Why Weren’t We Taught This at School?: The surprisingly simple secret to transforming life’s challenges

What people are saying

I wish I’d been taught this in school. It’s life-changing stuff – not just for you, but for those around you. These are skills, once learnt and practised, that will unquestionably improve the quality of your life.

– Tony Hawks MBE, TV and radio comedian and bestselling author, including Round Ireland with a Fridge

This book has so much to teach us all about building connections and understanding through the simple, but often neglected, act of listening – really listening – to other people. And to ourselves. At a time when so many of us have become isolated, with only a screen for company, the timing of this book could not be better. It is a tool box. Keep it close at hand and dip in often.

– Jim Carter OBE and Imelda Staunton CBE, actors

‘Why Weren’t We Taught This at School?’ is the right question. Knowing that behind all troublesome behavior we express, or experience with others, lurks an unmet need that is looking for satisfaction brings clarity to nearly every human interaction. And that is exactly what Alice Sheldon does in this aptly titled book. Anyone reading it will find their experience put in the context of need satisfaction along with a process for identifying and satisfying those needs. Recommended for everyone.

– Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, co-authors of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

From the world of business

Alice Sheldon’s insightful book examines the obstacles that we commonly encounter in our interactions with others. Her solution is brilliant, easy to understand and applies with equal force in personal and professional contexts. This is an invaluable toolkit for honest, compassionate and effective communication.

– Sharif Shivji QC, barrister specialising in commercial law

The ability to build and sustain relationships with a wide range of people is an essential skill in business in order to get things done. By using the tools outlined in this book, managers at all levels of seniority can foster the kind of environment in which people feel engaged and can give their best, finding creative and efficient solutions in seemingly intractable situations. A must-read book for 21st century leaders.

– John Odell, director of one of the ‘Big Four’ professional services firms

At last Alice Sheldon has put her brilliant Needs Understanding approach into a book! It has been my go-to framework for helping leaders on ‘how to have difficult conversations’ for many years. Whilst Emotional Intelligence frameworks help with empathic awareness and even self-regulation, Needs Understanding goes further in providing a simple, practical, yet powerfully transformative approach to solve problems where no one loses out, relationships remain intact and everyone flourishes. This clear, practical, yet profound book will help you see relationship-building, creative strategising and problem-solving without compromise in a completely new light. Applying the concepts in Why Weren’t We Taught This at School? is one of the most powerful things you can do to transform your relationships and contribute to a more healthy, joyful, sustainable world.

– Heather Monro, executive coach, Brightspace

Now, more than ever, we need to lean towards each other, developing more trusting and genuine relationships with work colleagues, with friends and with family members. This book is packed with personal stories, insightful examples and practical skills to demonstrate empathy and build collaborative solutions.

– Mark Pilkington, sales and marketing leader in the travel and leisure industry

A really accessible and engaging read, with lots of practical suggestions to enable improved outcomes and results for all parties. Alice’s experience in this field really shows, and makes a clear case for the benefit of adopting Needs Understanding in both work and home environments.

– Matthew Wait, chief financial officer of a leading global education firm

This is one of the most impactful books I have read for many years. Simple lessons and practices that can change the way we engage with ourselves and with each other, and yet Why Weren’t We Taught This at School? Instead we struggle and bumble through our lives not really understanding how things work. This book opens our eyes and gives us a manual on how to get our lives off the ground, and be the really wonderful human beings that we were born to be.

– Veronica Munro, international executive coach, author, and artist

From the world of education

This book is so beautifully written and reminds me of all the things I thought I knew, but somehow do not manage to keep live in my head at every interaction. I reflect on recent conversations when I ‘should’ have known better, and yet somehow got drawn into being less than my best self. Without judgement, and with huge compassion, Alice empathises with readers like me because she’s been there too. I can see that this is a book I will want to return to again and again.

– Dr Belinda Hopkins, author of The Restorative Classroom and director of Transforming Conflict

This is such a refreshing book. Alice wants us to understand ourselves, and how our needs impact our communication and relationships, and this oozes out of the book in such a skilful way. For anyone who works with humans of any age, or is a human, this book is transformational. My hope is that this is what the next generations will learn at school.

– Lily Horseman, chair, Forest Schools Association

Alice has written a book that is easy to read, describing simple strategies that are easy to apply. It makes you wonder why we don’t all do this already! With every page, I found myself thinking, ‘I must share this with…’ This is a timely book, landing at a time when mental health issues are increasingly prominent and when we seem to be bombarded with disharmony and disagreement in the media. It should be essential reading for our political leaders.

– Adam Barber, head, Henleaze Junior School

A timely, compassionate and pragmatic reminder of the lessons which matter most; essential reading for all who teach and lead in schools, or wish they’d been taught differently themselves.

– Fionnuala Kennedy, head, Wimbledon High School

Alice Sheldon lives what she writes; this book is built on her thorough exploration of simple and powerful principles and tools, full of examples and insights of everyday life experiences. It is an art to be able to write in such a clear and structured form, easy to read and to concretely try out in our daily lives. A practical inspiration to make a difference in relationships with ourselves, with others and in the local and global political and economic structures we live in.

– Gabriele Grunt, co-founder of ECHT Communication and trainer for teacher and parent education

From the world of conflict resolution

A beautifully simple guide to the relationship skills we all so deeply need, but most of us don’t know how to access. This book belongs firmly on the curriculum for creating a more peaceful world.

– Dr Scilla Elworthy, three times nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize and founder of the Business Plan for Peace

This book offers a rich analysis of compassionate and empathetic forms of communication. In a world so divided, devoting thought and care to transforming conflict and nurturing relationships seems more necessary than ever. The Needs Understanding framework is therefore a timely treasure trove.

– Nomisha Kurian, co-chair of the Cambridge Peace and Education Research Group

Why Weren’t We Taught This at School? is an empathic and insightful guide to creating a world with less fear and more compassion. I found it to be easy to navigate, full of analogies with lots of tools to guide and bring clarity. As for ‘needs glasses’ – brilliant, everyone should have a pair!

– Gina Lawrie, assessor with the Centre for Nonviolent Communication and co-creator of the NVC Dance Floors

Alice Sheldon’s book is an essential guide for anyone who wants to contribute to a world where everyone matters. I spend my life seeking to ‘be the change I want to see in the world’, and this is a book which I’d put firmly on a reading list for life and especially for anyone who has influence over others.

– Maria Arpa MBE, executive director of the Center for Nonviolent Communication and founding chair of the Centre for Peaceful Solutions

From the world of psychotherapy

A passionate, wise and authentic book with lessons that have clearly been lived and refined. The skills outlined are simple but never simplistic. A rich template for living a skilful life.

– Malcolm Stern, co-founder of Alternatives, psychotherapist, and author

The ideas in this book are deeply transformational and it would serve humanity well if a copy were to find itself in everyone’s hands. What an infinitely more connected and peaceful world we would live in if the relationship skills found within this treasure trove were integrated into the heart of our communication with one another. Written intelligently, with compassion and honesty. We couldn’t wish for a more authentic guide.

– Cheryl Garner, psychotherapist, Imago Relationship Therapist, and parenting coach

And from the world of myth and mermaids

Alice Sheldon has written a timely and much needed book about how to rethink the way we speak to each other. Full of sound advice and practical exercises, she unpacks ideas fundamental to our unconscious needs and actions. This is a book we all need as we go forward into complex, difficult times of climate crisis and a post-pandemic world. More than anything, this is a book about how to be skilful and compassionate about ourselves and others. A book for our time.

– Monique Roffey, author of The Mermaid of Black Conch and winner of the Costa Book of the Year 2020

First published in Great Britain by Practical Inspiration Publishing, 2021

© Alice Sheldon, 2021

The moral rights of the author have been asserted

ISBN 9781788602952 (print)

9781788602945 (epub)

9781788602938 (mobi)

All rights reserved. This book, or any portion thereof, may not be reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

Every effort has been made to trace copyright holders and to obtain their permission for the use of copyright material. The publisher apologizes for any errors or omissions and would be grateful if notified of any corrections that should be incorporated in future reprints or editions of this book.

Cover and interior graphic design: Eduardo Iturralde

Illustrations: Lily Horseman

For Anna, light of my life

Contents

Introduction: why weren’t we taught this at school?

1. The surprisingly simple secret: understanding the world through the lens of needs

Part One ~ Listen with empathy

2. How not to listen: ten things we say that can alienate people

3. How to listen: tools for building empathy and connection

Part Two ~ Understand yourself with compassion

4. What makes you tick? Getting to know your own needs

5. How to unlock difficult situations: extra tools for tricky self-empathy

Part Three ~ Speak to be heard

6. Connect through speaking: creating conversations without barriers

7. Four powerful tools for speaking: getting your point across

Part Four ~ Act with care for everyone’s needs

8. Your needs, my needs, and a new way forward: creating strategies that work for everyone

9. Beyond right and wrong: moving from opposition to collaboration

Conclusion: choosing connection in a competitive world

Afterword: needs and the natural world

Appendix: useful lists

The author: about Alice

On the shoulders of giants: ideas that have contributed to Needs Understanding

Book Friends

Acknowledgements

Index of Pause Boxes

Index

Introduction

Why weren’t we taught this at school?

When you think back to your school days, what were the lessons you learned? Years later, many of us can remember our times tables, and yet feel lost when it comes to making sense of ourselves and others. We studied Maths and English, Science and Art, but most of us weren’t equipped with a toolkit for making tricky decisions, handling our feelings, or building the kinds of relationships in which everyone thrives.

This has left us with an approach to life that offers mixed results. Sometimes everything clicks into place: our decisions flow easily and we’re able to get on with the people around us without any effort. But at other times, we find ourselves feeling frustrated or unsure. We replay conversations over and over in our heads, wishing we had said things differently. We go back and forth endlessly when we’re trying to make a difficult decision. We long to get through just one week without anyone in our families or workplaces quarrelling, shouting, or sulking. Or we feel as though life is slipping away from us without our achieving what we want.

It’s as though we’re missing some of the essential pages of life’s instruction manual. A guide that would show us how to tap into what’s important so that we can create the change we desire. A framework for overcoming challenges more simply. And a way of making sense of the world so that life becomes easier to enjoy.

That’s what Needs Understanding offers us. It’s a powerful way of creating relationships in which everyone flourishes and of solving problems where no one loses out. You can use it across the board – at home, at work, and with your friends and associates. Not only is it transformational but it’s also deeply practical. It’s simple enough that you can learn the core principles in an hour or two and make an immediate difference to your daily life, or use it as a quick fix when you’re dealing with a tricky situation. And it’s profound enough to offer a way of transforming long-held patterns of thinking that hold you back from living life to the full. What’s more, it works even if you’re the only one who knows about it; you don’t have to bring your partner, colleagues, or friends on board as well.

It’s based on one core idea: that everything we say or do is an attempt to meet our underlying human needs – needs like choice, being heard, creativity, or authenticity. When we look at the world through the lens of needs, we discover exciting new solutions to our difficulties. Previously inexplicable behaviour starts to make sense, life feels simpler, and the world becomes a friendlier place in which we can achieve what we want.

Needs Understanding is based on the outlook that creating change in your personal life is one of the most powerful things you can do to affect the world more widely as well as to live more happily. At the same time, it works well alongside an appreciation of how the systems in our culture distribute power and resources unevenly, recognising the social, political, and economic factors that can get in the way of achieving our potential in life. This makes it a powerful tool for creating the social change that can lead to a world in which everyone’s needs are held with care.

Needs Understanding and me

I’ve been sharing the principles of Needs Understanding with organisations, groups, and individuals for many years now. After graduating with an MA in Psychology and Neurophysiology, I worked as a teacher and later as a barrister. Throughout my teens and twenties I lived with an increasing level of self-doubt and despair, and eventually hit rock bottom. My relationships were a mess, I’d lost any sense of purpose, and I couldn’t see the point of carrying on.

My transformation from a person who was in deep depression, convinced of her complete inability to