I, Tyrannosaurus Rex and Other Stories

I, Tyrannosaurus Rex

1

T he earliest recollection of my life was breaking out of an eggshell. I looked around me. I saw I was in a hole over a foot deep. And I also saw a pile of other eggshells. And I heard cracking sounds coming from inside them.

Not knowing what those noises meant, I quickly scrambled up out of that hole and looked down. And what did I see? More things like me emerging out of those shells. Instinctively, I realized who they were! They were my brothers and sisters! And they were starting to climb out of the hole.

Suddenly, I heard a fierce growling sound not too far away. Sensing danger, I rushed behind a nearby bush and saw an ugly huge creature with a horn on its forehead approaching.

And then I watched in horror and revulsion as that beast devoured all those newborn babies, my brothers and sisters! And after that light meal, what did it do? It walked slowly away, grunting and burping.

What a shocking scene for me, a newborn baby, to see! What kind of world was I born into? I asked myself in dismay. And I had one more question on my mind: Where were my mother and father?

I never did get an answer to that question. But months later, when I saw several animals sink into a muddy pond, I surmised that perhaps that was how my parents ended up-drowned in mud.

So I was an orphan, alone in this very dangerous world. I knew that I had to be careful, ever alert if I didn’t want to end up like my brothers and sisters.

I walked away from my place of birth warily, keeping close to the tall grass or inside the bushes and always gazing around me, my ears open for any growling sounds.

After a few hours, I began to experience this mild gnawing sensation in my stomach. Little did I realize at the time what a dominating role that stomach, or the needs of that stomach, would play in my life.

Anyway, that sensation got stronger and stronger. And then it came to me in a flash! I was hungry! I had to eat. But what did I have to eat? I tried the grass and quickly spit it out. The bushes also were not to my taste.

I glanced around, wondering. What could I eat to satisfy my empty stomach? High up in the air, I saw a flock of birds. No good. They were out of my reach. Sadly I stared down at the ground. And what did I see? I saw small things no more than five or six inches long, scurrying about. As about five of them in a bunch were running in front of me, I brought down my foot and stomped them to death.

And that was how I got my first meal. It was a bit messy and squelchy, but those little critters did fill my stomach.

In the weeks and months that followed, I did a lot of traveling, you might even say sightseeing. I went through heavy forests, long stretches of desert, and miles of grasslands.

That journey was a great education, you might even say a gruesome education. How many times I saw animals chasing animals, catching up with them, and then eating them up alive, even as the prey was bellowing and screaming in agony.

I have to confess that I did my share of hunting when I wasn’t too big and heavy, say, about five or six feet high and weighing four or five hundred pounds.

But because I had witnessed my brothers and sisters getting eaten up alive, I had a streak of compassion, pity in me. The animals I caught, I did not eat them alive. I mercifully killed them by ripping open their throats with my many sharp teeth before eating them.

I had my pride. I did not want to be like all those ferocious meat-eating beasts. I was Tyrannosaurus Rex—the tyrant lizard king!

But I had my dignity to maintain. I was no brutal tyrant. I was a benevolent tyrant! I had to eat to survive. But I was no forest beast, eating living animals. I killed with compassion. Yes, and I did not make a glutton of myself. Even as I was filling my belly, I could see these small four-footed animals prowling around, waiting for me to leave, hoping there was some leftover from me. And there always was!

But a big change came over me as I grew older and bigger.

When I was five or six years old, I was so big and heavy that I could not possibly chase after my prey.

And how big was I? At least twenty feet high, and I’m sure I must have weighed at least seven or eight thousand pounds. And while I’m at it, I might as well give a description of myself.

Inside my oversized head, I had at least fifty teeth, really big teeth, let me tell you. On each side of my head, I had big eyes. I’m sorry to say I had short weak hands with only two fingers. I had two powerful legs to stand on and three toes. And I had a long stout tail. That tail was like a weapon. Many a time when I got in a fight with an animal that wanted me for its dinner, that tail saved my life!

2

In my seventh year, I found a permanent home for myself. It was in a cave, and what I especially liked about it was that it had a stream five feet wide and three or four feet deep running through it. I could drink from it and even bathe in it, sort of. And it had a shelf around fifty feet long with growing grass on it that did nicely for my bed.

But I am sorry to say I did have to chase out of the cave the previous owner, just a small iguanodon. There was really no fight. I swished my tail menacingly, raised my leg high, and let out a loud growl.

The cave had a very high hill above it. I could see for miles around. A short distance from me was a long valley. Some days I would sit on that hill and observe what was going on.

And the sights I saw depressed and disturbed me. All day long, I saw animals chasing animals. Sometimes the predatory ones caught up with their prey. I would hear a horrifying shriek, and then I would watch as that animal was eaten up. There were times when the animals made good their escape, and I was glad for them.

So this was the kind of world I lived in. It was an eat-or-be-eaten world. I must say I did not like it.

But I could not be ruled by my mind. My stomach determined my behavior. However, I was a bit of a paradox, mystery to myself. With my big sharp teeth, I was certainly a carnivore. I was not like those placid plant-eating animals. They had flat teeth to munch on their plants. But we carnivores had teeth made and shaped to rip open and bite into flesh.

So here’s the paradox that puzzled me. The meat-eating creatures I saw were so much smaller than I was. They were no more than six or seven feet high and weighed five hundred pounds or so. They could run fast to catch their prey. But not me! I was too big, too heavy!

When I was good and hungry (which was most of the time), I would keep on the move, looking out for a sick or dying animal.

One day, I was in luck. What a feast I had! I saw not more than a few hundred feet from me one of those huge blubbery plant-eating animals lying on the ground. I went up to it. It was dying for sure.

I stood by its head as it gasped for air. What piteous sounds it made, breaking my heart. I could see how much it was suffering in its death agony.

And so with my great big teeth, I mercifully ripped open the poor thing’s throat and put it out of its misery. I stared down at the dead body. In repose, it looked peaceful.

And then the practical nature in me took over, and I began to eat and eat. And there was so much to eat! Tons of flesh! For hours, I gorged myself, tearing open the meat and swallowing.

As I ate, I started hearing sounds all around me. I looked up. I saw dozens of beasts prowling around, waiting impatiently for me to have my fill and leave.

Finally, I did walk away, very slowly. Was I full! As soon as I left the dead animal, those hungry beasts rushed down and had their dinner.

3

When I was eight years old, I began to have a vague yearning come over me. I could not make out what it was, what it meant.

I found out graphically one day what that powerful surging emotion in me was all about. It was love- or sex, whatever you want to call it.

That marvelous day I was up on my hill. This time I was not seeing animals chasing animals. I saw all kinds of animals having sex! And what a sight it was! I saw a male stegosaurus humping a female stegosaurus dog style. Was he going at it like crazy!

But the most amazing sight of all was to see this massive male brontosaurus giving it to a female. They each must have weighed at least twenty thousand pounds!

And I also saw many other, much smaller animals engaged in the same activity. As I watched, I noticed that the organ that I urinated with was stiff and hard.

Right then and there I made a remarkable discovery. That organ was not only for peeing! It was made to insert it into one of my own kind—a female tyrannosaurus!

So I had to find one. But where? I asked myself.

By good fortune, my answer came to me two days later.

I had been walking for hours, seeing in my mind images of those animals enjoying themselves. And those images sure did get my blood boiling! I was on fire with love, desire, lust, whatever you want to call it! I desperately needed a female of my kind.

And just as I walked out of a dense forest, what do I see a short distance from me? I saw two of my kind, one a male and one a female. How they were nuzzling, cuddling, smooching!

When I got closer, I saw the female was just what I wanted; and at the same time, I stepped on a branch and made a loud sound.

Startled, the two of them stopped their intimacies and stared at me. I stepped up closer and said, Did I disturb you, folks?

You sure as hell did! the male said.

I was glad to see the female was making goo-goo eyes at me.

Sorry, I said.

Okay, now beat it!

Why? I said.

Say who are you?

Perhaps we should introduce ourselves, I suggested.

We don’t want to know you!

Mok, I would like to know the gentleman’s name, the female said in the sweetest voice I ever heard.

Thank you, Ms… .

My name is Glinka. And yours?

I was momentarily stumped. I didn’t have a name. I was born an orphan. I had no name. But I knew who I was.

Ms. Glinka… you can call me TR.

"I know what the T stands for, but what about the R?" the male asked.

I’ll tell you once you’ve given me your name.

Didn’t you hear what Glinka called me, stupid? I’m Mok!

"Mok, I can’t honestly say I’m pleased to meet you. But to answer your question… the R stands for Rex—king!"

King! Mok sneered, laughing. And what makes you think you’re a king, mutt?

Mok, you should not insult TR that way, Glinka said reproachfully. It isn’t nice.

Hey, Glinka, don’t tell me you you’re falling for him!

And now she looked into my eyes, and I stared right back at Glinka. Right off, something clicked in my mind. And I could see it was the same with Glinka. I was sure it had to be only one thing—love at first sight.

But what would Mok have to say about it? I wondered.

Hey, you two, stop eyeing each other that way! Mok shouted angrily. I don’t like it!

So you don’t like it, I said. So what?

So this! Mok cried fiercely. And he came charging at me with his arms thrown out.

I took one step back, turned swiftly around, and whacked Mok twice across his face with my mighty tail. Those blows knocked him to the ground. He gazed up at me, dazed, his eyes blinking. When Mok tried to stagger to his feet, I gave him a vigorous kick in the head. That knocked him out cold.

Turning to Glinka, I declared, Glinka, I love you and am taking you to my home. What do you say?

I say you are truly TR, and I love you! Yes, take me to your home and… and—

Make love to you, my darling!

4

No, sad to say, we did not live happily ever after. My life of married bliss did not last long.

Only days after Glinka dropped eight eggs in a hole, she complained of pains in her chest. She did not have the strength to stand up. Most of the time she spent lying down. I brought to her meat I got from a dead animal. But Glinka had no appetite.

What a hard time that was for me, caring for Glinka as she got weaker and weaker and watching over the eggs to see that no predators ate them. My cave became a place of misery for me.

And then one morning, when I went to wake up Glinka, I was not surprised to find her stone dead. I sobbed a long time over her body.

After an hour or so, I remembered the eggs. I always checked on them ever morning. The hole was way over on the other side of the cave.

As I approached the hole, I was shocked to see an animal bending down over it. Once it raised its head with an egg in its mouth. I recognized the animal. It was an allosaurus!

When the beast saw me rushing up to it, it swallowed the egg and then let out a screech of fright. That was the last sound it made. In less than a minute, I had bitten off its head.

And then, kicking it aside, I looked down at the hole. I was appalled to see that it was empty! That allosaurus had robbed me of my babies! I would never be a father! Never experience the joy and thrill of holding in my arms a son, a daughter.

Did anyone ever have inflicted on him such tragedy in one day? In one day, I had lost my darling Glinka and all my babies!

I went outside the cave and brooded mournfully for hours. I was sure of one thing. Out of my passionate love for Glinka, I vowed that I would never have another wife, no, never.

Yes, Glinka, I cried out loud, I swear to you I will remain single for the rest of my life! No one will ever take your place in my heart!

But no matter how much I was grieving bitterly, my stomach started making grumbling sounds. I had to eat. I returned to the cave and ate the allosaurus, but not with much pleasure, only for the sake of my belly.

And now I knew I had a job to do. I had to bury Glinka’s body.

In a corner of my cave, there was a crack in the ground that ran for fifty feet or so and was at least sixty feet deep.

That would be Glinka’s grave.

What a tough time I had shoving Glinka’s body across the cave to that crack. Before pushing her into it, I gave my darling one last loving kiss.

Of course, I wasn’t going to leave her body like that, exposed so that some animal could eat it. Certainly not! It took me many trips outside the cave to carry big rocks to the crack in the cave. I must have dropped at least thirty great big rocks down on Glinka’s body to protect it from any hungry beast. Now she would lie unmolested, uneaten.

5

The death of Glinka wrought a great change in me. There were times when I suffered deep anguish over the death of my beloved. Life seemed so bleak without her. I felt so chillingly alone in the world without the love of Glinka. Yes, and I must confess I did sometimes have a roaring desire for sex! Some nights in my cave, how I burned with lust, raw lust. I was even tempted so very strongly to go out and find an outlet for my sexual needs.

But I would think of Glinka and beat down my lust. I would remain faithful to Glinka. No one could ever take her place, never!

But the great change in me involved more than grieving over my darling. This was different. I did not do much traveling as I had done in the past. I stayed close to my cave. I became pensive, thoughtful about a lot of things…

As I would sit outside my cave, high up above the valley, I would see every day the things that went on below… all that killing followed by eating.

Why? I kept asking myself. Is that what life was all about?

Killing and eating? What did it all mean?

One day, musing in that vague cogitating way, I saw down below me an animal backing up against a tree and trying frantically to fight off an attacking beast.

Damn the everlasting killing! I thought in a rage. This one I was going to stop! Rushing down to the valley, I saw right away that the animal under attack was a plant eater by the shape of its teeth. Of course, the attacker had long, sharp teeth. A meat eater!

Soon as I reached them, I shouted in a commanding voice, Stop! You are not going to kill that animal!

Turning around, the meat eater barked angrily back at me, Butt out! I’m going to kill it and make it my dinner! And nobody is going to stop me!

That is where you are wrong! I said, and turning around, I lashed out with my tail and hit the attacker such a blow he howled in pain and ran away.

Thank you! the plant eater said gratefully. You saved my life!

And I was glad to do it. Say, you got a nasty gash on your side.

Yes, that creature did get in one savage bite.

Uh… my name is TR. What’s yours?

Minka.

Minka! Why, you’re a… female.

I certainly am.

Let’s get up to my cave. I want to tend to your wound. I have a stream in it. Do you feel strong enough to follow me?

Yes, I’m all right, TR.

Once in the cave, I had Minka lie on her side. I broke off a thick bush outside my cave, soaked it in the stream, and bathed that bloody bite on Minka’s side.

I went back outside again and gathered ten or fifteen pounds of broad leaves and carried them to Minka. After eating ravenously, Minka lay back with a sigh and fell asleep with her legs wide open.

I stared bug eyed at Minka’s alluring cleft. What a dazzling sight it was! It was slightly parted and moist. I tried so very hard to take my eyes off that tempting sight. I even closed my eyes. But I opened them right away.

Suddenly, I felt my organ stand out rigidly. The swollen tip seemed to be on fire. I tried with all my might to fight my raging lust! But this was more than flesh and blood could take! Wildly, impulsively, I mounted Minka and shoved my organ deep, so very deep into Minka.

Sighing pleasurably and opening her eyes, she groaned, Yes, yes, TR, deeper, deeper! Never stop, never stop!

But after fifteen minutes, I had to stop, thoroughly sated and completely exhausted. I lay quietly on Minka a little while longer. When I finally got up and stood, looking down at her, I murmured, Minka, forgive me. I lost my head. I practically raped you. You were sleeping when I…

TR, you have nothing to apologize for. That was the best sexual romp I ever had, even better than with my partner.

Minka, you are…

Yes, and I’m a mother with four boys and three girls. And a loving husband. We are a very happy family. And I must be getting back to them, or they will start to worry.

Minka, you are in no condition to travel. Wait until that gash in your side heals, and then you can return to your family. Is your home very far?

About three miles. Yes, I’ll follow your advice, TR. I’ll leave in a few days. But… TR… no more sex. What happened between us before was… spontaneous. But we must not let it happen again. I am a mother… with a husband. I hope you understand.

Regretfully, I replied, Yes, Minka, I understand.

And to make sure, TR, I think you should sleep on the other side of the cave.

6

Days after Minka left me, I had a difficult time falling asleep. My mind was in a torment with conflicting emotions. Even in my sleep I tossed and turned, voraciously lusting after Minka’s body! But there was another emotion that caused me so much anguish. I had had sex with Minka! I had betrayed Glinka! Yes, I know she was dead. But my love for her was still very much alive! I could not help feeling guilty, remorseful. I had been unfaithful to the memory of my adorable Glinka!

But even with those bitter pangs of remorse, in spite of myself, I could not stop thinking. Damn it, what a great piece of ass Minka was!

7

How swiftly the years went by. I got older, moved around more slowly. Some days I would walk for miles, hoping to find some dead or dying animal.

Once, as I drank from a stream, I saw my reflection in the water. I noticed the deep creases in my face, the hazy look in my eyes. I was old! I told myself. How long did I have to live?

How many times I returned to my cave with an empty stomach and a troubled mind. I would sit outside my cave and observe the killing and the eating that went on down in the valley.

Why was it so? I asked myself.

Suddenly, a colossal thought popped into my head. Was there someone responsible for this brutal world—a maker of it all?

But what kind of mind did this maker… creator have to create such a world in which animals ate animals alive? Why must there be such cruel death and suffering?

Was this the only world that the maker made? Was there another, better world beyond this hideous, rotten world of violence and death?

One more big thought came to me. Was this the only life for me? Would I have an afterlife? Did I have something… a spirit in me that would survive the death of my body? How I hoped so, how I hoped so!

To all my questions, I could not figure out a satisfactory answer. You could go on speculating hopefully until your brains wore out, and you would still be stuck with a towering, baffling mystery—the mystery of life.

Well, I thought to myself, if there is a new and better life waiting for me in that spirit world, I’ll take it and enjoy it.

And if there isn’t and death is the end of TR, how could I be disappointed? I won’t know it. I’ll be dead!

The Birth of Jesus

T he horse-drawn cart stopped at the fourth house inside Bethlehem. Sitting on the driver’s seat was Akiba. Behind him in the cart were Joseph and his pregnant wife, Mary. It was nighttime.

Joseph and Akiba were neighbors and good friends in their village of Nazareth. When the order for the census came from the Romans, Joseph and Akiba prepared to return to Bethlehem, the town of their birth.

But for Joseph, that presented a problem. He had no means of transportation to get him and his wife to Bethlehem, no horse or even a donkey. And Mary was far gone in her pregnancy.

Fortunately, Akiba did have a horse and cart. He offered to take both Joseph and Mary up to Bethlehem. Akiba was leaving his wife and children in Nazareth.

It had not been an easy journey for Mary in her condition. The road was rough and stony. The jolting and bouncing cart gave her much discomfort. Joseph kept one arm around his wife, holding her hand.

When Akiba stopped at that house in Bethlehem, he said, Joseph, this is as far as I go. This is my brother’s house. I’d invite you and Mary in, but I’m sure Joses has no room for you two. He had nine children!

But where can we find lodging, Akiba, me and my wife? Joseph asked, looking very worried.

There is one inn here in Bethlehem. Try it. You might be lucky.

Where is it?

It’s only a few hundred feet down this road. It’s the house with a big oil lamp over the front door.

Okay, I’ll try it. When are you returning to Nazareth?

I think I’ll spend five days with my brother. I haven’t seen him in a long time. So… be ready to leave five days from today.

I hope Mary has the baby in a day or two. And then… we’ll see. Akiba, thanks for the lift.

Joseph helped Mary gently off the cart, and they started walking slowly down the dirt road. Akiba watched them for a moment, and then he knocked on the door of his brother’s house.

As they walked, Joseph said, Mary, how do you feel?

Like a very pregnant woman, she replied peevishly. What a question to ask me! You really want to know how I feel?

Uh… yes.

Like I’m ready to burst! How I wish I could lie down!

I hope that inn has a room for us.

But the innkeeper, standing in the doorway, laughed at Joseph’s inquiry and gruffly informed him that there was no room for them at the inn.

I got people sleeping three in a bed and a dozen more sleeping on the floor! Sorry, I can’t accommodate you! he ended harshly.

But my wife is pregnant! Joseph pleaded. She may give birth at any time! Please, sir, can’t you do something for us?

The innkeeper’s face softened in sympathy. He glanced over Joseph’s shoulder at Mary standing behind him with head bowed. Heaving a long sigh, he said, Well, mister… I have a barn behind this inn where I keep some animals… The place is kind of dumpy, but if you and your wife don’t mind…

A hart for us to live in! Mary complained loudly. Living with animals! Can’t you do better than that?

Sorry, lady, that’s the best I can do. You can take the barn or the open field outside Bethlehem. At least you’ll have shelter, a roof over your heads.

You are treating us like animals! Mary declared, outraged.

Take it or leave it! the innkeeper said, very much upset.

Ah… please forgive my wife, sir. Try to understand… her condition.

Okay, okay. And I’m not going to charge you anything. And I’ll even throw in some food and a wineskin. But a small one!

Thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, sir, Joseph said very gratefully.

Follow me, the innkeeper said, going around the back of the inn, with Joseph and Mary following behind him. After walking about a hundred feet, they came to a dilapidated square building leaning to one side. The two doors hung askew from the loose hinges.

As they came up to it, Mary cried out, What an awful stench!

What did you expect? the innkeeper said, annoyed. It is a barn! He led Joseph and Mary inside. Two goats, three sheep, one donkey, and a cow were feeding in two corners of the barn.

Holding her fingers to her nose, Mary said, My goodness, you can hardly breathe! What a stink! Do those animals crap right here in the barn!

I’ll have one of my boys shovel it out right away, the innkeeper said. And then I’ll have the food and wine brought to you. And he left.

Joseph glanced at his wife. He could see she was fuming mad.

Mary, he said, I’m sorry about this.

You’re sorry and I’m angry! Joseph, do you realize that I could be giving birth in this stinking place?

Do you feel any pains coming on?

Some slight pains, but whether they are birth pains, I don’t know, Mary said sullenly. I thought that horrible ride in that cart from Nazareth to Bethlehem was bad enough, but this!

Mary, it will only be for a few days. Yes, I admit the ride here was tough. But in some ways, seeing those damn heathen Roman soldiers on the road made me want to throw up! How I wish we could drive those pagans out of our holy land! And we will one day!

Joseph, what are you saying? How will we be rid of the Romans? There are so many of those soldiers profaning our land by their rotten presence.

Mary, I’m disappointed in you! Joseph said, much astonished. Have you forgotten our great religious hope—the Messiah! Our liberator! Yes, when the Messiah appears, he will rid us of these filthy pagans!"

Yes, Joseph, I believe as you do. But…

But what, Mary?

We Jews have been waiting so many years for the Messiah to appear…

Mary, you must have faith, ardent faith! He could be born any day now! And… and… Mary, I just had a wonderful, marvelous thought pop into my head!

What thought, Joseph?

Patting Mary’s swollen belly, Joseph solemnly and grandly proclaimed, Mary, my beloved wife… you could be carrying the Messiah in that great big belly of yours!

Me! Mary exclaimed, astounded. But… Joseph, could it be possible that our God… Yahweh, chose me to give birth to that holy baby… who will grow up to be the Messiah and—

"And start his sacred mission to banish the Romans from the land Yahweh gave us!

Joseph, are you serious? Mary asked, smiling for the first time since they left Nazareth, all the grouchiness and grumpiness leaving her. As she thought about what Joseph said, Mary was filled with a soaring joyful pride. Of all the Jewish maidens in Palestine, Yahweh had chosen her to give birth to the Messiah, the future deliverer and liberator!

An hour later, when they were having the meager meal sent in by the innkeeper, Mary suddenly let out a loud yelp.

Mary, is this it? Joseph said, showing his concern.

Yes, yes! Run to the inn! See if there’s a woman who knows about births! A midwife!

Joseph ran out of the barn. In two minutes, he was back with a middle-aged woman. He name was Beulah.

The first thing she said when she saw Mary lying on a pile of straw with her hands to her belly and moaning was Mister, do you have five shekels? I don’t work for nothing.

Yes, yes, Joseph said frantically. Help my wife!

You run back to the inn and bring back plenty of hot water!

When Joseph returned with a large pan of steaming water, he saw Mary writhing in agony on the pile of straw and Beulah bending over her.

Placing the pan beside them, Joseph said anxiously, Is there anything I can do?

You’ve done enough already getting your wife in this condition! Beulah said. Now there’s only one thing you can do!

What’s that?

Get out of here! This is woman’s work!

As Joseph walked out of the barn, Mary was screaming, Joseph, the pain, the pain!

For a long time, Joseph paced restlessly up and down outside the barn, hearing his wife shrieking in agony. A few times, the howling and screaming of Mary made him put his fingers to his ears, even shudder a little.

It seemed to Joseph that Mary would never stop screaming when suddenly, she stopped, and all was silent. Joseph stopped his pacing and waited in front of the door, hoping Beulah would come out and tell him something.

After five minutes, Beulah opened the door and beckoned him to enter. Before he did, she said, Mister, you owe me five shekels.

Joseph opened the pouch tied to his belt and counted out the money. After examining the coins carefully, Beulah said, Fine, fine, and walked away.

Joseph entered the barn. By the light of the oil lamp in the ceiling, he saw Mary half sitting up, leaning against a bale of hay. The infant was cradled in her arms. Joseph was almost afraid to approach his wife. When he was standing over Mary, he saw her lips were tightly closed, a mean, angry expression on her face.

Seeing the baby, Joseph was filled with great joy, dropping to his knees, tears filling his eyes. Reaching out to touch the baby with one finger, he exclaimed happily, Our firstborn!

And our last born! Mary declared sternly.

Mary, what are you saying? Joseph asked in amazement. Aren’t you happy that we have a… say, is it a boy?

Yes, it’s a boy! she answered sharply.

A boy, a boy! Mary, you may be holding in your arms the Holy One—the Messiah!

Joseph, you are a besotted fool! Messiah, indeed! That is all your fanciful nonsense!

Mary, it could be, you never know! But why did you say our last born? I was hoping that the next one would be a girl!

Joseph, you are out of your skull if you think I’m going to go through that hellish agony of giving birth again!

Mary, you can’t be serious! Are you going to deny me my marital rights?

All I’m saying is that you are not going to knock me up again! And I swear to you that is final!

But when the desire… the urge comes on me, what am I to do? And don’t you dare suggest that I use my hand! I’m a grown man, and I will not abuse myself!

Joseph, you could go to that house outside Nazareth that is run by that Greek from the Decapolis. He has those Greek girls…

Mary, I will not go to that whorehouse! Yes, I know some of the married men of Nazareth go there for a little variety now and then. And also some of our young men who can’t wait to get married. But those slimy sluts are now for me, no, sir! I’m a good and devout Jew! And I demand that I have sex with my wife whenever I want it!

Joseph, I swear that the only way you’ll have me is by raping me! I will use my teeth and my nails to fight you off! You have positively fucked me for the last time!

After standing up and looking down at his wife, Joseph suddenly smiled and said, Mary, how about a compromise?

What sort of compromise? she asked warily.

If I promise to pull out before I come, shoot my load, will you let me fuck you?

Smiling brightly, Mary said, You got a deal! I do enjoy so much to get fucked by my darling husband!

The Big Penis

1

L ou Bartel sat in the pew long after Mass was over, contemplating doing what he was thinking of doing. But to ask the Blessed Virgin to perform such a miracle for his sake! The Mother of God! The Ever-virgin Mother! Would she think the prayerful request was… indecent? Erotically blasphemous? Could he actually go to the Virgin Mary and ask her to confer this blessing on him?

But maybe she would, even though the nature of the miracle he was asking her to perform might be considered out of her line. Yes, Catholics prayed to her to cure an illness. To help them with a drinking problem. About money matters. Yes, Lou had heard about Catholic girls praying to the Virgin Mary to bring a man into their lives… a husband. Yes, Catholics prayed to her for all kinds of things.

But the thing he was thinking of asking her to do for him!

But why not? Mary, the true mother of us all, was full of compassion for her children. She had the greatest heart in the world. She did not enjoy seeing her children suffer.

And how he had suffered all these years! He was a man, twenty-nine years old, and yet not fully a man! He was deprived of the true symbol of genuine manhood—a man-sized penis!

He was a mature man, six feet tall, with a muscular body from working out in a health club three or four times a week, broad shouldered, and a pretty, good-looking face.

But how disappointed the girls were those few times he stood before them naked. He could still hear their howling, mocking laughter as they gathered up their clothes and rushed out of the hotel room.

The last humiliating incident had occurred when Lou was twenty-four years old. Only twice in the past had a woman consented to have intercourse with him and his inch-long penis. He enjoyed the sex, but the girls huffed that they got nothing out of it. They didn’t feel a thing!

For years now, Lou had been celibate. The only sex he had was with his hand once a week. And of course, he was always full of remorse when it was over, hating himself for acting like a teenager and wishing so much that he had the real thing—what a may had between his legs.

The incident that made Lou finally decide to ask for Mary’s help was the conversation he had at an office party to celebrate a merger with another stock-brokerage house.

Things certainly got out of hand at that party. Men and women were disappearing into offices down the hall; there was hugging and kissing all over the place and lots of drinking going on.

Lou got himself slightly tipsy, and before he knew what was happening, this girl, Celia, had dragged him into a closet with a tiny lightbulb overhead. She was just as drunk as Lou.

It was so long since Lou had held a woman in his arms. God, it felt so good! Celia had some body—so warm, so soft, so desirable! She kept pressing herself up against him as they tongued like mad.

But after ten minutes of feeling each other up, Celia backed away from Lou and said, Come on, big boy! What the frigging hell is holding you up! My panties are soaking wet! I’m going to pull them off! And you get going, drop your pants and shorts and let’s have some real action!

But Celia was stunned stiff when she heard Lou say bluntly and curtly, No, Celia, no.

What the goddamn hell are you saying?

I’m saying no to…

Why the hell not? It’s yours for the taking! And I’m dripping wet down there and raring to go! So shove it into me, right here up against the wall! I’ll wrap my legs around your hips!

What agony of frustrated lust Lou was enduring! Sure he wanted Celia! Sure he wanted to do it with her! How he wanted to enjoy that luscious body!

But what would Celia say when she saw that this handsome, broad shouldered six footer had an infantile penis? What would she say? She would laugh scornfully and run out of the room. And who knows, she might even tell everyone in the office that Lou Bartel, that great big hunk of man, had a pathetically diminutive penis.

Lou was thinking fast. How was he to get out of this predicament without hurting his reputation? Somehow, the rumor got started around the office that Lou, with his good looks, was a Casanova, a lothario.

Come on, Lou, what’s holding you up? Everybody in the office knows what a great lover you are! And I want to find out how good you really are!

Celia, I said no!

Hey, what the hell’s going on here? Is there anything wrong with me? Look at these boobs, these hips! And I guarantee you that you’ll find me tighter than a vice, and I know how to use my muscles down there! You’re in for a real honey of a treat!

Let’s go back to the party!

Go back to the stupid party after you get me all worked up?

Well, you can stay here. I’m leaving, Lou said, about to walk out the door.

Celia spun him around and said, Say, are you queer, Lou? Me and my lousy luck! So many homos around these days, a girl can’t even get laid! Is that what you are, Lou, one of those perverts, you like to suck it, take it up your stinking ass?

Lou was not going to let Celia think that he was gay. He had to think of some way to explain to her why he could not have sexual relations with her. An idea came to him.

Well… I might as well tell you…

Tell me what, Lou?

I’m… sick down there.

Sick?

I’m being treated for syphilis. A little while ago, I was careless with a young girl, and now I’m paying for it. I don’t want to pass the disease on to you, Celia.

Shit and double shit! Between homos and diseased men, a girl in this town can’t get decently laid! I should’ve dragged Lionel in here. He’s married with kids, and I’m sure he’s not syphed up!

He was fortunate to get out of that situation with that story, Lou thought, his eyes on the chapel of the Virgin Mary down at the end of the aisle.

Lou still was not sure it was the right and proper thing to do, to ask the Blessed Mother to give him a man-sized penis. He thought how he observed with envious longing those big penises in the health club in the shower room. Some of them came almost halfway down the thighs.

The sight of them filled Lou with