Schizophrenia Voices of Self Destruction

Schizophrenia Voices of Self Destruction

Travis Breeding

Published by Travis Breeding at Smashwords

Copyright 2017 Travis Breeding

All Rights Reserved

Contents

Chapter One: Schizophrenia Voices of Self Destruction

Chapter Two: College and Hallucinations

Chapter Three: Spring Break Psychotic Episode

Chapter Four: A New Beginning

Chapter Five: Employment that Works for Me

Chapter Six: Why is the Television Talking to Me?

Chapter Seven: Paying My Bill to Live

Chapter Eight: Autism, Schizophrenia, and Dating

About the Author

Chapter One. Schizophrenia Voices of Self Destruction

Why are they always yelling and screaming at me? Why are they telling me I have to punish myself? Why do they tell me that everyone thinks I am bad person? It does not matter where I go I always hear these voices that are yelling at me. Sometimes they whisper but most of the time it is someone yelling and screaming at me telling me I have to punish myself because I have autism.

Everywhere I go the voices follow. They go shopping with me for groceries. Sometimes the groceries start talking to me and telling me that I am not good enough to eat them. They say I do not deserve to have real food because I have autism and the food insists that I should punish myself because I have autism.

No one would ever believe me before when I was trying to tell them the things that were happening in my brain. It is like my brain is a video game that plays constantly. It interferes with everything my life and makes it so I cannot enjoy doing things that I used to do before I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

It is very hard for me when I do get a job. I am very high functioning when it comes to autism but the voices and hallucinations are so self-destructive.

Imagine a world where when you first woke up in the morning to get ready for work you had voices telling you that your coworkers wanted to kill you because you have autism.

I never understood why other people could not understand me when I was trying to explain to them what was happening. No one wanted to listen and they would never believe me when I was trying to tell them the things people were saying about me.

I remember a day and time when I was normal and did not hear these voices or have delusions or hallucinations and it was peaceful. There was a time where I could enjoy life without obsessing over the voices that I hear.

I use to play video games. Mainly sports games. I was very interested in basketball and football and I even used to sit and watch all of the college and professional games with my father and I really enjoyed it.

It has become increasingly difficult for me to watch television because it is like everyone has a message for me and all of the characters on television start talking to me. They tell me that I need to punish myself because I have autism and recommend was of self-harming myself and I try so hard to ignore them because I know that they are wrong.

I am just as good as other people so I do not understand why voices tell me that I am no good and not able to be a real person. The voices always tell me that I am a fake person and will never be neurotypical.

I am very clingy to my neurotypical friends because if I lose them then there is no way I can be a real person. The only way I am a real person is through them. If I did not have my neurotypical friends then I would just be a fake person that no one knew even existed.

I first started noticing the voices when I was 19 years old. That is when I immediately began going to counseling because the voices started telling me that I was not as good as other people and I needed to be punished because I was less than others. I started hearing these voices when I was in the college classroom.

It was right after high school that I first had problems. I had a lot of familiarity and comfortability at my job in high school. I had the job when I was a freshman and high school and I was fully 100 percent functional in high school. I never heard any voices or had any delusions or hallucinations in high school. It was only after high school and when I first entered college at Indiana University that I began hearing voices.

When I first went to Indiana Univesity I did not live on campus because I had a bed wetting issue that kept me from living with other students. Yes I was now a college freshman and I did not have any experience staying overnight away from my parents because of my bedwetting issue.

I use to have to have the sheets changed on my bed every night because I was wetting the bed every night of the week. This frustrated my parents and they took me to a doctor to try and figure out why I was having a bedwetting issue. My parents tried their best to help me and even went above and beyond to get me into Indiana University and the school of music there.

School had become difficult for me by the time I was in middle school. I