Am I Making Myself Clear?: Secrets of the World's Greatest Communicators

AM I

MAKING

MYSELF

CLEAR?

AM I

MAKING

MYSELF

CLEAR?

SECRETS OF THE WORLD’S

GREATEST COMMUNICATORS

TERRY FELBER

© 2002 by Terry Felber

All rights reserved. Written permission must be secured from the publisher to use or to reproduce any part of this book, except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Scripture quotations noted NRSV are from the NEW REVISED STANDARD VERSION of the Bible © 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Felber, Terry.

    Am I making myself clear? : secrets of the world’s greatest communicators ; Terry Felber.

          p. cm.

       ISBN 0-7852-6422-1 (hc)

       ISBN 0-7852-6434-5 (pb)

     1. Communication in management. 2. Communication in organizations. 3. Business communication. 4. Interpersonal communication. I. Title.

      HD30.3.F45 2002

     153.6—dc21

2002007531

Printed in the United States of America

02 03 04 05 06 BVG 6 5 4 3 2 1

This book is dedicated to my best friend, my wife Linda,

who has taught me through her love and encouragement

how to serve people through thoughtful words.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Iwant first and foremost to thank my friend John Bolin, who collaborated with me on the writing and research of this book. As we’ve worked together, he’s been a great practitioner of the communication principles underscored here. I also want to thank my friends Bill Hawkins and Paul Tsika for their valued input. There is an old adage: There is no such thing as an original idea. Certainly the axioms for skillful communication that I’ve outlined in this book, I’ve learned from the great people that God has placed in my life. And I thank them all.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Preface

CHAPTER ONE

The Art of Communication

CHAPTER TWO

The Art of Unspoken Language

CHAPTER THREE

The Art of Appearance

CHAPTER FOUR

The Art of Valuing Others

CHAPTER FIVE

The Art of Listening

CHAPTER SIX

The Art of Conversation

CHAPTER SEVEN

The Art of Authenticity

CHAPTER EIGHT

The Art of Encouragement

CHAPTER NINE

The Art of Problem Solving

CHAPTER TEN

The Art of NLP

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The Art of Self-Talk

Epilogue

Notes

About the Author

PREFACE

As we were both growing up, my wife Linda and I remember thinking that we wanted to live a life of significance. We didn’t want to look back at the end of our lives, regretting what could have been. We didn’t want to pass through this life just existing, just putting in our time. Ron Puryear, a mentor to thousands in our business, calls this a life of no regrets.

It became clear to us that if we were to make a difference, it would be through our relationships with others. We came to learn that much of our fulfillment in life is based on our ability to connect with people in a real way. We have come to understand that communication skills are the key to our success in this area.

By the grace of God we became associated with Amway, owned by founders DeVos and Van Andel families. Over the past twenty-five years, this business vehicle has allowed Linda and me to interact with hundreds of thousands of people, whether through sports-arena presentations or through individual relationships. Our lives have been wonderfully enriched by the thousands of friendships that have ensued.

The following are excerpts from a letter I received not long ago:

I’m writing to thank you for the difference you’ve made in my life. I’ve never told you much about my past. As I was growing up, the other kids I was around made fun of my looks a lot and the fact that I was homely. I never had any friends, and kept to myself. My parents fought all the time and constantly criticized me. When I was a teenager I frequently thought about suicide. Things weren’t much better as I approached thirty.

Then I met you and Linda. You talked to me like you really cared about me. You encouraged me to do more with my life, and told me you believed in me. I had never heard that before from anyone. It was like walking out of a dark building into the sunlight.

I now believe I can do great things, because of your friendship. I’m forever grateful . . .

We all have the ability to make a difference through our kind words and uplifting speech. Linda and I have had great friends and mentors in our lives, such as Theron Nelsen, Ron Puryear, Bill Britt, and our pastor, Ted Haggard, who have equipped us with the tools whereby we are able to successfully develop impacting relationships. This book shares those communication skills with you in the hope that, through your successful relationships, you also will have a life of no regrets.

CHAPTER ONE

THE ART

OF COMMUNICATION

There may be no single thing more important in our efforts to achieve meaningful work and fulfilling relationships than to learn to practice the art of communication.

—MAX DE PREE, Leadership Is an Art

Abraham Lincoln is considered by many to have been the greatest American president. Winston Churchill has been regarded as the most inspiring English statesman in history. Johannes Gutenberg has been named one of the most influential men of the last millennium. And Mother Teresa is recognized the world over as an outstanding humanitarian.

What has made the lives of these individuals so different? What is it about these persons that has set them apart? Certainly it is a combination of many factors, including passion, determination, faith, circumstances, and a positive attitude.

But there is something else—a something rare and yet available to everyone on Earth—that turned a gangly lawyer into a world leader, changed a stuttering adolescent into a catalyst for allied peace, enabled a simple newspaperman to transform the way the world thinks, and helped a frail woman give hope to thousands.

That special something is the lost art of communication.

This is more than simply talking to another person. The art of communication is the dance that we have with others. It involves our words, our actions, and our intentions. It is a two-way dynamic that relies on our vigilantly watching and reading the other person in order to determine the next step. The individuals listed above all engaged in