Before We Say I Do: Questions You Need to Ask Before You Marry

preface

In August of 2003, when I spent a few days alone at a nearby campground relaxing and praying, I reminded God that if he had something special for me to do, I was available. Because of my experience with building trades, rental properties, and financial institutions, I expected, if anything, to hear him mention something where my prior experience would prove helpful.

You can imagine my surprise when I heard him say, I’d like you to write a book about my seventh commandment and marriage. I replied, Well, okay, but who would want to read a three or four page book? On my own, that’s probably all I could have written at the time, but he started to pour out many of the topics that were to be included, and I went home several days later with dozens of guidelines.

As it turned out, the book does draw on some of my prior experiences, such as making poor choices about and in marriage. Through research and writing, I learned more about God’s principles for godly marriage and practical ways to make good choices.

I dedicate this book to the hundreds of hurting people I’ve met in my lifetime. Almost all hurting people I know have made unwise choices that resulted in failed marriages and broken hearts. So when God inspired me to write on the subject of his seventh commandment, it became clear why he had allowed me to meet so many wounded souls over the past thirty or so years, and why he’d given me the insight needed to solve so many of the puzzles of this gift of holy matrimony. Much of the insight came as the result of two failed marriages. Former U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings said, You can’t teach what you don’t know…¹ I know, I’ve been there… twice! You can learn from my mistakes.

So what’s the difference between two failed (disastrous) marriages and one that seems almost too good to be true? Simply put, by learning to communicate with each other before making a commitment and by putting our sexual desires on hold until after marriage.

acknowledgements

I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge certain people, without whose encouragement this work may never have come to fruition. Thanks to authors Ray and Anna Wiseman for their encouragement and advice, to my pastor Bruce Assaf for his insight and direction, to the Editorial Suite, to my dedicated proofreader Ardythe Page, to Ron Michaud for his valuable insights, to Caroline Schmidt and Evan Braun at Word Alive, to the many in my focus group, and to all the people who responded to my survey, which identified many additional issues that needed to be addressed. A special thanks to my beloved wife Faye, for her unending and tireless patience and dedication to this project.

Lastly, but most importantly, I thank Almighty God, his Son, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and by his Holy Spirit, whom I believe directed me in this effort.

mission statement

Most of us, at one time or another, have seen people less fortunate than ourselves and wondered, What can I possibly do to make their life just a little easier? For me, it’s the plight of many around the world to easily obtain clean, life-sustaining drinking water. In America, most of us can simply walk over to a tap, and there it is… a ready source of clean water. But the stark reality is that daily over a billion individuals around the world do not have access to clean water. Millions of people spend hours walking to and from a water source to provide water for themselves and their families. In many cases, the water for which they may have even put their life in danger to obtain is so dirty that, not only would we not drink it, we wouldn’t even wash our boots with it. But they don’t have a choice. In many cases, it’s either dirty water or no water at all.

In the spirit of reaching out to those who need easy access to clean water, I pledge to my readers that 50 percent of all net profits from the sale of this book will be directed to organizations with the expertise and demonstrated ability to provide clean drinking water to those less fortunate than I.

Only one life will soon be past, only what’s done for Christ will last.

table of contents

preface

acknowledgements

mission statement

introduction

part one:  godly relationships… learning the basics

God’s View

How Premarital Sex Messes Up Our Lives

Weakening the Bond

Sexually Transmitted Infections/Diseases (STIs)

Oral Sex: Is It Really Sex?

The Big Condom Lie

A New Voice of Reason: University?

Essentials of Abstinence

Healthy Emotions

Messing Up Marriage

Preparing to Live God’s Best

Why Wait?

Sex… an Addiction?

Love, the Second Time Around

Living in Sin—For a Pension?

Is It Love or Sex?

Living God’s Best

Unscrambling Eggs

Living Alone and Liking It

Pregnant and Unmarried?

Deciding to Cancel a Wedding

Not Marrying an Unbeliever

How to Avoid Answering to God

Doing the Right Thing

part two: checking compatibility

The Importance of Discussing Compatibility Before Marriage

How to Use the Exercises

Financial Issues

1. Who Pays What?

2. Credit Card Debt

3. Budgets

4. Tithing Together

5. Becoming Wealthy

6. Single-Income Family Budgets

7. Double-Income Family Budgets

8. Financial Goals

9. Work Ethic

10. Housing: Own or Rent?

11. Housing Affordability

12. More Education

13. Shopping

14. Vehicle Ownership or Leasing

15. Expensive Hobbies

16. Gambling/Lottery

Employment Issues

1. Major Geographic Move for Employment

2. Travel for Employment

3. Moving to a Different Country for Employment

4. Shift Work

5. Self-Employment

6. Owning Your Own Business

Spiritual Issues

1. Sharing Christian Faith

2. Healing Illness Through Faith, Science, or Both

3. Bible Study

4. The Spiritual Leader

5. Touched By an Angel

6. Church Attendance

7. Future Telling

Sexual Issues

1. Sex: How Often?

2. Pornography

3. Internet Pornography

4. Birth Control

5. Unplanned Pregnancy

6. Unfaithfulness

Parenting Issues

1. Becoming Parents

2. The Cost of Adoption

3. The Cost of Raising Children

4. Raising Children

5. Kids and Encouragement

6. Unreasonable Expectations of Children

7. Role Models

8. Respect for Your Spouse

9. Educational Funding

10. Educational Choices

11. Creation vs. Evolution

Legal Issues

1. Prenuptial Agreements

2. Arrest Record

3. Wills

4. Living Will or Health Care Power of Attorney

Compatibility Issues

1. Household Duties

2. Non-Sexual Intimacy

3. Appreciation

4. Does It Really Matter?

5. Politics

6. Life After Marriage

7. Cheap or Frugal?

8. Date Night

9. Music

10. Leisure Time Together (Shared Interests)

11. Leisure Time Apart

12. Clutter, Packrats, and Slobs

13. Obsessive Cleanliness

14. Appearance Around the House

15. Physical Appearance

16. Temperature Compatibility

17. Body Art and Piercings

18. Vacations

Family Issues

1. Surnames

2. Children’s Names

3. Names of Endearment

4. Home for the Holidays

5. Unified Front

6. State of Our Union

7. Childbirth for Fathers

8. Children from Previous Relationships

9. Adult Children from a Previous Marriage

10. Blended Families

11. Child Support

12. Gun Ownership

Emotional Issues

1. Forgiveness

2. Dredging Up the Past

3. Negativity

4. Criticism

5. Control Issues

6. Anger Management

7. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

8. Swearing, Cursing, and Dirty Talk

9. Changing Him/Changing Her

10. Mama’s Boys and Daddy’s Girls

11. Couch Potatoes

12. Loners

13. Trust and Jealousy

14. Gossip

15. Bigots

16. Comparing Your Partner

Health Issues

1. Proactive Health Care

2. Use of Alcohol

3. Addictions

4. Eating

5. Coffee

6. Pets

top ten tips  to divorce-proof your marriage

feedback

endnotes

introduction

THE BASICS FIRST

For the most part, this book is simply a guide to stimulate discussion in subjects that are sure to come up in virtually every marriage.

Before We Say I Do gives you practical help to prepare for a wonderful marriage. It will help couples deal with two significant problems that contribute to failed marriages: having sex before marriage and not ensuring compatibility on issues that are important to each other. A good marriage is about making wise choices from the moment you meet that special someone, and that’s what this book is about. For a Christian, a good marriage is based on choosing God’s best for your life.

What Is In the Book?

Part One of the book explains why premarital sex is not part of God’s plan for his people. It offers compelling evidence that sex before marriage puts us at a serious disadvantage for building strong marital relationships. If we want a strong marriage, we need to become friends first and then fall in love and build strong relationships, all of this before we say I do. But sadly, too many of us decide to marry mostly because of strong physical attraction. We make a serious mistake if we fall into lust and get carried away into marriage without first becoming friends who fall in love with each other.

Once you’ve had sex, it’s difficult to go back and learn the relationship skills that are vitally important to developing a successful and lasting relationship. I’ve interviewed dozens of people who have had three or more sexual partners in their history. Well over 90 percent of them had multiple sexual partners before getting to know their eventual mates. Starting relationships in bed or in the back seat of a car often dooms them.

To help couples reserve sex for marriage, the book provides sound strategies that help people do the hard work of living to please God.

Part Two shows the value of couples taking time to discover how wellsuited they are to each other by discussing values and preferences before they marry. Couples who don’t do this get married only to be hammered by disagreements over what turns out to be a potential deal breaker. And so they get divorced. Not only is divorce expensive, a failed marriage can be humiliating and emotionally devastating.

The book then provides a number of exercises that help couples determine whether or not they are best suited to spending the rest of their lives together. The exercises cover subjects that are sure to come up in virtually every marriage, including finances, housing, employment, parenting, and emotional and spiritual issues.

Who Can Benefit From This Material?

Anyone planning to marry. If you’ve never been married, following the principles in this book can help you get it right the first time.

Anyone planning to re-marry—in other words, those wanting to get it right the next time.

Anyone currently married, whether happily or unhappily. The many easy-to-implement tips will improve virtually any marriage.

Anyone over the age of 13 will find Part One biblically and biologically informative.

What Will I Learn From