Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Read this book to protect yourself, your daughters, your sisters, mothers, and friends from abusers.

This book should be required reading for everyone

I found this book very insightful. It perfectly describes the frustration involved when dealing with the multiple faces of manipulation. I highly recommend it for anyone who is suffering or has ever suffered, or who know someone who has suffered from abuse. It’s validating and informative and helps to scrub myths and wishful thinking from your mind.

Non-fiction about abusive thinking, and how an abuser uses power and control to dominate a partner. It also covers such topics as how to recognize an abuser, types of abuse, myths about abusive behavior, how to leave an abuser, and how the legal system may or may not help a victim. The author also makes a case for social changes needed to make abuse less prevalent. I thought it might cover the scientific research in the field, but it is mainly focused on the author’s extensive experience running programs to help people overcome abusive behavior. Unfortunately, successful outcomes are rare. Recommended to readers interested in psychology, human behavior, information on abusive relationships, therapists/counselors, or anyone connected to the legal or court system that could help in domestic abuse cases. This book provides many resources for obtaining assistance. I think it may also help early recognition of abuse to avoid further involvement.

Abuser: men who chronically make their partners feel mistreated or devalued.

Whether you're favored or disdained,
nothing can leave you satisfied.
You whimper if you're turned away
you sneer if you've been gratified.
--Sor Juana

This review is by an ex-wife of an abuser, who still has to tolerate him in her life. I have studied abusers for many years, trying to find out why my ex-husband is such a miserable excuse for a husband. This author elaborated on some of the things I already know. I took the things that pertain most to my ex-husband, and made a document, titled Arnold the Abuser, Deconstructed. Every time this pathetic human tries to reduce me to tears, tries to scorn me, blabs on in his annoying manner about the way he is so much smarter than everyone else, I can turn to my Arnold the Abuser document and reread how he thinks of himself, how he came to be this way (machista father), and feel pity for the poor fool. Idiots who throw happiness away with both hands.

I've been fortunate enough never to have to deal with partner abuse in my life or the life of anyone close to me, but this is a fascinating, revealing book anyway. I was continually struck by Bancroft's radical compassion, his willingness to see the roots and supports of abuse in so many everyday situations, and his determination to dig them out. (He doesn't seem to believe that women can be abusers, and I'm willing to believe that that's true for the kind of abuse he's describing, which is very much a consequence of a misogynist, patriarchal culture. But just like people of color can be racist, women can be abusive, but it'll look different than it does coming from the culturally dominant force. Take this book as relevant to patriarchal abuse, and consider a different slant for dealing with female abusers.)

Abuse is about entitlement, not anger. It results from misogynistic attitudes, not emotions. As a result, conventional therapy directed at understanding emotions won’t work and may be counterproductive. Abusers sssentially always engage in calculation: they can always answer questions like, you hit her, but why didn’t you break her bones? Why didn’t you kill her? So they don’t lose control entirely, but that explanation is very useful to them. Instead, they abuse because they think they're justified. Abusers believe they're entitled to all a partner's attention and efforts. As a result, any attempt to get him to consider her is an attack and an injury, to which he may justly respond with punishment.

I was incredibly struck by the similarities to other assertions of male privilege. It goes way beyond men thinking that women are dominating a conversation when they reach 30% participation (Bancroft points out that abusers think this because they think that zero participation is the appropriate level for women). Consider this Mother Jones story, where a gun advocate bullies deliberately while accusing his peaceful interlocutors of harming him:
Jones and his camera crew began cornering members of [Moms Demand Action]. The women told him they weren't interested in talking on camera, but he kept at it.

An older couple walked over to intervene, the man telling Jones, "A gun grab is something that nobody in this country wants." Jones got in the man's face, hands gesticulating, chest puffed out. "Well sir, all I can say is you're really gettin' in my space!"

"Well, why don't you back up?" the man said.

"No, I'm not gonna back up." Jones retorted, inching in closer. "You're the one got in my space." He glanced over to his camera crew. "Look at this, look at this guy."

The woman tried to pull her husband away. "All right, go ahead," Jones continued. "Listen, I don't want to beat an old guy up," he added, poking the man's chest. "So don't touch me."
I don’t doubt that Jones really believed that he was not the aggressor. That’s part of what makes him and people like him so dangerous: to him, everyone else—especially women—is asking for it.

What a great book! I think all women should read this book, even those not in a relationship with an abusive man.

This book is written by a man who has worked with abusers for 15 years. He is writing to the partners (usually women) to help explain what abuse is, why someone who is abusive is different from someone who just needs some therapy, why it's so hard some times to get others to believe that great guy is abusive, and what to do next.

The book is well written. The explanation that abusive behavior is based on values and beliefs, not just bad emotional responses or anger management issues helps put make it clear why this is so dangerous and hard to "fix". He also addresses the good and the bad of the legal system and society in changing what is accepted.

I recommend this book to all women (you may have a friend who needs your support some day) and everyone in any form of law enforcement or court related positions, clergy, counselors, school teachers and counselors. Everyone would benefit from understanding more about what makes abusive men abusive and what can be done.