Surviving Retirement: Finding Purpose and Fulfillment Beyond the Badge

INTRODUCTION

Toward the end of his law enforcement career, my husband was as crusty as they come. It was like he stepped off a page directly from Dr. Kevin Gilmartin’s Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement book…everyone was an asshole, and everything was bullshit. By this time, he was on multiple blood pressure medications and was drinking alcohol regularly to help him stay sane. It saddened me to watch my husband, who absolutely loved being a cop, come home so angry and frustrated each day. As with many cops throughout their careers, he had become disillusioned and jaded. His last five years of being a cop felt different. The job had changed. Everything was more political. He felt like actually getting the job done was a constant battle with the powers-that-be, who would rather have him do less to avoid upsetting anyone or causing them problems. His career was winding down, and he was miserable.

I remember the day he called me from work. He had twenty-nine years on the job, and his pension would max in just under twelve months. He asked, Should I turn in my retirement paperwork now or stay one more year for the extra money? Without hesitation, I responded, Turn in the damn paperwork! I could hear it in his voice that he was still contemplating it, but he turned it in. I later explained to him that I was worried he would have a stroke or a heart attack if he worked another year. Admittedly, I also wanted him to retire because I was tired of the spillover of work crap into our relationship. I was tired of his anger. I was done with his daily ranting. I was scared that the stress he was experiencing toward the end of his career would literally kill him.

When it came time for my husband to retire, we both naively believed the grass would be greener on the other side. Anything was better than him going to work and coming home pissed off every day. The psychologist part of me was nervous because I knew that my husband overinvested in his identity as a police officer and literally gave his blood, sweat, and tears to the job throughout his career. How would he cope with no longer being a cop? What would he do in his life after law enforcement?

As it turned out, we both vastly underestimated how we would adjust to him being retired. He struggled with no longer being a cop. I struggled with the new routine and helping him navigate everything he was experiencing. Regardless of the professional tools and training I had, I felt helpless and powerless to help him ease the pain he was feeling. We fumbled through it as best as possible and experienced some exceptionally difficult and challenging times.

The day after he retired, my husband felt immense relief from the stress he experienced toward the end of his career. After a few months, he was hit with a tidal wave of unpleasant emotions and thoughts. He experienced significant feelings of loss in retirement. He was no longer a police officer, and the camaraderie, mission, purpose, and routine that he was used to for so many years was suddenly gone. He felt lost as he tried to find his footing in civilian life. To cope with his discomfort, he leaned on alcohol and isolated himself. We argued more than we did when he was working. We both felt confused and frustrated. Retirement was supposed to feel better than this. The first year was tough, and it took him nearly two years to get used to being retired.

As he was settling into retired life, I handed my husband a notepad and asked him to write down everything he wanted to share with other police officers who were approaching retirement. His notes served as the foundation for me to learn more about how cops adjusted to retirement - both those who had an easy transition and those who struggled. I was also curious about how other spouses adjusted to their LEOs being retired.

My professional work with law enforcement officers predominantly includes counseling, consultation, and training. As I further explored the topic of retirement, I spoke with numerous law enforcement retirees and spouses. The adjustment process varied - some transitioned seamlessly while others experienced great difficulty making sense of their life after a career in law enforcement. I began to notice trends between the cops, spouses who adjusted well, and those who experienced difficulties. Although there was some variation among retirees, those who struggled seemed to have some things in common. My husband’s story and our relationship struggles as he adjusted to retirement were not unique. Others had similar experiences but often suffered in silence with little guidance and support.

I wrote this book in hopes of providing you with a roadmap of what to expect. Each chapter has a Take Inventory section designed to enhance your awareness of strengths and weaknesses in areas that are known to impact the quality of retirement for law enforcement retirees. I recommend using a notepad or journal to write down and keep track of your responses as you read this book. This information will help guide you toward actionable steps that you can take to reinforce your strengths and train up any areas that could potentially compromise your retirement well-being.

It is generally acknowledged that police work poses challenges to a well-adjusted retired life compared to other professions. This book is a collection of research-based information and experiential insights that my husband and I wish we had when preparing for and going into his retirement. We hope that sharing our story normalizes what you might experience. The reality is that not everyone will struggle, and you won’t really know what to expect until you get there. You can, however, prepare yourself by training up for retirement in an effort to ease your adjustment and buffer against any residual trauma, stressors, or lifestyle changes that you may experience. Increasing your knowledge about what to expect will provide you with a broader frame of reference to interpret these experiences and make sense of them as you settle into life after your law enforcement career. If you are in a relationship, share this book with your partner because they are a key part of helping you adapt to retirement and will likely go through their own adjustment as you both get used to you being retired.

CHAPTER 1

UNDERSTANDING RETIREMENT

I attended a retirement seminar with my husband about one year before he pulled the plug. We both listened intently about the different aspects of financial planning and health benefits to consider in retirement. By the time the seminar ended, my husband and I felt better informed about how to prepare for his retirement. To be entirely honest, neither of us considered much of anything else about retirement beyond the information covered during that seminar.

It felt like forever for my husband to reach retirement age. As his retirement date approached, we both felt excited, nervous, and uncertain about what came next. As a police psychologist and his wife, I knew about the impact of law enforcement work on officers’ well-being and had concerns about how my husband would adjust to retired life. We were both aware of the grim statistics on the average lifespan of cops after they retired and had already heard stories of this unfortunate reality. Despite everything we learned about finances and healthcare at his retirement seminar, none of that information prepared us for what came next.

THE HUMAN SIDE OF RETIREMENT

Although finances and health benefits are important components of retirement, traditional seminars tend to neglect the human aspects of acclimating to civilian life after a law enforcement career. What about the impact of the lifestyle changes inherent in