Principles to Build a Strong Relationship: A Guide to Intimacy, Romance, and Love

A Guide to Intimacy,

Romance, and Love

Dr. Samuel Benjamin Blair, BCC

Principles to Build a Strong Relationship

Trilogy Christian Publishers A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

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Copyright © 2023 by Dr. Samuel Benjamin Blair

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 979-8-88738-727-7

E-ISBN: 979-8-88738-728-4

Dedication

This work is dedicated to my wife of thirty years, Andrea Blair, and my sons, Bryson and Brayden. Thanks for your patience, understanding, support, and love through this process.

Table of Contents

Preface

Introduction

Chapter One:

Building a Strong Relationship

Chapter Two:

Sex in the Relationship

Chapter Three:

Communication

Chapter Four:

To Forgive or Not to Forgive

Chapter Five:

How to Deal with Conflicts

Chapter Six:

How to Deal with Your In-Laws and Outlaws

Chapter Seven:

Expectations in Relationships

Chapter Eight:

How to Handle Money

Chapter Nine:

Role Reversal in Relationships

Chapter Ten:

Keeping the Flame Burning

References

Preface

Life is about choices. When we come to the crossroads of life, we are forced to decide which path we should take. Some choices are easy, and others are more difficult to make. We make thousands of them each day without even thinking about them. Some choices have life-and-death consequences that will affect us for the rest of our lives. Therefore, it is important that we evaluate, examine, and think through the pros and cons and the effect the choices we make will have on our families and us. Every one of our choices comes with ripple effects that will affect us for the rest of our lives.

Every choice comes with a consequence. Once you make a choice, you must accept responsibility. You cannot escape the consequences of your choices, whether you like them or not.

Roy T. Bennett

One of the most life-changing choices that will affect the rest of our lives is choosing a person as our life partner. This choice of choosing a partner has the potential of making or breaking us; it can determine our success or our failure, our joy and our happiness. Therefore, choose wisely, intelligently, soberly, and prayerfully. The cliché not everything that glitters is gold has proven true. Anything that has such life-changing consequences should not be taken lightly but seriously, thoughtfully, and prayerfully. I have met so many people who are unhappy today because of their bad choice of a life partner. Don’t bankrupt your happiness by not taking the time and energy to cross every T and dot every I. My father consistently advised me by saying, Son, look before you leap. This means, Before you make a decision that will result in life changes and life-altering consequences, take your time to examine and dissect it so that you can make an intelligent choice.

Most successful people will often tell you that the choice of their partner was one of the keys to their success and one of the reasons why they accomplished so much in life. Before you make a deep commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone, you should do some intensive research. This research should include family background, where they come from, what is their belief system, their cultural norms, their family rituals, and their relationship with their parents and siblings. Ask questions like, Were you married before, and how many times? Inquire about employment history, current status, health issues (preexisting conditions), credit history, and current score. If there are children involved, what is the person’s current relationship with his or her children? What are their plans for the future regarding work and school? Before you give your heart away and enter into a long-term relationship, ask yourself this question: is this person the type I could spend my life with, or is this person only good for a short-term relationship? Take a panoramic view of what you are getting yourself into.

The choices you make will make you or break you; therefore, you should:

Choose your words wisely.

Choose positivity over negativity.

Choose love over hate.

Choose love over despair.

Choose love over fear.

Choose love over negative behavior.

Choose love over selfishness.

Choose love over infatuation.

Choose commitment over shacking up.

Choose life over death.

Choose peace over war.

Choose wisely.

Choose carefully because choice equals destiny.

Choose to be happy.

Choose to be free.

Choose character over looks.

Use your freedom of choice to choose in such a way that, in the future, you will be proud of the choices you have made.

Introduction

The desire to write this book was born out of my own experiences of seeing many of my friends, colleagues, and church members encounter relationship issues. Coming to the United States from Jamaica, West Indies, I met the love of my life, who was born in London, England, and grew up in New York. We are from different cultures and different backgrounds, but we both had the willingness to share our lives and do whatever it took to make our relationship work. We were willing to work through our own expectations, beliefs, and cultural differences that we held dearly.

In this book, you will find the core principles of relationships explored and examined. These principles have been tested and tried and are necessary to help build strong relationships. These principles are: building a strong relationship, sex in the relationship, communication, forgiveness versus unforgiveness, how to deal with conflicts, how to deal with your in-laws and outlaws, expectations in the relationship, how to handle money, and role reversal in relationships.

I have tested and tried these principles in my own marriage of thirty years and as a pastor and Family Ministries director of the Northeastern Conference of SDA. I’ve used these tools to help families and to guide families in dating, premarital counseling, and in marital counseling sessions. These principles will help you to navigate through the troubled waters of your own relationship and will provide a point of reference to guide and save you from some of the many pitfalls and issues that have the potential to ruin your relationship. The reality is that for your relationship to work, it will require hard work, dedication, and determination. The most important things in life do not come easy. It is the same way with your relationship; it needs protection, attention, dedication, love, patience, understanding, and commitment.

Knowing how to navigate and apply these principles will enhance your relationship toward the right path that will lead to fulfillment, understanding, happiness, and joy. We enter relationships with high hopes and our own perceptions and expectations of what we want them to be like. These expectations and perceptions may differ from the other person’s ideas and expectations of what they are looking for in a relationship. When individuals from different cultures, values, and traditions come together to share the same space and form a relationship, expectations can go unfulfilled and lead to chaos or frustration. The ability to merge both people’s expectations into a healthy relationship is called compromise. Compromise is the ability to have a mutual concession and be willing to see things from the other perspective. The reality of life is that if you want a great relationship, it does not come easily. You must be willing to work hard for it. This requires both parties to give 100 percent of themselves toward making the relationship work. One of the keys to a successful relationship is one’s ability to take all the differences, opinions, ideas, and traditions and blend them together to form the ideal relationship that you and your partner dreamt of.

Many people ask the question, Why do some relationships flourish while others fall by the wayside? One of the reasons is that some people are unwilling to compromise; they see it as a bad word. But for a relationship to flourish, both individuals have to decide to blend all expectations, perceptions, cultural differences, and traditions until they get the right combination that will make both parties happy in the relationship.

Every relationship goes through trial and error; there is no perfect relationship. But both parties must come together as a team in unity and determination to reach the goal of making each other happy. What is it that you can do, and what are you bringing to the relationship? You need to know this so that you will not become a causality of bitterness, anger, and frustration. Each of us enters into our relationships looking to fulfill basic human needs, and when these needs are not met, it can lead to unhappiness. If these needs are fulfilled, then it leads to happiness. We need to commit ourselves to finding out what the needs of our partners are and how we can fulfill these needs. When we fulfill their needs, and they fulfill ours, then both parties live up to their full potential. Pleasing our mates should be our greatest joy. No one goes into a relationship with the hope and mindset that it will fail, yet still, it happens to so many couples. You don’t have to be a causality but a success and an example that if you work as a team, all things are possible.

Successful relationships are not those that never encounter problems and issues. On the contrary, they are two individuals who love each other so much that they are willing to work with and through all the issues they encounter on their journey. Every person entering a relationship comes with their own baggage, which can magnify as one shares space with the other. This baggage comes from the places where we were nurtured, how we were nurtured, our environment, what we saw in other relationships, and things we learned and adopted from our family of origin and what we see in the media. As we mature, we acquire habits, beliefs, behaviors, and lifestyles. These things help to form who we are and who we will become.

There is no perfect relationship; therefore, you must work on your relationship. We are all imperfect people who make the decision to do whatever it takes to work with each other for the common goal of helping each other grow, mature, and heal from whatever issues we bring into the relationship. Let no one be deceived; relationships require a lot of work, self-reflection, humility, and prayer. Relationships are like gardens; therefore, we will need to plant flowers of peace, roses of kindness and respect, lilies of love, and carnations of compassion. Most importantly, our gardens require our ability to say, I am sorry; please forgive me. Remember to water your garden consistently with words of kindness, words of appreciation, words of affirmation, and words of love.

If you are honest with yourself and are willing to learn and unlearn certain behaviors and be mature enough to accept changes, your relationship will be stronger. And you will be able to use the obstacles you face as springboards to propel you to live your best life. This will be a win-win situation for your relationship. Too many relationships fail because couples prefer to take the easier option of leaving rather than refocus, rejuvenate, and revive their relationship. Ask yourself and your partner, In which area do we need to compromise, and in which area do we need to make changes to make our relationship work for us?

Keep your head up and fight for your relationship. Give it all you have, and remember, if you want your relationship to be successful, it cannot be 50/50. Each person must put 100 percent of themselves into it. If you put in 50 percent and your mate 50 percent, that is 100 percent. Relationships need 100 percent to be functional and vibrant at all times. But if you only give 50 percent and your mate decides not to give 50 percent, then you are in the danger zone. When both of you give 100 percent, you are on the way to success. Always strive to give a hundred percent in all that you do, and remember the old Chinese proverb, The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Take it one step at a time as you work on your relationship. For your relationship to be successful, you have to see your relationship as a commitment and not a contract. A