BAGS: Helping Your Kids Lighten the Load

Introduction

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us (Hebrews 12:1b).

Not to tell you something you don’t already know, but this parenting thing is hard. As I’ve said many times (and heard other people say), these little bundles of joy that God gives us do not come with instruction manuals, and they do not stay little for long. Once they become a part of our family, everything changes. We spend the next 20-30 years (maybe longer) just trying to navigate everything from sippy cups to car insurance. It’s exhausting. But it’s also amazing! God has entrusted us with the life and well-being of another human, or two, or three, or more (we’re praying for you folks!). We get to be on a journey of life and faith that will truly have an impact on generations to come.

As we step into this conversation together, there are a few things you need to know about me:

I am: A child. Obviously, I have parents and I have been on the other side of the parenting equation for all my life. My dad passed away a few years ago, but my mom is still going strong and she is incredible. I’m over 50, and she still likes to parent. I am sure some of you can relate.

I am: A husband and a parent. I have been married to my wife Karin since 2002, and we have two amazing kids, CJ and Kylie. We’ve been through the infant, toddler, and elementary school phases, and we are now knee-deep in the teenage years. I am trying to figure it all out for myself and my family.

I am: A pastor. I have been in full-time ministry for almost 30 years in youth and children’s ministry, and I have been serving as a family ministry pastor for almost 15 years with a growing focus on helping parents. I want everyone in my family to love and follow Jesus, and I want everyone in your family to love and follow Jesus too. I desperately want redemption for kids, parents, and families.

Most of my passion for this project flows from the last two, parent and pastor.

I am not: An expert. A ministry friend of mine once told me that anyone who claims to be a parenting expert is probably not a parent. Instead of listening to them, you should turn and run.

I am not: A finished product. I don’t have it all figured out. This parenting thing is a process, and I’m learning, changing, missing the mark, and growing every day.

I am not: Giving up! I will not back down from this quest to be a better parent and help others do the same. It’s just too important!

What Does Successful Parenting Look Like?

If you were to sit down with a group of parents and ask them, What does success look like in parenting? you would get different answers. Most people want their kids to experience worldly success and live the American dream whatever that is. We can all so easily become focused on that. We fall into the trap of believing our job is to help our kids get good grades, get into the right college, get a good job, become good citizens, marry the right person, have the right friends, make good money, and the list goes on. We want them to be successful in the world’s eyes. All of that is good stuff (at least most of it) and all things I want for my kids. But what is the goal in Christian parenting? What are we aiming for in raising our kids?

As I’ve worked my way through this project, I’ve come up with a bit of a different target. You see, I know a lot of adults who have achieved worldly success, who have chased the American dream, and who are still so very empty. They have worked hard for years and years to provide for themselves and their family, but they have missed so much along the way. They have chased after things of this world and have sought to build their own kingdom with a false sense of stability. As I think about my kids and what I want for them and their future, I’ve landed on a few things.

I want my kids to be healthy.

The obvious first thought is for them to be physically healthy, but I only have a certain amount of control over that one. Aside from that, what I really want is for them to be mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually healthy. I want them to have a strong mind where they have the confidence to think on their own. I want them to be able to stand up in the face of difficulty and not be thrown by the wind and the waves of life. I want my children to be able to look people in the eye and have a real, face-to-face conversation that can lead them to deeper relationships. I want them to have a real understanding that there is a God in Heaven Who is the author and perfecter of all things. I want them to know this same God is pursuing them, and they can pursue Him back.

I once had a wise mentor tell me that one of the goals in parenting is to have a real relationship with your kids when they are in their 20s. That’s what I want! After having talked to countless young adults who don’t have a real relationship with their parents and feeling their pain, I agree with my friend. It’s the idea of keeping the end in mind as we travel along our family journey. I can’t influence someone with whom I don’t have a relationship, and my kids will need my influence in their young adult (and older adult) years.

I want my kids to know and love Jesus!

We’ve been praying this for them since they were born. So much of what we try to do in our parenting points to this. We don’t have a lot of Bible studies and family devotions in our house, but we really do try to have a Deuteronomy 6 mentality with our kids.

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).

So again, you have to determine, what is the goal in raising your kids?

The premise of this book is that our kids are packing and carrying with them some enormous emotional baggage they have no idea how to deal with. This baggage weighs them down and often keeps them from living lives that are mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually healthy. As they move into their young adult years, their baggage frequently keeps them from being able to live life under the grace and freedom God provides. As they try to take steps forward in their faith, their bags weigh them down and hold them back in so many ways. These bags come from all areas of life and can be packed by a wide range of people.

Friends pack bags. Teachers pack bags. Coaches pack bags. Pastors and youth leaders pack bags. And yes, parents pack bags too. I am learning, in both my own experience and in what I know about others, that we as parents are often not aware of the bags our kids are packing. We may know that something is going on and they are struggling, but we have no idea the depth of pain our kids’ emotional bags cause and the long-lasting effects they can have. In some ways, this is a book about awareness and preventative maintenance.

Although I believe we must fight against our kids packing these emotional bags, I know their bags are not the total sum of who they will become. Getting this stuff right does not necessarily equal perfect kids—nothing does. There is so much more to growing up, and this book could never come close to covering it all. This concept is yet another tool we can use as parents to help our kids grow along the way.

Finally, I want you to know this book is rooted in my faith in God through Jesus. In every chapter, you will read about biblical principles that play into our emotional health. I believe teaching our kids to follow Jesus is critical and plays a huge role in their overall development. You’ll also read about practical, simple ideas we as parents often forget. As I have been working on this project over the past several years, it has literally changed the way I parent. I see things I didn’t see before because I am looking at my kids and their development through a new lens. I truly hope you can see what is happening with your kids, and I pray this book will lead you to help them lighten the load.

As you work through each chapter and reflect on the questions provided, I suggest you record your thoughts and answers in a journal. (Get more resources and download a free guide at www.thebagsbook.com.) How we answer these questions and the changes we make in our parenting can have a lasting impact on our kids. I hope you will revisit these concepts every few years as your kids move into different phases of their lives. Thinking through and recording our thoughts are worth the time and effort!

Take a few minutes to think about what success looks like for you as a parent. Write down some specific things you want to aim for as you raise your kids. What are the top five values and principles you want your kids to have embraced by the time they move out of your home?

Chapter One

Just Don’t Pack!

We really need our parents to take the time to learn and understand the source of our baggage.—young adult

As we wrapped up dinner and headed to the living room, the mood was light. We had just spent an hour or so laughing, joking, and enjoying the company of this young couple. We had talked about jobs and sports and life and friends. Although my wife and I often looked forward to these sessions, I knew that after dinner the mood would change, and things might get a little uncomfortable. We were about to dive into a deep conversation about real life and serious issues. We needed to get to the bottom of some things.

On this particular night, the young man was someone whom I had known for quite a while. His family had been involved in our church for years in many different ways. He had a number of siblings, and I knew them all incredibly well. As their youth pastor, I had walked with them through years of family drama. As our session that evening moved along, he proceeded to back up the dump truck and unload it on us. Mom and dad had recently divorced, and most of the kids were struggling in different ways. I knew about the years of tension and strife, but I honestly had no idea of the depth of pain and anger this young man carried. For over a decade they had seemed like a typical, healthy, American, Christian family. But under the surface, so much more was going on. He proceeded to share about his constant power struggle with his dad, his disappointment and anger with his mom, and his overall disconnect with his siblings. As this young man was embarking on the next phase of his life with his future spouse, he was carrying a bag of burdens that was weighing heavily on his soul.

Over the past fifteen years or so, my wife and I have spent many nights like this one with young couples who are on their way to marriage. We have a pre-marital counseling process where we take them through a series of conversations to help them uncover the major issues they may face in their lives together. We start with just getting to know them better and hearing their stories. It’s amazing what they will share with us in just the first session. We really start to dig deep in session two. We ask them questions about their childhood and their teen years. We hear stories about their families and their parents. We learn about their hobbies and interests, their dreams and aspirations. Always, and I mean always, we hear about their bags.

You know about bags. Bags are those big bulky things that we all carry with us as we travel…through life. I’m not talking about bags full of candy or a bag full of clothes packed for an exciting family vacation. I’m talking about emotional bags that are often big, heavy, and hard to unpack. These bags that start to fill up early in life can have profound impacts on the way we see the world and how we live. The bags are painful and often stay in storage for years and years. For some, they last for a lifetime.

We all pack bags throughout our lives. It seems to be inevitable. We’ll go through situations and circumstances that create memories and shape who we are. People will say things to us, do things to us, and treat us in a certain way. Oftentimes bags get packed through an ongoing deposit of one item after another with a decreasing resistance to the packing process.

A coach tells a player that he or she is not good enough to start on the team, and this gets reinforced day after day as the kid goes to practice after practice but doesn’t get to play—bag packed.

A teacher criticizes a student because he or she isn’t good in that particular subject and might not have what it takes to get into college—bag packed.

A friend plans a sleepover with most of the girls on the soccer team, but one girl gets left out and watches the party unfold on social media—bag packed.

A parent creates situations at home where one sibling is subtly compared to another in behavior, school, or sports—bag packed.

A teen gets caught up in the moment with a boyfriend or girlfriend and makes some sexual choices he or she soon regrets—bag packed.

You know these bags. You packed some of them as you moved along your journey of life and, if you look closely, your kids are packing them now. As we hear from these young adults in our counseling sessions, I’ve often wondered what their parents would say. My wife and I have joked about what our kids will be saying to someone else when they are in some sort of counseling when they are in their 20s. But at some point in my journey as a parent, it dawned on me: Do my kids have to pack these bags?

That question is what has driven me to step into this project. As I have done research and talked to kids, teens, and young adults about the struggles of life, I am more convinced than ever that our kids need help. Many prominent voices have begun to sound the alarm about a mental health crisis that has emerged in our society, and