I Love Science!

Foreword

I Love Science!

Introduction:

The Famous Sexy Paleontologist

When we interviewed the Famous Sexy Paleontologist, we asked questions about the dinosaurs. Were they real? What were their names? Why do we always call them him? Did they die because they had access to affordable birth control?

He smiled. Yes. They were real.

Their surname was Saurus, which means lizard.

He brought a fossilized femur bone. It was the height of just-taller-than-me

(and was also wider around. Thank God).

We call them him because we prefer to make all

non-human things seem

human and nonthreatening.

And no, they did not die

because of their access to affordable birth control

(so we’ve got that argument in our corner, Human Women).

The Famous Sexy Paleontologist’s Sexiness was publically determined

by Time Magazine, but I enjoy saying Famous Sexy Paleontologist

instead of Paleontologist because if you are not impressed by Paleontology,

you are probably impressed by Sexiness.

He answered our jokey questions about dinosaurs at a poetry show

for an audience of aspiring artists and thinkers.

Professional Writers.

High School Students.

Our Parents.

There the Famous Sexy Paleontologist told us

the most important thing I have ever heard.

He said, The worst thing we can do

is tell kids that they are good at either science and math

OR art.

That they are either smart

OR creative.

He said, We need creative scientists.

He said, We need scientific poets.

He said, What you do is not different than what I do.

What we do is the same.

The Famous Sexy Paleontologist digs dinosaur bones out of mud.

He re-discovers the earth as it was. He uses thinking to explain

why we are the way we are. He tells people what he has learned,

so we will all be better.

He said that what we do is not different.

He said that he is a poet.

He said that I am a scientist.

This is science, and I am a scientist.

Welcome to my grand hypothesis.

I. OBSERVATION

TAMBOURINE! TAMBOURINE! TAMBOURINE! TAMBOURINE!

Do you ever stay up way too late eating candy and you’re

suddenly awake and at work and you somehow

had four whole cups of coffee that never got cold

and the phone rings? Hilarious!

BIRDS!

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and eat too-too little foodstuffs

and I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh!

Life can be so funny! People do boring things

and don’t know they are hysterical!

TAMBOURINE! TAMBOURINE!

TAMBOURINE! TAMBOURINE!

They should make children’s songs but for adults!

Why isn’t cake for breakfast!

With frosting!

I want to jog right now!

FLAVOR CRYSTALS!

This should be a yell song I think!

MONKEYBRAIN!

TAMBOURINE! TAMBOURINE!

The Great Chicken Limo of Indianapolis

It’s a bird!

It’s a car!

It’s a birdcar!

CHIIIIIIIIIIIIICKEN LIIIIIIIMO!

Say you already rode in a limousine?

When your big sissie got married to Rick?

Everyone drank Miller Lite in it?

You got a sip—AND