My Link to Mildred: Interrupting the Epidemic of Trauma via Nonviolent Communication

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1. The Epidemic of Trauma

Chapter 2. Our Story

Chapter 3. Nonviolent Communication

Breaking the Cycle of Trauma

Chapter 4. The Bigbie Method (TBM)

Chapter 5. Her Death

An Honest-to-God Rebirth

Appendix A

Appendix B: Graphics Index

Appendix C: Recommended Resources

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Get Involved Using The Bigbie Method

Advance Praise

We have known of Dr. Cindy Bigbie’s work for some years. We never knew how truly impactful it was until March 28, 2010. That was the day our son, Conor, shot his fiancée, Ann. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was introduced to Conor by Cindy in a prison betterment program. Since then, Conor has stated that if he had been taught NVC while in high school, he would not be in prison and Ann would be alive. This real-world example shows the profound impact Cindy’s work could have on a community. Everyone, everywhere, can benefit from learning the skills associated with NVC. We recommend, from the hearts of two who know, that you read this book and learn Dr. Cindy Bigbie’s Method.

—Julie and Michael McBride,

President of Florida Restorative Justice Association

Our most highly rated and sought-after curriculum is the one that Dr. Bigbie brought to Thomas University years ago. It was all based on the very same processes that she puts forth in this writing. I have seen enormous changes in how teachers respond in critical communication instances due to Dr. Bigbie’s legacy at Thomas University.

—Susan Lynn, PhD,

Chair and Professor, Thomas University Division of Education

Cindy and I have been close colleagues and friends for many years in the world of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). She is the real deal—a depth of dedication and commitment to human healing and transformation I have found stunning and awe-inspiring since first knowing her. This very personal story of her mother, their relationship, and healing trauma in her family gives us an up-close, intimate experience of how this kind of transformation can really happen. Told in rich, moving, and poetic language, this story is a profound offering and inspiration to all of us individually and also collectively on our human journey of healing and transformation of violence and suffering.

—John Kinyon,

Co-creator of the international Mediate Your Life training, trainer of the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC)

From the very beginning of this beautifully written book, Dr. Bigbie plants within us a heightened awareness of the role intergenerational trauma plays in our human conduct and experience. This very personal story of her life not only sheds light on the mysteries of life and death, but also shows us the path to end the vicious cycle of violence. This is a courageous, moving, and deeply personal story that will change your life.

—Heart Phoenix,

Chair and Co-Founder of The River Phoenix Center for Peacebuilding

After more than twenty years educating students who have experienced significant trauma, what I have gained from Cindy and The Bigbie Method has reformed my thinking and provided a framework for connection and empathy. As the principal of our district’s alternative school, I see daily examples of the effectiveness of The Bigbie Method on my campus, as students with limited awareness of effective communication are learning to give and receive empathy. If you open your mind and your soul to what is offered in this book, relationships will be restored, and stronger communities will be built.

—Amy Alvis,

Principal, Second Chance and Success Academy

Dr. Cindy Bigbie has gained widespread recognition as a restorative practices director, as an entrepreneur, as a podcaster, and for her innovative Nonviolent Communication course. Moreover, she has inspired our community to find transformational connection and healing. Her inspirational reach now continues with her story of intergenerational trauma and the path to healing.

—Jeremiah W. Murphy,

President of Connection First and Professor of Physics at Florida State University

After spending years in the advocacy space to end gun violence in our country, I grew increasingly dismayed by the entrenched and seemingly intractable conflict between otherwise reasonable and caring Americans. I was seeking another way to approach the issue that would align with my faith and core values of kindness, compassion, and respect for all people, so I signed up for an NVC (Nonviolent Communication) course with Dr. B. This learning has not only invigorated my advocacy and professional worlds, it has transformed my most treasured and intimate relationships with family and friends. Our hurting world desperately needs caring communities skilled in giving and receiving empathy, and Dr. B is just the one to show us the way.

—Kate Kile,

volunteer and former leader with Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America and leader with Capital Area Justice Ministry—Gun Violence Strategy Team

Part textbook, part personal memoir, Bigbie’s book offers us a critical grounding in Nonviolent Communication through an intimate account of its stunning application in her own life and activism. A necessary read for community organizers, educators, and anyone who lives with, works alongside, or creates with others, this book teaches how to heal through relationship the sensitive parts of growing up and the tender stories that stay with us. This is one you’ll hope your loved ones will read.

—Hannah Schwadron, MFA, PhD,

Associate Professor of Dance at Florida State University and Community Connections volunteer

Cindy beautifully illustrates how trauma, both individually and within families, can be healed and transformed into something beautiful and meaningful when it is processed through Nonviolent Communication. This transformation and the skillful use of nonviolent communication can be a way for us to have peace and love within our hearts and thereby spread that peace and love to heal those around us and the world.

—Angel Eason,

attorney at Legal Services of North Florida, striving toward fairness and justice for everyone, and a long-time student of Cindy Bigbie and NVC

Cindy Bigbie (of The Bigbie Method) offers us unprecedented guidance to break through the fear and pain that fuel tension and separation in our relationships. Cindy’s teaching prioritizes self-responsibility and reflection, enabling us to become more deeply aware of our own capacity for love and empathy. From a place of compassion, she helps us learn to move toward each other, even when we feel scared and hurt, so that we can transform our relationships and heal our communities.

—Kathleen McGoey,

President of KMA, Inc., former Executive Director of Longmont Community Justice Partnership

Cindy is a pioneer of brave and caring heart-centered communication strategies. Working with her, serving teens and their families for nearly five years, I was consistently awed by what I saw as profound purpose and courage. Her devotion and skill are so palpable that it was common for clients to have deeply moving, tearful breakthroughs within thirty minutes of meeting her (to say nothing of her sweet, connecting humor!).

—Dan Kahn,

Executive Director of the Florida Restorative Justice Association

The Bigbie Method is an accessible, trauma-responsive approach to resolving conflict and harm while staying connected with the people in our lives. Dr. Bigbie has found a way to create a space vast enough to hold people’s pain, deepen self-connection, and foster authentic relational repair. Using this approach to communication not only heals internal wounds, it invites love to enliven all of our relationships.

—Dr. Sheila McMahon,

Professor of Social Work at Barry University

Dr. Bigbie, my Nonviolent Communication teacher, shines her genuine light and elevates your consciousness to know a way to peace, to ahimsa, to connection, to healing. Dr. Bigbie’s authentic voice touches my soul, and I know that you, too, will feel connected to her words and her spirit. Her integrity and compassion jump from the pages she writes straight to your heart. I feel deep gratitude for the way Dr. Bigbie has changed my life and taught me the ways of Nonviolent Communication, a way not only to create peace, but to be peace. I am so excited for all of us to share in her wisdom and grow together in healing and love.

—Melissa Green,

Broward Hope Court/RJ Director

It’s all about connection: connection to the past and present. Connection regained and renewed to create pathways to healing from trauma and establishing new beginnings. Dr. Bigbie sets the power of connection within the context of healing and moving forward on this journey through trauma and pain to renewal and healing. Dr. Bigbie tells this story with compassion and humility so her mother’s legacy can be used to change the trajectories of everyone who reads it, and this story can change the world.

—Dr. Scottye Cash,

Professor of Social Work, Ohio State University

Dr. Cindy Bigbie is the true champion of Restorative Justice and Nonviolent Communication. Her work and knowledge help in the most difficult situations and truly lead to effective problem-solving and growth. Her tried-and-true methods make a significant impact in the lives of so many at-risk youth and show them that there’s a path of hope and healing for their lives. She is a true trailblazer and leader in breaking down barriers and helping people through some of the most traumatic experiences. We’re all better friends, parents, partners, and neighbors because of Cindy and her lessons. This book should be required reading in every courthouse in America!

—Jessica Yeary,

Public Defender for Florida’s Second Judicial Circuit

Copyright © 2023 Cindy Bigbie

All rights reserved.

My Link to Mildred

Interrupting the Epidemic of Trauma via Nonviolent Communication

FIRST EDITION

ISBN  978-1-5445-4254-6  Hardcover

ISBN  978-1-5445-4255-3  Paperback

ISBN  978-1-5445-4256-0  Ebook

To my mommy—

Marci Landis

9/12/41–5/5/22

Our Lesson on Love!

Introduction

Will you hold onto their stories and write another chapter? Or will you throw the book away and write anew?

—Epiphany

My mother died, last week, just five days ago to be exact—in the room right next to me, my TV room. Her things are still around. The soap in my bathroom is soap that washed her face and hands. It’s all very surreal, this new existence. My brother, sister, husband, and brother-in-law were all there holding her after she took her last breath. The very same breath that birthed me into existence. The same breath that breathed in me until the chord was cut and I took in air on my own. In the Jewish faith, there is a prayer that I love so much: Sh’ma Yisrael Adonei Elohenu Adonei Echad. The Lord our God, the Lord is One! My daughter sang it at the intimate funeral we had graveside the day after she died. And somehow, I now understand viscerally its meaning more than ever. This idea of her living in me. It’s not just a nice or comforting concept, it’s real.

Yesterday, I visited her gravesite early in the morning. I brought my yoga mat, a candle, some Palo Santo, and a poem I had written that she requested, several months ago, I give her for Mother’s Day. Yes, it was Mother’s Day—just three days after her passing. I was scared, waking up and then driving to the cemetery, wondering how it would be to be with her alone, at dawn, she in her new state—buried beneath the earth. I was scared I would be frightened or sick to my stomach, or the kind of sad that hurts so deeply you think you, yourself, might die. But I experienced none of those things. The cemetery was holy and beautiful. Old trees everywhere and bird song, morning light and quiet. My body, mind, and spirit felt a surprising and joyful peace with a mixture of extreme tenderness and gratitude. I almost went down the road of What is wrong with me? My mother died and I feel so good, a peace like never before. And then I realized that, by her voice being inside me, she would want it this way. My oneness with her and all of life would want to be known and celebrated.

When someone we love dies, I think we hope for a sign from them. Something from beyond to hold them to us, to let us know there is more than this world. A week or so before she died, I, playfully, suggested we come up with a sign she could give me. She was worried that she might not be able to follow through, not knowing how things actually work after we leave this plane. So, I abandoned that idea with little attachment. However, my mama did not fail me. In fact, her sign came yesterday. On Mother’s Day.

A few close people to me know how during the last few springs—when the world is coming to life with new growth, splendid colors, beauty—I’ve been pissed. I literally would experience a pain in my heart due to dogwood trees. Let me explain. I live in Tallahassee, Florida. It’s a beautiful, breathtaking city, in my opinion. And spring with its bright green growth, pink azaleas, and dotted white dogwoods—the contrast everywhere—was like food for my soul. I’d almost jump out of my body with joy just driving around this darn city. And then, about five years ago, I started to slowly notice something was missing. The dots of white—where were they? It wasn’t until about a year after the disease began, that someone shared we had a blight that had wiped out all the dogwoods in our beautiful city. It was like a death to me, but worse, a death that no one seemed to notice or care about or even mention. Each spring, thereafter, I’d drive around kind of crazy with anger about the dogwoods. Spring was not the same and no one cared. Was I the only one that mourned? I even wrote a poem about it. My heart actually hurt! Last spring, I noticed that the pain had lessened some. I didn’t feel as angry but still thought about the missing trees. And this spring that just passed, well, it didn’t exist at all because I spent the entire month of April at Tallahassee Memorial Hospital at my dying mother’s bedside. No time to think about the dogwoods. I reminded myself there would be other springs and was grateful to abandon the season, temporarily, and spend complete and precious presence with the woman who birthed me—and who gave me the signal after all.

Picture this. Yoga mat rolled out toward the mound of dirt under which her body lay. I placed the candle right on top with a couple of special stones that I call my safety stones. Mother’s Day, alone in the cemetery early morning. Me, standing in prayer pose, bare feet, on my mat. I hear a bird call, something I don’t recognize. It’s calling over and over and over. Clearly, wanting my attention. It’s a red-headed woodpecker (a symbol of change, passing, opportunity) diagonally across from my mom’s new home. And it calls to me over and over. Poignantly, trying to tell me something. And then I see it. I realize this stunning bird is calling me from—yes—a big, beautiful dogwood tree. Literally, the only one I know of in this whole darn city. Thank you, mama, for that gift, that sign of hope and beauty. Spring, and all its potential, is more alive than ever, thanks to your death. I understand now, at least a tad more, how life and death morph into one thing and how you are not lost at all. You truly live in me, and your story and message live through me. So much beauty, even in loss. And I feel peace, even on Mother’s Day, days after you left us.

As she was dying, my mother told me (she didn’t really ask) to write her story, and I promised I would. In fact, the title of this book, I’ve kept for years. I knew I would write it even before she asked. I’ve been gifted with the unusual ability to string things together. So, while this is a story of my mother’s trauma, it’s also a story of humanity’s trauma and how to break the cycle of trauma which, I believe, is epidemic and the root cause of all the violence we see perpetuated in our world. This is my mother’s gift to humanity. The metamorphosis of her family’s historical trauma into something that has the potential to make the world more peaceful for many. I pray I do her story justice and that I can explain her story, its link to trauma, and