Extinct for a Reason: A Field Guide to Failimals and Evolosers

NEOPOLITAN ZEBRA

Flavorus Varietus

NEOPOLITAN ZEBRA

Illustration courtesy of the National Failimal Conservatory

Copyright 2013. All rights reserved.

In an effort to address perceived boredom with the same old two-toned product, the famously striped grass-eater set himself apart from the herd by separating his two colors and adding a distinctive third to the mix. With a different flavor for each of his three sections, this something for everyone approach was initially seen as a distinct courtship advantage, advertising himself as the best of all worlds in one convenient container.

But marketing isn’t a black-and-white science, and the tricolor tactic soon turned into a public relations disaster. In spite of his novelty appeal, more sophisticated mates were actually turned off by his pandering attempts to be all things to all equids. Complicating things further, the new offering began to attract a wider diversity of predators, and it wasn’t long before the plains were littered with unfinished carcasses, carnivores having dug into their favorite zebra flavor and leaving the other two untouched. By the time natural selection had cleaned up this nearly epidemic health crisis, it had become abundantly clear that some products of evolution are better in theory than they are in practice.

FEEDS ON: Acceptance, approval, pleasing all of the animals all of the time.

HABITAT: Inhabits whatever plain you want him to inhabit.

DEFENSE MECHANISMS: Insists he is just trying to be accommodating.

MATING HABITS: Is often stood up for being too noncommittal.

COMBOVER EAGLE

Harpyopsis Decepticus

COMBOVER EAGLE

Illustration courtesy of the Museum of Failular Zoology

Copyright 2013. All rights reserved.

Nowadays, most would agree that the bald eagle is one of most dignified creatures ever to grace the back of a dollar bill. But there was a brief moment when Mother Nature went against her better instincts, compensating for an inherited lack of plumage up top by plastering a few wispy feathers laterally across his head in a sad attempt to step up his sex appeal.

Of course, birds of prey are supposed to be above such vanity, and in hindsight the cover-up seemed transparent in every sense of the word. Available hens were too polite to say anything, but it was clear his increasingly ridiculous deception wasn’t fooling anyone. Refusing to let down the subterfuge, he continued to fly solo until his feathers simply became too thin to work with, at which point natural selection intervened, taking the genetic fugitive and his follically challenged charade out of the mating game for good.

FEEDS ON: Takeout and cold leftovers, night after lonely night.

HABITAT: Lonely cliffs, lonely seacoasts, lonely trees.

DEFENSE MECHANISMS: Denial, self-delusion, refusing to accept heredity.

MATING HABITS: Usually goes back to the perch alone.

MAMA’S JOEY

Eternis Singlus

MAMA’S JOEY

Illustration courtesy of the Royal Failimal Society, London

Copyright 2013. All rights reserved.

There comes a point in every marsupial’s life when it’s time to leave the pouch. But this eternally adolescent macropod decided he just had it too darned good, seeing no reason to part with the free shelter and unlimited meals afforded by his maternal parent’s fur-lined spare bedroom.

Of course, it’s hard to find meaningful work in the harsh, unforgiving climate of the outback, but even a dry, barren economy couldn’t completely account for his lack of ambition, and his creepy closeness to his mother’s teat was a red flag to the single females in the herd, who always found coming back to his pad a little awkward. In spite of assurances that he had his (quite large) ears to the ground and should be hearing back about something any day now, this genetic underachiever ultimately failed to make the leap to maturity.

FEEDS ON: Milk and whatever else is in the fridge.

HABITAT: Rarely ventures outside of the soft, comforting pouch of home.

DEFENSE MECHANISMS: See habitat.

MATING