Improve Your Conversation Skills, Master Small Talk & Read People Like A Book (2 in 1): How To Talk To Anyone, Improve Your Social Skills & Protect Against Dark Psychology

Improve Your Conversation Skills, Master Small Talk & Read People Like A Book (2 in 1): How To Talk To Anyone, Improve Your Social Skills & Protect Against Dark Psychology

Sarah Evanson

Improve Your Conversations: Your Communication Skills Blueprint- Overcome Social Anxiety, Learn To Talk To Absolutely Anyone, Master Small Talk & Develop Deeper Relationships

Sarah Evanson

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

The Power of Listening

Chapter 2

Fears and Barriers

Chapter 3

The Four Stages of Interaction

Chapter 4

Decision making strategies

Chapter 5

Using Your Voice to Your Advantage

Chapter 6

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness

Chapter 7

Changing thought patterns

Chapter 8

Core beliefs and assumptions

Chapter 9

Strategies for dealing with social anxiety.

Chapter 10

Worksheets

Meditations

Release Negative Thinking Meditation Script

Relaxation for a Positive Self Image

Meditation For anxious emotions

Anxiety Meditation Guided Script

Meditation for Stress Reduction

Self-Esteem Relaxation

Being Mindful While Speaking with Others

Overcoming Shynes Relaxation Script

Mindfulness Meditation for Social Anxiety

Introduction

Communication is one of the most important skills you can learn because we are constantly communicating with other people. It can be simple at times, but it can also appear impossible.

This book will give you the skills necessary to become a more natural and effective communicator. You'll get better at talking to people you already know and start figuring out what keeps you from interacting with people you don't know. By the end, you'll be communicating more confidently and frequently, and your communication will be sharper, giving you a better chance of achieving the results you want.

Understanding is the key to effective communication.

The person you're speaking with must believe that you understand them. Only when you reach a point of mutual understanding you can make real progress and build rapport.

There are two types of communication:

1. Primary communication consists of the actual words you say as well as the direct meaning that someone extracts from those words.

2. Secondary communication occurs when people infer or deduce something from what you say that you did not intend.

Secondary communication is what occurs outside of the actual words you say, ranging from the impression you make to the various interpretations your words allow.

Suppose you tell someone you're paying for a friend's vacation. You might think they'll think you're a charitable person, but the true secondary communication is that the listener may have shaped a negative impression of your friends. They may believe you have friends who live on freebies, which is not what you meant your communication to accomplish.

Many communication issues originate from the communication gap, which is the difference between what you mean when you say something to someone and the meaning they take away.

So what makes this any different? Why would there be a gap in communication? Language is essentially an expression of one's feelings about something. When you have thoughts or experience things in the outside world, you experience emotions.

You then put words together to communicate those emotions and say what you want, think, or need, and so on. This all happens subconsciously, so you don't have to think about every word you're going to say.

The gap arises from the fact that humans use different phrases and words to describe their internal or emotional experiences. When you describe something to another person, the words and phrases you use may differ from the words and phrases they would use to describe the same experience. That is, no one else is likely to fully understand or process the language you use in the same way that you do.

Add to that the fact that no one else thinks the same way you do. We've all had different life experiences and have different perspectives on the world and our place in it. We all have different beliefs and values. Your communication is based on things that have happened, are happening, or that you want to happen in your life. Internal processing is always present, and it differs from person to person.

Words have different meanings for different people and in different contexts.

If I say, I've had a fantastic christmas break, it doesn't necessarily imply that you will have a fantastic vacation as well simply by going to the same location and doing the same things as me. You will have a completely different set of standards for what represents fantastic in terms of a vacation. Consider the word outspoken as well. For some, it's a good thing, implying straightforwardness and honesty. Others interpret it negatively.

It all comes down to how you process different experiences. Your experiences influence the words and phrases you use, but you can never be certain that the person you are speaking with shares your experiences. As a result, there is always a communication chasm.

We can see different things.

Why can two people observe the same situation but have completely different understandings?

We are more likely to notice things that are important to us or reflect our view of the world. That is why two people attending the same occasion can have such different experiences: they notice different things in the same environment. Imagine Guy is afraid to attend a basketball game because there may be conflict in the crowd. Because of his predisposition about the event, he is more likely to notice people who are grimacing and have a negative body language. Mike on the other hand attends the same game, expecting everyone to be relaxed and friendly. Smiles and laughter are more likely to catch his attention. As you can see,  It was the same event, but it was a completely different experience.

This is also evident when you and another person sees a car. You both see the same car, but one of you may like and and the other may hate it.  

Every one of us is unique. Even when introduced with the same external stimulus, we perceive the world differently. It's no surprise that many of us are shy about starting conversations. Communication is a minefield, but your possibilities, success, and happiness are dependent on how you interact with others - which is where this book comes in.

You can use the information to improve your communication skills in a variety of situations, such as improving your social life, becoming that confident person who can strike up a conversation with anyone, or improving your sales or networking skills. Whatever it is, this book contains strategies, ideas, and techniques to help you talk to anyone!

Chapter 1

The Power of Listening

Your ability to listen well in a social or professional setting can benefit you just as much as any other skill you learn. One of the most important characteristics of a leader is the ability to gather information by asking questions and carefully listening to what others have to say.

Four Tips for Better Listening: 

Every book or article on the subject eventually reaches the same conclusion: There are four essential components of effective listening. If you can master them, you will earn yourself the charisma of talking to anyone.

1. Pay close attention. Without interrupting, listen. Listen in complete silence, as if nothing else in the world is more important to you right now than what the other person is saying.

If someone wants to talk to you, especially at home, stop everything else and give that person your undivided attention.

Turn off the TV, close the book or newspaper, and concentrate solely on what the other person is saying. This behavior will be immediately recognized and appreciated, giving you enormous emotional power in the conversation.

When a person is attentively listened to by the other, he is affected. Endorphins, nature's happy drug, are released by his brain, causing him to feel good about himself. His self-esteem rises, and he begins to like himself more. Above all, he likes and trusts you more as a result of your attentive listening to him. The payoff is fantastic.

2. Take a break before responding. Instead of jumping in as quickly after the other person pauses talking to take a breath, take a three to five-second break. Allow for some silence. Simply relax.

When you take a break, three things happen, all of which are positive. First, you avoid interrupting the other person if he is simply reorganizing his thoughts before proceeding. Second, by pausing, you indicate to the speaker that what he said was significant and that you are evaluating it. This reinforces the speaker's personal worth and causes him to perceive you as a more likable and intelligent person. Third, you actually hear the person, not just what he said, but what he meant on a deeper intellectual level. Try it just once and see what happens.

3. Clarifying question Never think that you understand exactly what someone said. Instead, help him in expanding on his most recent statement by asking, How do you mean? or What exactly do you mean?

Here is one of the most essential communication rules: The individual who poses the questions has control.

The person asking the questions has control over the person answering them. When responding to a question, a person's entire focus and attention is on what he is saying; he cannot think of anything else. The questioner has complete control over him.

The key to captivating someone with this method is to ask thoughtful questions. All great communicators understand and employ this technique on a regular basis.

4. Feed it back to them in your own words. This is the true test of effective listening, the acknowledgement that you were truly paying attention rather than participating in the common practice of pretending listening.

You pause after a person finishes speaking and say something like, So, you just did this, and then this happened, and then you made the decision to do that, right?

Only after the speaker confirms what he said and meant you can proceed, either by asking a second question or making a comment on what was just said.

Attention

Attraction necessitates undivided attention, particularly when listening. Unless you're listening to a speech, remembering what someone says is only one aspect of listening. If your attitude says, I don't care enough to bother reacting to you, or if nothing in your behavior indicates that you are listening, you are a bad listener. If you're not sending signals that you're paying attention... you're not listening!

Many qualities contribute to good relationships, whether social or professional, but nothing is more important than being perceived as an empathetic listener. The better you listen, the more useful you are in any relationship. But how can we know if someone is paying full attention?

You signal that you are listening by using body language. 

Those who communicate this signal are known as attentive listeners. Those who do not are referred to as inattentive listeners.

Provide Assurances and Acknowledgements

These signals are known as "acknowledgements. They are used by attentive listeners to acknowledge the other person's presence and to reassure them that they are fully engaged in the act of listening. Listeners who are attentive in the moment make people feel special and important. The more you use these signals, the more attractive you will appear.

First Signal: Make Eye Contact

How do you know if someone is paying attention to you? The first and most important signal is simple eye contact. Someone who is not looking at you is not listening to you. Take a good look at the speaker.

Maintain direct eye contact. That's the most basic way for people to tell if you're paying attention. The more eye contact you make, the more engaged you appear.

How much eye contact is appropriate? There's no such thing as too much listening when you are listening: It should ideally be 100 percent. If you look away too frequently or for too long, the other person will almost certainly react negatively, thinking, I'm boring, he doesn't like me, or She's not interested in what I've got to say.

Poor eye contact generates no positive thoughts. You must maintain good eye contact while listening if you want to be perceived as attractive.

Second Signal: The Flick 

Superior eye contact while listening necessitates an extra skill that enhances the genuineness of your eye contact. It also helps to prevent intimidation caused by intense eye contact. It also indicates the extent to which you are invested in the person and what they are saying.

What exactly is the flick? While listening, flicking is the shifting of the gaze from one of the person's eyes to the other. You can observe this technique in movies where there is a love scene where the girl looks into the man's eyes. Notice how her gaze shifts from one to the other, creating a flick between eyes and lips. This movement expresses thoughts and emotions and shows that both participants are engaged with each other.  

Genuine Listening vs. Fake Listening

You've most likely experienced both types. Someone has been staring at you, possibly making direct eye contact, but you knew he is physically here but his mind is elsewhere. This is a time where t he other person was pretending to listen. He wasn't paying attention to you. His eyes were glazed and vacant, confirming your worst suspicion—he wasn't really interested in you or whatever you had to say.

What caused that blank stare? It's due to a lack of eye stimulation. The person's eyes appeared to be fixed in one place, staring at you. And the longer he just stayed there, the more uncomfortable and even frustrated you became.

Adjust Your Vision

Your eyes must move if you want people to recognize that you are listening. As you may have seen on television, the more eye interaction there is, the more involved you appear to be. The less eye activity you have, the less involved you appear, and where there is no eye activity, there appears to be no involvement at all.

Third Signal: Head Tilts 

The movements you make with your body and head have a tremendous impact on others.

Fourth Signal: Head nodding.

Another effective technique for listening and appearing attractive to others is head nodding. Some people nod instinctively, while others don't nod at all. If you observe people's reactions while they are listening, you will notice how useful head nods can be. When they are not present, the listener's attractiveness and energy are significantly reduced.

Three Different Ways to Nod

Head nods indicate how attentively you are listening as well as what you are thinking and feeling. There are three types of head nods: slow, fast, and extremely fast. Each has its own unique meaning and utility. The majority of people will understand them.

The first is a slow head nod that says, I'm following you; I'm thinking about it. The slow head nod does not always indicate agreement.

The second is a slightly faster head nod that says, You're right, I agree.

The third type of head nod is a much faster one that says, I agree and I'm excited by what I'm hearing.

Try them on your relatives and see what happens.

Fifth Signal: Body Language

When you are sitting, the way you position your body indicates your level of interest in the person talking and what the person is telling.

Everything is important.

As a general rule, keep your entire body turned toward the other person. When crossing your legs, make sure your top leg and knee are pointing toward the person. When speaking, keep your arms open and use your hands for emphasis. This way you communicate openness and receptivity.

When you're standing, keep an eye on the distance between you and the other person. Monitor your own response when people get too close or too far away from you to determine how much space is appropriate. Then, using what you've learned, position yourself in relation to others. If a person moves closer to you, it means you were too far away; if the person moves away from you, it means you were invading their comfort zone.

Circles of Communication 

Imagine three circles, with you at the center. The first circle is approximately two feet in diameter from you to the other person. This is the private or intimate area, which is dedicated for intimate partners and family members. If another person enters this circle you will feel uncomfortable.  You will probably think that the person is aggressive and is trying to intimidate. 

The second circle is two to six feet away from you and is dedicated for social or professional interactions. When you want to be attractive in these situations, then try keeping this distance. 

Finally, the third circle is eight or ten feet in diameter. This is the circle of safe distance that you use between yourself and strangers. Any sudden movement from this space into your social space by someone you don't know, will cause you to become conscious and alert.

Sixth Signal: Avoiding this Body Language

Just as there is a positive body language which increases your attractiveness, there is also a negative body language which has a negative impact on people and you can find them a lot among bad listeners. And, there is a chance that you are also adapting these behaviours as well.  If this is the case, stay aware of avoiding the following behaviours in the future.

Bad listeners make the mistake of turning their heads toward the speaker while their bodies are inclined away from the speaker.  basically show that you don't really care what the person is saying, but you're pretending to.

Bad listeners also cross their legs so that their top leg and knee are pointing away from the speaker, creating a barrier between them and the speaker. This causes the message to not be delivered efficiently.  

Also, when you slouch in your chair, you send a negative message that you want to get away from the speaker. To solve this, you can just  sit up straight and avoid letting your back touch the back of the chair.

When listening, many people make the mistake of folding their arms. This posture, similar to crossing the legs, is a way of blocking out what a speaker is saying. You can avoid this by keeping your arms unfolded and your hands open to demonstrate sincerity and genuine interest.

Try to be aware of how others react. When you notice one or more of these negative signals, the listener is telling you on an unconscious level that he is either uninterested in what you are saying or strongly disagrees with it. These contradictory signals may reveal that the other person is frustrated about something else and cannot pay any attention to you until that problem is resolved. 

Seventh Signal: Vocal Reassurance  

You'll recognize that great, active listeners always make noises like Uh-huh, Aah, hm, or other random noises. These are referred to as vocal reassurances. They are distinctive signs of someone who is paying close attention. They are easily recognized and hugely appreciated by the speaker, and they boost your attractiveness as a listener .

Eight Signal: Verbal Reassurance  

Attractiveness requires vocal reassurance. However, when combined with verbal reassurance, they have twice the impact. When you combine eye contact, flicks, correct body posture, and head nods, you make a great impression on people—but when you add the power of vocal and verbal commentary, you become a completely captivating communicator.

Noncommittal words and phrases constitute the first form of verbal reassurance. They are classified as noncommittal because they do not imply that you agree with what is being said. Words and phrases like I see, Really? and Well, is that so? remind folks that you are listening and keeping up with them while remaining neutral. In general or casual conversation, noncommittal words or phrases are used as courteous reassurances. They are used a lot during small talk at cocktail parties and other social gatherings.

When you are ready to commit and want to accept or support what is being said, you use words and phrases like Yes, without a doubt, I agree, absolutely, and so on. Always be certain that you want to make such comments before making them.

Tone of voice has also an impact when processing a person's words. Have you ever said something to upset someone, then claimed your innocence by saying, But I only said such and such? Typically, the other person immediately responds, It's not the words you said; it's your tone of voice.

Practice

Practice makes perfect, as the saying goes, and it is the truth. If you want to master any skill, especially becoming attractive, you must be able to make a few mistakes and feel a little awkward at times. According to this, anything worth doing well is worth doing badly at first.

You should acquire the support of a friend to boost your attractiveness and self confidence when practicing all of your communication skills. Think of this person to be your sparring partner, with whom you can practice making mistakes before entering the ring of social and professional communication. This form of exercise can be advantageous to both of you.

Start by explaining what you're attempting to accomplish. Explain to your friend the importance of listening skills in becoming an attractive communicator.

During this exercise, your friend should sit in front of you, as if you were sharing a cup of coffee. You will try to respond to your friend's conversation only by listening. Then you'll ask your partner for feedback on how involved you appeared to be. Ask your friend to avoid asking questions and instead talk to you at length about whatever comes to mind, similar to delivering a monologue.

Also, emphasize at the outset that you are committed to learning these listening skills, and that it would be extremely beneficial if there were no joking around or distractions when practicing this exercise.  

The Impact of Patient Listening

Always take the time to think about what's going on with the person or people you're speaking with—that is, their emotional level—before you stop listening and start speaking. If the other person is excited, angry, or unhappy, it's still listening time for you, no matter how many ideas you have.

Please be patient. Allow them to blow off some steam. When they're ready, they'll ask for your input, and if they need answers, they'll ask questions. Sometimes a person's emotions and the logic of the listener clash like oil and water.

What you say and how you say it are both important.

The very first step to becoming an attractive person is to improve your listening skills. And sooner or later, it will be your turn to speak. What you say and how you say it are critical components in your ability to persuade and charm others.

The Way You Look at Others

The rules for eye contact when speaking differ from the rules for eye contact when listening. When you're having a one-on-one conversation with someone, look at their eyes no more than 85 percent of the time. Maintaining constant eye contact puts too much pressure on you. You effectively push the other person to the wall with that much eye contact. You come to appear too intense rather than attractive. 

How would you feel if someone is trying to talk to you and never look away? It can be intimidating and even disturbing. Notice how bad guys in movies make that kind of unmovable eye contact when speaking.

When speaking in front of a group, gently move your gaze from person to person, one at a time. Make eye contact with people to reach out and include them in what you're saying, as if you were scooping them into the discussion. Everyone you're speaking with should sense the strength of your warmth and attention.

The Look Aside

When you are the one speaking, the look-aside is an effective communication technique. A quick glimpse to one side or the other of the listener's head occurs when you temporarily shift your focus from the person's eyes to the side of the face.

Look-asides should be done rarely and casually. Never look above the listener's head