The curse of intelligence: How to make giftedness an advantage instead of a problem

Introduction

In our society being different is always problematic. People who suffer mental and physical disorders have problems. As do those who stand out from the crowd due to their race, culture, tastes. And also those who have exceptional abilities.

We are all aware how our society worries about facilitating the social integration of those with physical or mental deficiencies. For investing in their development and training so that they can make the most of their capacities and bringing about, as far as possible, their integration in all areas (academic, social and work). This is a logical, humane and desirable concern, a sign of a healthy cultural environment.

But having exceptional abilities can also be a drawback. In the last few years, in this country and the rest of the world, the parents of gifted kids have been reporting conflictive situations and many school-related problems. Eventually they have managed to make the general public aware of this and for new education laws to take this into account to guarantee special educational for these cases.

Nevertheless, the needs of psychological support that the gifted have in order to take active part in life have hardly been addressed and are still a developing field. The everyday reality in clinics tells us that many children, adolescents and exceptionally gifted adults are unhappy, don’t find it easy to get on with others and tend to isolate themselves both physically and psychologically.

From our experience working alongside the parents of highly gifted kids and adults of all ages, we often find that such talent goes hand in hand with a lack of mental well-being, anxiety, depression, a sense of personal failure and a whole range of symptoms from insomnia to atopic dermatitis.

The need for both gifted children and adults to receive psychological counselling, based on rebuilding their emotional and relationship failings, especially laying emphasis on self-esteem, is very real. It is also necessary for them to get specific training so they can adapt to and integrate back into society. These special needs are what we will try to show throughout this book, based on our own clinical experience.

Being intelligent can be a problem and very often it is. Being bright can be difficult for the children themselves, for their parents and for all those who teach them. They don’t have enough training or sufficient time to give these kids the attention they need.

It is also an issue for public health services. For instance health workers (who generally are unaware of the particular difficulties of the gifted) diagnose different disorders without discerning what the root cause of the many visible symptoms actually is. They don’t suspect that because the patient is gifted  their symptoms are the expression of a serious lack of adaptation derived from their exceptional make up.

All too often, the emotional, social and educative problems mean they drop out of school early, fail at work, have serious family issues and psychosomatic illnesses. This casuistry can wipe out the exceptional abilities of many gifted people along with the possibility of using this intelligence to benefit our society as a whole.

So, the school failure of these individuals leads to a systematic waste of human talent which could have been put to good use in our society. This, in turn, very likely will bring about a serious social problem in urgent need of a solution.

This book is addressed to the general public. It is not a scientific essay. Our aim is to make the situation of these exceptionally intelligent people widely-known so that it is understood by families, teachers and health workers. And, above all, in order that they receive all the help they need.

Every single day we come across kids, teenagers and adults of exceptional talent who are suffering due to the incomprehension of those around them. They just wish to be like everybody else. It is as if exceptional intelligence is a curse.

If, upon finishing this book you understand us a little more, we will have achieved our goal.

1.

Them

Juan

Juan is exceptionally bright. He’s much more intelligent than most people. In fact, he’s in the top 1% of highly intelligent people in the country.

Juan has a great sense of humour and is able to find the funny side of nearly everything and even might say something cheeky while his boss is making a serious speech. Fortunately, he refrains, and keeps quiet, this time. This is his third job in the last ten years and he can’t afford to mess this one up.

Juan is also extremely absent-minded. He says that he’s the only person who is able to bump into the same glass door three times in a row while his astonished workmates look on. In the last meeting he had, he heard a resounding chorus of THE DOOR! thirty seconds before hitting it. He turned around and said, I know, I know… with a smile on his face.

You can often see him with a different colour sock on each foot, or with his sweater on back to front. It’s no big deal, it’s not important. When he was getting dressed his mind was elsewhere. Like when he’s reading a book that he likes or working on something that fascinates him on his computer. You could be standing right next to him telling him you’re going to give him a couple of million euros and he’ll just say, Great without every hearing you at all. Then come the problems, I told you that yesterday and you said it was ok.

His absent-mindedness and lack of attention started long ago. Even as a kid he left his backpack at school or his books at home and was always getting in trouble with his teachers. When the teacher spoke to him in class, he was staring at a stain on the ceiling, or at the clouds, or daydreaming about faraway places. He’s had more than one clipping of his ears and been told to leave the classroom due to his daydreaming. Even so, he thought that was better than having to listen carefully to the teacher and then give sensible answers to the questions. So he became the black sheep and gained the animosity of the teachers. It was better to keep his mouth shut and to mind his own business.

Then, in secondary school, he began to have serious problems due to never paying attention, for not doing school work which he’d been assigned and for missing classes with imaginative excuses. In spite of everything, he got decent grades by flicking through the book the day before the exam. And, this way, stayed out of trouble at home.

His last years in secondary school were really tough since he didn’t have good study habits and he simply wasn’t interested in what the subjects. He just wanted to be left alone, to find things out and learn on his own. He didn’t want to submit to school discipline and he didn’t believe in anything they told him. He’d decided not to argue but to keep everything to himself and do whatever he felt like. At the end of the school year the bad results were inevitable. Things got nasty both at home and at school.

He was taken to a psychologist who wrongly diagnosed ADHD and suggested medicating him. He wouldn’t take the pills or continue studying, giving up his idea of going on to university. He began to do odd jobs so he could leave home and live however he wanted to. Nobody understood him.

Julián

Julián showed up on a bleak day in February. When he entered the office his physical appearance was well-defined by the light: a tall, rather obese man of around forty. He dressed casually in jeans and a t-shirt which didn’t look good on him because he was so overweight.

He avoided eye contact, constantly looking from side to side, never at the face. When he spoke he put his hand in front of his mouth involuntarily. These are the gestures of someone who wishes to protect himself.

He told me that he feels awful and thinks he is suffering depression. He’s fed up with being a weirdo. At university his girlfriend told him this when she broke up with him before they’d even had any real relationship. He was in love with her. He’s never managed to approach another woman.

He keeps telling me all about his life. He’s a graduate, has a good job in a big company, earns a decent salary but lives with his mum and hasn’t got a driving licence. He can’t seem to pass the test although he’s tried many times. His nerves let him down.

The same thing happens when he’s near a woman that he likes. He starts to tremble, gets cold sweats and palpitations and is unable to say a word. He runs away.

He comes from a middle-class family and has had a strict and rather puritanical education. He gets on very well with his family, especially his siblings. In a way this saves him from feeling completely isolated as he has no friends.

He did have friends when he was a student but little by little they’d gone on to build their own lives and start families. He hasn’t been able to. He avoids parties and meeting new people. He doesn’t feel relaxed around others. He prefers to be alone, although that doesn’t make him happy either.

Things got worse when his dad died, who had been his main suport. When he died, Julián broke down. There are areas of his life he cannot speak about. These are no-go areas and he only refers to them when absolutely necessary (always in passing).

He starts to feel more confident and talks about his childhood. He was a chubby boy and wore glasses. They made fun of him at school and mistreated him both physically and mentally, almost every day.

He’d never told anyone about this; in fact, after two years work on his memories he’d only spoken about this with a brother.

At some time in his life they had given him an IQ Test and told him that he was exceptionally gifted. But he didn’t understand why he couldn’t be like everybody else.

He only wants to have a laugh, joke, go out with women, get married, have kids and a family to love. To be normal. He’s fed up with everyone telling him that he’s strange and not finding anyone who can understand him. He feels really miserable.

Alberto

Alberto is 23 years old. He’s tall and has a slim build although he’s a little overweight. He hasn’t cut his hair for many months and he’s shabbily dressed. He usually wears a tracksuit and short sleeve t-shirt all year long.

His mum is desperate because she just doesn’t know what to do with him. He started two degree courses and then dropped out of both. He’s stopped going to university, sleeps till midday and just spends his days glued to his computer screen.

He doesn’t practise any sport, doesn’t go out with friends and speaks to no one (not even to his mum or his sister).

When they start bothering him, he agrees to whatever they say but then doesn’t carry out any of his promises and lies to cover this up.

When I try to speak with him his face goes blank. I ask him about his life, about how he sees things and I ask him what his goals in life are but all I get out of him are one or two word answers. Never a real conversation.

Alberto is undergoing treatment for depression. He has no friends and has never had a girlfriend and feels extremely unhappy. He spends hours on the computer, but he hardly ever connects to social networks. He entertains himself playing online videogames with strangers.

He doesn’t go to university as he feels bad and he also doesn’t know anybody well even though he’s been studying the same degree course for nearly two years.

He hasn’t got a clue what to do with his life or his future (not even in the short-term). He simply feels depressed and annoyed that his mum won’t leave him in peace.

Miguel

Miguel is 8 years old. He’s a fair-haired boy, with blue eyes and a very sweet face. He’s a nice boy and fun to be around.

He’s come to see me because at school he feels sad and doesn’t play with the other kids in the playground. His teacher believes he could have sociability problems.

She says that there’s nothing wrong with him, that everything’s ok.

He tries to make friends but he doesn’t manage to and doesn’t understand why.

Some of the kids called him stupid but he prefers to keep his mouth shut than respond.

His mum is worried because every day he appears to be more depressed and doesn’t want to go to school.

Luis

Luis is a very strong, active child who has both a daring and mistrustful look in his eyes. He’s 9 years old and has already been to three different schools.

His mum tells me that they’ve always had problems with both the teachers and the other kids, and that Luis is a very good boy but that things happen to him.

Luis starts to tell me an anecdote; a girl has tried to jump the queue at the school canteen and that’s not right. "I told her but