I've Been through Hell Trying to Make It Up to Heaven

IaEUR(tm)ve Been through Hell Trying to Make It Up to Heaven

Alida Jai Rogers

ISBN 979-8-88943-768-0 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88943-769-7 (digital)

Copyright © 2023 by Alida Jai Rogers

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Book cover designer—LaJuana Fields

Fields Creative Photography & Graphics Studio

Co-Editor-Ta-Tanisha Henry

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Be Fruitful and Multiply

Chapter 2

How Many Ways Can a Heart Break?

Chapter 3

Hurt People Hurt People

Chapter 4

Never Say What You Wouldn't Do

Chapter 5

The Pot Calling the Kettle Black

Chapter 6

Being a Parent Isn't Easy

Chapter 7

Blood Don't Make You Family

Chapter 8

How Much Worse before It Got Better?

Chapter 9

Appreciate What You Have

Chapter 10

Why Was the Holy Spirit Sending Me to Maui?

Chapter 11

God Said You Both Shall Live

Chapter 12

Coach Carter's Funeral

Chapter 13

Coach Carter Funeral—Corbus Field, Vallejo High

Chapter 14

Coach Carter's Funeral—the Repass

Chapter 15

What Size Casket to Order?

Chapter 16

Preparing for the NICU

Chapter 17

NICU

Chapter 18

Coronavirus Is Real/God Is Still in Control

Chapter 19

Emmanuel Is Home

Chapter 20

Who Will You Trust, God or Man?

Chapter 21

The Obituary

In Loving Memory Of

About the Author

I dedicate this book to my Father, who art in heaven, for creating me in this body, also Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior for the blood he shed for me, and the Holy Spirit who gives me the power to defeat the devil. I dedicate this to you because it is you who has never left me nor forsaken me. It is you who chose me, and I am forever grateful to be your child.

I pray that as I have written this book on assignment from you that it honors and glorifies your name. Father, thank you for healing me through my own book. An author at thirty-seven, who knew? Do you, Jesus! I thank you, Father, for allowing my whole life to be an example. I am a walking, talking miracle because of you. You have given me undeniable proof that you are real. Thank you for birthing new ministries out of this book. Thank you for every test passed or failed. It's why I have this testimony.

Father, I thank you, I bless you, I honor you and glorify your name. I pray I get a well done my good and faithful servant. I pray that every person that reads this book, the Lord Jesus of Nazareth takes you to a higher level with God. If you ever thought if God is real, in this book, you will realize not only is God real, He truly has been there for you from day one (Jeremiah 1:5). May your spiritual life with God become a priority, like breathing. After reading this book, I declare and decree that you will forgive everyone past, present, and future. You will learn how to forgive more quickly. For we want our Lord God to forgive us.

Father, bless every reader to seek you first in all they do. Let every soul learn how to meditate on your Word and learn how to really build a relationship with your Father. Finally, I pray that as you read this book, you decide to get saved. Time is one thing we don't have. This book shows why you need Romans 9:9–10. It shows you God will give you what you give him. He already died on the cross, His blood was shed for us, and yet this amazing Lord still gives you free will. He is so amazing He wouldn't even force you, although He has the power to yet says it's your choice to choose what the world has to offer (coronavirus, stimulus checks, police brutality, children being murdered) or you can choose Jesus on your own and receive eternal life in heaven, and while you are in this world, He has some promises for those that love the Lord. I'm glad I'm saved. I would rather walk with Jesus than walk alone.

With this prayer, I ask my Lord Jesus of Nazareth to bless every person who purchased this blessed book. Father, give them back not only what the book costs but also a thousand times what the book costs in Jesus's mighty name. Amen. For being a blessing to me, my Father shall bless you in Jesus's mighty name. Amen.

Luke 6:38 says, Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

My Favorite Scriptures

Jeremiah 1:5 says, Before you were formed in the body of your mother I had knowledge of you, and before your birth I made you holy; I have given you the work of being a prophet to the nations (BBE).

God is telling you in this text that this is why you should not worry. I made you, I know your beginning, middle, and end. Before your life began, I knew you. I knew the choices you would make. I made you holy.

He made you like Him. That's His promise to you. You just have to choose Him. God has given all of us works to do, and we all hear God; we just call it everything but what it is—it's Jesus. The Lord said, If you deny me, I will deny you. Don't be afraid to do your assignment just because it doesn't align with what the world says. God wants us to be bold and speak His name everywhere.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, ‘For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future' (NIV).

Chapter 1

Be Fruitful and Multiply

I wanted more children, and he didn't. He is my husband, Ricardo. We call him Ricki for short. This seemed to be the story of my life. Everything I ever wanted seemed like I had to fight tooth and nail for it. This was no different when it came to having children. My husband and I were officially having our first child together in 2018. I'd been dating this man since 2008. Praise the Lord we got married in 2013.

While my husband and I waited for the second doctor to come in and finish cutting me, my husband said, Imagine if our son was born at 8:29 p.m. on August 29? while looking at his watch to see the time.

The first doctor who was supposed to deliver my baby made the first cut on my pregnant belly. She saw so much scar tissue she was nervous to continue cutting in fear that she wouldn't be able to keep us both alive. She didn't want to kill us. How could I not respect that? It's just a little different when you are laying there, watching everyone with their hands up in the air, waiting. As the blood continued to rise to my shoulders, my husband held my hand and said, Baby, it's okay, think about happy thoughts.

I am trying. I couldn't help but imagine being the other patient and hearing your doctor who's working on you get paged to work on someone else. The doctor said the other doctor was in surgery. In the meantime, I was lying on this hospital bed, cut open with my husband to the left of me, sitting on a stool, with his body next to my head. I saw him trying his best not to look over the blue paper wall they made so you couldn't see the C-section.

I drifted off for a second, thinking about the time Ricki and our son Shyloh were dancing in the living room. Matthew, our youngest son, was just sitting, watching them dance. He looked like he wanted to dance but didn't know how. I didn't have any rhythm, and neither did he. The Dutch side of us didn't have any rhythm. That was an ongoing joke in our house.

Uncle Mike went to Matthew and told him to get up and pop his collar. They both started popping their collar. Matthew's smile became bigger and bigger as he continued to pop his collar in a circle. Uncle Mike is my husband's cousin, but he is Uncle Mike to the kids. He has always been the life of the party and super funny. Mike Epps plus Martin, and you have our Mike. We did not know each other at first. I also used to manage Mike at Penn Station. Mike is actually the only person my husband and I knew mutually, but we never knew each other. My husband and I met each other at the Lumiere Hotel and Casino, where we both worked at the time.

I smiled and opened my eyes. The doctor's eye caught mine. She looked like she was praying. I needed all the prayer I could get. She was stuck. She tried not to show fear, but I could tell. As she spoke, she trembled. I saw episodes like this on Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. They were having the babies in the office and the elevators. Only this time, it was actually me laying here, and this wasn't a show that I could pause, rewind, or fast forward. I couldn't see a preview of the next episode.

I was walking by faith and not by sight. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen. Only God knew my outcome. No matter how long the other doctor was taking, I continued to pray. I cried and prayed. I started to feel a calmness come over me. It was the Holy Spirit letting me know all was well. I took a deep breath.

They announced that the doctor said he was on his way. The crazy part was I was awake as they were cutting me. Staying calm isn't as easy as you think. Your mind is looking at what your eyes see—blood, blood, blood. Once you see your blood, it takes trust in God to have faith in all these people with knives cutting you. I am a prime example. Look at me now. The doctor cut me and couldn't even proceed, hands tied behind her back. Jesus, Jesus! I knew who to call on. I looked at my strong 240-pound husband. All the muscles he worked so hard at having, and he couldn't even save his wife. He could only call on God. You might not go to church, but let your back get against every wall, I bet you, you will call on my Jesus. One day, folks will realize you are the church. He said it in the Bible.

People take pregnancy for granted. It's the closest thing to dying a woman can experience while being alive, especially since it was a man who first gave birth, not a woman (Genesis 2:23). It's also how we got our name, woman, because we came out of a man. This is our punishment. Don't believe me? Look at Genesis 3:16. The woman was risking her life to bring life to this world.

People are so insensitive these days. They just say what they want with no filter, no respect, and no regard for other people's feelings. This is one question I can't stand: How did you have your baby? Naturally or cesarean? Lord Jesus, what does that mean? Naturally, we both almost died. Naturally, a woman's body is shared with another human whose full-time job is to pull all the vitamins and nutrients from their mom. I can't tell you how many teeth I've lost during pregnancy from lack of vitamin D. I hate milk. It's nasty. In pregnancy, you need a lot of vitamins.

Every part of being pregnant is a risk. Even if you don't want the baby, taking a plan B, which is forcing your body to have an abortion at home, could take your life, especially if you are bleeding internally. Who would know? The clinic abortion, that process could kill a mother too. You're sticking a vacuum up your anatomy. There's no telling what is getting sucked up there. Now let's say you have a miscarriage, you are bleeding internally, and whatever caused the miscarriage could still be affecting you. Let's say you're going through the pregnancy and have a stillborn child; pushing the baby out could also kill you. It's mentally as well.

I had a friend in high school who had a stillborn baby, and she had to continue to deliver him at full term. I also watched Robin. She is my husband's cousin's baby mother. He wanted me to be cool with all his family and homeboy's women. Some of them were a no go, but Robin was a go-getter, and she never deserved how Juan treated her. She was the definition of ride or die.

Ricki had a birthday party, and she was there, but she wasn't pregnant anymore. I hate that I even asked where the baby was. She had tears come down. I felt bad as she told me how she made it to six months and had to deliver him. Miscarriage affects us all differently. I used to cry in Ricki's arms every time I had a miscarriage.

Every time someone in our circle became pregnant, I wanted to be happy for them, but I was so sad for myself. I always felt I was being punished for fornicating. She was six months pregnant, for Christ's sake, I didn't want to feel that pain. I hugged her, and I asked God, Please don't let me go through that.

Robin was so strong. I prayed for God to give Robin another baby. I asked how she was feeling mentally. Robin said she felt so alone and that she had the babies at home comforting her. Robin had two by Juan. She said, Juan acts as if we didn't just lose a child. Robin said, Some girl named Rose was calling his phone while we were at the hospital. He was cheating with a lot of lizards like the rest of his boys, my husband included. Robin went through that process, and she is still alive.

During the process of delivery, in a very healthy pregnancy, expect the unexpected. The baby turns, and the cord gets wrapped around the baby's neck. It turns into an emergency C-section, which was once a natural delivery. Only God knew what He was doing when He made pregnancy this close to death. You are a living sacrifice. Y'all better stop playing with God when I say He is in complete control. He is in complete control.

Surely my God isn't going to let me go out like that. Not after ten years for this baby. Oh, Jesus, the blood is still rising. I could now see blood on both sides of my shoulders, so I continued praying. The doctor flew in the door, I took a breath, and I continued praying as he took the scalpel. I said, Father God, please take the scalpel in Jesus's name.

I told Ricki I was cold and I couldn't even get a blanket. He laughed and said, The things you say at the wrong time.

I said, I have to laugh, babe.

He said he knew and kissed me.

The male doctor finished cutting me open. What felt like an eternity took minutes to hear. The doctor said, It's a boy!

My husband said proudly, That's my boy!

Hearing my son cry made me cry harder. I'd waited ten years to hear this cry. This beautiful sound of God putting breath into my son's lungs and knowing He gave him life and purpose, I rejoiced and I said, Thank you, Lord. As they were closing me up, my husband kissed me and went to our son. He was the first to see him. This moment was the miracle my God promised my husband and I, that we would have a child with each other. Ricki cut the umbilical cord. I could tell he was so proud. I wondered for ten years what a moment like this would feel like. I smiled through the tears.

The Lord blessed me to give my husband a child. The doctor said he was almost done. I lay there, thanking God for saving us both, thanking God for allowing me to be a mommy again. Over twelve miscarriages total in my life, and seven miscarriages with my husband was hard in itself. But, God, you better say it. Seconds ago, I was focused on the blood rising, and God was focused on this moment right here. Don't tell me that God won't give you the desires of your heart. I didn't want it to kill me, though. Only God can do this type of miracle, and Prophet Ezekiel was born at 8:29 on August 29, 2018. Just like his daddy's prophecy. Fun fact: Ezekiel was born on Michael Jackson's birthday.

After the delivery, my husband and I were in the recovery room, waiting on the results to come back for the baby's blood as well as mine. They ran the blood test on my son to check his blood type to see if I needed a RhoGAM shot. Why would I need a RhoGAM shot, you may ask? I am Rh negative, which means that my body looks at a baby as a foreign object and will kill off whatever my body feels will harm me. People say I have a rare blood type. In my mind, I feel like the movie Divergent. Needless to say, I found out my mom and I have the same blood type during a miscarriage that my boyfriend at the time, Matthew, caused. Matthew made sure I wasn't having that baby. What's worse was this all happened two months after my grandmother passed from stomach cancer. My last time seeing her, she said, Why do you let Matthew hit you?

I just cried. I said I didn't know and said I was sorry. Once she passed, I didn't care about life anymore. Anything Grandma did or didn't like, I didn't like or want anymore. Even Jai Lucy, the rapper, died with my grandma. My grandma was my rock. She was Team Alida. I quit everything, including college. I knew that wouldn't have made her happy. She pushed me to go at sixteen. I also wanted to be done with my relationship with Matthew.

Who physically abuses you right after your grandmother passes? Matthew, that's who. He insisted I went to his grandma's birthday party. Mrs. Noralee, who we called Nanny, even though she loved me as her own grandchild, I had just lost my granny four days before. He was mad that I didn't want to go to the party. We were outside of his Uncle Landon's house in Centerville, Illinois. Matthew tried to punch me as I slammed my car door. I tried to drive off, and he punched my windshield instead, like it was my face, and cracked the front windshield. He kicked the door and called out my name.

I drove off as fast as I could. Why was I with him? I was scared of him. He always said, If I can't have you, no one can. I was scared to leave him. I'd been physically abused all my life it, seemed like.

My grandma met him once and said, I know you don't want to hear this, but he is not the one. She said, He is too possessive over you. She said, Look how you can't go anywhere without him.

I should have listened. Instead, I hid the abuse. I felt I must have been really ugly the way he would hit me.

After Nanny's birthday party, there was a hit out on Matthew. Word on the street was some big-time drug dealer from East Saint Louis who wanted to kill Matthew over drugs he stole. He ran to Wentzville, Missouri, with his Uncle Brian and Auntie Stella. I loved them. They loved me with my tattoos and all, and since Auntie Stella is White like my mom, I felt right at home. She didn't treat me differently. Unlike Matthew's family who was Muslim. I definitely wasn't who Matthew's mother expected him to be with. Matthew's mother ran everyone's life. It didn't matter if she gave birth to you or not; she had that take-over spirit. Not Auntie Stella. She treated me like I was one of her own mixed kids.

Auntie Stella and Uncle Brian have been together for twenty years and are still not married. I asked her if she wanted to get married. She said, If it happens, it happens, honey.

I said right then and there, That won't be me. Twenty years and not married? I could only imagine the drama and the curses that came with all of that. The day I drove Matthew there, I had no intention of seeing him again.

With Matthew out of East Saint Louis, I was free. It was my twenty-first birthday, and I was living in East Saint Louis with my grandpa and his wife, Sandra, in Loisel Hills. He was the one who told me my grandmother had passed, not something my grandpa wanted to tell his granddaughter who was living with him. I couldn't get to my bedroom before Grandpa said, Have you talked to your dad?

I said, No, sir.

He said, Well, come here.

I said, Yes, sir.

He said, Your grandmother passed. I never knew what that was like for him. For me, I had lost my best friend, the only woman in my life to love me unconditionally and showed it. I could now grieve because Matthew was gone.

I kept in touch with the girlfriend of Matthew's cousin. Amanda knew all the tea, like how Matthew's dad, the fire chief of East Saint Louis, had a set of twins that lived two streets over and never dealt with them. I even met the twins' mom. I told Matthew, Your mom has eight kids and seven by your dad, so if one of them isn't his, then why did he take care of them?

He said, I know, right? What hurts the most is we always lived right next to them.

I said, None of my business, honey, but Amanda knew all about it.

Amanda said, No one has ever spoken against Matthew's family, the Chapmans, in East Saint Louis. Amanda knew my birthday was on the seventh of September and knew Matthew was gone. She said, I will take you out for your birthday. She said, We were going to the VFW.

I'd never been, and Matthew would have never let me go. We met in a club that his brother Allen, the cop in East Saint Louis, and Mr. Harold owned, a club called the Monastery. Why they would name a club after a monk's sanctuary, where they live in seclusion under religious vows, is beyond me. It was the only club on the east side that was eighteen years and older. I had heard about it for years. I couldn't wait until I was old enough to go. I was sixteen in college and still wasn't able to do anything but house parties. I would always tell Austin, my godbrother, I'm going when I turn eighteen. I could drive to Grandpa and Granny's house, and there would be a line wrapped around the building.

This club was dope. They had an eighteen and up side and a twenty-one and up section. Cousin Rashaad, cousin Myla's husband, always said, Don't meet no man in the club! Sure enough, I turned eighteen and went to the Monastery and met Matthew. Talk about a hard head that makes a soft behind.

When we arrived at the VFW, it wasn't really poppin'. Amanda came back with a drink for her and for me. Whatever she got me was strong. I haven't drunk anything in two years, I said. We vibed to the music. I saw the DJ. Jesus help me. He was tall, his skin was caramel, he was bobbing his head and playing the music, then here goes Amanda. She got up and left me at the table. I was staring at his hair. That's the stylist in me. He had curly hair like mine. He looked like he had a kit. It was so curly. I heard a shout out over the speaker, saying, Happy twenty-first birthday, Jai.

I looked at him, smiled, and waved my drink. I looked at Amanda and said, No, you didn't.

She said, It's your birthday.

I said, No, girl, he is fine. I turned around, and he was behind me.

He said, Hi, my name is Jay. I started laughing. He said, Happy birthday, Jai.

I said, Thank you.

He said, Can I get your number?

I said, Yes. This man was too fine to say no to, and he was the DJ. I love music. Hello, I was a rapper. I thought I was Da Brat's little sister because we looked alike.

So after my birthday, we met up the next day, and we talked. He took me over off State Street and Twenty-sixth to meet some of the OGs that he looked up to. He was smooth like that. I really liked him. His vibe was cool, he had an honest spirit. His OGs talked about him, and they said, Jay is a good guy. He talked so much about the future, how many more kids he wanted, and how he loved the kids he already had. He said his children were his joy. We stayed together that day, all day until he had a gig later that night.

After Jay got off work, he called me and picked me up. He took me to his house. I couldn't believe I had intercourse with him. I went to the restroom after, and I saw I was bleeding. I called him to the bathroom, and he said his sister kept pads under the sink. I took a shower and then looked under the sink. It was there like he said. He came in and asked me if I was okay. I said, Yes, I think my period came down.

He said, It's okay.

Jay was so gentle and kind. When I came out, I got in the bed, and he pulled me close to him. I no longer felt embarrassed. He said, What if you got pregnant?

I said, I would keep it.

He said, Good. What do you think about getting married?

I said, What do you mean?

He said, My sister is getting married soon. That's who he lived with. He stayed in her basement. He said, A double wedding would be nice. Jay was a real sweetheart as he talked and kissed my head. I dozed off a couple of times. He was still holding me. He caught my attention when he said, Do you want to get married? I got so scared.

First, I knew within a couple of days that Jay had a lot of children. Jay had been to jail before. I hadn't met anyone I dated who had gone to jail in East Saint Louis or St. Louis. He made it clear he was never going back. It was a look in his eye that let me know he was serious, plus he stayed strapped. I also knew he worked at Proctor and Gamble in St. Louis and was a DJ. His mom was a teacher. He wanted to be my husband. Marriage, wow. I only thought I would marry Matthew. I never knew I had another option. I wasn't even over that dumb-dumb. I told Jay about Matthew, so there was no drama, and just like Matthew's family name, Jay's family name was known as well. East Saint Louis was that small. If you knew one of them, you knew them all.

We talked some more. I told him I did hair. He asked me to twist his hair, and I told him I would. I wanted to avoid the marriage conversation. I just wanted to spend more time with him before I gave an answer.

He made me breakfast, and I started on his hair. Back then, we used pro-styling gel. Halfway doing Jay's hair, his brother came over and came down stairs. He acknowledged that we met. I had already met his brother through Matthew. He said, Hi.

I looked down in embarrassment and said, Hi.

His brother Don said, It's okay, you cool. My brother is a good dude.

I smiled. He asked for Jay. Jay told me he would be right back. He took the towel from around his neck. I saw the tattoos he had. I wasn't paying them attention the night before. Jay came back and said, Come ride with me. His hair was unfinished, yet he took me to his mother and father's house. She wasn't home. We went back to the house to finish his hair.

Jay talked about how much he loved both his parents. He said, It wasn't easy, though, growing up with a teacher. Jay said that's why he was so smart. He talked about how they grew up in the church. He brought up marriage again. Jay was sure of what he wanted. I wasn't sure. I told him I would think about it. He said, That's fine. But his heart was more than fine. It was a peace of mind. As we continued our new relationship, I really didn't talk to Matthew anymore. It was Jay and Jai. After some time, Jay's habits started to be revealed.

One day, I saw Jay drunk. That, for me, was actually a deal breaker. I don't like to deal with alcoholics, and God made sure I saw it. I was going in deep with someone I really didn't know. He invited me to his gig that night called the Hole in the Wall. It was lit. I found out that night they called him Mr. East Saint Louis. I was excited because I was dating Mr. East Saint Louis. He was doing his thing, and the club was live. He saw me and told me to come up to the booth. When I got in the booth, he really treated me like I was a groupie. He sure was different with that liquor in him. He spoke to me as if he owned me, and when I spoke up about it, he said he was grown, and if I didn't like it, I could leave him alone. I knew he had been drinking, so I just backed off. He said, Are you still coming over tonight?

I said, No, I am going home to have a good night.

Later that night, he paged me once. I never responded. He continued to call. Every day, my granny gave me the message Jay called again. He paged me. I didn't call back. I'd been through too much to deal with someone who switched up on me. Before he could hurt me any further, I just left him alone. A week later, he stopped calling. One morning, I woke up from my breast killing me. I instantly went to the bathroom with my eyes barely open. Grandpa always kept the bathroom light on. I never knew why, but I was thankful that day or I would have peed on myself.

I snatched a pregnancy test from under the sink, one I kept from when I was with Matthew. I peed in the little cup it came with, dropped the dropper in it, looked at the test, and watched. It had two lines. I was so happy and sad I cried. I had a whole baby inside of me. I thought I couldn't have kids because of the miscarriages. The doctor said my uterus was tilted. They said that was the cause of the miscarriages.

I said, Jay will be so happy!

My happiness went down as soon as I realized I had to tell Matthew I was pregnant and it wasn't his. Wait, how far along was I? I thought about how I hadn't answered any of Jay's calls, and now I needed to talk to him. I called my sister June first. I told her I was pregnant, but I was scared to tell Matthew. She said, Don't tell him.

I said, June, I have to tell him, I can't lie.

She said, If you think he hit you before, wait until he finds out you have been with another man. He will never stop throwing it in your face. She asked me if I told Jay. I told her not yet, and she said, Tell him first.

My phone beeped. I told June to hold on. As soon as I clicked over, he said, Hey.

I said, Hey.

He said, I haven't heard from you in a while.

I got straight to the point. I said, Matthew, I'm pregnant!

He said, Wow, I knew we would be okay.

I took a breath. I said, It's not yours.

He said, What did you just say?

I felt like that dude stabbed me in the neck. I didn't speak. I was scared. I should have listened. Nope, not Ms. I-want-to-be-honest, but at some point, he was going to find out. He started crying. I wasn't.

He said, Do you care?

I said, I do, but it's my baby!

He said, Whose is it?

I told him.

He said, You know I went to school with his brother?

I said, Yes.

He said, Did his brother see you?

I said, Yes.

He said, What did he say?

He said his brother was a good guy.

Matthew got mad and called me a street walker. I hung up, and he called back and cursed me out again. I hung up. He was making me cry. I had a life inside of me. I wanted to smile, not cry.

He called me four hours later and said he was coming back to Illinois once he found somewhere to stay. Matthew burnt bridges all over East Saint Louis. It didn't help that his mother told everyone in the family he was not allowed at their house because he was a thief. Hey, that lady is something else. She ran all her kids like that, even when the baby of the family was too scared to seek her mom when she thought she was pregnant. Joyce was thirteen years old. She was so scared of what her mom would do. Thank God she wasn't pregnant. I told her not to do anything else. I told her there were worse things other than pregnancy like diseases. I didn't want to see him. I was so scared. Why did I tell him?

Every day until he got back to East Saint Louis, I was drilled. He told me to come to his Uncle Landon's house. We needed to talk. He told me not to tell people I was pregnant, especially if I was deciding not to keep it. I said, What do you mean?

He said, I know you don't think I'm going to stay with you if it's not mine.

I said, But we know it's not yours.

He said, So are you going to get rid of it? The way he looked at me, I had to get out of this. I started crying. I didn't even know we were back together, let alone that he wanted me to kill my child.

I went inside the house, and Aunt Lisa pulled me aside and said, Jai, you are a good woman. Most women would have never taken him back.

This was too much. I told him I was going back to my grandpa's house. He said, I'm coming with you.

I said, You know my grandpa doesn't play that.

I left. I made it to my grandpa and granny's house and got in the bed. Grandpa yelled, Alida, you okay?

I said, Yes, Grandpa. I was crying. I rubbed my stomach. He wants me to kill you. I can't. I already love you.

* * * * *

The next week, I went to see a doctor in St. Louis. I didn't have insurance, so I went to one of the mobile spots where they do pregnancy tests. It was nice. Of course, Matthew was there. I went in, and they had me fill out some forms. I took the test, and it was positive. They said I was ten weeks and three days old. She asked me if I wanted to bring the father in. I said, He is not the father.

She said, Will you be okay?

I said, Yes. She handed me paperwork of my options. I left a $10 donation and walked out.

We got in the car, and he drilled me when I told him the timeline. He knew it wasn't his. Here came the tears again. He said, I just never thought you, out of all people.

I reminded myself that this fool had been cheating. We also weren't even together. He started crying. You would have thought he was pregnant.

We arrived at my grandpa's house. I had to call Jay. Matthew was right there. Jay answered, Hey.

I said, Hey.

He said, How are you?

I said, Pregnant.

He said, Make me a promise.

I said, What's that?

He said, No matter what happens between us, don't get an abortion.

I said, I would never do that, Jay. I cried. I was so happy he wanted the baby, but Matthew snatched the phone and started cursing him out.

My grandpa yelled and said, Hey, not here! You take that mess outside.

We went outside, and he continued yelling and screaming at me. He balled up his fist, and before I knew it, he punched me in my stomach. When I bent over, he grabbed me by the neck and choked me and said, You are not having his baby!

I screamed, I hate you!

He said, You better take me to my Uncle Landons's house. When we got there, he wouldn't let me leave. We slept on the couch.

The next morning, I felt something wet. I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I balled up a lot of tissue. I cried for the Lord not to let my baby die. I felt a familiar pain. I knew I was having a miscarriage. I told him I was going to the hospital. He said, I'm coming.

We went to the closest one which was Touchette in Centerville. When we got there, I told the woman at the front desk I was having a miscarriage. She told me to have a seat. I was in so much pain. I asked myself, Why is he here? Forty-five minutes later, I walked to the bathroom in so much pain, and when I got in there, I saw so much blood.

I walked out, eyeing him. I hated him. He killed my baby. I went back to the lady. I said, It's been forty-five minutes, and no one came to even check on me.

She said, Someone had gotten shot, and they took priority.

I sat down away from him. He said, I'm sorry.

I said, Get away from me.

He said, I'm trying to be here for you.

I said, But you caused it.

I waited for thirty more minutes and then got in the car and went to Memorial Hospital. I told them at the front desk what happened. They rushed me in and gave me a DNC quickly, due to the amount of time I had been bleeding. They asked me who drove. I told them it was me. Matthew's license was suspended from selling drugs on a college campus while I was taking care of my sick grandmother in California. My car was towed. He lost his license. The doctor said, You could have hemorrhaged to death. He also said, You have to get a shot. Your blood type is Rh negative.

After the doctor walked out, I called my mom. I told her I just lost my baby. I told her what the doctor told me. I'm Rh negative.

My mom said, I knew one of y'all had my blood type, I just couldn't remember which one of my children had my blood type. Out of five of us, it was me. The last time I was with my mother, I was nine years old. I don't know much about who I am or who she was. I felt like that info could have helped me through the years. It would have helped me understand my body instead of losing my child and finding out I'm Rh negative. This was the longest pregnancy I ever had.

After losing my child, I grew to know most of my pregnancies did not last past six weeks. I had to get a RhoGAM shot as soon as I found out I was pregnant due to my periods being irregular, which means they came every other month. The longest I ever went without a period was two years. I also kept a pregnancy test because I just never knew. Sad thing about it is I never called Jay and told him. I just moved on with my life with Matthew. I got pregnant in December of 2004, after I lost my baby in October 2004. Matthew the fifth was born September 13, 2005.

* * * * *

Two years later, I ran into Jay at Schnucks on Twenty-fifth Street. I saw him in the parking lot. I could never forget his handsome face. I had to talk to him. I had little Matthew in the shopping cart, and I said, Hi, Jay. I said, Do you remember me?

He said, Yes, I do Jai. He gave me a hug. Lord, this man still smelled good. He looked at Matthew and said, Is he mine?

I said, No.

He looked at me. Catherine, the kids' babysitter, took the kids and went into the store. I told him that I kept my promise. I didn't have an abortion and I wanted our baby. I told him everything Matthew did. He told me he was sorry I went through that.

We talked for a second. He had gotten married like he wanted. I told him I was engaged to Ricki. He gave me another hug. We departed. Catherine said, Who was that?

I told her.

She said she could still smell him on me. I never saw Jay again until ten years later and eight days after my thirty-first birthday on the news. My phone showed a thirty-seven-year-old man shot himself in the head in East Saint Louis after being pulled over by the police on State Street. A client came in and was talking about it with my brother Elijah. When they announced his name, I cried, Why, why! I knew he said he would never go back to jail. I never knew he meant it this much. I will never forget about the baby that was taken from Jay and I nor will I forget Jay, Mr. East Saint Louis himself. His big heart and smile and the love he had for his family I will always cherish.

The nurse interrupted my thoughts by letting me know they found marijuana in my blood and they were testing the placenta now. I asked, What does that mean?

She said, If it's in the placenta, then it's in the baby's blood. If it is in the baby's blood, a social worker will be in here to talk to you next.

She walked out, and Ricki said, Wow.

I said, I know. After all this, you are not finna tell me they are not gonna give me my baby over a plant that helped me eat and helped my nausea every day. It was medicine for me. A couple of puffs of medicine would stop me from being sick. I started to cry.

The nurse looked at my husband and I and said, We will come back and give you a RhoGAM shot since your son doesn't have your blood type. Which actually means if my son's blood would have gotten mixed with mine, I would have died.

I called my mom and told her what they said. My mom said she went through that. She told me that if it was in the baby's blood, they would get a social worker to come to the house and do a wellness check on the baby and I for the next six months. She said, It's just marijuana. It wasn't like they found crack. My momma knows the system. She has been in the system since I could remember. I wanted to ask her which one of us had crack in our system.

Never mind, I thought about what else had been in my system. All the medicines they had me on were generic for Zofran, which was Ondansetron. The problem with this medicine is it actually worked. I wouldn't be sick for a full twenty-four hours. It definitely came with some side effects. One of my worst side effects was constipation. I would have to put on a glove and manually remove enough to let it flow. Being constipated and pregnant, you can't eat much. You can't push unless you want hemorrhoids. I did what I needed to do to avoid hemorrhoids. The prescription only came with two refills because of Medicaid. It was $300 for thirty pills that I had to pay out of pocket if I wanted more. I couldn't afford that, so I took one pill every other day to stop throwing up.

One of my clients in the military tried to give me hers from when she did in-vitro. She was sick, too, but the military gave this medicine for free, so she was good. She gave me what she had. I didn't know why I was so sick. I wasn't like this with the other two. When I started marijuana, it not only took my nausea away but helped me gain the weight I needed. I wasn't gaining weight for the baby. Taking Sudafed and steroids because I couldn't breathe did not help me. I was also on an inhaler. I told Auntie Alisha that I couldn't eat. She said, The devil is a liar. She prayed for me and the baby, and she kept me with food. One day, she came to the salon and told me God told her to be here for me for anything I needed. She did that assignment.

A handful of clients that became family helped me eat as well. Renata kept me with food and has always been my biggest tipper. Anita always brought treats, clothes, anything she thought I needed, she would have. Mrs. Dorothy kept me with her famous fresh rolls she baked from scratch. I was thankful for the people God sent to me to be a blessing.

I did what I could to stay happy for the baby. About an hour after the surgery, they brought our son into the room. My husband did chest to chest immediately, like the nurses told him too. I was happy to see him hold his son. Throughout the pregnancy, all I heard was I'm not holding the baby until the baby is six months. He said, "When the baby is big enough. He didn't want to hurt the baby, being so small. I used to actually get mad. Then here he went, that's my boy looking tall, the first one to hold him, first skin to skin.

It moved my heart to see a side of my husband so soft. I'd seen him with our other three children, but never from birth. Now this was a moment that the devil never wanted me to have. It was here, this was our very first child together. I was truly happy. I remember telling God not to let me have any more kids until I got married. Look at God being God.

When the nurse returned, she said, There is no trace of drugs in the baby system or in the placenta. It was only in your blood. The favor on my life. I could take my son home. Devil, you are still a liar. She said she would return with the RhoGAM shot.

I said, Thank you, Father. I knew it was only His grace and mercy that I needed to thank Him. She gave me my RhoGAM shot right in my butt, then gave me my card to keep on me that showed when I had a shot.

I was just grateful. We had lost so much, and here came God, giving us our blessing when we were ready to give up on our marriage. I tell you, tell God your plans, watch Him laugh at you. God did this His way. My husband was so happy. He had been here with me all day. We spoke to the kids, off and on all day. Now he needed to go be a dad at home. He kissed me and our son. He said, I love you.

I said, I love you too.

He said he would call when he got home.

The nurse came in with the electric milk pump to help me get the milk flowing. I had no rest. The lactation nurse said, Let's see if he will latch on first. He didn't latch on. I couldn't understand how a boob could be so big yet he wouldn't latch on. She squeezed my nipple, and when a drop came out, she put it to his nose, and my baby just went back to sleep. She said, He is tired.

I got to pumping. I knew I would try again. I was no good with milk coming in. A few hours later, I said, Son, let's try this again. This time, my baby latched on and fell asleep again. At least he was full this time.

I was scared to go to sleep. They didn't take the baby back to the nursery. The baby stayed in the room with me overnight. The nurse said, The baby wouldn't be able to sleep with you in the bed. He has to sleep in the basket we have for him which requires you to have to get up.

I was in too much pain. I said, Jesus, Jesus as I held my lower abdomen. The nurse left. I kissed him. He opened his eyes and looked at me. My boobs swelled up double real quick. He drank a little more and went back to sleep.

I waited for my husband to call so I could go to sleep. I knew he had to get settled at home with the kids. Once he called, I put the baby in the bassinet and dozed off. He sure woke up an hour later. We went through that all night until the next morning. It didn't matter. I was just so in love, looking at those little feet. I said, I've wanted you for so long. I praised God for him being healthy. Despite having two previous cesareans, I knew the dos and don'ts. Bending up and down was a no-no. Don't cough. Stairs? Not at all. Even yawning hurt. Nothing prepares you for being cut open. Right now, sleep was my issue. I went from almost dying in the delivery room to straight Mommy mode. That didn't matter to me either. I just continued praising God that they didn't take our baby.

My husband finally called and said, Our other children are doing well. They wanted to know when the baby and I were coming home. I told them three days. That even changed. It used to be five days when one had major surgery.

My husband came back to the hospital once the children were all at school. He came in, kissed us both, and took his shirt off and grabbed his son and started doing skin to skin again. I said, You gonna make sure he knows who you are?

He said, He already knows who I am.

I took that opportunity and took a nap. I woke up once the doctor came in. The doctor explained to me in detail what happened in the delivery room. He said, The first cut is at your bikini line. The first doctor did that. He said he had to cut my uterus sideways in order to get the baby out and save me as well. He also reported that I lost 1,100 ml of blood. The doctor said, You were close to needing a blood transfusion.

After listening to the doctor, I asked if I could have any more children after this C-section. I wanted to know with this being my third C-section, would my body be able to handle a fourth? Who better to ask than the doctor who just cut me? The doctor proceeded to tell me, Yes, your body can handle another C-section. But he advised me to let my body heal. I saw my husband looking at me like I was crazy. The doctor left the room.

I cried. I was reminded I am only alive because Jesus didn't let me die on that table. I counted my baby's toes and fingers again when my husband handed me the baby. He said, I think he is hungry. After I fed our son, my husband took him back, and I dozed off. I got a solid two hours of sleep. I opened my eyes, and there was my handsome husband singing to our son. I continued to rest. I knew he had to leave soon. The kids were getting ready to get out of school in a few hours.

The pastor of the hospital knocked on the door, and my husband woke me up and said, A pastor is here. He came in and asked how we were doing and a couple of other questions like, would we be having more children? Even the pastor wanted to know if we had planned on having more children.

My husband looked at me, then at the pastor. At the same time, we both spoke. He said, No, and I said, Yes.

Pastor looked at us funny as if we were not on the same page. He said, Let me pray for you both. The pastor proceeded to pray for us. Yes, I fully understood I just had a blessed beautiful baby boy. I am not trying to have another baby back-to-back. I just wanted to know if the option was on the table.

My husband's voice sounded like a yelling "No! like never again. The question I was asked the most during my pregnancy is, Are you gonna give Ezekiel a sibling? I never imagined Ezekiel would be alone. Our oldest, Shyloh, is fourteen years old. That's a big age gap. If Sarah wasn't too old to have children at ninety years old then, I am not too old to have children at thirty-five. He said his age was the reason. He said, I am about to turn forty. have a new baby. I will be all gray-haired, walking to school with him, and people will think I am his grandpa. He flipped it and said, Why couldn't you have had him ten years ago?"

I said, I am not God. Who am I to tell my God when he shall give me a child? Ask God, don't ask me.

How could you ask your wife anything of that sort, after all the miscarriages I had? I never understood why people say things like that. I heard it all throughout my pregnancy. Why did you wait so late to have kids? It hurts worse when your husband makes you feel bad for how long it took to give him a child. My thoughts were, Wait, what makes you all think I waited or wanted to wait? I can't control what God does. He knew me before he formed me in my mother's womb. Only He knows how many kids I will have and when.

For Christ's sake, this fool used to see me with my legs in the air, face down, doing a handstand on the side of the bed, just to have his baby. I wanted to give my husband a baby so badly. Making love with my husband started becoming depressing. Every time we made love, I prayed I would get pregnant. He would always talk about how it would be cool to have a baby together. Now he says he is too old? No one considered how much I prayed not to lose this baby or any of my babies I lost. I kept continuing to keep my faith, no matter what was happening or what people said. It is people's opinions who will try to have you second-guess what you know God already showed you.

I kept believing that if God did it for me twice, he could do it again. I believed it would be easier once I got married and stopped fornicating. I believed there to be no more miscarriages. These people didn't know how many times I went to the altar to have prayer over my womb or how at one point, my husband said, Just don't tell me if you get pregnant again until you're five months. At least I know the baby will live. My husband had given up on life while I was praying for life. People just don't think before they speak. Lord knows if I could have had ten children and live, I would have.

The desire for a big family stems from me being separated from my three sisters and my only brother. The oldest is June, next is me. Next is Seth, my Irish twin brother, then we got Summer and our baby sister, Jean, whom I haven't seen since she was two years old. Her name came from my grandmother Ivory Jean Rogers. My mother's name is Taliyah, and my father is Seth Sr. My mom wanted to pay tribute to my grandmother for helping her when she had breast cancer and was pregnant at the same time.

The doctors told my mom, It would be best to abort the baby since this was her second time with breast cancer and she couldn't do chemo at the same time. Before my baby sister was born, her dad left. As a result of him being the only worker, we went from a three-bedroom house with a fenced backyard to some roach and mice-infested apartments. No matter how clean my mother was, the rodents lived there and were not paying rent. The roaches scared me. I was told they would eat my eardrum. My granny wasn't happy about it at all. When it was time for my mom to deliver the baby, she had no one to keep her other four children.

My grandmother, being a woman of God, took my mom's four children to live at her house. My grandmother hired her best friend to watch us as a live-in nanny at her house in order for my grandmother to continue