Design: An Owner’S Manual for Learning, Living, and Leading with Purpose

Copyright © 2017 Anthony J. Marchese, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Sweet Darkness reproduced by permission from the author, David Whyte, The House of Belonging (Langley, WA: Many Rivers Press, 1997), 23.

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying reproduced by permission from the author, Charles C. Finn, Please Hear What I’m not Saying: A Poem’s Reach Around the World (Bloomington, IN: Author House, 2011), 4-6; written in September 1966.

Cover image by Royce Stanley Dunn. Used by permission.

ISBN: 978-1-5127-7516-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-7517-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-7515-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017901809

WestBow Press rev. date: 2/23/2017

Contents

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

A Little About Me

A Lot About You

How to Use This Book

Chapter One: Learning by Design

Recovering Wonder

The Door

The Nothing

Always Make Time to Play

The Next Dimension

Schooling: Cultivating or Constricting Design?

A Different Kind of Saturday Morning

Postsecondary Learning

A Lifetime of Wonderful Learning

Chapter Two: Living by Design

Living by Design

Kameel: A Man from Nazareth

Entelechies: The Creative Fingerprints of God

Birthright Gifts

A Special Reunion: Dad

Discovering and Developing My Design

Dreamstealers

Dreamstarters

Redefining Our Worldview

Chapter Three: Leading by Design

The Ascent Toward Authenticity

Introspection

Leading Naked: The Costly Consequences of Solipsism

Leader: Know and Control Thyself

Integration

Intervention

Orientation Is Everything

Preventing Burnout

It’s How We Do the Job

Person-Job-Fit Matters

Toward Optimal Functioning: Flow

Chapter Four: Deciphering Your Design—The Personal Owner’s Manual

The Personal Owner’s Manual Retreat

Developing Your Personal Owner’s Manual

Section One: Overview: Who I am and Why I am Here

Section Two: Distinguishing Features

Section Three: Requirements for Optimal Functioning

Section Four: Precautions

Section Five: Support

Appendix A: Full Transcript of Author’s Conversation with Kameel Srouji

Appendix B: Glossary

Bibliography

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my parents, Tony and Michele Marchese:

Mom, by encouraging me to wonder, you granted me an incredible gift.

Dad, you showed me it’s never too late to live your dreams.

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired

the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone

no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark

where the night has eyes

to recognize its own.

There you can be sure

you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb

tonight.

The night will give you a horizon

further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:

the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds

except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet

confinement of your aloneness

to learn

anything or anyone

that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

—David Whyte

Foreword

"Design is the application of intent—the opposite of happenstance, and the antidote to accident." Robert Peters

Design is the conscious effort to impose a meaningful order. Victor Papanek

With this book, Tony Marchese has hit a home run—not in the crowded self-help genre, but in the less-appreciated realm of self-knowledge. He shows how shining a light on our true selves enables us to find hidden treasures, bring forth our best gifts, and make them part of our daily lives. Let me explain why I think Tony’s simple, heartfelt approach to gaining self-knowledge is so important to individuals and to society.

I have been a teacher, consultant, board member, and community leader for more than fifty years. During that time, I have interacted with people of all ages, from all walks of life—children and youth, graduate students, pastors, business CEOs, staff members at nonprofit agencies, and community leaders. Often my role is to help these individuals develop strategies to improve the organizations and communities they serve. I’ve seen people make tremendous progress and do amazing things. The process is always faster and smoother when I’m working with leaders who are already aware of their strengths.

Many books extol the virtues of leaders getting to know themselves in order to be effective, and I think they are on the right track. Most of those books, however, don’t offer a straightforward process for plumbing the depths and applying that new knowledge in practical ways. This book does. For so many people, this is the missing element needed to make a meaningful and lasting difference. In the pages that follow, Tony shares his own journey toward living a life true to his own design, and guides readers through a highly personal process they can use to do the same.

When Tony talks about design, he doesn’t mean a life design that someone else imposes on you, or one you impose on yourself. In his view, the collection of abilities, traits, and preferences that make you unique (Design with a capital D) is already there, buried inside you. Your mission, like Dorothy’s in The Wizard of Oz, is to find your way home—to yourself, and to the life you are perfectly designed to live.

If you’re a leader (and everyone is, formally or informally, as a teacher, parent, pastor, coach, consultant, CEO, or in some other role), do yourself and those you lead a favor: Read this book, and go through the process Tony shares in the last chapter to discover your own Design. If you’ve had some leadership success, but find yourself falling short of truly making a difference, the self-knowledge you gain can help you bridge the gap.

Now is the time to discover your Design, so that you can use that knowledge to help others understand and reach their own potential. Imagine what might happen if we unlocked the best within us, and put it to work in our schools, churches, businesses, and communities. This is going to be exciting!

Douglas J. Walters, President

Transformation Specialists, LP

Acknowledgments

Writing a book about self-discovery is an act of transparency. When I started, the thought of sharing my thoughts and personal experiences on paper filled me with trepidation. Would readers find it interesting and helpful, as I hoped? Or would they consider it self-indulgent? As I recorded my stories of triumph and tragedy, however, a strange thing happened. These worries were replaced with feelings of gratitude and wonder as I recognized the enormous contributions others had made to my life, for better or worse.

The discoveries shared in this book would not have been possible without people whose words and actions affirmed my potential to climb even the highest mountain peaks to make a positive contribution to this world. A surprising discovery I made while writing was that people whose crippling words thrust me into the loneliest of valleys also played a significant role.

To both parties, I say Thank you.

Why thank both parties? Because challenges as well as triumphs gave me the motivation and fortitude to explore the Big Questions about human purposefulness. Design is my humble attempt to synthesize twenty years’ worth of musings—previously shared through college lectures, published journal articles, sermon notes, motivational talks, and creative writing—into a short, actionable framework for introspection, epiphany, and meaningful change. Should only one person find his or her life richer because of this work, I will consider my efforts immensely successful.

I would like to especially thank the following individuals for their exceptional contributions:

Carla McClure—I have long been an admirer of your ability to communicate the written word effectively. I am most grateful and humbled that you were willing to serve as my Editor in Chief.

Doug Walters, Travis Cooper, and Phillip McClure—Thank you for reading and rereading my manuscript. Your impressions and suggestions were carefully considered and are reflected throughout its pages.

Dr. Kimberly Hambrick—Thank you so much for your advocacy for this project. I hope it touches the lives of many.

Kimberly Cook—Your words of encouragement mean a great deal. You did a great job transcribing my lengthy interview.

Royce Stanley Dunn—Your painting, Tree of Life, Pearls of Wisdom, perfectly illustrates the colorful tapestry of human potential, nurtured by a rich inner life.

Anthony J. Marchese, Ph.D.

November 15, 2016

Introduction

It was 3 a.m. when thirst woke me from a sound sleep and compelled me into the kitchen for a long drink of cool water. Too many slices of salty pizza for dinner, I guess. As I put down my empty glass, something on the kitchen table caught my eye: the owner’s manual for my new cell phone. Still half asleep, I picked it up and thumbed through it. Almost all products are sold with instructions, I mused, but most people don’t read them unless they absolutely have to in order to make something work.

This thought was quickly followed by another: What if each person came with an owner’s manual, based on his or her design features? What information would my manual contain? What would be different about my life if I lived it according to a set of instructions based on my individual design?

I flipped to the table of contents and noticed that the instruction manual for my phone was divided into five sections—Overview, Distinguishing Features, Requirements for Optimal Functioning, Precautions, and Support. My semiconscious mind was connecting dots and pondering possibilities. What if I had a personal owner’s manual with these sections, filled with information customized to my make and model, so to speak?

These late-night/early morning thoughts were so strangely stimulating that I ruled out sleep and made myself a cup of coffee. If the section titles pertained to a person instead of a phone, what would they be like? I grabbed a notepad and jotted down ideas as they flowed into my mind:

1. Who I Am and Why I’m Here (Overview)

2. My Unique Attributes—The Things that Make Me, Me (Distinguishing Features)

3. What I Need to Be at My Best (Requirements for Optimal Functioning)

4. How I Can Prevent Harm to Myself or Others (Precautions)

5. Who I Can Turn To When I’m Not at My Best, or Need a Boost (Support)

Imagine having access to this kind of highly personalized information. Now, that would be a manual worth reading! Personally and professionally, it would affect the way I learn, the way I live, and the way I lead.

I glanced at the clock: It was 3:45 a.m., and I was fully awake. At the top of the page, I wrote Book Idea. Under that, I wrote Design: Developing Your Personal Owner’s Manual.

Apparently, instead of sleeping, I was going to start writing a book.

A Little About Me

I consider myself a fortunate man. For more than twenty years, I’ve lived a life devoted to learning and leading.

From the time I was a child, I’ve had an insatiable hunger for knowledge. I fed this hunger by pursuing formal academic studies in a variety of disciplines, including theology, philosophy, law, organizational leadership, and positive psychology. During my doctoral studies, my dissertation committee allowed me to address key questions through an integrated or interdisciplinary lens of inquiry. This approach helped me create an