The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution: How to Thoughtfully Handle Difficult Situations, Conversations, and Personalities

INTRODUCTION

Difficult conversations are an unavoidable part of everyday life. Whether it’s your colleague failing to deliver her part of your joint project, your father stopping by unannounced after he’d agreed not to, or you and your partner having a disagreement, conflicts big and small can arise in any part of your life.

If you’re like most people, these conflicts led to feelings of dread, sadness, annoyance, or fear. You might have tried to avoid facing the problem altogether or dug in your heels and refused to compromise. Maybe after the fight you felt regret, or hoped that in a future argument, things might become easier or better—but the same pattern just repeats itself.

What if you could approach difficult situations in a more thoughtful, kinder, and more constructive way?

What if you could go from reacting (thanks to old experiences and lingering pain) to responding to what is in front of you right now?

What if you could let go of anger, regret, disappointment, resentment, and fear and instead focus on creating a deeper connection with the other party?

What if you could move past worrying about who’s winning or losing to finding solutions that both sides can appreciate and support?

You can do all of these things and more with mindful conflict resolution. In mindful conflict resolution, you pay attention to only the present moment, with an attitude of curiosity, openness, and acceptance. You change the endgame from the pointless winner versus loser mentality to one where both parties can be right at the same time. The techniques in this book will empower you to build such a strong connection to yourself that you forgo angry and painful reactions and opt for mindful responses instead.

If, for example, you are used to reacting very emotionally to negative feedback, and finding yourself in a heated exchange of accusations as a result, you’ll see how applying mindful attitudes like self-trust, acceptance, and interconnection will lead to a completely different experience. Or, if you usually put all your energy into forcing things to happen in a certain way, you will now see how a mindful attitude allows synchronicities and fresh perspectives to come to the forefront.

Every chapter in this book offers you a way to practice these methods so that engaging in tough conversations becomes easier and easier. You will also begin to see the potential that exists in each of these interactions. After all, having the courage to engage in a difficult conversation is a truly powerful opportunity to take your life into your own hands—to grow, to learn, to understand, to connect, to love, and to let go.

The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution will inspire you to finally clear up anything and everything you have been swallowing, holding in, and grinding over, while at the same time deepening and strengthening your relationships. Let mindfulness lead the way to a happier, calmer life—one conversation at a time.

PART 1

IDENTIFYING

This first part of The Mindful Guide to Conflict Resolution sets the stage for you to think about conflicts in a completely different way. You’ll learn what causes difficult conversations in the first place, and why you should actually want to engage in them. You will also see how mindfully approaching difficult conversations leads to an easier and more positive way through them.

During difficult communications, people often focus either on themselves or on the other person, focusing on their own position or on how the other person is doing. Neither of those approaches is ultimately successful. In Chapter 2, you will discover how connecting to both yourself and the other party is the key to successful resolutions.

Chapter 3 dives into the real reasons that difficult conversations are so difficult. People often think that conflicts arise because people disagree about the facts or the best way forward—but that’s not really the case. It’s actually the highly overlooked issues behind the scenes that often contribute to emotionally charged discussions. You’ll learn how to spot that situation and what to do about it.

Let’s jump into the important potential behind difficult conversations so you can stop dreading them and start seeing the good that can come out of them.

CHAPTER 1

WHAT IS MINDFUL CONFLICT RESOLUTION?

Peace is not absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with conflict by peaceful means.

Ronald Reagan

This chapter focuses on what it means to bring a mindful approach to handling hard conversations and conflicts. These difficult conversations are the ones that scare you, the ones that challenge you, the ones you try to avoid, the ones you practice in your mind beforehand, and the ones you replay over and over afterward in your head. Learning mindfulness techniques will make those conversations more productive and constructive and leave you feeling satisfied and content instead of drained and disappointed. Let’s start transforming how you approach difficult conversations, whether they’re with coworkers, family, friends, or romantic partners.

What It Means to Be Mindful in Difficult Situations

Mindfulness is a way of living in the present moment that is based on ancient Buddhist teachings that Jon Kabat-Zinn helped introduce to Western culture in the 1990s. Nowadays, millions of people use mindfulness as a way of life to decrease stress, improve health, and boost happiness. Meditation is one way that people can practice mindfulness—the act of sitting quietly and clearing your thoughts can pave the way to living in the present and opening your heart and mind to what’s around you, instead of ruminating, worrying, and fearing what could or has happened.

You can also use mindfulness to improve how you handle conflict. A mindful state of mind will help you (and, indirectly, the other person) focus on finding a positive way forward instead of getting bogged down in all the other noise in your head that’s leading you in unhelpful directions. In his book Full Catastrophe Living, Kabat-Zinn outlines the key tenets of mindfulness. In terms of conflict management, these six are particularly relevant:

Nonjudgment: You, like everyone else, have ideas and opinions about basically everything. Your mind provides a steady stream of black-and-white judgments, conscious and subconscious, all day long: like/dislike, yes/no, good/bad, etc. Being mindful means to be aware of this process, and to instead consciously hold off on judgment to allow what is unfolding to take shape. In conflicts, this helps you to be open-minded about the other person, their perspective, and solutions that you may not have considered yet.

Acceptance, Letting Go, and Nonstriving: These three attitudes focus on accepting the situation as it currently is, without forcing it to be what it is not by emotionally clinging, grasping, pushing, or pulling. This doesn’t mean you cannot want something to shift. It does mean that by first accepting what it is now and not immediately wanting to do something about it, you free up a lot of headspace to allow new ways forward to emerge.

Beginner’s Mind: Mindfulness encourages you to approach situations and the people involved with fresh eyes. Your mind constantly projects a ton of desires, opinions, and past hurts—some of which might be decades old—onto current situations. All of this history makes it hard to see what is actually going on right now and to recognize the potential that may be arising. Beginner’s mind also benefits the other party because people feel seen and valued if you engage with how they are and what they do now, instead of how they were or got to be in your mind. This shift in mindset brings positivity and connection into disagreements, which supports finding a positive outcome.

Trust: Bringing trust into your interactions is a powerful tool. Trust starts with trusting yourself, knowing that your perspective and experience are right for you and that you can meet whatever comes at you. The more you trust yourself, the more trust you can bring to other people, to your relationships, and to handling difficult situations, because you know you have everything that’s needed to bring forth a positive outcome.

Patience:In general, people are very impatient to get to what they think is the next important thing. But this attitude leads to not being in the present moment. If you rush all the time, you won’t see the synchronicities and opportunities that present themselves.

Gratitude and Generosity: These mindsets bring lightheartedness, appreciation, and connection to your difficult situations. By not taking everything for granted and by giving other people opportunities to succeed, you enhance interconnection between you and the other party. Gratitude and generosity naturally foster a positive atmosphere, which every hard conversation can benefit from.

COMMON CONFLICT TERMS, MADE MINDFUL

The terms used in this book have been chosen consciously. The term other person is used to describe what you otherwise might call your opponent. The word opponent sounds overly harsh and implies you are on opposing ends of a situation. This is often not true to begin with, but it also creates a win-lose mentality that doesn’t support a mindful approach to handling difficult situations.

Given the fact that not every difficult conversation will end in a concrete solution to the problem or challenge on the table, the term solution is used only in specific situations. Instead, expect to find terms like the way forward or conclusion to indicate the result of a difficult conversation.

Mindfulness acknowledges that these mindsets are not something you can achieve fully overnight—but that’s all right (there’s the nonjudgment and patience at play!). Observing and recognizing your behavior is the first step to changing it, so that’s the best place to start. Look for quick, everyday ways to practice mindfulness in your life. For example, the next time you notice yourself judging someone’s cart at the grocery store, stop and notice the feeling, then let the thought go. If you find yourself angry at the slow checkout line at the store, take a few deep breaths and try to observe a few interesting things around you at that moment instead of letting the stress get to you. When you get to the front of the line, try showing genuine gratitude to the checkout employee for their hard work. Small, simple practices like this will help you make mindfulness a habit, which in turn makes it easier to access in difficult conversations.

The Positive Opportunities That Exist in Difficult Conversations

When you enter difficult conversations in a mindful way, you begin to see how much good can come out of them. When you think of conflict in a non-mindful way, however, you might find yourself focusing only on negative possibilities and aspects of such conversations, such as:

Fear: Fear is a common reason people dread conflict. You might fear the emotions that may arise, fear being vulnerable, fear losing people when you express what you really think, or fear not being liked.

Minimization: Often, you’ll find yourself rationalizing why a difficult conversation isn’t necessary: I don’t think he meant it this way or This is actually just a really small thing; I don’t want to blow it out of proportion. This kind of reasoning leads to saying things like I can deal with this, I will forget about it, and I’ll just have to suck it up, which are all unhealthy things to do when you’re hurt, angry, scared, or sad.

Stubbornness: If you anticipate a conflict in a non-mindful way, you might start by determining what you’ll refuse to give up. You might plan in advance the lines you won’t cross before you hear a word the other person says.

Avoidance: By avoiding a difficult conversation or that talk to finally end a conflict, you are withholding important opportunities from yourself and the other person. Most issues won’t disappear on their own, and not facing them isn’t doing you or the other person any favors.

Thankfully, these negative possibilities fade away when you focus on mindful practices. You’ll see how fear, minimization, and stubbornness don’t contribute to a successful outcome. Instead, you can open your eyes and mind to all the positive results you could enjoy, such as sharing your thoughts and feelings, connecting with the other person in a new and different way, and growing as a person. Let’s take a closer look at some of these positive outcomes of mindful conflict resolution.

Everyone Can Share Their Thoughts and Feelings

The most obvious opportunity in engaging in a difficult conversation is that all participants will be able to share their perspective on things, and that together, you can try to find a way forward that satisfies everyone. This can be really worthwhile for the longer term.

It is so important to express your thoughts and feelings, even when you are not used to doing that or feel it’s easier and less stressful to just ignore them. You are a crucial part of the relationship, and without your input the relationship won’t be what it could be. When you decide not to share your feelings about the situation, in a one-on-one conflict this means that 50 percent of the opinions and feelings are not heard. These unexpressed opinions and feelings are not unimportant, and most of the time, they won’t just go away. They are just as relevant and valid as the opinions of the other person involved. Sucking it up or ignoring feelings is the least respectful thing to do to yourself and, ultimately, to the other person, too, because not speaking your mind will undoubtedly lead to trouble in the future. Maybe you’ve heard the saying: If you don’t say it, you’ll show it; that option invariably has a worse outcome. Having an honest conversation will lead to an easier, brighter future for all involved, including a possible improvement in the situation for yourself and/or the other people involved.

A NOTE ON SAFETY

If the person you’re speaking with creates a violent atmosphere, there is zero chance you’ll be having a successful experience. If you are in a violent situation, get out immediately. Maybe there will be another moment to resume the conversation in a safe environment.

You’ll Deepen Your Relationship with the Other Person

A very important opportunity in difficult conversations is to deepen the relationship you have with the other person or people involved. Simply having a difficult conversation requires bravery, and that courage alone will strengthen the relationship because it shows the other person they are an important and valued part of your life. The fact that both of you get to share your truth with integrity and honesty will add to that connection. Telling others what you want, believe, and feel is a very openhearted thing to do, and it can be done without damaging the relationship you have with each other.

When approached mindfully, difficult conversations might not lead to that sudden breakup, the denouncing of a friendship, or that firing. On the contrary, they can strengthen your relationships thanks to the tenets of nonjudgment, acceptance, a beginner’s mind, trust, patience, and gratitude and generosity.

Parties Can Experience Personal Growth

You have the opportunity to grow as a person through your initiative to start a difficult conversation mindfully. Sometimes your own faults and habits are the most difficult to see, but mindful practices can help you observe and change them in a gentle way. For example, your growth might come in the form of mustering the courage to actually have a difficult conversation, being open to several different outcomes, learning to understand why you respond the way you do, or getting to know your deeper motives or beliefs.

You Can Get to Know Each Other

Another powerful opportunity found in conflict is that you allow people to get to know you better. When you use the mindful speaking approach you’ll learn in this book, you will disclose honest opinions and perspectives. In your personal life, expressing how you truly feel about something insensitive a family member said can help you and the other party learn more about each other. If you avoid that conversation, the level of openness and honesty in your relationship might drop, which, after a while, might make your connection feel shallow.

In turn, by mindfully listening to the other person’s opinions and perspectives, you will get to know them better. This leads to improved understanding both ways, and probably to higher appreciation for each other and to easier future interactions.

You Can Help Others

By having difficult conversations, you can actually help other people in many different ways. This can be either a direct or an indirect result of the conversation you engage in. For example, the conversation might:

Allow the other person to speak their truth.

Help the other person feel appreciated, valued, and seen or heard.

Inspire the other person to change their ineffective or harmful behavior.

Motivate the other person to have a similar conversation with a loved one, a friend, or a colleague.

For example, if the ineffective behavior from a colleague at work impacts you, finding a mindful way to discuss this with them can help them adjust their behavior. This will influence how you two interact, and it may even improve their career.

You May Find a Way Forward That Fits Everyone’s Needs

By approaching your disagreement from a mindful perspective, keeping the conversation positive, and focusing on what’s happening at the present moment, solutions often arise that fit everyone’s needs. In many cases, disagreement exists as a result of what people perceive—from their personal perspective—to be the only possible solution that works for them. When you’re open to hearing everyone’s actual needs, however, it is very possible that there are several workable outcomes in which everyone wins. For example, it’s your son’s birthday, and he wants to invite all of his school friends to celebrate. You, however, want to keep your house clean, as extended family will be coming in a few days to celebrate. To make both of you win, you could host a children’s party in the park or at a local museum or gym.

Mindful Lesson: An Unexpected Outcome

Partners Bob and Shane are considering where to go on their summer vacation. Bob has his heart set on breathing in some of that beautiful European culture, so he suggests that they go to Amsterdam and London. Shane, however, really wants to soak up some sun, like in Hawaii. Bob’s idea to go to these wind- and rain-prone cities really doesn’t excite Shane at all.

Bob and Shane know the approach to mindful conflict resolution and know that, if they stay at the level of the solutions they have already come up with to have their own needs met (European cities versus Hawaii), they will probably get stuck in a very long back-and-forth where each party is argumentative. Instead, they decide to keep an open mind and talk about their underlying needs (to experience European culture versus sunbathing).

After they have both had the chance to share their needs, they quickly realize that it’s not at all hard to find a place to travel to that fits what each of them wants out of their summer. They decide to explore the southern part