Married to an Ilusion: A Survivor's Guide to Recognizing and Escaping Narcissistic Abuse

INTRODUCTION

The Purpose of This Book

I went through hell for more than two decades, married to a narcissist who physically, mentally, and verbally abused me and our three boys. The pain and struggles we’ve been through will never end unless we CHOOSE to call them finished and move forward in TRIUMPH! For every pain, there is wisdom; for every loss, there is gain, and for every tear, there is purpose. Out of these truths, I determined to write this book and use my experience, wisdom, research, and resultant strength to be a force for change. I know what I have endured is for a purpose; so that through my stories, I can teach more powerfully what needs to be done to stop this cycle of abuse. Sharing is healing! I endured what I did to help others, to make a difference, and to set the example to NEVER GIVE UP!

In this book, you will learn the dire consequences of loving a narcissist and how dangerous it can be 1) not to know they exist, 2) not to recognize when you are being abused by one, and 3) not knowing what should be done to stop the abuse and protect yourself and your family, especially if children are involved.

This book is written to help those currently caught in a narcissist’s trap and battling to get out, and is also meant to be an essential preventative resource. As someone who was once lost in this haunted forest and who is now forcefully fighting her way out, I am sharing my stories in order to teach you to spot narcissists before they seduce you into their snare, a place from which you will not get out unscathed. It is my hope that this book will be shared with young men and women entering courtship age. No one should be naive to the reality of Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD). Reading this book will assist you to avoid destruction, pain, and torture.

The biggest contribution to these predators’ unlimited access to victims is the general ignorance of society to the existence of narcissists. There is a worrisome lack of understanding that there are very dark and dangerous people walking among us who have no conscience or ability to empathize. Often due to early childhood traumas during the formation of the brain, there are those who literally don’t know how to give or receive love. Such people find their identity in manipulating and harming others and they are not small in numbers.

Being tolerant and nonjudgmental is a virtue extensively promoted across social platforms and within structured groups, such as churches, communities, and, of course, political circles. While there are many important applications for this philosophy, adopting it without any qualifications leads to unimaginable suffering and even death which is happening widely across the world. Thankfully, stories are finally being shared through movements organized to raise awareness of these dangers.

In addition to empowering those who are suffering from this exploitation, it is also my intention that this book becomes an essential training tool to help police, lawyers, judges, politicians, and others who participate in family law to ensure that good laws are made and enforced, bad laws are changed, and that we create a more supportive system. As you will read in my story, the current social structures which should be protecting families often label the victims as criminals, seek to profit from the business of divorce, don’t actually look out for the best interest of the children, no matter what they claim, and regularly enable abusers rather than constrain them. True to the promise I made to each and every representative of those groups who played such a role in my trauma: CHANGE IS COMING!

Through my podcast, Never Give Up!!, this book, and the collaborations I continually build with other resilient warriors fighting this battle, change is truly at our doorstep. The more educated we become, the closer we are to ending this widespread nightmare.

I have divided my book into four sections. In the first two sections, each chapter is laid out in a show and tell format. I begin by sharing a few stories from my experience which reveal traits, abuses, and terms related to narcissism and then I explain in detail what these stories teach, including the wisdom and counsel I have to give after going through such adversity in hopes of providing knowledge needed by individuals as well as society. I did not use anyone’s real names, including my ex-husband’s. It is not my intention to use this book as retaliation against anyone but only to share what I have gone through so that it may serve a purpose. In this process, I can both heal and make a difference!

This book stems from my experience along with the stories and expertise that are added by additional contributors. It is a Survivor’s Guide which is to say that I have survived and, drawing from my own experience and understanding, I will assist you to do the same. I make no academic claims regarding what I teach. The truth is, among experts there is substantial disagreement on the exact description of many of these terms and if you look elsewhere for information on these topics, you are likely to find many differing opinions. For example, there are as many different lists on the primary types of narcissists as there are narcissistic types. From my research, I have concluded that there isn’t an exact science to the understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Like all forms of psychology, the more we learn, the more we realize how much there is to learn. For this reason, I encourage my readers to learn from me, apply what resonates with them, and always continue their study of this issue. I also hope that my efforts will encourage you to join the fight to stop this abuse in ways that best fit your experience, skills, and abilities. Don’t be afraid to step into the light and lead others! And no matter what, Never Give UP!

Throughout the book, you will see words that have been capitalized for emphasis. They are key terms that are also located in the Index at the back so that you can cross-reference and gain a greater understanding of these terms as many of them are used repeatedly.

These Capitalized Keywords include the following:

ACES Adverse Childhood Experiences

Agunah Crisis

Codependency

Coercive Control

Cognitive Dissonance

Collapsed Narcissist

Covert Narcissist

Cycle Of Abuse

Cycle Of Abuse

Delayed Realization

Devaluing

Domestic Violence

Family Court

Fantasy

Flying Monkeys

Future Faking

Gaslight/Gaslighting

Golden Child

Grandiose Narcissist

Grey Rock

Healing Journey

Hoover / Hoovering

Idealize

Love Bombing

Main Supply

Malignant Covert Narcissist

Malignant Narcissist

Manipulate

Mask

Mirror

Mirroring

Narcissist Injury

Narcissist Official Handbook

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

No Contact

Object Constancy

Post-Separation Abuse

Project

Projection

Red Flag

Scapegoat

Splitting

Stalking

Stockholm Syndrome

Supply

Survivor

Trauma Age

Trauma Bond

Triangulation / Triangulate

Twin Flame

Twin Flame

SECTION ONE

Understanding Narcissism

CHAPTER ONE

The Illusion

God’s Gift

Reaching to pull away the long brown hair that had blown across my face, I smiled up at the man whose very existence made this world a blessed place. The winter winds coming off the ocean were cold, chasing away the throngs of beachgoers who regularly sprawled out up and down the shoreline of Coney Island on more hospitable days. This ordinarily crowded place was ours alone…and that was magical! The frigid air was a gift, heightening the dichotomy between the chill outside and the tangible heat between us as we strolled hand in hand.

Oh, Nate’s hands! To hold them was to know what Heaven feels like…indescribable! They were perfect. I know that is an unusual adjective to use about a man’s hands, but it’s what I thought every time he reached for me, whether to hold my hand or to wrap his arms around my waist and pull me in with the strength of his tender yet passionate grip. The feel of his fingers on my body was something I never got used to. It was as if he was gifted with some kind of power conceived by the Greeks when characterizing their Gods. If I had to spend eternity just being conscious of his hands, I could have done it with eagerness.

We walked this beach many times during our courtship. At first, Nate barely touched me. He was sweet and thoughtful, respecting boundaries I hadn’t actually set. With his good looks, it seemed unlikely any woman, no matter how chaste or shy, would set limitations on him. Everywhere we went, people would do a double-take because it could be said that he was young Alec Baldwin’s twin. In some instances, embolden women (most of them middle-aged, when they have more confidence than tact) would insist he really was Alec Baldwin and refuse to leave until they got his autograph (which he actually signed, Alec Baldwin). Nate would glance over and laugh, with his big blue puppy dog eyes looking at me as if to say, No worries; I’m all yours! The way he expressed sensitivity to my feelings while being flattered by all this attention made me fall in love with him that much more. What a magnificent man! I would think as I stared in adoration. The love bursting in my heart felt like it might kill me, it was so intense.

The time we spent together was always precious. Do you know the feeling of longing to be with someone and how it makes your reunion incredible? Well, every moment we had together was just like that. The reason is that Nate had spent some time in prison for a theft that he and his brother had committed, but for which he took the fall because he wasn’t a rat. I began writing him as a pen pal during his last two months of incarceration, encouraged by his sister to help her poor brother, who was lonely.

Nate was a brilliant writer and I enjoyed the correspondence. I didn’t know how sexy I would find him. Writing Nate was initially just an act of service to uplift someone down on his luck, a humble, broken, and sad man who was wanting to change. I always had a big and forgiving heart, never judging or condemning anyone. I was happy to send him words of comfort and hope. I didn’t think much of Nate then; it really was just a service project but being his pen pal came with a bonus; his writing abilities were well above average.

Nate was living in a halfway house when we met in person and began dating. This living arrangement came with stringent restrictions, so our time together was always limited and never enough. This created a perpetual yearning for him which alternately generated high doses of cortisol when we were forced apart and oxytocin the moment we were reunited. Looking back, I can see that every minute with him was a potent drug high.

Added to this unquenchable desire just to be in his presence was the joy of seeing myself reflected in his being. I didn’t know it then, but Mirroring is a tactic wherein the person imitates back to you all that you love and value, enthusiastically agreeing with your viewpoints, interests, goals, and desires, making it appear as if you have actually found something mythical…a Twin Flame, a soulmate! Nate was THE ONE; he was the one true love I hoped existed but feared was just a storybook fantasy. While most women never have such a Prince Charming in their lives, I found mine at only 20 years of age! Of all the girls at the ball, the prince chose me! Can you believe my luck??? I thanked God every day for the bliss I knew I would have for the rest of my life. How could I be so chosen? I didn’t deserve it…nor did I warrant the hell that was to follow, but that story is coming.

Nate wanted me! He wanted me so much, every chance we had, he consumed my time and attention. He was just so in love. I had less and less time for my friends and family and didn’t care. Nate was without question the sexiest man alive. He was extremely muscular and fit (from all the exercise in prison) with captivating blue eyes, a sensual yet tender smile, and a perfect 5‘o clock shadow…just the right amount of stubble for the cover of a GQ Magazine. Nate often wore a long-sleeved chambray button-down shirt, opened one button-hole more than your commonplace man, which was enough to see the beginnings of his chest hair. Did I tell you that he turned heads? People really did stop and wonder at the movie star they had just walked past.

As I looked up at Nate, holding back my hair from the ocean gales that threatened to blow us away, he wrapped his arms tightly around me, securing his championship title in the Man vs. Tempest competition. Then Nate leaned over to whisper into my ear, Marry me! It is a good thing he was holding me up or I would have melted into the sand.

Marrying My One True Love

Nate and I are both Orthodox Jews. Nate grew up religious but had drifted in and out from teenage years through young adulthood; still, he knew how important our faith is to me and that I wanted to raise our children in that tradition. True to his nature, Nate mirrored my beliefs and desires and became increasingly religious throughout our engagement, which was approximately four months from his proposal until we met under the Chuppah (the canopy under which a Jewish couple stands during their wedding to represent the creation of a new home). From our first meeting to Nate’s proposal was seven months, making our total time together before marriage approximately one mind-blowing year. Over those months between dating and getting married, I was his whole world… other than sports!

He was always generous with compliments, which started immediately. Upon first meeting, Nate shook his head and said, Wow! over and over, expressing surprise and being overwhelmed by my beauty. (I had low self-esteem and was irresistibly seduced by the praise.) Nate was always ready with little observations about my hair, clothes, smell…anything he could think of to compliment. He was so creative; it was clear that finding new and exciting ways to pay me a compliment became a game for him. He enjoyed seeing my reaction and would appear disappointed if my response wasn’t as dynamic as his praise. At times I would catch him staring at me. It was an intensive look as if I were some sort of mathematical calculation. I justified the strangeness of it by thinking, that must be what someone does when they are completely in love with you. I figured that I had just never met someone who loved me that much before. Nate told me over and over how I was the perfect woman for him, that he would love me forever, and I truly felt special, loved, wanted…

Nate continued to win my heart and my trust as he kept the strict rules associated with Orthodox Jewish engagements, which included not touching until the wedding ceremony is complete. We had a huge engagement party at my home. Though it was big, it was also beautiful and cozy. It was the epitome of the adage, Walking on Cloud 9. Nate’s parents came to the party, though they later chose to be absent from the wedding. His mother took me aside in a back room and conducted a verbal attack because of the lies his brother had told her about me (the brother whom Nate had taken the fall for when he was sent to prison). Nate’s mother believed all the bad things she was told and called me out. I was shocked to be treated this way and at how much trouble his jealous brother was trying to start. It was my first up-close and personal glimpse into the dysfunction Nate came from, but I was too full of wedding bliss to worry much about it.

The day of the marriage arrived with a whirlwind of preparation and ritual. I had a professional come to the house to do makeup and hair. My nails were exquisite and the dress I wore came from the Bridal District of New York City. It was a true fantasy gown. Then I was swept across town in a limo to the hall we had rented and I can say that I truly sympathize with how Princess Diana must have felt on her wedding day. I looked and felt spectacular!

I hadn’t seen Nate at all in the week leading up to the wedding, as is the custom. The anticipation that generates, in addition to not touching for so many months, made this a powerfully emotional and significant day.

Prior to the religious ceremony, the Jewish marriage contract, called a ketubah, was brought to each of us separately to be signed. This is an extremely sacred process. Although we had already obtained our secular marriage license, we would not be considered married until this document was signed. It is important to note for a future chapter that in the Jewish tradition, this contract gives men charge over their wives and comes with great responsibility, which they accept when signing this certificate. They are covenanting to treat their woman like a queen and because of this commitment, in many ways, women are the power force behind their husbands, or at least that is the ideal.

When the ceremony began, I will forever remember watching Nate walk in. I had never seen him smile as he did at that moment and, in the same moment, I had never felt so in love. It truly was magnificent. We went through the ceremonial rituals which included receiving blessings, walking around Nate seven times, and then drinking wine followed by Nate stepping on a glass to the shouts of Mazel Tov!

The rest of the night was a joyful blur of dancing, eating, happiness, close friends, and family. After the celebration, a limo drove us to Manhattan where we stayed in a posh hotel. I was wearing my wedding dress when we walked in, so they upgraded us to a suite. When we entered the room, Nate sat down on the bed counting the money we had been given at the reception (which amounted to around $6,000) while I showered. When I walked out in my specially-chosen lingerie, I had to divert his attention away from the green in his hands. But with only a little prodding, Nate put it down and we experienced a night of passion and intimacy.

Falling in Love with a Narcissist

It is not hyperbole to say that falling in love with a narcissist is the easiest thing in the world to do. That is by design. Narcissists are masterful manipulators who employ tactics that even trained psychologists fall for. If you have already tumbled deeply and intractably in love with one, do not blame or berate yourself. They can be so enticing that without knowing ahead of time, you really don’t stand a chance. That is the reason it is so important to be familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and make a focused study of it. Narcissists can be expertly deceptive, but the great equalizer is that they are also highly predictable. In many ways, they are all the same, as if there’s a Narcissist Official Handbook. Once you have enough knowledge to recognize a narcissist, the chances you will fall for one drop infinitesimally. The way to prevent or get out of a narcissistic relationship requires you to learn all you can about it. This chapter, which is introducing you to the illusion I married, reveals many of the strategies effectively employed by narcissists as they reel you in. Knowing how they capture your heart and mind so effectively is critical. Without this knowledge, it is easy to fall prey to their devices.

The first Red Flag you should watch for in any new relationship or meeting is excessive praise. Being noticed and appreciated is a basic human need that is so inherently desired that when it is met, we offer little resistance. Who in their right mind would say, Please stop telling me how much you appreciate me! especially when the recognition is being given with such tact that it doesn’t appear at all to be insincere? In normal, healthy relationship building, this is how we bond with each other. And so, in typical circumstances, complimentary expressions can be a good and healthy form of communication. When used by narcissists, however, compliments become like the transporter in Star Trek. In just milliseconds you are beamed to an entirely different metaphysical planet that appears so beautiful and paradisical that you let down your