Trauma Bonding: Understanding and Breaking Free from the Emotional Chains That Keep Us Bound in Toxic Relationships

INTRODUCTION

Trauma is defined as an event that causes profound psychological injury and suffering. The trauma bond is when a person bonds with an abuser for relief from their victimization. It becomes a toxic relationship where the victim will do anything to prevent their abuser from hurting them again. It makes the victim feel safer, loved, and reassured; it makes them feel like they are being cared for after all they have been through.

However, this toxic relationship creates a cycle of abuse that fuels further resentment and fear in the victim, ultimately creating more resentment. Acknowledging, recognizing, and breaking these bonds is extremely difficult for victims to do. Ultimately, however, it will lead to the healing of both the victim and their abuser if possible.

Trauma is often associated with the mind, but it is also intrinsically tied to the body. Often, the abuse creates permanent physical damage in the recipient. All too often, when a victim feels they cannot report their abuser for whatever reason, the prospect of surviving a trauma bond can become even more threatening than the actual attack itself.

Abusers often know this about victims and use it against them by threatening to kill their family or themselves if they dare to leave. This can create a vicious cycle of violence, leaving the victim with a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. This enables the abuser to control another human being and feed off their emotions. They will use this bond to continue perpetuating the cycle of abuse. This abuse may be physical, emotional, or sexual.

Once the victim can no longer take it, they start to withdraw or cut off contact with their friends and family. They are then left alone in a world where they are isolated from everyone except their abuser.

Fear and love are the biggest motivating factors that keep victims connected to their abusers.

PART 1 - THE PROCESS OF ESTABLISHING TRAUMA BONDS

CHAPTER 1: MECHANISMS OF TRAUMA BONDING

Trauma bonding is comparable to Stockholm Syndrome, a condition in which individuals who have been kidnapped and held against their will develop feelings of trust or even affection for those who kidnapped and held them. In a relationship, this type of survival strategy can also be used. When a person is in a relationship with a narcissist or other abusive personality, a phenomenon known as trauma bonding can occur. In this situation, the abuser has overtaken the person's mind, rendering them unable to think rationally or make sound decisions or judgments.

One common symptom observed in both victims of Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding is the person's strong desire to remain in the situation or relationship. This may be in part because both victims are likely to be fearful or suspicious of any other adult figures who enter their lives.

The main difference between Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding is that the former involves an abduction wherein the victim is initially fearful of their captor, whereas the latter pertains to a relationship wherein the victim is actively protective of their abuser. The psychology behind Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding are similar, but they differ in their manifestation and expression.

Trauma bonding can occur in any traumatizing relationship, whether it is a long-lasting relationship or a brief one. There are, however, certain factors that make a person more susceptible to trauma bonding.

The narcissist's partner often has codependency issues and feels loved and cared for first in a trauma bond. However, over time, this begins to erode, and the relationship becomes dominated by emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse.

The codependent recognizes the change, but not why it is taking place. They believe that all that is required now is for them to ascertain what they are doing incorrectly in order to reintroduce the relationship's loving side.

If they break free, the narcissist only needs to return to the courtship phase to reclaim them. The trauma bond is strengthened as the codependent reaches out to the narcissist for love, recognition, and approval. This also means that if the abuse escalates, the codependent will stay in the relationship, perpetuating the destructive cycle.

Trauma bonding is defined as a person's devotion to a destructive person. Cycles of abuse and intermittent reward create a strong emotional bond between the victim and the perpetrator.

When an unhealthy bond is formed, it can be extremely difficult to break free. It can leave individuals feeling confused, powerless, and immobilized.

Contrary to common belief, a trauma bond does not require physical contact, such as sexual abuse or physical violence. It can include emotional abuse and verbal abuse – this includes yelling, name-calling, threatening, and cyberbullying. The abuser's words may feel like an attack and can leave the victim feeling helpless, causing intense fear and anxiety.

The victim's attachment to the perpetrator is rooted in survival tactics. After an abusive event, the victim may feel fearful and anxious and believe that the perpetrator is serious about their threats. The victim may feel obligated to obey any request or demand that the abuser makes, such as sending them a text message, speaking with them on the phone, or talking to them in person. The fear of loss of a relationship can be so strong that it forces the victim to avoid disapproval from their abuser.

The abuse cycle is a repetitive pattern, and can include physical, sexual, or emotional abuse; sometimes it consists of a combination of two or more types at once. However, the abuser is not only the perpetrator of the abuse, they are also the source of comfort and reward. Abusers behave in ways that confuse the victim. In some instances, the abuser may appear to love their partner, while in reality, they use their partner as a source of emotional energy or to fulfill their own needs. This can leave victims feeling alone and desperate for emotional support from their abuser.

What Makes a Relationship Traumatic?

The cycle of abuse and reward is what makes a relationship traumatic. A past or current unhealthy relationship can lead to trauma bonding. The victim continues to seek out the abuser and even pursues their affection because of the strong emotional investment. Consider the case of a person who has been physically abused by their spouse for years. This individual may believe there is no way out of the relationship because the abuser has told them that no one else can take care of them as well as they do.

Victims are then ‘stuck in an emotional triangle,’ which consists of three points:

1. The Victim

2. The Perpetrator

3. The Abusive Relationship

This triangle is a closed system that acts as a mechanism of post-traumatic growth. It functions in a self-regulating way that keeps the relationship intact and prevents the victim from leaving. Many people trapped in these abusive relationships believe that their abusive partners will change, and they find themselves unable to leave due to their fear of being abandoned. This can lead to confusion and helplessness as the victim does not know what to do next to end the abuse.

The triangle formation is a traumatic bond, which means there has been some trauma or fear imprinted in the relationship. As a result, the victim begins to believe that they are being mistreated, but they may feel that the abuse is the result of their own ‘bad’ behavior. These beliefs can lead victims to think that if they were smarter, prettier, or more successful, their abuser would stop abusing them. This then leads to feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, and low self-worth. The abuser's emotional and verbal abuse may also be linked to the victim's low self-worth. It may be more difficult for the victim to leave their abusive relationship as a result of this.

Self-worth is a concept that stems from one’s perception of their value. The assessment of self-worth is based on a person’s sense of achievement, competence, independence, and self-esteem. Low self-worth is defined as the perception of oneself as unlovable, inferior, or unworthy. This can lead to low self-esteem and an inability to trust others, causing the victim to withdraw from society to avoid the pain of rejection. The victim may also avoid negative feelings or events that could bring up their low self-worth and instead focus on other positive aspects of their life. This can lead them to stay in abusive relationships.

Trauma bonding occurs when a victim feels that they need a certain person in their life in order to be safe and feel secure. They may perceive their partner as the only thing standing between them and danger.

Perception of control is also a factor in trauma bonding. Victims may feel that their partner is watching everything they do and believe that they cannot spend time with friends or family without being controlled by their partner.

Frequency is another factor of trauma bonding. The frequency of abuse makes it difficult for victims to see an end to the cycle or relationship because they have become accustomed to frequent abuse.

Lack of knowledge about the cycle is another factor. Victims may not know what to do to break the cycle and may believe that nothing can be done because their abuser has said there will always be problems in their relationships. Victims, therefore, stay in abusive relationships because they fear being be left on their own with no support from their partner or family.

Trauma bonding can cause many different symptoms in a victim. It manifests itself through fear and panic, which makes it very difficult to leave the relationship.

The connection between the victim and their abusive partner can be very strong. This is due to the victim’s inability to detach themselves from their abuser. They may believe that their abuser does not mean to hurt them – this is how a traumatizing relationship generally works. The abuser intimidates and scares the victim but then gives reassurance and love in order to keep the victim attached.

What are the Physical and