cheryl, Julia, Susan, Gail, William, Karen, Tim, Tom, India, Demory, Dennis, Becky, Jane, Jayne, Earl, Cherri, David, Cheri, Audrey, and Eddie.

To all the ACOAs who have shared their lives with us, thank you. This book is for all of you.

- Szifra and Kathy

Thank You

To my parents, Holocaust survivors. You endured unspeakable losses and still had something left to give to your children.

To my mother for your generosity and for having held on to your love of life. And to my father. Although you never found inner peace, you laughed from your soul and your metaphors were priceless.

To those who helped shape this book in its earlier incarnations: Claudia Black, Jack Fahey, Cheryl Woodruff, Mel Morgen Besser, Kara Cheek, Hope and Bernie Gulker, Lannie Le Gear, and Dorothy O'Byrne.

To those who helped form this new and improved version: Lisa Hochstein for your encouragement that I spend the requisite time for a design and book cover I could be proud of and for making that happen. To Helen Livingston for endless typing and hours of grammatical help while shivering! To Bob Livingston for proofreading assistance, Judy Livingston for computer help, John Rochford and Leslie Goldberg for proofreading and suggestions, Joan Rubin-Deutsch for your ongoing support, and Kate Haueisen for artistic brainstorming.

To Kathy without whom this book would not have been born. The world is a better place because you are in it.

To all adult children of alcoholics who have allowed me to accompany you on your very private journeys. An extra thank you to those whose song and poems are used.

To my sons Tov and Kol whom I thank beyond words for the opportunity to be your mother. You are exceptional people and have inspired and delighted me.

To my husband Jay Livingston. Your steady and encouraging presence expands and enriches me. Thank you for your patience, creative problem solving, fine thinking, and editing help each time I felt stuck. Those renaissance skills sure have come in handy!

To Szifra for years of help and encouragement, for believing in me, and for teaching me to believe in me.

To the ACOAs who shared with me in our group.

To my sisters and brothers for reading the ACOA material I gave you and for growing, yourselves, as we learned about alcoholism.

To Mom and Dad. Although you never discovered the joy of recovery, you gave everything you could to your children.

Thank you.

- Kathy

A personal note from Kathy

Dear Fellow ACOAs,

My dad always wanted to be a writer, but he never wrote. There were lots of things he never did. And I know now alcoholism had a lot to do with why that was.

I always wanted to be a writer too. And for a long time, I never wrote either until I learned how Dad's alcoholism impacted my life.

I've been more fortunate than Dad. He died from alcoholism without ever knowing the hope and excitement of recovery. He died while he and everyone else in our family pretended everything was fine. I knew it wasn't fine, but I lived as though it were. I didn't know I had any other choice. I ignored my internal pain; I concentrated on working hard, achieving, helping others, and acting happy.

Then one day I read a newspaper article about Szifra Birke, a therapist who counsels Adult Children of Alcoholics. ACOAs, the article read, often have every reason to be happy. Many have great jobs and homes. But they're not happy.

I cried reading the article. I called Szifra the next day. Since then I've cried a lot more, hurt a lot more, and thought at times I only wanted out. But I've also smiled and laughed a lot more, reached out to others and healed a lot.

One of the rewarding changes I made while learning about families and alcoholism was my decision to write. Before, the risk of someone else's reading what I wrote, the risk that it wouldn't be good enough, kept me from ever trying.

There are other rewards too. I'm closer to my family. I have friends. I have hopes. And I have times when I'm incredibly happy and content.

I'm Kathy in the meetings in this book. I chose to use my real name and talk about my own life. It's my way of reaching out and saying, I understand your feelings, I understand your hurt. But you don't have to hurt alone anymore. Together, we can help each other. We can recover from our families' alcoholism.

- Kathy

PREFACE

The stories of growing up in an alcoholic or other high-stress family remain remarkably similar today to those I wrote about in the first edition of Together We Heal. As you read, you're likely to find yourself saying, That's happened to me, or I know just how she feels. There's a universality in these situations that rings true across time and place.

While the pattern of the stories repeats itself in relative familiarity, some things have changed. Today, there's greater understanding of the effects of growing up in a high-stress family, as well as more knowledge about appropriate treatments. And, sadly, there is less public visibility.

Even though today's magazines and talk shows aren't focused on stories like the ones you'll read here, people are still affected by their alcoholic parents or siblings. And they're still dealing with their own compulsions and addictions—still struggling with core issues such as difficulty trusting themselves and others, or a hesitancy to talk about feelings.

Once again, it is time to acknowledge the needs of high-stress families and of the survivors. Thankfully, we have information today that wasn't available when Kathy and I first wrote this book. And, we have more data; we know that effective treatment changes lives.

If I were revising Together We Heal, I would introduce some topics and issues that don't appear in the current book.

One group member would be struggling with anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder, in addition to alcoholism. We would talk about the coexisting biological disorders with alcoholism and the genetic links. In group, we would discuss the pros and cons of taking medication for this, and how the group member would reconcile that with the clean and sober policy of Alcoholics Anonymous.

We'd also deal with the issue of male sexual abuse, so often misunderstood and denied. Other discussions might include learning disabilities, adult attention deficit disorder, gay and lesbian concerns, adult relationships with addicted siblings, trauma, and memory.

With this in mind, I hope reading Together We Heal will open new doors for you—doors of understanding, acceptance, hope, and opportunity for a better life. If you identified with some of these issues, or just want more information, go to my website at www.szifrabirke.com to read more.

- Szifra Birke

INTRODUCTION

Why a book about group?

From the early days of my work with young and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs) I realized that many of my clients felt alone, guilty, and unworthy. I knew that a group experience could offer them the opportunity to feel more connected, empowered, and encouraged.

In 1978, when I first started thinking about the importance of group treatment for Adult Children, few such groups were available. A gap existed that I knew couldn't be filled with just my groups! That's when I realized a book like Together We Heal needed to be written. If people couldn't get to a group, maybe I could deliver one to them.

About the same time, Kathy joined my ACOA group. Kathy had long wanted to be a writer but had never taken what she termed the risk of writing. As she began to resolve her ACOA issues, she began submitting her writing to the media. Her first publications were victories for both of us.

Humans are a lot alike

As a therapist, I am in the unique position of having people confide the thoughts and feelings they typically don't share. They tell me what makes them feel afraid, insecure, confused, depressed, anxious, guilty, ashamed—aspects of our basic humanness that we often hide from each other. Hearing others talk about their emotions reminds me how universal and normal these feelings are (and by extension, how normal I am when I feel the same way).

Group therapy offers people who aren't therapists a way to come into the private places I'm invited into, to discover the incredible relief of learning that other people's inner lives are more similar to our own than different. Over the years, clients have told me that this realization has been profound; it has changed their lives.

I hope someday each of you gets to experience the comfort of knowing your feelings and thoughts are okay, the experience of being in a supportive group. But, until then, this book can bring some of that experience to you.

If you don't have an alcoholic parent, don't worry.

There's plenty here for you!

Together We Heal was written initially with children of alcoholics in mind. In the intervening years, adults who grew up in families with other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, drug abuse, workaholism, or overeating have told us how helpful it was to attend this group. Many people in families with chronic illness or rigid religious attitudes have identified with the struggles of the group members, as have people who were adopted and/or who lived in foster care. If your parents' fighting scared you; if you pretended everything was fine; if you were physically, sexually, verbally, or psychologically abused; if you never knew what would set one of your parents off; if you lived with unpredictability or inconsistency; or if you are friends with or romantically involved with someone who grew up with alcohol abuse or other stress in the family, then reading this book could offer you insights and help.

As you learn in the book, Kathy is an ACOA; her father was alcoholic. My parents were Holocaust survivors. My father suffered with post-traumatic stress disorder, bought compulsively for his retail store, over-ate despite developing insulin-dependent diabetes; he raged unpredictably and was verbally abusive. My mother went silent for days or weeks when angry or hurt. Alcohol was never abused, but from the first, I identified with the inconsistency, unpredictability, and trauma suffered by ACOA's.

Quotes from group members

Some of these quotes from members of the Together We Heal group may resonate with you.

I felt alone for years regardless of how hard I tried to fit in.

I wish I could forget what I remember.

We kept so many family secrets. Who could have lived with that embarrassment?

One of the most difficult things I still deal with is the verbal belittling I got from my parents.

About the group members and the group

We have compressed time, like the chefs on cooking shows. These group members move very quickly; in the real world it takes longer to build the kind of trust necessary to share such personal feelings and experiences. Group members have been in individual counseling for many months or years and have all told their story to at least one person. They have lived through breaking the code of silence they'd been adhering to for decades, the discomfort of admitting having at least one parent who drinks too much, and to alcoholism's impact on them. I am an adult child of an alcoholic parent and by definition that means I probably have many self-esteem and relationship issues to work out.

Recovery is not for the meek...

And recovery brings freedom

Most people begin therapy feeling as though they are betraying or blaming their parents unfairly, or just making excuses for their own problems. Many feel guilty or conflicted talking about their parents' failings. As a therapist, I am continually in awe of clients who move from hyper-vigilant protection of their family and family secrets to feeling safe enough to speak the truth about what happened in their lives.

We wrote Together We Heal to help you feel less isolated, to let you know you are not alone. Knowing that you can identify with others who share some of your perceptions, experiences, and feelings may provide great comfort. We hope this added understanding offers you the chance to live with more freedom and happiness.

Read slowly...or not. But take good care of yourself

You may find it easier to attend a meeting or two each time you read, instead of trying to read too much at once. (Adult Children of Alcoholics sometimes want to fix everything yesterday!)

Some experiences will strike a chord in you; others won't. Use what fits. Take the time to feel and to think through your own experiences as you read.

If you do read the book intellectually from beginning to end in two or three sittings, consider reading it again slowly, this time allowing yourself to feel what's happening. You may literally need to give yourself permission to feel.

Sometimes as you read, you may feel sad, tearful, or even overwhelmed. You may feel shocked or angry. Other times you'll feel hopeful, relieved, perhaps even elated. It's natural for you to experience intense feelings as you read this kind of book.

Reach into yourself or reach out to someone else, whichever seems to be most helpful. I encourage you to take a moment right now to think of something you can do for yourself in case you feel overwhelmed later. Write your options down right now and put them in the front of this book, or somewhere you can easily find, so you won't have to think and plan when your mind isn't doing its best work. This 'first aid list' could include: Go to an ACOA meeting, exercise, start a journal, call someone, mow the grass, garden, go to the workshop, go for a bike ride, read a magazine, take a hot bath, or go for a walk.

We congratulate you...Pat yourself on the back

It's hard work to look at yourself and your family and to open yourself up. Kathy and I congratulate you on your efforts and encourage you to continue your recovery journey.

Szifra only looks impossible; it's pronounced SHIFra

Since you'll encounter my name frequently as you read, I'd like you to know that I was named after my maternal grandmother, who was killed in the Holocaust. My mother and two surviving cousins told me she was a generous, full-of-heart woman. I was born four years after my parents left Poland following World War II. I'm proud to have my grandmother's name: Again, it is pronounced SHIFra.

GROUP MEMBER INFORMATION

Anne, age 39.

Second of four in her family. One brother chemically dependent. Father alcoholic, died seven years ago.

Anne is married, four children, works in childcare. Came to counseling because of problems with parenting and self-esteem. Has been in individual counseling for eight months.

Bob, age 50.

Older of two. Recovering alcoholic, six years sober. Mother was alcoholic; she got sober five years before her death.

Bob is in his second marriage, two children. Certified Alcohol Counselor. Came to counseling for professional reasons, knew that ACOA issues were impacting his life. Inpatient to get sober, family counseling two years ago.

Kathy, age 33.

Third child of six. One brother chemically dependent. Father was alcoholic until his death four months ago.

Kathy is divorced, no children. Secretary. Came to counseling because of general unhappiness. Had been in counseling a very short time after a divorce and in counseling a few months with Szifra.

Linda, age 36.

Oldest of three. Siblings use/abuse substances. Both parents living and actively alcoholic.

Linda is in her second marriage, two children. Nurse. Came into counseling because of low self-esteem and desire to feel better. Al-Anon, one year individual counseling at local agency, one year couples counseling and two months individual counseling with Szifra.

Mark, age 30.

Fourth of six. One sibling in recovery. Father died six years ago, actively drinking.

Mark is divorced; he is a welder and a recovering heroin addict, eight years. Came to counseling because his sister told him he needed to learn more about being an ACOA. Two residential treatment programs, aftercare counseling, and recently individual counseling with Szifra.

Michael, age 38.

Second of four. Chemically dependent sister. Father is actively alcoholic, mother is prescription drug dependent.

Michael is married, no children. Works in advertising. Came to counseling because he was falling apart. Self-help ACOA group, three sessions of counseling related to father's alcoholism, and has been in individual therapy with Szifra for five months.

Roger, age 20.

Middle of three. Recovering alcoholic. Mother is also recovering. Roger is a student, engaged to be married. Goes to AA. Came to counseling to learn to deal with feelings and express himself better. Inpatient treatment for alcoholism 14 months ago, eight months aftercare counseling, and individual counseling with Szifra for six months.

Sarah, age 36.

Oldest of three. Father died five years ago, actively alcoholic. One brother is chemically dependent.

Sarah is a high school teacher, divorced three years; two teenage sons. Came to counseling because of sleep disturbance and aftermath of divorce. Attended Al-Anon, a surviving divorce group, and three months of individual counseling with Szifra.

Susan, age 32.

Oldest of three. Father died two years ago, actively alcoholic. Susan is married, no children. Accountant. Came to counseling because of anxiety and stress. Has been in individual counseling with Szifra for 10 months.

Trina, age 45.

Third of six. Trina is a recovering alcoholic. Two brothers and one sister are chemically dependent. Father quit drinking a few years ago on doctor's orders.

Trina is divorced, two children, three grandchildren. Works in a receiving department. Came to counseling because of problems with family of origin and guilt over sexual abuse. Received inpatient treatment, one year of aftercare, six months of marriage counseling.

MEETING 1

Getting Acquainted

IT HAD BEEN RAINING off and on all day. How appropriate, Kathy thought, as she drove. "This is the kind of weather I'd pick if I were making a movie of this.

Thank goodness it's not a movie, though, or I'd never go. Imagine being filmed as I say my father was an alcoholic. I'm barely comfortable saying it to myself. Kathy continued in her reverie, driving much slower than her normal speed.

Okay, Kathy said to herself, like a parent gently reprimanding. There's no camera. Don't be so dramatic. What will I say? Why did I decide to be in this group? Keep it objective and I'll do okay, she promised herself.

As she pulled into the parking lot, Kathy saw someone else getting out of a car, probably going to the same place. Kathy stalled, thinking, I'm not ready to talk to anyone yet. After a minute, she went in.

Walking into the waiting room of Szifra's office, Kathy nodded and smiled at those already there, then quickly walked over to the bulletin board, busying herself reading notices and newsletters.

Kathy had arrived at her first meeting of a group of adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) organized by Szifra Birke, a therapist in private practice.

Kathy's 33 years old, divorced, and the third of six children in her family. Her father died from alcoholism. Although her family never discussed it, they had all been aware of her father's drinking and her mother's efforts to control it. A newspaper article about children of alcoholics and the formation of the group led Kathy to call.

Tonight's meeting was the first for all eight COAs attending. They had committed to participating every Tuesday night for at least six weeks, the minimum commitment Szifra required when they began group. They were welcome to attend longer; group members knew she expected to continue the group indefinitely, adding new members when others left.

Just as Kathy finished reading the notices on the bulletin board, Szifra walked into the waiting room from her office.

If they hadn't all met her before, it would have been difficult to know by her dress who Szifra was. She was dressed casually in brown leather sandals, cotton slacks, and an Indian print top, her long brown hair slightly windblown. Szifra's warmth in welcoming her clients conveyed more comfort than the others seemed to be feeling. She invited everyone to help themselves to coffee, then come into her office and find a comfortable chair.

Even though everyone had met Szifra, most had not met each other, so the group moved quietly into Szifra's large office. An assortment of chairs formed a loose circle at one end. The lighted floor lamps and woven wall hangings added warmth. Szifra's cluttered desk filled the far end of the room. Bookcases lined two walls.

Szifra's brown eyes conveyed acceptance as she welcomed each person individually.

Szifra joked with Sarah, the first to walk in, which helped Sarah relax. She had been in a divorce support group, so she had some idea what tonight would be like. And she had been to Al-Anon meetings. Her lingering problems with sleeplessness and a vague, hard-to-define discontent motivated her to take Szifra's suggestion and join the group.

Sarah had been referred to Szifra by her physician. As a teacher, Sarah thought maybe her fast-paced schedule was getting to be too much for her now that she was well into her 30s. She was learning instead that she had some unresolved issues about how her father's alcoholism had affected her family.

Sarah appeared expectant as she sat down and folded her hands in her lap. Her smile lit up bright green eyes and showed off two dimples on each cheek. With her light brown hair pulled back in a ponytail, Sarah seemed both modern and old- fashioned.

Sarah was glad to see a familiar face as Linda came in. They had been in an Al-Anon group together. Linda's walk was more hesitant than usual. As a hospital nurse, Linda had developed a brisk, efficient walk. But she wasn't feeling that confidence and efficiency tonight. Even though she had long been aware of alcoholism's impact on her life, thinking about it felt scary.

Linda's 36, married for the second time; she had met her husband in a couples substance abuse support group. Tonight, she reminded herself of his support and encouragement as she faced the new group.

Sitting down, Linda straightened her print wraparound skirt, fidgeted with the collar on her blouse, then ran her hands through her short, curly red hair. Finally she felt in place and able to glance around the room. It will seem so different to be in this room with so many people,