Manage Your Critic: From Overwhelm to Clarity in 7 Steps

First Published 2017

Copyright © Sheryl Andrews 2016

Sheryl Andrews has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work

Printed by Completely Novel

ISBN 978-0-9957556-1-1 kindle

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements

Reviews

Introduction

Where to start

Part 1:The Strength and Solution Detective

I just wanted everyone to be happy

The magic of listening

My critic

Managing change

Don’t wait for crisis

From sole trader to supported trader

Part 2:Clarity

Introduction

7 steps to Clarity

Setting you up for success

Space matters

Step 1: Curiosity

What rules might prevent curiosity?

Your brain and curiosity

5 senses

Questioning skills

Listening skills

Summary – Curiosity

Step 2: Language

Words and vocabulary

Body language

Universal qualifiers

Metaphors

Summary – Language

Step 3: Attention

What’s working vs what’s not working

Time

Trauma

Internally referenced or externally referenced

Critic alert

Boxes

Summary – Attention

Step 4: Reflection

Mirror-Mirror

Modelling

Power of feedback

Summary – Reflection

Step 5: Intention

The drama triangle

How to get out and stay out of drama

The power of ‘and’

Summary – Intention

Step 6: Trust

Comfortable with uncomfortable

Trust your own process

Take your own advice

Summary – Trust

Step 7: You

Your why

Your story without drama or blame

The whole of you

Summary – You

Part 3:Confidence

Power groups

Power group agenda

Real life

Do, Delegate or Ditch

Motivate, Manage or Mentor

Wealth Dynamics

Summary – Confidence

Conclusion

Letter to my children

To my younger self aged 9

Letter to you, the reader

Part 4 – Workbooks

Starting point

Solution focused

Setting you up for success

Strengths

Support

Evidence based feedback

Drama-free feedback

Celebrate change

Part 5 – Resources

Books I have referred to

Other resources

Contact Sheryl

Social Media

Acknowledgements

This has been one of the hardest parts of this book to write. I have been inspired, supported and challenged by so many different people at different times in my life. It feels impossible to narrow it down to a few lines. I am genuinely grateful to everyone, even those who unknowingly hurt me with their criticism – you made me who I am today.

My critic is also quick to remind me how I felt when my contribution was not acknowledged. With this in mind, if you read this acknowledgement and you have even the slightest twinge of Why didn’t she mention me? then please pick up the phone and let’s chat about that. It is not my intention to ignore or forget you and yet there are people in the past 12 months that have really stepped up and made a massive difference in my life and given me the support I needed to get this book finished, and there are some without whom this book would not have been possible.

David Grove – co-author with B.I. Panzer of Resolving Traumatic Memories: Metaphors and Symbols in Psychotherapy and originator of Clean Language, Clean Space and Emergent Knowledge – thank you for sharing your work on a generosity framework and providing me with access to the solution to my sensitivity to criticism.

Penny Tompkins and James Lawley – originators of Symbolic Modelling – thank you for making Clean Language accessible to so many.

Marian Way – author of Clean Approaches for Coaches – thank you for developing Clean Language for coaches and for your kindness and care in supporting me to discover who I really am and never judging even when I revealed an ugly side of my thoughts.

Caitlin Walker – author of From Contempt to Curiosity – Creating the conditions for groups to collaborate and the originator of Systemic Modelling – thank you for giving me the courage to show up in a group and be myself.

Mark Andrews – my beloved husband. Thank you for having the courage to join me on this journey. You inspire me to grow and love more deeply each and every day.

Paige and Liam – my children – you challenge me and you love me unconditionally all at the same time. I hope that one day I will master that very same skill that you so naturally have.

Linda, Carl and Dawn, my sister, brother and sister-in-law – thank you for showing up and taking the time to say you are proud of me and that you believe in me. I want you to know that actually hearing those words made all the difference.

My mum and dad – for your strength and tenacity to never give up in the face of adversity.

Karen Williams – Librotas book mentor, author and friend – for pushing me when I wanted to give up and for believing in me when I didn’t. For constantly keeping me on track and ensuring that the book was aligned with my purpose and my message.

Louise Lubke Cuss my editor for gently sending each iteration back without judgement or contempt and slowly but surely helping me smooth off the rough edges to create a book that is consistent and readable.

Suzii Fido – thank you for translating my thoughts into the beautiful images throughout this book, for the cover and for all my social media promotions. Thank you for the times when I needed to download and you listened and encouraged.

Tom Hogben – thank you for consistently responding and engaging with my newsletters and reading the first draft. Your regular responses made me feel like I was not alone and that someone was listening.

Helen Holden – my bestie – thank you for keeping me grounded and making sure that I did not forget to stop and live life as well as plan for it.

Belinda Butler – my personal trainer, client and friend – thank you for teaching me to view my body without criticism and educating me that not all pain is an indicator that you should give up and that there is such a thing as a good stretch.

Sheryl Andrews – I want to thank myself. That might sound weird but I have needed and valued all this support and yet it is me that had to show up and do the work so for me it is important to acknowledge my part in this process.

Peer support – for everyone that has supported and encouraged me on line and off line. Thank you for your kindness. Every comment, every like and every share reminded me that my audience were waiting for me to speak.

Reviews

I was fortunate enough to be part of the team of proof readers that Sheryl asked to support her as she wrote this book. Having worked with Sheryl I can say she is one of the most giving people I have ever met and this book is a great example of her generosity. It provides straightforward, down to earth methods that make sense and are easy to implement. As a result of this book I have gained more confidence to stand up and say what I think and feel both at home and at work. It was great to be reminded that my opinion is just as important as anyone else’s and to have practical ways to communicate it without the drama. I have been so inspired I am now looking to set up my own business.

Tom Hogben, Entrepreneur in the making

I love this book! When I trained as a coach I was amazed at how powerful the act of listening was and yet it was only available to those that decided to formally train as coaches and practitioners. Not any more thanks to Sheryl; you now have a valuable resource in your hands (and if you’re a coach, you will still benefit from reading this book too).

I have gained great insights and questions to ask myself, my clients, and my family, from this book. Sheryl says when you stop being curious, you stop listening. This is so true, and yet there are multiple reasons why we stop being curious. Sometimes, we are simply too tired. However, Sheryl recognises this, after having experienced it herself, and gives helpful tips and suggested actions to manage yourself during those times.

Sheryl suggests that listening to yourself without criticism allows you to listen to others without judgement or opinion. Imagine a world where you are no longer being held back by criticism, judgement or opinion. That is a world I want to live in.

Helen Monaghan, Finance coach and author of Successful

Business Minds and12 Steps to Improve your Cashflow.

Introduction

Welcome to Manage Your Critic – From Overwhelm to Clarity in 7 Steps. A practical guide for parents, managers and entrepreneurs. Before we get started you might be thinking you don’t fit into one of the titles – parent, manager or entrepreneur and maybe you don’t. Maybe you call yourself a sole trader, self-employed, a founder or a business owner. Maybe you don’t have children or lead a team. However, I do believe you will be someone that works hard to make a difference. That might be for your family, your team, your community and for those thinking a bit bigger you might be wanting to make a global difference. What I believe you and I may also have in common is that you are not driven by the money. Money however is one tool we can use to measure progress. Money is the currency that currently gives us more time to do the things we love and support the causes and people that matter to us most. Whatever title or role you give yourself I assume that you are here because you care and you want something to change.

After 25 plus years of motivating and inspiring others to create and manage change, I woke up realising that I was stuck going around in circles feeling like I wasn’t getting anywhere. At my lowest point, I felt a complete failure and wondered why I was even bothering. I genuinely believed my mood swings and lack of consistency meant that my children would be better off without me and at the time it was my business that kept me focused and gave me hope. And when my business hit challenges it was my children that kept me focused. They are both so entwined and one supports the other. As I worked with my clients there was all the evidence I needed that it was possible to manage your critic. They were gaining clarity, confidence was growing and change definitely happened. I had to master taking my own advice, because whatever I was doing for them worked. In my frustration I often gave up hope and considered closing the business down, but something inside me said I wasn’t to give up.

Over the years I have become aware that we all have a voice in our head and some have a critic that asks questions and challenges decisions. Then one day I noticed I had another voice. There was this little detective that loved to ask questions to understand how things worked. She had been paying attention to how I listened and what made me different. Every day investigating and collecting evidence of how I added value. When I started to give both the detective and the critic equal opportunity to be heard things changed.

At first I thought all I did was listen, then as the detective encouraged me to investigate and drilled down with more and more questions, I realised that not everyone listens like me, and not everyone pays attention to the same things that I do.

Once I understood how I do what I do, it made sense of so much and with this clarity my business partnerships and personal relationships started to flourish. When I was able to manage my critic all kinds of things happened – including writing this book. I had said all my life I wanted to write a book but something kept stopping me.

What I have come to realise is that as humans we are experiencing change all the time and we each have our own limit of how much change we can take. Ironically at the time I reached my limit, I had created three change programmes that helped my clients gain clarity and confidence. But because I had not taken the time to listen to my own advice I quickly moved from overwhelm to crisis.

Instead of managing my critic I was verbalising everything it had to say without really listening. Slowly but surely I shut down and eventually blocked out the voice of the detective and lost focus and purpose.

At home I was stuck, consistently complaining about what was not working and what I didn’t want or didn’t have or what wasn’t fair. At work I thought I was wearing a good mask and that no one knew, but they could tell. I smiled, I was positive and I was still trying to help as many people as possible, often doing lots of work unpaid.

I had to change my focus to change the response. I had to change who and what I listened to. I had to become more strength and solution focused. I had to be willing to look in the mirror, manage my critic and then see and hear the good in myself. I had to give myself the same gift I gave my clients.

You might find yourself asking others for the answers, for advice, and searching for the clues outside of you and if that is working that is great. But if, like me, you get exhausted by helping everyone else and never seeming to find the answer for yourself maybe now is the time to stop searching outside and take a moment to really stop, reflect and really listen to what your critic is actually saying.

Listening isn’t as easy as just being quiet. It is about the way you ask questions and what you ask questions of. It is about which words you reflect back and how you hear that information that will ultimately determine if you get to hear your own thoughts. Sometimes when others listen to us they interrupt us with their thoughts, ideas and suggestions. Instead of hearing yourself think you get the other person’s opinion added to the pile of confusion you already had.

Many including me are guilty of expecting our family and friends to listen without any real consideration of how complex the skill of listening is. Many are unaware of how many hours of training professional listeners undergo and how often they practise to develop that skill.

It is