Raising a Wild Child: An Inside Perspective of a Neurodivergent Mind and How to Parent Those Who Cannot Be Parented

Introduction

There are a few things I’d like you to know about this book.

Firstly, it will not have chapters because it is mainly a series of thoughts. Some of these won’t be long enough for my autistic brain to allow them to be described as chapters … so the numbers (well, titles, because it looks better – are you getting the gist of how my literal mind works yet?) (This would be a good time to escape if brackets and ellipses are not your thing!) … anyway …

So, the titles at the top will indicate the start of a new thought or new ‘topic.’

Secondly, this book really won’t read like any other book you have read … The reason it has taken so long to write is that I’ve been trying to do it the standard book way. However, my brain simply does not function that way, and I’d bore you to tears if I tried to push through and write it like that.

It won’t have chapters and headings, and it will jump between I, we, they, and you because that is the way my brain operates (thank you, ADHD) … The context will ensure it is always clear and make it flow far more naturally.

Some bits may feel a little long-winded, and it will be clear that I am writing more detail than my brain wants, so it might feel a little unnatural. Bear with me, those are the bits I feel you really should know, but I haven’t managed to condense them into short, catchy snippets yet!

Thirdly, and most importantly, this is a book intended to be one of hope … a story of not just survival but of true living … of helping your child have that authentic, wonderous, magical experience of life that I finally have a glimpse of after decades of looking on through the fog. If it leaves you feeling any other way, I demand you email me and ask for your money back immediately.

This is a book about the human mind and relationships; there is nothing within it that cannot apply to every neurotype. Everything within it will help everybody understand themselves and have richer, more fulfilling lives and friendships. However, it is important to remember that while the adjustments are beneficial for all … they are crucial for some and can be the difference between flying and drowning.

Beneficial for all; crucial for some.

Prologue

I am writing this book because it simply does not exist.

I am writing this book to bring peace and understanding to your family.

I am writing this book because nobody wrote this book for me or my family.

I am writing this book to save your child’s mental health.

I am writing this book to save your child’s life.

I am writing this book because what I have learnt has saved my own.

I am writing this book because, for every family I reach, I save 11-year-old me all over again.

There are thousands of parenting books out there … from the deeply therapeutic to the most didactic behaviourist (I’m looking at you, Super Nanny). However, there are still thousands and thousands of families stuck in a parenting vacuum where, at best, the current advice doesn’t work; at worst, it is increasingly damaging their own and their children’s wellbeing.

We now have a deeper understanding of the impact of our generation’s, usually well-intentioned, parenting on the mental health of the nation, if not the world. We have seen suicide rates and the need for treatment for depression and anxiety soar, and we have blamed many aspects of current society for this. While, of course, it plays a part, there is overwhelming evidence that our early childhood experiences have the greatest impact on how we manage in the adult world.

Suicide rates amongst neurodivergent (ND) adults are nine times higher than the national average. The average life expectancy for an autistic or ADHD adult is 49. Deaths are mainly attributed to dying by suicide, but also due to self-medication through drugs, alcohol, food and risky lifestyles in response to a lack of support and understanding.

The number of ND people in prison, youth offending institutions, exclusion units, mental health organisations, and living on the streets is grossly disproportionate to those without ND.

Anxiety and depression are not, I repeat, are NOT part of the diagnostic criteria for being neurodivergent. They are a by-product of growing up and living in a world that is not willing to meet your neurotype halfway. It puts all the pressure on the ND individual to adapt and work against their natural state of being.

All humans have core strengths and barriers. In the majority, neurotypical barriers are already understood, and allowed for, within the world they have created … However, for those not born within that majority, the barriers lead to anxiety because nobody else seems to be struggling to ‘do the simple thing’ … Then there is guilt about why we are apparently so capable one minute but so incapable the next. (We really do internalise all those words: You’re just not trying hard enough; if only you focused/weren’t so lazy/just got on with it … ) Ultimately, this leads to the most corrosive of emotions – shame, and the cycle of destruction begins.

This book aims to peel back those layers to take you and your child on a journey to celebrating the wonder that is the neurodivergent mind. To portray it as a superpower while it is still causing so much pain is an insult to those who feel broken and powerless. First, we must:

• Understand – What do I/they need? Why? Why has it been so hard?

Then

• Accept – There are barriers and limits, especially in a world not created for a particular neurotype … This is neither good nor bad in itself; it just IS!

Then

• Strategise – Implement practical ways to overcome the barriers and limitations that have been identified.

Very soon

• Life feels a little more manageable … a little less overwhelming and difficult.

Then

• Thrive