Tantrum Remedy for Parents

The Introduction to Choices

Within minutes you will have a skill that gets instant cooperation without the resentment.

This skill unlocks the power dynamics and gets children focused on what they can do instead of intent on resisting you.

And then in the resource section, watch a parent share her story of how she used this skill to get cooperation

Whenever someone makes a choice, they self-determine a part of their life so feeling more empowered.

When giving someone a choice, they spend more time on choosing than on resisting your boundary.

When giving a choice you are focusing their brain onto moving into action of those choices.

When someone makes a choice, they feel a degree of autonomy which supports them 'saving face' and keeping their pride and dignity intact.

All your choices need to be empowering for you and for them, avoiding ultimatums.

The biggest take way from this skill is that your children will also feel that you are trying to make this work for them, and not just be the bossy parent getting what you need (with no consideration for what your children are wanting).

Perhaps one of the greatest challenges any parent faces at some points are how to get their children to cooperate with them. Have you found that there are times that you spend a lot of time and energy in getting your children to cooperate with you?

"Have you also noticed that there are times that no matter how nicely you ask your children to do something, no matter how polite you are, they still seem to dig in their heels and say 'No!'?

What would it be like for you to feel you are working together as a family and that there is actual teamwork happening?

Maybe for you, you really would like cooperation in the smaller day to day things like: Your teenager does not want to keep her room clean. Getting your children up and dressed in the morning. Getting them to practice their musical instruments and lessons.

Getting their cooperation in doing the household chores, or maybe for you it's in the bigger vision with behavioral changes: Working together as a family. Diffusing the power struggles. Making them feel empowered. And even managing jealousy and sibling rivalry. Getting children to cooperate is more about power dynamics than about the right or wrongness of a situation.

When a parent needs their child to do something, they often just tell their child what to do. This is a very AUTHORITARIAN approach to parenting where commands are more present, and obedience is the desired result. But children then often resist this as they don't really like to be told what to do. It makes them feel like they are not in control of their own lives, and they end up resisting and resenting their parent's power more than the task they are asked to complete. Understanding this power dynamic allows you to gain the insight into resolving these challenging situations with ease and confidence.

At the same time, as parents, you need for things to get done, supper to be eaten, homework to be completed, and fighting to stop. And this is one of the roles you as a parent have to play. In being the parent, you have a default authority over your children due to you being older, bigger, and having more life experience.

But being authoritative doesn't mean you have to be authoritarian. There are a wide range of respectful skills that can support you to get your children to cooperate with you. Even though you are ultimately the authority and the 'boss', you can still get your children to cooperate with you while they remain feeling respected loved and valued.

So, the real magic trick here is to do both, at the same time. The skill set I will be sharing with you next cleverly unlocks the power dynamics that cause so much resentment and rebelliousness while leaving your children feeling empowered and valued. By the end of this section, you will be able to pinpoint your default techniques you are using to get your children to cooperate with you, and then master emotionally intelligent alternatives to be used in their place.

Setting the Boundary and Giving Two Empowering Choices

This quick lecture supports you in exploring the skills, instead of just passively listening.

People experience two main barriers to learning new skills:

This doesn't apply to my situation

I know this already

How to make sure you get breakthrough after breakthrough.

For some parents, the focus is on the 'content' of the skill.

But for many others, the search for the depth of these skills create a deeper understanding of WHY the skill works, and they can therefore adapt it to any situation they find themselves in.

What may seem like such a simple skill actually conveys your value system, your attitude, and your understanding of what works for your child.

The most common review I get from parents who take my courses is that they wish they could have spent more time in seeing how to make the skills work, than on trying to prove to me why they won't work in their situation.

Be open to seeing how to adapt and apply it than dismiss these as 'simple' or 'doesn't apply to me'

This next skill on how to invite cooperation is one that I use many times in each and every day. In fact, my daughter Sarah is so familiar with it, she even uses it on her friends, and also back on us (And even though I know what she is doing.... it still works on me because it's an empowering skill).

It's what I call, Setting the boundary, and giving two empowering choices within that boundary. Honey its bath time now (there's the boundary). Would you like some blue bubbles or red bubbles? Jason, time to get dressed now. Would you like your blue pants or your brown pants today? Melissa. The household chores need to be finished by the end of the day. Would you prefer to do them this morning, or perhaps later on this afternoon after lunch?

And here is why this is such a clever skill and works in nearly all situations: Whenever any person is offered a choice, they experience a certain degree of autonomy. If you are offered a choice, you are given the opportunity to make a decision that directly impacts you and your life. No matter how small the choice is, it is still a liberating feeling opposed to being restricted to do the thing that you have to do. In making a choice, a child asserts their own will on the situation. They choose the one way opposed to the other. In making a choice, they feel more empowered. Therefore, they spend more time and energy on deciding what they want, opposed to fighting with you about it.

I want to say that again because this is where the magic lies.... they spend more time and energy on deciding WHAT to choose instead of fighting you about the boundary in the first place. When a child is told what to do, they feel backed into a corner and if they agree to do what you told them, then at that time it can feel like they are losing face or giving in to you. The moment they also have the power to decide on something, it is as though they can retain their pride by still doing what they want to do, even if it is still within the boundary that you set.

The most important thing about giving choices is to see that this is not about giving a choice on whether