Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme for Comfort, Strength, Love, and Courage

Fate

The only human buried on the moon is Eugene Shoemaker, planetary scientist, geologist, and discoverer of comet Shoemaker-Levy with wife, Carolyn, and David Levy. Eugene was born April 28 under the sign of Taurus, as were actors Michelle Pfeiffer, Ann Margaret, and Claire Foy. An astrologer would find Eugene and his Taurus colleagues practical, loyal, cautious, risk avoiders, stable, determined, persistent, willful, stubborn, and opinionated. Who doesn’t exhibit these traits? Other earthlings?

Most US presidents were born from October 23 through November 21 under the sign of Scorpio—that is, Joe Biden, William Harding, Teddy Roosevelt, James Garfield, James Polk, and John Adams. These six presidents were conceived during February, the shortest month of the year. They took office during the coldest month of January. If they were curious about astrology, what zodiac traits would they be delighted to acknowledge and share?

Would any of the above presidents believe they held any of these traits—sensibility, compassion, romance, observation, intuition, determination, stubbornness, and pessimism—in common? Would they see themselves as easily hurt and often hide their vulnerability? Would they look cool in a leather jacket on a Harley Davidson motorcycle? Well, maybe, Teddy would! Is it possible that they clung to secrets, were honest, liked dark colors and the hidden side of life? Could they hold a conversation with other Scorpios—that is, Charles Manson, Sylvia Plath, and Fyodor Dostoevsky? Were they skilled at relationships? Did they care deeply enough? Did they like a good fight? Any leader would welcome some Scorpio traits lavished by advisers who were not astrologers. Had astrologers stumbled on something in stars and heavenly alignments that actually coincides with reality and fate? Is there anything at all accurate about a person born under this or that zodiac sign?

If born March 21 through April 19, you’re an Aries and expected to exhibit anger, boredom, and daredevil behavior. Are you likely to relate to Leonardo da Vinci, Jackie Chan, and Harry Houdini? You may have made a great stunt double and pro wrestler. After all, you’re ruled by the planet Mars.

Were you born under Gemini, May 21–June 20? Are you charismatic, capable of holding a conversation with a brick wall, and know a little bit about everything? Then you could’ve made friends easily with Allen Ginsberg, Jean-Paul Sartre, and Stevie Nicks. Your ruling planet is Mercury.

A Cancer baby, June 21–July 22, has the following traits: sensitivity, forgiveness but never forgetting, and taking on other people’s problems. Franz Kafka, Stokely Carmichael, and Marcel Proust share your sign. Ideal professions for you include metaphysical heart surgeon and caretaker for lost skiers. The moon is your satellite.

Leo people, July 23–August 22, are expected to be gregarious, vain, and exude warmth and creativity. Meet your horoscope colleagues: Coco Chanel, Kobe Bryant, and James Baldwin. Ever consider becoming a motivational speaker or style icon? If so, your rising star is the sun.

Then there are Virgo folks, August 22–September 22, with lots of ideas, quick fixes, and judgments based on the best of intentions. Shake hands with Bernie Sanders, Agatha Christie, and D. H. Lawrence. You’d make it as a walking GPS, hot librarian, or one-person welcoming committee. Mercury is your ruling planet.

Libra babies, born September 23–October 22, are fated to be conflict avoiders, fantasy-prone, and unable to make decisions. Hold hands with Gwyneth Paltrow, Kim Kardashian, and Donald Glover. You have the making of a great muse, mediator, and socialite. Venus is your ruling planet.

Not to be outdone, a Sagittarius, November 22–December 21, is known for forming emotional opinions, obsessed with self-improvement, and being the friendliest person at a party. You’re expected to go to the punch bowl and mix with Nicki Minaj, Diego Rivera, and Jane Austin. Did you ever consider becoming a foreign correspondent, health fad guru, or unauthorized anthropologist? Your ruling planet is Jupiter.

Then there’s the Capricorn, December 22–March 20, with a fixation on duty, responsibility, and fully mature at age six. You’d befriend Martin Luther King Jr., Edgar Allen Poe, and Dolly Parton. You could’ve been a lawyer, school hall monitor, or accountant. Saturn is your ruling planet.

My Helene was born in the time span January 20–February 18, under Aquarius, the water bearer. As such, she is in love with humanity, seeks personal freedom, and is purposeful. How true! She’d be a great friend to Angela Davis, Yoko Ono, and James Joyce. Her perfect career would’ve been casual anthropologist or armchair philosopher. She was a dental hygienist and swimming instructor. Helene is a loyal friend and wonderful wife.

Do I have anything in common with other Pisces, born February 19–March 20, including, Erma Bombeck, Yuri Gagarin, Nina Simone, Dr. Seuss, Michelangelo, Zero Mostel, Osama bin Laden, Ursula Andress, Victor Hugo, Jackie Gleason, Frederic Chopin, Karen Carpenter, Albert Einstein, and Billy Crystal? What’s our common trait apart from taking up space, time, and resources? If you were born in the Pisces period, do you have the following traits: excessively romantic, prone to fantasy, age five and fifty at the same time, and without boundaries? According to our horoscope, we could’ve been great as volunteer therapists, curbside fortune-tellers, sad clowns, and amateur poets. Is our ruling planet actually Neptune?

Here’s the thing, my mother hails from planet Pluto and my father came from Venus, so how did I land on Neptune? I missed my planet and calling completely.

Hang On

The Brooklyn Zoo invites visitors to look in a mirror above the caption Most Dangerous Animal. The zoo and Charles Darwin were right. Yet humans are confined behind prison bars, not yet in zoos. Some ethnic groups adapt and evolve harmoniously. We need to cage male Homo sapiens before our species disappears due to war, plague, famine, death, and jogging. Some of us make excellent benchwarmers and replacement breeders. Perhaps, the zoo will cage and display Trump for visitors to throw peanuts from a safe distance. But he’s hooked on Big Macs, fries, and diet coke. If he ever gives a decent speech, toss him chicken in a basket. Otherwise, let the Donald loose but be sure to protect your loved ones.

Many animals are extinct—that is, Neanderthals, dinosaurs, dodos, woolly mammoths, golden toads, etc. Many are endangered—that is, baboons, chimps, gorillas, langur monkeys, meerkats, etc. The COVID-19 pandemic is weeding us away.

A third of all passengers are afraid of flying. Next time you board a plane, keep your seat belt on, grip your armrest, order a scotch on the rocks, plug into soothing music, slip on a sleep mask, chill out, or engage the nervous person across the aisle before takeoff. After loggers, pilots, and airline stewards, passengers are the group at most risk. There are no parachutes under plane seats, just inflatable vests that only work in water. Would you rather travel by ship, canoe, skateboard, bike, bus, cab, car, camel, camper, train, or covered wagon? Most accidents occur at home, even mobile ones. And watch out for Indian attacks.

Our predecessors survived the dinosaur with a social distance of fifty-six million years. Stay quarantined and be well.

Life Cycles

Many licenses are reclaimed or abandoned after eighty.

One often pees in pants up to age four and after seventy-nine.

Most money is earned between ages thirty-five and fifty.

Sex is satisfying between ages sixteen and sixty.

Close friends often are made after age twelve.

Most Americans drive legally at age sixteen.

What happens between cycles? As teens, we have time and energy but no money. As adults, we have money and energy but no time. As seniors, we have time and money but little energy. We experience hope, purpose, competence, fidelity, love, care, willpower, and finally, some understanding and wisdom. Life is curiously incomplete, like a puzzle with missing pieces.

Age gracefully rather than a banker who drops interest, an accountant who loses balance, a framer who goes to seed, an engineer who spills his nuts, a golfer who tosses his club, a doctor with impatience, a hunter who stays loaded, an investor who rolls over, a lawyer who loses appeals, a mathematician who forgets functions, a swimmer who has a stroke, a baker who kneads a lot, a pilot who buzzes off, a composer decomposing, and wants become needs.

Paper Planes

It started when my fifth-grade teacher, Sister Aneta (meaning protector), was summoned by the principal, Sister Superior (meaning business). Immediately, Tommy threw a paper plane at a girl he liked. The plane was inscribed with a heart containing his initials above the girl’s name, T. G. loves Cynthia. The plane hit pretty Cynthia in the back of her neat blond hair. She wasn’t used to hair mail and misplaced follicles. Surprise turned to indignation then satisfaction when she read T. G.’s airmail out loud. The class immediately recognized T. G. as Tommy. They let out a loud Whoa! Embarrassed and crestfallen, Tommy turned red with embarrassment and annoyance. Cynthia shot Tommy down. This established Cynthia as queen bee in our hive of boy drones and girl honeybees. All he did was express puppy love.

Tommy’s plane crash set boys folding failed tests into planes and launching them out windows, at chalkboard, clothes closet, ceiling fan, each other, and girls, except Cynthia. She was toxic. The class floor was littered with crumpled tests. Frustration was released over reading, writing, arithmetic, and pop quizzes. Boys already knew that syntax is superglue used to hold stuff together, like model planes. Girls knew it as communication. But what good is talk anyway? It can’t stick stuff.

Girls are born spellers, great talkers, and some, very good listeners. It’s ingrained in DNA. They’re literate, giggle, and take cover under books, except for Cynthia who stood proud and resolute, a paragon of self-proclaimed perfection. She was our fourth-grade Shirley Temple.

From fourth grade on, school was a place to fold, crimp, tuck, and throw paper planes, all behind someone’s big body. Who said school was a waste of time? It launches aeronautical engineers and child stars. Girls were great spellers, talkers, and nurses while boys, like pinballs, were good at crashing into stuff. Boys merely had bizarre chemistry different from girls. It was Biology 101.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made a plane. The problem is there are more planes on the ocean bottom than ships in the clouds. But Peter Pan flies around Neverland looking for Wendy.

Throw in the Towel

More married couples throw in the towel than boxers. Marriage has become preparation for divorce. Why do so many exchange vows in public to love, honor, and obey each other until death then are not committed for life? Marriage, for some, is a sprint to the divorce lawyer and bank rather than a pledge to live long in love. Some run a relationship sprint rather than a marriage marathon without a finish line where spouses die and fall along the way. Most others fly away. Why? Are we prepared for compromise? Unmet needs? Do you lack communication, avoid conflicting goals, detest misunderstandings, and have different expectations? Are you beset with financial issues, lack intimacy, embittered over arguments, overwhelmed with resentment, burdened with weight, plagued by snoring, lack consideration, swamped by emotional or physical abuse, sick of infidelity, or just plain restless? Couples dating should carry a checklist and discuss incompatible areas and concerns. Otherwise, marriage collapses like unbaked muffins and flaccid balloons while no-fault divorce rises in most states like dough with yeast. Marriage is collapsing fast. Half of all US divorce occurs before the seven-year itch can be scratched. And wet towels are funny with a dry sense of humor.

For every three married American couples, one pair separates and one divorces. Divorce is most high in Nevada, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Utah, Wyoming, Alaska, Alabama, Kentucky, Colorado, Maine, North Carolina, Vermont, Virginia, Missouri, and Montana. The divorce rate is lowest in Illinois, Massachusetts, Iowa, Kansas, Georgia, Washington, DC, Texas, Maryland, Mississippi, and Michigan. There’s no clear geographic pattern. It can’t be blamed on the weather. Folks pack issues and take them when they move.

Countries ranked from high to low by divorce rates are the following: Maldives at 10.97 per 1,000; Belarus, 4.63; and America comes in third at 4.34. Immediately behind the USA is Cuba, 3.72; followed by Puerto Rico, 3.61; Panama, 3.61; Estonia, 3.65; Ukraine, 3.56; Russia, 3.42; Antigua and Barbuda, 3.4. Who would’ve guessed?

Who threw in the most towels? Among celebrities, Zsa Zsa Gabor holds the record so far with nine towels, closely followed by Lana Turner, Elizabeth Taylor, and Larry King with eight apiece. Tom Hanks trails with one divorce. Who does their laundry?

Kudos to couples who gave each other space, communicated, and have visited counselors and mentors to negotiate and resolve differences amicably—that is the following:

John Travolta and Kelly Preston;

Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick;

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith;

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones; and

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker, star of Sex and the City.

With so much ado about nothing going on, Hollywood produced over thirty-three divorce movies—for example, Why Did I Get Married, Crazy Stupid Love, It’s Complicated, Hope Springs, etc.

Helene and I address our differences and find new adventures, like travel, cooking, hosting friends and family, and loving each other. We celebrated our fifty-third anniversary as we dialogue daily thanks to Marriage Encounter and supportive friends and family. But we’ve become forgetful and lose stuff. We can’t find a towel to throw.

What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house, garage, car, bank account…

Bible Humor

God has a sense of humor. The Bible includes the following:

After creating Adam, God said, I can do better than that. So he created Eve.

Adam was the first to say: She ate us out of home and garden.

Adam and Eve were the first to ignore Apple’s terms and conditions.

The first baseball game was played in Eden garden. Eve stole first. Adam stole second. Cain struck out. And the angels and giants were rained out.

Forbidden fruit was eaten. It was burnt grub.

Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife.

Noah said, This is not the Titanic. For Christ’s sake, travel in pairs. He floated his stock while everyone else was liquidated.

Because he had only two worms, Noah never went fishing.

Jesus’s father separated dark from light laundry and said to Moses, Take two tablets and call in the morning.

Moses Hebrews coffee.

Moses was chosen to break ten commandments at once.

The seventh commandment is thou shall not admit adultery.

In the book of Genesis 21:6, Sarah said, God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me. Later, we read, Wine gladdens life, and money answers everything (Trump on election day, November 3, 2020).

A thought never entered Goliath’s head until David slung a stone.

The daughter of Pharaoh went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

The first tennis match occurred when Joseph entered the Pharaoh’s court.

Samson brought down the house.

Nebuchadnezzar was an addict on grass for seven years.

The best way to enter paradise is to turn right and go straight.

Three eastern wise guys found Jesus and gave him some gifts. (We exchange Christmas gifts, except frankincense and myrrh. Who lives in a stable?)

Jesus entertained and had a sense of humor. He did magic and disappearing acts.

The epistles were wives of apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

Peter denied Jesus three times in a pick-up game of basketball. And Peter did warn us in Ephesians 5:3–4 to never use crude humor, especially in court. Self-deprecation, slapstick, improv, weird observations, wit, and puns for fun were okay. So leave potty humor to the devil’s advocate.

In Acts 2:12, the apostles were all in Accord, a small Honda.

Jesus said to Peter in the Garden