What Color Is My Ribbon? : an Ovarian Cancer Success Story

Copyright © 2009 by Carole McCaskill.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Contents

Introduction

Listen to the Whispers

The Journey Begins

Living Journal

Epilogue

Meet my ‘Hi Guys’

This book is dedicated to my loves Dan and Josh. You|

make life what it is, joyous. Daily, I give thanks that you are my family.

It is also dedicated to my extended family and friends. Without my wonderful support network this journey would have been difficult and this book would have been impossible.

I must also dedicate this book to all the strangers and acquaintances that through circumstance now fill the pages of this book. You may recognize yourself on one of these pages, and think . . . I may have seen her typing away feverishly on her blackberry!

Introduction

Hi Guys,

Forest Gump said, Life is like a box of chocolates well I think friends are like a box of chocolates. Inside each one of them is something different, delicious, and on any given day, there’s one with a wonderful filling inside that when consumed, satisfies the soul. That’s the beauty of having a whole box . . . each one is appreciated for its uniqueness!

Love to all of you,

Carole

This book is a collection of letters – alright emails – nobody writes letters these days, except my mother. I began writing these emails because I realized how concerned my friends and family were, about my diagnosis of ovarian cancer, and I knew that if they were sad and worried, I would be too and I knew I needed to be positive and happy as I went on this journey.

I think all of us have our roles in life that also vary from situation to situation. My role, with my friends is two-fold; first I am one of the organizers. I tend to organize lots of activities, parties etc. My other role is that of the logical, solution finder with just the right answers. Now where do I turn for answers? Typically I help myself. So these emails are a result of my cancer, while trying to help myself. This book is a result of the response to my emails with more and more friends saying how much they looked forward to these emails, how positive I was and asking permission if they can pass them on to other friends. So in my typical role of the solution finder, I hope that this book can help those with cancer find humor and an understanding of the power of a positive attitude in their quest to prevail. For anyone else reading this, that they too can find that a positive attitude can help you feel in control of your life, empowered and find joy in everything you do.

This email collection has been dubbed my Hi Guys emails . . . I use guys to mean both males and females and so that is how most of these emails start. My Guys actually constitute a collection of people that range from my nearest and dearest girlfriends, my immediate and extended family, co-workers and acquaintances that care. Throughout this book you will be introduced to many of these Guys. Some of these emails are sent to specific people and some are email responses to the mails I sent out. I received so many supportive emails back that I simply could not include all of them. If you want to know more about my Guys, I have included a short, funny story, about how each of these people fit into my life, at the back of the book. Thanks again to all of you for taking part in my Living Journal, a journal that responds back!

Some emails are short. Some are long. Some are funny. Some are informative and some comforting to those around me and some I hope are insightful. In all, I hope that you enjoy reading this collection of emails. I have tried to find humor in a very devastating, world affecting disease.

Listen to the Whispers

These emails were exchanged PRIOR to and leading up to my diagnosis. I wanted to add these to the book so you can see how the symptoms were there, but could be missed or can be mistaken for other less serious issues. As Ovarian Cancer Canada tries to teach . . .Listen to the Whispers!

July 16, 2007

Subject: Off I go!

Hi Cathy,

Cedar Point is great. Earlier I was waiting for everyone to get off a roller coaster . . . I just went on two low ones (height issues) I screamed so much I peed I bit. LOL. I’m used to going to the bathroom often – now I have to go immediately. I’ll have to do some Kegels! He-He. Maybe its time for Depends!

See you!

Carole

July 18, 2007

Hi Cathy,

I got my period . . . never fun when you are camping . . . in a tent and your body is insisting on waking you up twice a night to go for a pee! My period seems to be heavier than normal! Oh well the campsite is beautiful!

See ya soon,

Carole

July 25, 2007

Hey MJ,

Remember I had my annual last month and just thought I should get checked for ovarian cancer. No real reason, except that I might be at higher risk. I got the results from my trans-vaginal ultrasound – Good news it came back negative! The technician was a bit pissed off at me since she said my bladder wasn’t full. It seemed full to me. LOL, I guess that’s why I pee so often!

See you at golf after work. Are Vicki and Sandra joining us? Kay can’t make it but if Peggy is playing we will need two tee times.

Call me,

Carole

August 4, 2007

Hi Cathy,

I can’t believe I got my period again. So much for my 28 day cycle, 3 days of light bleeding – welcome to peri-menopause. Perhaps it is camping and the full moon. Lots of laundry to do when we get home! I hope I have enough supplies!

Are you still waiting for yours? How many days now? 35?

See you later,

Carole

August 31, 2007

Hi Gwen,

Don’t mention this, but on Tuesday I have to lay off 2 women that work for me. My stomach feels terrible. My stomach is literally turning. It’s bad enough having to do it, but on the first day back to school! Of course I always worry if I will get laid off after I have done the dirty deed. I don’t think so but I always wonder. This period is so heavy. I am bleeding like a stuck pig. I am sure it is the stress.

Carole

September 4, 2007

Hi Guys,

I cried. They cried. It was tough. I now have to fill in for both of them. Plus I wonder about my counterpart in Phoenix. He seems great, but is there a plan to get rid of one of us? Looking forward to starting yoga! A little pain in my lower abdomen! Not enough to really worry about. It must be this heavy period!

See you at coffee tomorrow,

Carole

September 10, 2007

Hi Judy,

My belly is a still little sore and I had trouble keeping up with the boys on our after lunch walk. The worse part is I seem to go to the bathroom so much. I feel constipated but then I am loose. Sorry I know this is gross but I have to bitch to someone.

Thanks for listening!

Carole

September 17, 2007

Hi Sonya,

I went to the doctor at work after lunch. I’m now getting cramps and I get bloated after eating. Do you think its IBS or just all this stress? I am so busy filling in for the two positions . . . and we have this big project with Phoenix. I’ll have to look up these symptoms, in my symptoms book.

The doctor gave me a prescription and set me up for an ultrasound but it isn’t until Oct. 1.

Carole

September 18, 2007

Hi Cathy,

Did Brian tell you about who we met at the coffee club this morning? Ivan. She’s a writer who is staying in the provincial park. I bought a copy of her book, very intriguing. I told Dan about her. I hope she is at coffee Saturday morning so Dan gets to meet her.

Carole

September 21, 2007

Hi Sally,

Okay so now I am starting to worry. After a two day liquid diet I am still bloated, constipated alternating with diarrhea! Severe cramping, I am so stressed at work. I think I have developed IBS. I am going to Phoenix next week. Aside from getting up to speed faster on this project with the team down there, I am hoping that meeting them will make me feel less vulnerable. I am still feeling like I could get the axe . . . I think it is just my stupid hormones shifting. I never worry like this. I keep getting a real gut wrenching feeling. My stomach literally seems to drop!

Carole

September 23, 2007

Hi Patrick and Tim,

Thanks for dinner last night. We enjoyed it. Sorry I couldn’t eat. I was full after just eating the soup, which was delicious. We’ll have you guys over for dinner when I get back from Phoenix.

Carole

September 24, 2007

Hi Cathy,

On my way to Phoenix! On a stopover in Philly! Thank goodness for my blackberry! Josh will be happy I got him a ton of Eagles stuff for his birthday. Speaking of which, Sonya is having her birthday party Fri night. She invited Brian at the coffee club this morning but he said he is working his night shift that night, so I thought I’d mention it to you in case he forgets to mention it to you.

Have fun at yoga tonight – practice that downward dog!

By the way, I’m glad your wait is over;-) What was it 45 days??? I’ll probably get my period again . . . I think I’d rather be on the not getting my period so much end of this!

Hope to get my stomach sorted out soon – it is starting to cramp my style LOL!

See you later,

Carole

September 25, 2007

Hi Cathy,

We are going to Deb and Rheal’s party on Friday, I forgot. I think Sonya will change her party to another night. How long we stay will depend on my stomach. Yesterday was one of the worse days. Hope today is better.

Email you after my shower! Its only 6:15 with the time change and I am wide-awake. I needed to sleep with a hot water bottle and I am taking Pepto-Bismol and Tylenol . . . At least the temperature is 95 – Phoenix is always nice.

Carole

September 27, 2007

Hi Cathy,

On my way home – in Philly again! I called the Mitel nurse from the airport in Phoenix to see if I should go to the hospital in Phoenix. I decided to get home first . . . saves on all the hassle with insurance and I would feel stupid if this is just IBS.

I’ve been sitting on the tarmac in Philly for an hour and a half. My stomach is dying. I may go to the ER tomorrow. It’s bloated and hard all the time now. Just needed to bitch so I don’t scream!

See you tomorrow,

Carole

September 27, 2007

Hi Dan,

Going on hour 3, on the tarmac!

I was supposed to be home by now. Bad weather on the east coast has caused the delay . . . Some idiot got up and went to the bathroom without checking with the stewardess and we missed our spot in the queue to take off! We now have to go back to the terminal because we ran out of taxiing fuel! Got to go. Need to rebook a flight. I’m going to call from my blackberry while still on the plane. They won’t even rebook us.

Love you, bye.

Carole

September 27, 2007

Hi Hon,

Got a flight but – I don’t have a seat yet. If I don’t get on this flight I may need to go to emergency here in Philly.

Carole

Septembre 27, 2007

Hi Hon,

I am now on my second plane. The asshole from the other plane that got up to go for a pee while we were waiting in line to take off without checking with the stewardess – causing us to lose our spot in line on the runway – causing us to run out of fuel – causing the flight cancellation, is now sitting behind me. He was on standby on this flight, weaseled his way onto this flight ahead of me – when I wasn’t on standby! Now he just told the stewardess he’s diabetic and needs food, got someone to get him food from inside the airport – said to get any sandwich and any drink, which a diabetic wouldn’t do. Such an ass wipe! I just want to yell at him.

Love you,

Carole

September 27, 2007

Hi Hon,

I CANNOT believe this!!! So they accepted about half of my old flight onto this flight. We are all seated. And now they are asking for some passenger, some guy, to get off the flight! Nobody will admit that’s who they are!!! The Stewardess is now checking all the men’s passports – to get the guy off the plane. He doesn’t want to get off. Tim, the guy from work I am travelling with – they asked him to get off . . . even though it isn’t him that they are looking for . . . the guy that was the last in the standby queue. They found the guy and made him get off the plane. Idiot passenger number 2!

Maybe we can leave now!

September 27, 2007

Hi Hon,

You’ll never believe this! After leaving the terminal we had to return again . . . because idiot passenger number 2’s luggage didn’t get taken off!!!!

Will I ever get home :-(

Love you . . .

Carole

September 27, 2007

Hi Hon,

Looks like I won’t land in Ottawa until 2am – I have been on the tarmac since 4pm!!! I can’t even bend over in my cramped seat to pick up my purse. I was going to go to emergency tonight but I guess I will have to go tomorrow. It’s even a little hard to breath now . . . not to bad – just can’t take a deep breath my abdomen is so distended. I started to tear up. The nice French lady beside said Don’t worry we’ll be home soon . . . I just managed to get out It’s not that. I need to go to emergency!

See you at 3am . . .

Love you,

Carole

The Journey Begins

September 28, 2007

I go to the ER. After giving the triage nurse my symptoms, she states that I probably could have waited until Monday for my previously scheduled ultrasound appointment at the clinic. I get in unusually quickly. This is at 10:30 in the morning. I am very uncomfortable and have developed a cough. The nurses keep asking me if I want morphine. It makes me puke, so I decline. Besides, I hate being hazy.

After an initial visit with the doctor and drawing blood, I am told they want to give me a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Although I had just had one two months earlier – this seems like a reasonable course of action.

With Dan at my side, waiting for the test, we discuss the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy – not unfounded considering my knowledge of the adhesions that encase my right fallopian tube that had made pregnancy a miracle of modern science for me. Then it hit. My period. Ah, not a pregnancy, wait, perhaps it still could be, an ectopic pregnancy. Bleeding would still fit that self-diagnosis!

As soon as I saw the ultrasound screen I saw some weird things. (No I am not an ultrasound technician – let me digress, when I was pregnant with twins, I had what is called twin to twin transfusion. In a nutshell, I had an ultrasound twice a week from 3 months into my pregnancy until I gave birth to Josh, a preemie, at 6 months gestation. So I really saw a ton of ultrasounds – at least of my abdomen . . .) So when I saw a tubular shaped shadow . . . I suspected . . . well the first thing I thought was . . . did I take my tampon out? Oh no how embarrassing . . . but I had, so what was this strange shaped thing in my abdomen . . . it all was very strange and the shadows seemed cloudy. Later, I learned that it was fluid in my abdomen and the tube shaped ‘thing’ was a tumor.

Then came a chest X-Ray, considering that breathing deeply had become hard in the last week, it seemed appropriate, which was followed by a CAT scan. This was entirely new to me and unfortunately there was no monitor to peer into my insides . . . my curiosity was overwhelming! I hate having no control . . .

Dan and I decided that he should go pick up our 12 year old son and bring him to the hospital. As I was waiting to see what was next, half clothed and dangerously close to being at the end of my magazine collection, that