Advocate to Win: 10 Tools to Ask for What You Want and Get It

A POST HILL PRESS BOOK

ISBN: 978-1-64293-663-6

ISBN (eBook): 978-1-64293-664-3

Advocate to Win:

10 Tools to Ask for What You Want and Get It

© 2021 by Heather Hansen

All Rights Reserved

Cover Design by Lisa Graves

The stories in this book are my stories. They involve other people’s stories, so names, events, dates, places, and details have been changed to protect their identities and for literary effect. This book is not meant as legal advice, and nothing in this book should be construed as such.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author and publisher.

Post Hill Press

New York • Nashville

posthillpress.com

Published in the United States of America

To my nieces, Brennah, Brielle, Bella, and Joey, and to my nephew, Jace. I can’t wait to see all the ways you’ll win.

Contents

Introduction: You Are Your Best Advocate

Chapter 1      Elegance

Chapter 2      Words

Chapter 3      Perspective

Chapter 4      Questions

Chapter 5      Credibility

Chapter 6      Evidence

Chapter 7      Reception

Chapter 8      Presentation

Chapter 9      Negotiation

Chapter 10    Argument

Conclusion: Ending with Elegance

Endnotes

Introduction: You Are Your Best Advocate

Life has so much to offer. Some of us go after it and get it. But for the vast majority of us—we just dream about what we want. Or worse, we’re afraid to even admit we want anything beyond what we have. We just shuffle through the status quo, knowing there’s more out there, but not knowing how to ask for it, get it, or even define it.

I’m not talking about big things either—like mansions or Ferraris. I’m talking about a new job or a raise. I’m talking about love or help at home or more time dedicated to taking care of oneself.

Is it wrong to admit we want those things? When we seem to have it all, is it wrong to want more? Maybe you want to start your own business or to finally go after a promotion. Maybe you want better relationships, more self-confidence, more opportunity, or more support. Whatever you want, it’s perfectly normal to want it, and it’s perfectly legitimate to ask for it. Not saying it out loud doesn’t stop the wanting, either. It only makes it worse.

I know all about that. I know because I work with clients every day, helping them own what they want and then ask for it in a way that allows them to get it. I’m an advocacy coach. But I also know the struggle because…I’ve lived it, too. For years I didn’t ask for what I wanted. I didn’t own my choices, and as a result I didn’t advocate for myself.

But when I finally began making better choices and advocating for those choices, my whole world changed.

I’m here to tell you that yours will, too.

For more than twenty years I advocated for other people as a trial attorney. I represented doctors, nurses, and hospitals in medical malpractice cases. It was my job to advocate for my clients, and I was good at it. When the list of the top fifty female attorneys in Pennsylvania came out every year, I was usually named on it. I was inducted as a fellow in the American College of Trial Lawyers. And I won most of my cases. Advocating for others was definitely one of my superpowers. But what I discovered was that I had an even greater superpower—teaching others how to advocate for themselves. I realized that when I coached witnesses on how to have the confidence and clarity to ask for what they wanted from the jury, we won.

That’s why I became a coach. My coaching practice is built upon a collection of ten simple tools—the ten tools a trial lawyer uses to win. To win is to receive something positive because you’ve earned it. In the courtroom we won verdicts, but now my clients win support, attention, loyalty, and joy. They win money, love, time, and self-confidence. You can win, too. Once you start asking for what you want and getting it, your life will change. Once you advocate for yourself, your world will open up and you’ll start collecting your wins.

Proof that this advocacy system works revealed itself over and over again when I worked in the courtroom. In court, the jury didn’t really want to hear from me. The jury wanted to hear from the person who did the thing at issue. That meant I could advocate my little heart out for my doctors and nurses, but if they couldn’t get up into the witness stand, turn to the jury, and advocate for themselves, we wouldn’t win. The problem was that my witnesses weren’t trained advocates. They were surgeons, nurses, scrub techs, schedulers, obstetricians, and primary care doctors. Stepping into the witness stand and asking the jury for a win often terrified them. But together, we turned each of them into an advocate and helped them overcome their fear and trepidation. They learned to advocate for themselves, with strength, grace, and charisma. And the wins poured in.

You might not think of yourself as an advocate either. But you are. An advocate is simply someone who publicly supports something. Have you ever asked your child to eat their vegetables? You’re advocating for vegetables. Ever recommended a restaurant or a TV show? You’re advocating for that restaurant or TV show. I bet you advocate for your children, your team, your employees, and your friends. I hope you advocate for yourself, your ideas, and the things you want. But if you don’t, now you will. Because I’m going to give you the tools to do it so well that you’ll get what you want, every time. I know these tools work. I’ve used them to help hundreds of witnesses advocate for themselves when the stakes are high and the pressure is on.

Too many people want someone else to do their advocating for them. My coaching clients struggle with this every day. When we first begin working together, they often say, I wish you could do it for me. And if I could, I would. I love to advocate for others. It was my life’s purpose for twenty years. But when you ask someone else to advocate for you, something is missing. No one else has your heart, your passion, your experience, your talent, your brain, your interest, or your charisma. No one else can advocate for you better than you can. And the sooner you recognize that you are your own best advocate, the sooner you can start using these tools to win.

An Ironic Epiphany

It took a perfect storm for me to finally realize that I, too, needed to learn to advocate for myself. I had to make some different choices and then advocate for what I needed to get what I chose. Before I realized that I could use these ten tools to ask for the things I wanted, and get them, I reached a dark place. It was 2015, and I had just finished a two-week trial outside Philadelphia. We’d won, but there wasn’t much time for celebration. My car was packed with trial binders, exhibits, and suits for another trial, this one scheduled to be three weeks long and two hours away. I was sitting in my Toyota RAV4 outside the Good Day Philadelphia studios on Market Street, about to go in and do a television piece on a legal story in the news. Then I was to drive north, get settled in my hotel, and start advocating for my next client.

But I didn’t want to.

And I was afraid to admit that, to myself or to anyone else. To the outside world, it may have seemed like I had it all. I often felt like I did! But I wanted to make different choices for my life and my future. I had a lot, but somehow I wanted something else, something more. And sitting there thinking that made me feel selfish and greedy. My life was full of gifts. I had a great legal practice, a fabulous condo in Philadelphia, a share in a shore house, and a charismatic boyfriend. Not only was I a successful trial attorney, but I’d also built a speaking practice and was doing multiple media hits. I’d traveled to Los Cabos, Ireland, and all across the United States speaking to doctors about how to advocate for themselves and their patients.

Despite all of this, I was unhappy. Trials are a zero-sum game. Someone wins, someone loses, and the results are public. I was tired of that. And I was tired of fighting. Trial lawyers fight for a living, and many lawyers enjoy the fight. That was never me. I have my psychology degree, and I enjoyed counseling my clients. I loved teaching them to advocate for themselves. And I knew that the counseling I provided and the tools I gave them to advocate changed them forever. But that was no longer enough. I wanted something different. I wanted more. And I was afraid to admit that, to myself or anyone else.

Specifically, I wanted to do more television. I’d recently started doing legal analysis for CNN, Fox News Channel, NBC, CBS, and Fox 29. I loved it. The first time I did live television, one of the producers said, This is one of the scariest things you’ll ever do. He was so wrong. When you’re advocating for a doctor who has spent her whole life dedicated to helping people and now someone said she was careless when she wasn’t—that’s scary. Her emotions, her faith in herself, and even her reputation were on the line. And that scared me. But TV was pure, unadulterated fun. And the timing was great. There happened to be a ton of legal cases in the news in 2015 (anyone remember Jodi Arias?), so I had lots of opportunities to pursue this new love. But not when I was in the middle of a trial. I’d just missed two weeks of TV for the trial I’d just won, had a three-week trial ahead of me, and then another looming right after that. TV was on hold. I wasn’t getting what I wanted. But I wasn’t even asking.

My relationship was suffering from all these trials. My boyfriend lived in Connecticut, and he had his own career and a son. I usually went to see him on weekends because that was what he wanted. But I wanted more support when I was on trial. I wanted someone who was able and willing to come to me on those weekends. I wasn’t getting what I wanted. But I wasn’t even asking.

Then there was New York City. I’d wanted to live there since I was a little girl. Cities had always called to me, and I loved living in Philadelphia for many years. But I wanted the experience of living in Manhattan. I wasn’t getting what I wanted. But I wasn’t. Even. Asking.

Because I wouldn’t admit what I wanted, I wasn’t asking for it. And if I wasn’t advocating for it, I couldn’t get it. I was stuck in a mess of my own making. And those messes seem to hurt most. As I sat in my car that day, excited for the television hit and dreading the trial that would follow, it struck me that I didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t want to try cases back to back, with no break in between. I didn’t want to win arguments for a living. I didn’t want to be in a long-distance relationship with someone who couldn’t be with me even when I was going through tough times. I had to choose something different. I had to believe I could choose to want more, whether I felt I deserved it or not.

That was the first step. Once I realized I could choose what I wanted, then I had to start asking for it. My life was made up of my choices. I had to make them. And then I had to advocate for the choices I had made.

I had an epiphany—I needed to advocate! My legal clients would come to me, tell me what they wanted (usually a win), and I’d ask for it. Most of the time, I’d get it. I needed someone to advocate for me and what I wanted. And that someone could only be me. I had to start advocating for myself.

The good news: I knew how. The tools I’d been using to earn so many wins in the courtroom could work outside the courtroom as well. Elegance, Words, Perspective, Questions, Credibility, Evidence, Reception, Presentation, Negotiation, and Argument. These were the tools that had allowed me to advocate for my clients so successfully. They were also the tools that my clients used to advocate for themselves and win. Now I’d use those tools to advocate for my choices…and for myself. I’d use those tools to win.

And I did. I started advocating for myself. Some of it was easy. I finally asked my law partners for help, and they gave it. I advocated my way to a lighter case load, which allowed me to do more television. In fact, I decided I wanted to be an anchor on television. Once I knew what I wanted, I found an opportunity that fit. Dan Abrams was starting a new network—the Law & Crime Network. I advocated my way into being an anchor on that network for a year. Then I realized that wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I loved television but not talking about murder and rape all day. My wants changed. But I learned from that. I realized that I wanted to change people’s lives by sharing the ten tools of an advocate. I wanted to reach as many people as possible, so I started a keynote speaker practice and advocated my way onto stages across the globe, sharing these tools with thousands through my speeches.

I wanted to write a book. So I did. I wrote The Elegant Warrior: How to Win Life’s Trials Without Losing Yourself, and it became an Amazon bestseller. I wanted a podcast—so I started The Elegant Warrior podcast. Then, when the pandemic hit, I admitted to myself that after coaching my legal clients through trials for all those years, I wanted to be an advocacy coach. It took a pandemic for me to admit to myself that that was what I truly wanted. Quarantine helped me decide it was time to go for it full-time—not holding on to the security blanket of my legal career. Now I have a thriving self-advocacy coaching business where I help my clients admit what they want to themselves and then ask for it from others. It’s the most rewarding work I’ve ever done.

But it didn’t stop there. I wanted to end my relationship but also to remain friends with my boyfriend. That took some Perspective, Argument, Negotiation, and Elegance. That relationship ended, yet the friendship has survived. I wanted to move to New York, so I did—first part-time and then, in 2018, full-time.

My wants have changed. They’ve evolved with me and with our changing world. But I’m not worried. I have the tools of an advocate, and with these tools I know how to ask for what I want and get it in any situation. I know how to advocate for myself—with elegance. I know how to win. And that’s what I want for you, too. I want you to want what you want and then go out and get it. The first step to getting what you want is being willing to want it. Then I want you to ask for it in a way that allows you to get it. The ten tools you’ll learn in this book will help you do just that. You will become your own best advocate. And you will win.

Your Courtroom Cheat Sheet

In this book I’m going to use terms that are normally used to describe trials and apply them to your work advocating for yourself. The Jury is central to successful advocating. In the courtroom, my jury is the twelve men and women I need to influence and persuade. Then, at the end of presenting my case, I’ll ask them for what I want, and they decide whether I get it.

In life, you have a jury as well. In fact, you have two. You have your Inner Jury and your Outer Jury. They decide your wins.

Let’s start with your Outer Jury, because they’re easier to understand and often easier to persuade. Your Outer Jury is the person or people you want to influence. They’re the people who ultimately decide whether you’ll get what you’re asking for. That means your jury changes with whatever it is you’re advocating for. If you’re asking for a promotion, your jury is your manager or your boss. If you want a new job, your jury is the person who decides whether to hire you. If you want to get a deal on your credit card interest, your jury is the woman from the credit card company that you’re talking to on the phone. When you want better boundaries with a new boyfriend or his family, your jury is your boyfriend or his family. Every day you face an Outer Jury, and some days you face more than one. You need to know your Outer Jury before you can make them believe. Every time you have to depend on someone else to get something you want, that someone else is your Outer Jury. Throughout this book when I’m referring to your Outer Jury, that’s who I’m referring to.

Your Inner Jury is a little tougher to imagine. It’s the part of you that decides. We will dive deeper into the Inner Jury, and how you help her decide, in great detail in the Elegance chapter. Because knowing and persuading your Inner Jury is the key to advocating. You can’t advocate until you believe, so you’ve got to influence your Inner Jury to believe first. And for many of my coaching clients, this is by far their hardest work. I give a workshop titled When Your Toughest Jury Is You, and it sells out. Women especially know that they often judge themselves and come up lacking. When you’re advocating, that won’t work. Your Outer Jury will never believe you, or believe in you, until you have persuaded your Inner Jury to do so. It’s the first work you’ll do in this book.

Every single one of the tools you use in this book has to be used with your Inner Jury first. As we go through