A Cry for Help

MY INNER THOUGHTS

This book is a letter to those who are struggling with depression. May this book give you a sense of hope and encouragement as you slowly witness your scars turn into a point source of a lifetime of maturing in thoughts. As for those who are not struggling with depression, may this book help you to see from a different vantage point as well as to give you the heart, courage and compassion to be a blessing to those who are in the pit of depression and currently fighting the battle.

This book holds the record of things that went on in my mind during the darkest night of my soul. There is no intention to hold anyone responsible, as the word you mentioned in the poem does not only refer to those who had harmed me but also largely deciphered as the dark version of me. Therefore, it is crucial to acknowledge the source of my pain. I have always considered myself a mentally strong person, yet surprisingly, I fell into depression. I would seem optimistic for a moment, but the next second, I would feel so depressed. And being depressed was not something that I could control.

To understand what happened to me, take your wife as an example (or your friend if you prefer). You are having a conversation with said wife (or said friend), but at one particular split second, your mind is thinking about the new video game that you are about to try out or the project you are currently working on or even an argument you had with a close friend. For me, because of these split seconds, depressing thoughts came to condemn me for thinking about something else while I’m conversing with someone and supposedly to be paying sole attention to them, and these gave me no room for peace. It then drove me towards an endless cycle of mental torture. In addition, even though I rebuked the evil thoughts of repetitive cursing in my mind, they came back immediately afterwards again and again and again.

Everyone has a sound that would challenge their patience. To some, it may be the sound of a house renovation. For others, it may be the sound of a car horn. Mine was the sharp sound of a marker pen against a piece of paper. Imagine if these sounds would only disappear for a few seconds but then come back to haunt and irritate you for the entire day, weeks, months and years. What do you think shall happen to your sanity if you could not run away from these tormenting sounds? Well, some may try to accept the sounds as part of their life. As for others, they may not be able to endure those sounds because they are inexperienced in handling such torture. My tormenting sound started when all the bad events occurred simultaneously to me. I could not bear all the pain at once.

The negativity gradually consumed my thoughts and trapped me in darkness. In the early stages, I became sad around the clock. Instead of sharing my burdens, I kept all the negative emotions hidden somewhere deep in my heart. Because whatever it is, you named it, and I might have gone through it: injustice, betrayal, disappointment, emptiness, regret, rage, bitterness, fear, and the list goes on and becomes even more brutal. All of us will not escape challenges. This is life on earth. But, going through each of these struggles consecutively for more than fifteen years gave me