Becki Justbecki: A Glimpse Inside My Bag of Abuse

Copyright © 2012 Rebecca Henderson

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-3011-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-3009-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012909624

iUniverse rev. date: 5/30/2012

CONTENTS

Hidden

Acknowledgments

Introduction

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

Cathartic Release

About the Author

Hidden

Sometimes I feel like a ghost roaming around in the darkness

hidden from all eyes, even my own.

No one can see this darkness that treads over me, this burning in my chest,

this longing in my heart for the light that has yet eluded me.

Theresa Amato

Written by a budding poet.

Acknowledgments

I want to acknowledge the following individuals and groups, without which this book would not have been possible:

My husband & family

My dog Dot

CalCopa Massage School

Braille Institute

Guide Dogs for the Blind

Gold Rush Guides

My screwed-up parents

My editor’s

and Lara R, Thank you with all my heart!

NOTE: To protect myself and my family, I have made subtle changes to some settings, names, or places.

Introduction

In each chapter of this book I bring a glimpse into the world of abuse and survival. I share my life experiences openly and freely. I will share my reflections and how those events shaped my life today.

Everyone needs and deserves to feel valued and special to someone.

There will be some who recognize my journey to fill the void. Very few women survive abuse, and even fewer women survive and feel comfortable in their own skin. My early life was a turbulent world filled with chaos, beatings, and mental illness. Alcohol abuse, kidnapping, and murder were components of my adult life.

I never gave up. Through it all, I never quit. In telling my story, I let my sick sense of humor and perspective come through even while discussing mental illness, incest, and what I ate for dinner—that means inserting my personality into my writing. This is my story—my voice.

I was completely unaware that I should be asking myself questions like this: Why do I keep making bad choices? Why do bad things keep happening to me? Why?, Why?

It has taken me years of hard work and much self-reflection to come to where I am today. I made a journey to find out why I am the way I am. This is my message: Listen to your intuition. Take chances. You may find strength and inspiration in my story.

1

becki justbecki

I recognize that many people feel internal shame. The population, for the most part, does not identify shame as shame. Shame takes your self-esteem and devours it. It ends relationships. Internal shame can cause eating disorders and other forms of self-abuse.

I kept self-abusing long after leaving a toxic environment. Steps can be taken to release the feeling of shame and the effects these feelings create. Shame will erode relationships. You can’t shower it off. You can’t outrun it. No matter what I did, shame influenced everything. That is what I felt at points in my life, and I had to climb out of the abuse.

Now when I come across people in an emotional hole, I throw in a rope, but it is up to the person in trouble to grab it. Throwing a rope could mean something so simple as giving an item of value or a simple card explaining why that person is special to you.

Recently, I met a woman who was in massage school, and she had had some hard emotional times. I don’t know what it was, but I felt her pain. It was her birthday, and she had no family around. I went home and dug through my things and found the perfect gift: an opal necklace from my collection. I gave her the tiny box.

She was so moved that someone she barely knew cared that it was her birthday. She started to cry. I did not know what to do so I excused myself and went home. On my walk home I thought about what had just happened, and it felt so wonderful to let someone know she was special.

Every person deserves to feel that he or she matters. I also think everyone deserves to feel that inner joy from giving to others. I’m not talking about donating or giving money to the person on the corner with the give me sign. I’m talking about random acts of kindness.

For example, on the television show The Osbournes, Sharon Osbourne had colon cancer. Some media outlet had shown the gates to their home, and there was a demon or gargoyle-style head on the big gates. I found a pin in my collection from the 1800s that was the same gargoyle demon head. I looked up her address and wrapped up the pin and put a little card with it.

My husband and I drove to the Osbournes’ to deliver the gift to her. That was so cool. About a month later I got a note and a photo from her thanking me for the gift and saying that she was doing better.

For this book I chose the title A Glimpse inside My Bag of Abuse because everyone has baggage. Everyone! I decided to share a