Networking for People Who Hate Networking: A Field Guide For Introverts, the Overwhelmed, and the Underconnected

INTRODUCTION

this book is required reading

Only connect.

—E. M. Forster, Howards End

Learning Latin in Greek

On my first day of grad school at Cornell University, I attended microeconomics. The professor, in an attempt to calm our first-year jitters, explained in soothing tones that he would be showing a lot of graphs, yet there was no need to panic. He said, Think of graphs as flowcharts, and you’ll be fine. As an arts professional with no background whatsoever in economics, I suddenly felt dizzy as my vision blurred. I had never heard of a flowchart. I was doomed.

I now describe the experience of those first few weeks in business school as like trying to learn Latin in Greek … except I didn’t know Greek either. No matter how earnestly I took notes, a few hours later I had no idea what they meant.

A comparable pitfall exists when a self-declared non-networker tries hard to follow networking rules written for a different species altogether. There is no point of reference. No mental bucket exists in which to dump the data. The data is fine. It is just in a foreign language. This networking book, on the other hand, is written in language spoken and understood by introverts, the overwhelmed, and the underconnected. What luck! You finally have a chance at a passing grade.

By the way, for many years now I have been invited back to teach networking at Cornell. I have not yet been asked to lecture on economics, however.

Networking for People Who Hate Networking

Why would such a book exist? Isn’t it a bit like giving quiche recipes to people allergic to eggs and cheese? Or surrounding oneself with fragrant flowers despite suffering from severe hay fever? If you have an aversion to something not absolutely necessary, why not occupy your life with alternative endeavors? Why torture yourself?

These are solid questions. Thanks for asking.

Allow me to begin by saying I agree 100 percent. Do not waste a single precious hour on an activity you hate! Still, you don’t get off the hook that easily. You don’t get to place this book back on the shelf (or e-shelf, as the case may be), proclaiming yourself oil to networking’s vinegar.

Instead, I am going to perform the astounding trick of making networking enjoyable and rewarding. All without mind-altering substances! So find a comfy chair or patch of grass, crease this spine, and commit. You won’t regret it.

Our field guide begins by politely examining—and then shatt ering to pieces—traditional networking truisms. Commandments along the lines of:

∎   Promote yourself constantly.

∎   More contacts = higher probability of success.

∎   Never eat alone.

∎   Create nonstop touchpoints.

∎   Get out there as much as possible.

Until my first edition hit the presses, networking books were all writt en for people of a particular temperament—the very personality style already predisposed to relish the prospect of spearing cheese in a room full of bustling strangers.

Turns out this personality type comprises a paltry 15 percent of the general population.* I am certain this is an unintended oversight on the part of other, well-meaning authors. Nevertheless, smoke comes out of my ears just thinking about it. The other 85 percent of humankind is dismissed. Misled. Bamboozled. It is time to take back our rightful share of the networking world.

Along the way we will discover the enormous value of leveraging our natural style when networking. No more stamping out our instincts.

Why Bother?

What’s that you’re mumbling? You don’t like networking and have no interest, anyway? It drains you? It never works? You don’t have time? You don’t need to? It’s phony, self-serving, fake, inauthentic, superficial, conniving, manipulative, and useless?

Hold it right there. Take a sip of water. Pull yourself together.

Introverts, the overwhelmed, and the underconnected fail at traditional networking by following advice never intended for us in the first place.

In my experience, people who proclaim that they hate networking also believe they are not good at it. In fact, the reverse is true. You have the raw materials to be a stellar networker. You are simply following the wrong rules. Standard networking advice fails you, so you assume you fail at networking. Plus, you hate it.

Finally, you can learn a method of networking in keeping with the real you. Not a moment too soon!

What’s at Stake?

Only whatever you most want to accomplish in your life. No biggie.

Networking allows you to achieve your potential. Think of a Big Goal. Do you want to find a job, score a promotion, make a new contact, improve the world, expand your influence, sell a product, provide a service, write a book, seal a deal, improve collaboration, build a reputation, achieve your dream, widen your circles, or grow a business?

Networking will further your aim. In over twenty years as an executive coach, I have never met a person who did not benefit substantially from learning how to network—on his or her own terms.

What is networking, really? Networking is the art of building and maintaining mutually beneficial connections for shared positive outcomes.

Real networking is connecting.

Authenticity yields valuable, resilient networks. Ready for a networking system reliant on being true to yourself, mobilizing qualities you already have? Learn to work with, rather than fight against, your lovable introverted, overwhelmed, and/or underconnected self. Honoring your temperament is the secret to achieving your highest potential. Previously labeled liabilities are now your finest strengths.

Enticed?

Return on Investment (ROI)

Time is your most valuable asset (unless, perhaps, you are spectacularly wealthy). What about this field guide merits devoting a couple hours of your precious time to it rather than all the other competing options out there?

a.  You will discover a super-effective, groundbreaking method of networking described in accessible, easy-to-understand language.

b.  You will gain dozens of practical tips while learning clear, relevant action steps with direct application to your own networking goals.

c.  You will benefit from myriad real-life examples spanning many fields.

Grab a pen; you’ll need it. There is no such thing as a free ride. Glad to have you along.

*Myers, McCaulley, Quenk, and Hammer, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Manual (Saint Paul, MN: Consulting Psychologist Press, 1998).

CHAPTER 1

welcome to your field guide

Trust yourself. Then you will know how to live.

—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

People swear up and down that I’m an extrovert.

This drives me nuts! I deny these accusations adamantly and then am subjected to a laundry list of supposed examples as to why I am mistaken. But you’re high energy! You give presentations for a living! You wrote a networking book, for crying out loud!

Blah, blah, blah.

These people have no idea what it really means to be an introvert. They assume being an introvert by definition implies that one cannot be a lively, confident person or astute networker.

Together, we will dispute, disprove, and knock upside the head these assumptions.

Your Author and Tour Guide

As we embark through the uncharted terrain of networking for people who hate networking, you want to be certain you are in capable hands. Why am I qualified to lead you on this journey?

First of all, despite protests from well-intentioned, ill-advised naysayers, I am an off-the-chart introvert. I am also nearly always overwhelmed and decidedly underconnected. My idea of a good time is hanging out alone. I regularly have conversations with people in my head that I think actually took place. I need time to process ideas thoroughly before responding—or I get myself into trouble. The idea of a free-floating happy hour propels me into free-floating anxiety. A cacophony of external stimuli doesn’t excite me; it drives me away. I easily and naturally pick up on nonverbal cues many others miss. I prefer a few deep relationships to a large group of friends.

As you’ve undoubtedly noted, none of these preferences are linked to energy level, a propensity for public speaking, or professional achievement. That’s because these attributes are not related to introversion.

Let’s have some fun. I will present examples of traits that, to the untrained eye, may seem extrovert-centric, but with a bit of analysis emerge as introvert-friendly.

I am Type A and move fast.

Quack experts profess that introverts are somehow slower paced than extroverts. This is baloney. Introverts are as likely as the next person to be highly active. Introversion ≠ lethargy! In fact, due to a penchant for heightened concentration and attentiveness, introverts are well positioned to be dynamos.

I am comfortable in front of a room.

Whoa! This combats most introvert stereotypes head on. Yet introverts are entirely capable of being public speakers. In fact, introverts prefer clearly defined roles, so many are more at ease in front of a group than roaming aimlessly through a cocktail party.

I love networking.

Herein lies the book’s focus. This was not always the case for me. I discovered some wonderful techniques that turned the world of networking upside down—or shall I say right side up? You, too, can gain insights that allow you to excel at networking. You can be a networking superstar.

Seem impossible? I am here to tell you it is not.

A Brief History of the Introvert

Many readers of this book are introverts. Many have been taught through cultural cues that introversion is a problem, a deficit, something unfortunate to hide or overcome.

From a young age, introverts receive the message that it is an extrovert’s world. Go play with others. Join in on the game. Class participation is part of your grade. Kids who withdraw around crowds are labeled as antisocial rather than applauded for being self-regulating.

Introversion is innate, and preferences are observable early on. As a kid, I asked for games to play alone—a request that could prompt some parents to conduct a thorough psychological examination. As a parent now myself, I recognized traits indicating an introverted preference in one of my sons from the age of three.

THE BIG THREE

Introverts are reflective, focused, and self-reliant. These characteristics lead to the following key distinctions between introverts and extroverts:

Why not indulge yourself and utilize all three characteristics at once? Take some time to ponder these traits (reflective), in depth (focused), while alone (self-reliant). I’ll wait here.

Regardless of temperament, linking your strengths to customized methods puts you in a primo position to network away. Introverts, extroverts, and centroverts (definition ahead!) can all benefit from this field guide.

Did I mention that I am psychic? I sense you are curious where you land in all this. Right this way …

CHAPTER 2

assess yourself

We do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are.

—Anaïs Nin

Reverse It Quiz

1. Why do extroverts have voicemail?

2. Why do introverts have voicemail?

Answers:

1. To never miss a call.

2. To never answer the phone.

Identical actions can spring from divergent motivations. This point reminds us there is more to behavior than meets the eye. Some claim that observing an action is proof of another’s motivation. This is never true. Inferences reveal only the observer’s bias. The reasons behind behaviors reveal intentions.

Judging others? You’ve got it wrong.

Judging others is a misguided waste of time. Take responsibility for you. Presuming to know what’s right for everyone else is a rookie mistake.

Despite his effort to get to know other executives, David may not be up for socializing every morning of the program. An opportune time for a pop quiz! What are the four most dreaded words to an introvert who has just alighted upon an empty breakfast nook, gleefully anticipating a quiet meal?

Answer: May I join you?

MENTAL ELASTICITY

Physical flexibility requires pliable muscles. Maintaining and building dexterity necessitates an ongoing commitment. Mental agility—the ability to customize responses based on circumstances—also requires continual development. This talent allows us to adapt on the fly.

Conveniently, our pals the neuroscientists (always there when needed) have a name for this phenomenon: elasticity. Mental elasticity can be learned and developed. This term describes the ability to be flexible in our approach to situations. Thinking in new ways builds elasticity.

From creative problem solving to crossword puzzles, anything that stretches the mind contributes to the development of a healthy, pliant mindset. Elasticity keeps brains youthful, prepared to meet challenges with fast, inspired responses.

Assessments increase elasticity by broadening your understanding of personality dimensions. Perceiving differences and identifying similarities enhances our acceptance of others. Consider this for a mantra:

Do not compare my insides with other people’s outsides.

Negative judgments often stem from using one’s internal state to critique another’s external behavior. My need to work uninterrupted may clash with your need to break up tasks with frequent, spontaneous conversations. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. People function in very different ways.

An extroverted client described herself at our initial