Build Social Confidence: Cognitive Development, #4

Introduction

Is there someone who you’d desperately want to impress? Your boss, your platonic love, the fussy saleslady at your local grocery store?

When finally you are face to face with that person and you feel your big moment is here, you take a deep breath, and ...

... You can’t say a word. You just awkwardly gape like a fish and then change your walking direction. You try to pretend that you were just yawning and made a wrong turn when you stopped in front of her with all your might. "Did she buy it? I hope she did ... Can it go any worse than this?" Actually, it can.

What’s worse than saying nothing is saying way too much. You blab and blab, and somewhere in the course of the blabbing, you lose your point because you’re very nervous. You realize this, you block for a second, and when you catch the tail of your cool story, you resume blabbing. In the meantime, the subject of your interest looks right through you with an unimpressed face, chewing bubblegum.

Suddenly you realize that you said some very weird stuff. Words can’t be withdrawn, my friend. What’s out is out.

Don’t worry. We’ve all been there, even the cool person who you wish to impress so desperately. Social bloopers happen. If, however, you think you experience more bloopers than those around you, or your life is a constant blooper-to-blooper road, you have to put in extra effort if you want to change. But you can change. And you should.

Why?

Because being socially fluent, likable, and charming are maybe the most important skills ever. Your entire life orbits around different social interactions — friendships, relationships, companionships, work relations etc. If you can’t communicate what you want charmingly enough to a possible partner, intriguingly enough to a possible friend, or succinctly enough to a possible business partner, you’ll be left behind.

DURING MY CAREER AS a coach, I met many kinds of people who had communication difficulties. You may think that these people were born in front of the computer, blind on one side, missing their noses, wearing Roman togas, and oozing awkwardness from each pore. Wrong. Most people who struggle with social confidence have their stuff together otherwise. They have nice personalities, good jobs ... Sometimes I was startled and wondered, Why does this person need communication coaching?

When we started talking, I slowly put the picture together. When I asked them what day should be good for the next session, they would start talking about their dog shedding more than usual. When I asked when the dog last saw a vet, they replied, Wednesday. Their responses were full of bad timing, randomness, and long, weird silences.

Some people say, But I have great values, I have so much to give. I’m sure you do. You can have the greatest personality in the world, but if you can’t share it with others effectively, you won’t be able to build good relationships.

Do you often feel like you’re the person who always stands in the corner at a gathering? The one nobody cares about? The one who came because the crazy friend dragged you to the party, only to ditch you in search of cooler people? You are the one in the gray shirt, awkwardly holding a Solo cup of beer and bopping your head to the rhythm of the music to pretend you’re having fun.

On the outside you seem ... chill? But inside, your head is full of chaos. All your brain cells are in emergency preparedness mode and on high alert to be able to answer questions like, How do you do? and What’s your name?

Odds are against you being asked a question that requires an answer of more than three words — including hi. And here comes that girl in the blue dress, she’s approaching, very close ...

She’s going to talk to me. What should I do?

Your inner alarm beeps loudly in your head, your heart rate rises to at least two thousand and clears the thoughts from your mind. You go completely blank. And suddenly ... she changes direction and enters the restroom. You feel relieved and disappointed at the same time.

The biggest obstacles in front of people who are not fluent in social interaction are the following two convictions:

That charisma and social fluency is something that the lucky ones are simply born with.

That social interaction must be learned and thought through logically.

These beliefs are wrong. Conversations are creative exercises. The skills one needs to have good conversations, therefore, are not the skills of the logical, thinking brain. Good conversation skills need the training of the emotional brain. Just think about the stereotype of mathematicians and IT people (geeks); they tend to have a bad reputation when it comes to social fluency. Why? Because they try to be too logical. Social interactions can be practiced and improved upon just like anything else in this world. You’re not born with the skill of flipping pancakes with one hand or speaking Chinese, either. No one is born as an absolutely talented conversationalist, and no one is born to be absolutely weak in it.

There is a habit I learned in my chaotic, always-on-the-move teenage years and have applied ever since. When I go somewhere completely unknown, I do my research beforehand. Being flawless in social situations is often a matter of comfortable knowledge. If you know something for sure, you’re less likely to feel weird talking about it, whereas when you feel that you know nothing about the person or culture, but you wish to fill the space with words anyway, that’s when bloopers happen. If you want to learn something, you have to do your research. If you want to hang out with boxers, for example, check out Wikipedia at least and upgrade your knowledge about this sport. You won’t become a master of the topic, but you’ll be able to add to the conversation — at least in form of questions.

If you want to make a very good impression, talk with somebody about the interests and habits of the group you want to join. Talking to one person under casual circumstances is less scary and can help you become well-informed. Maybe you’ll have