A Woman in Search of...

Chapter 1

Wendy sat in the waiting room for the psychologist to call her into her office. She didn’t want to see a psychologist, but she saw no alternative. Wendy’s life had been shattered. She tried to make changes to help herself, but she couldn’t do it alone.

The doctor’s door opened. She took a few steps toward Wendy and shook her hand. Hi, I’m Dr. Lewis, please come in Mrs. Murray.

Thank you.

As they walked in the doctor indicated the chair across from her desk for Wendy. Wendy sat at the edge of the chair her hands clenched into fists.

How may I help you?

Wendy calmed herself and let go of her fists, pushing her chin length, auburn hair behind her ears. She struggled to get the words out. I recently separated from my husband, Scott, and it was hurtful and difficult. I’m not sure how to move forward. The one thing I know I want to do is find a new job. For six years, I’ve been manager of the Women’s Clothing Department at Hammond’s Department Store, but I’m bored with it.

I’m sorry about the separation. What bores you about your job?

The constant repetition of what I do. Since I’m starting my life over, I’d like to find work that I will be happy with and will move my life in a new direction.

Before we go into that, please explain why you are separated from your husband.

Wendy grunted and gritted her teeth. We were together for two years before we got married eight months ago. Six months ago, Scott found a new job and within a few months, it literally became his life. There was no time for us. We used to travel, go out with friends, and spend time together. When he was home, he didn’t want to do anything, just watch TV and complain about so many things I did, like the food I made, my hair style, Wendy blurted out in anger. She closed her eyes and calmed herself. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell out like that.

It’s okay.

I tried to make improvements, really I did, but it didn’t matter. Things kept upsetting him. Tears fell down her checks.

Dr. Lewis took some tissues to her. Wendy looked up at the nice-looking woman with deep brown eyes and long blond hair and thanked her. The doctor sat down and waited.

After wiping away the tears Wendy continued. I considered it might have been my being overweight that made him lose interest, but he never said anything about my weight. I put up with the loneliness for a long time because I kept thinking things might change, but they didn’t. I talked to him about marriage counseling, but he adamantly opposed it. I couldn’t take the rejection anymore.

I certainly understand how very difficult that was for you. Dr. Lewis took a few notes.

It was horrible. Wendy looked away for a few seconds, turning back to the doctor. There is something else.

Go ahead.

Wendy hesitated before the words spilled out. I grew up feeling the same rejection from my dad. He was fine until my mom died when I was twelve. After her death he complained about much of what I did. ‘Go back to your room and comb your hair better.’ ‘Sit up in your chair.’ He came up to my college once but never said anything nice about my room, my goals, my classes. He spent all his time with his friends and watching TV. He never wanted to have a serious talk. I felt neglected and unloved. And Scott made me feel the same way.

So, you felt abandoned by both?

Oh yes. With my dad we lived together but apart. When I met Scott, he was so caring and fun to be with, I thought I had found someone to love and be loved. But when he got involved with his new job his devotion to it took precedence.

Can we talk about Scott’s job?

He works for an import/export company. This job takes him out of state and sometimes out of the country. At home he was tired and didn’t want to do anything, except the stupid TV. Sorry, I’m repeating myself. When I suggested doing something, he poo pooed it.

And your marriage, can you share about that?

It started out great, fun times together or with friends and relatives or traveling. With the involvement in his work, it all stopped. He was all about himself, just like my dad. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, so we separated.

I can certainly understand what you’ve been through, it’s been tough. You mentioned you are bored with your job. Is there something else you’d like to do?

Not that I can think of. My big interest is gardening but I’m not sure how I could use that to make a living.

Maybe think about gardening and how you could develop a program with your managing experience. What else interests you?

Wendy stared straight ahead. I don’t really have any other interests. I’ve been gardening since I was a child and have always loved watching plants grow and flowers bloom.

Dr. Lewis stared at Wendy and smiled. Sounds like a wonderful hobby.

Oh, it is.

When the session ended Wendy sat in her car thinking about all the questions Dr. Lewis asked. She leaned her head against the car seat going over the discussions about Scott and her dad being so similar with their indifference to her. As tears dribbled down her face, she thought how awful the start of 1973 had been.

Once inside her house she stared around the living room. Since Scott left right after New Year’s, the quiet, empty house was disturbing and lonely filled with terrible memories. As soon as she could put those memories away the house would bring peacefulness. She did have good memories too. She realized how truly lucky she was. Since she was an only child, her parents left her this house with all the beautiful decorations and furniture, and a comfortable inheritance. Wendy smiled when she knew her life would move on, she just needed to figure out how.

Wendy stood, started out of the living room but stopped. She opened the China cabinet near the fireplace. Scott forgot to take three old, tarnished tennis trophies. She got a bag from the kitchen, dumped the trophies in, shoving them into a closet. One less memory to look at. She returned to the living room and leaned against the arch. She admired the homey atmosphere and the attractive placement of the sofa and coffee table across from the fireplace. Wendy’s favorite chair of soft blue and winter-white floral print stood near the fireplace. Against the soft beige walls were framed scenic pictures of the ocean and the mountains. They brought a calmness to the room, along with the open blinds welcoming the afternoon sunlight. ‘I will not let Scott keep me from moving on,’ Wendy told herself.

She changed into sweats and headed out to the greenhouse that filled a corner of her backyard. She fell in love with gardening when she was ten, spending many happy hours with her mom, dad, and cousin, Jake, working with orchids, fuchsias, ferns and other varieties of shade plants. A family hobby where they enjoyed sharing their ideas and puttering in the greenhouse. Wendy chuckled out loud when she remembered a fun time with Jake. While using the hose to water the plants, he suddenly sprayed her with water. She looked down and saw she was soaking wet. Jake and her parents all laughed…Wendy joined in.

Wendy took the trowel and clippers from the greenhouse and went outside where she weeded and picked off the remains of old flowers. The air chilled and she headed into the house leaving the gardening tools on the patio table.

She went through the kitchen, stopping at the living room doorway. Her sense of peace floundered as images of her marriage filled her head. She stared at the sofa. How often she and Scott sat on it, as they enjoyed the warmth of the fireplace, or just the warmth of each other. She couldn’t stop the memories from flooding back.

Scott, where are you? Wendy called out as she walked into the house.

In the bedroom.

Hi, I just talked to…why are you packing? she asked, looking at the suitcase on the bed.

I have a ten o’clock flight to Hong Kong.

How long will you be gone this time?

A week, maybe a bit longer. Don’t know for sure until I see how things go. Would you get my white tee shirts from the drawer?

Wendy pulled out the shirts. I wish you didn’t have to go. This is the second trip in a month.

I have to go now because of the holiday season. It’s a good time to bargain.

Will you be home for Christmas?

Probably, but you never know with the import/export business.

Wendy tried to control her anger. Why can’t someone else go?

Scott’s eyes opened wide, and he gave a long, strange smile. Because I got the offer and wanted it, so I took it.

His gruff response was menacing, but she calmed herself and tried to relax, clasping her hands in front of her. Why can’t you find a job that keeps you from traveling so much?

Scott glared at her. Sorry, but this is my job and I like it. Why don’t you stop being bitchy and accept this reality? You were okay when I started this job.

It’s just I never expected you’d be gone this much.

Why don’t you stop complaining and think of me and my needs instead of what you want…you have everything. I need these opportunities for what I want.

What’s that?

A career I’m proud of and do well in so I can work my way to a top position. I need to keep pushing myself so I can be more successful.

To me, you are successful.

Well, I don’t think so. It’s not about you, Wendy. And you should be proud that I want more success than I have now.

But we never have time to be together. All I want is for us to have time for each other. We haven’t done anything together for months, including sex.

Scott turned and gawked. You’re being selfish. Find something to do while I’m gone. Get more involved in your job or go work in your garden. Quit bitching at me.

Wendy opened her mouth to speak but changed her mind. She knew any retaliation would cause her anger to explode and she couldn’t handle what that may lead to. She squinted at Scott. He closed his suitcase and Wendy followed him to the front door. He didn’t say a word but opened the door and left. His meanness and anger convinced her there was nothing left in their marriage.

The doorbell startled Wendy from her dismal memories. As soon as she opened the front door Cindy Rose charged in, loaded with paper bags filled with dinner. As roommates in college, they became best friends and remained so. Wendy liked their friendship because they always spoke the truth, and there was no pretense nor game playing. They shared almost everything, including their ages, thirty-two. Wendy loved Cindy’s energy, her go getter attitude.

Wendy glanced at her watch as Cindy headed toward the kitchen. I didn’t think you were coming for another half hour.

Teaching exhausted me today and I got hungry early. I’ll leave and come back if you want, Cindy kidded.

Very cute. I thought we’d eat at the coffee table.

          Groovy.

Cindy’s use of popular slang made Wendy laugh. Wendy had no interest in using it.

        In the living room Cindy plopped her 5’6" curvaceous figure onto the sofa. Wendy admired Cindy’s looks, unlike herself. Because of her short five-foot-two-inch stature plus extra pounds she carried Wendy felt less than desirable. Scott never said anything negative about her being overweight, so she never gave it much thought…but now she wondered if that was a reason, he didn’t want to be with her.

          Wendy sat next to her friend. So, what happened today?

Cindy handed Wendy a large container filled with sweet and sour chicken. One of my eighth-grade students refused to do any work. He sat at his desk staring at the blackboard. I asked him what the problem was, and he said, Nothing. I left him alone and he put his head down. After school I talked to the counselor. She’ll call him in tomorrow and find out what the issue, or issues might be. It wasn’t like him to act that way. He’s usually a good and an engaged kid. I felt sorry for him. All day I couldn’t get his sad face out of my mind. I was bummed out.

          I’m sorry.

          Thanks. How was your meeting with the psychologist? Dr. Lewis, right? Cindy asked as she popped a fried wonton from her noodles.

Yes, and it was fine. Wendy took her sweet and sour chicken out of the container and heaped it onto a paper plate she laid out earlier.

Just fine? Cindy swallowed the rest of the wonton and chomped on part of another one.

I don’t know how to judge the meeting. It seemed okay. Wendy took a bite of her chicken.

            So, like what did you talk about?

Memories swirled in her head, I really don’t want to discuss it.

Chill out, I didn’t ask for your answers, just the questions. Besides, I thought we shared.

After inhaling deeply, she let it out, We discussed the separation, but to be honest, other than that, she shrugged her shoulders. There’s nothing to share. You already know everything about Scott. She started to eat but stopped. I still can’t get over how Scott changed so much, leaving me out and devoting every hour of his day to work…his new love, or the TV. The birth control pills were a waste.

Wendy, I… Cindy stopped talking as she watched Wendy stare at the fireplace in front of them.

            What are you thinking about?

Wendy came out of her reverie. I don’t know. I’m confused and angry. Where did I go wrong?

Cindy focused on Wendy and smiled. You didn’t go wrong, Scott did.

Wendy looked at her and scowled. You’re right, I didn’t, he did. I’m so angry at him. Where do I go from here? Wendy used a napkin to wipe away the tears forming in the corner of her eyes. She took another bite of her chicken.

Cindy took a deep breath. I think a lot of what’s buggin’ you about Scott goes further back than your marriage.

Wendy swallowed her mouthful. What are you talking about?

You used to complain about how critical Scott was.

So?

Criticism is hard to deal with and I know your dad criticized you too much as a kid. It probably made you more sensitive and even harder to deal with Scott’s criticisms.

Wendy didn’t want to talk about her dad. She set her plate down and headed to the kitchen without saying a word. Cindy followed.

Well? Say something, Cindy said with concern.

Wendy stood next to the refrigerator. That’s bullshit, and a lot of Freudian crap. No one likes a husband who constantly berates you.

True.

What happened between Scott and me isn’t about my dad, it’s about how terrible Scott was to me. As Cindy leaned against the kitchen cabinet. Wendy could see Cindy’s mind working.

Perhaps, but your usual way of handling a difficult situation is to avoid it, or in this case, you and Scott split. It gave you an escape from working things out.

Thank you, Dr. Cindy. There’s nothing left to work out. Wendy took a Fresca and a Tab from the refrigerator.

Like, I’m sorry. I’ll shut up.

Wendy handed Cindy the Tab. As they returned to the living room Wendy caught a reflection of herself in the tall, glass front cabinet. She stopped mid step.

Strange time to admire yourself.

Wendy was remembering a few years earlier, when she went on a diet. She didn’t lose a lot of weight, but enough, so she felt better about herself. She remembered that Scott never complained about her weight, but he did comment on the loss. Unfortunately, she put the pounds back on.

She considered her lack of attractiveness. But many people complimented her on her pretty face with its smooth complexion, cute nose, endearing hazel eyes and shiny shoulder length, straight auburn hair. Scott never said she wasn’t pretty, but he rarely complimented her.

You read me like a book. I don’t know why I wanted to check myself out at this moment. Weird, huh? I know I’m overweight, but still…

Stop knocking yourself, Cindy said as she put her hand on Wendy’s shoulder.

They headed for the sofa. As they sat Cindy broke open her fortune cookie and read the fortune. Oh, you’re going to love this...‘someone new will bring new happiness.’ Can’t wait to see who he might be.

Wendy grumbled. And I can’t wait to find the man of my dreams cause it sure wasn’t Scott. I’m sorry I shouldn’t be dwelling on me.

It’s okay, you’re having a tough time, I understand. Cindy tossed the fortune on the coffee table and stretched her arms. By the way have you heard from Scott?" she asked as she started to crunch on another cookie.

Wendy winced. No, it’s only been six weeks since we separated. There’s no reason for him to call and I don’t believe for a minute he’s become someone different.

It could be interesting, a chance to talk.

          Wendy tried to read Cindy’s thoughts. You want me to go back to him, don’t you?

He’s rad, but not unless you want to. You two should talk though.

Talk about what? He loves his job and has no plans to leave it. He’s made it abundantly clear. If he tried to get back together with me now, I couldn’t trust anything he says. He’s all about him.

Wendy changed the subject to avoid further discussion of reconciliation. My greenhouse has become my solace, my escape into a world of calm and beauty. I want more of that beauty in my life. I love working in my garden and in the greenhouse.

Yes, those have always been your favorite places to be.

After hesitating for a second, Wendy smiled and stared at Cindy, I’ve decided I want more space for shade plants, so I’m going to open an indoor plant nursery especially since shade plants are the rage now.

Cindy stopped eating and gawked.

It’s one of the subjects I discussed with Dr. Lewis, my wanting something new in my life.

Holy shit! That blows my mind. Where did this come from?

Dr. Lewis asked about what I’d like to do since I don’t like my job. I didn’t have an answer for her. But, as I drove home, the idea popped into my head. Opening an indoor plant nursery is something I know I will be good at. At thirty-two I can start over in something I love to do, garden. Incredible excitement filled her. I’ll need to find a place and think about the design for it. There will be so much to do. You know I haven’t been happy as a clothing manager for a long time. This is a way to start my life over with something I love.

Your backyard greenhouse is great, but it’s not that big. I hate to play devil’s advocate, but do you think you’re taking on more than you can handle with a nursery?

Play devil’s advocate if you want, but no, I’m not taking on too much. I’ll work it out. Her plans bubbled up. First, I need to find a place. After that I’ll need to make calls about purchasing materials. There’s the business license and insurance that need to be handled. I’ll ask my attorney, who was my folks’ attorney, and he’ll help me with the legal end of the purchase. I’ll talk to my accountant. He’s been great keeping all my inheritance squared away including the stocks…so much to do, things I haven’t even thought about. It will be a challenge, but the reward will be well worth it.

Cindy grinned. I hope you don’t overlook anything.

I’m sure you’ll tell me if I do, Wendy smirked back.

Well, that’s what friends are for, right?

Yeah, you’re right. Wendy smiled feeling calmer than she had in days.

Chapter 2

After Cindy left Wendy walked into her study that used to be a bedroom. There are windows so she can see her yard. The desk is a large size so there’s room to spread out everything she needs. At the long and tall bookcase, she pulled out a book and leaned against the shelves as she flipped through, Shade Plants for the Garden. There were fabulous layouts of various ways to arrange a garden. She could transfer those ideas to the nursery, modify them and make them her own. She sat at her desk. She stopped at a picture resembling a forest filled with many ferns. She saw it as a refreshing environment. She closed her eyes to picture a forest scene indoors. She liked what she imagined. She shut the book but left it on the desk.

As she got ready for bed, she dwelled on the career she had now. For years Wendy wanted to be a Women’s Clothing Manager for a major department store. She accomplished that goal and proved successful at what she did at Hammond’s Department Store, known for their high fashion clothes. Wendy used to adore selecting outfits from all the beautiful and stylish clothes. They were purchased by the wealthy, including many celebrities. Seeing them added to the enjoyment of the job, especially when they complimented her when she made good suggestions like adding an accessory to an outfit. After six years of it, Wendy became bored. Because of her split from Scott, she knew this was a good time to find a different type of job.

Wendy’s attitude toward her own classic clothes changed. Where she used to take great pride in putting together fashion perfect outfits, with all the wonderful accessories, now she didn’t care so much. The compliments she always received about her great fashion sense, especially about her extensive variety of pant suits were always important to her. But now, avoiding many of the accessories that dressed them up was her plan and her high heeled shoes were no longer important, shorter ones being more comfortable. Wendy wanted a more relaxed lifestyle.

At work the next day, Wendy helped customers select different outfits. She couldn’t wait for the same old thing to end. As soon as it did, she returned home, and sat in her study energized as she worked on plans for the indoor plant nursery. She was about to go to the backyard when the doorbell stopped her.

Hey, Cindy said as she charged past Wendy and headed straight to the sofa, dropping into it. Wendy was impervious to Cindy’s strong-willed behavior…it was a part of the Cindy she knew. Wendy sat in the chair by the sofa. 

I have something primo to tell you, Cindy burst out.

So, you needed to rush here to tell me.

Cindy looked at her with an expression that said, Duh.

Okay, before you explode, what?

"Do you know