I Feel Heard: How to Speak the Language of Emotions, Validate, and Truly Listen

I Feel Heard:

How to Speak the Language of Emotions, Validate, and Truly Listen

By Patrick King

Social Interaction and Conversation Coach at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com

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Copyright © 2024 Patrick King

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Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: Understanding Emotional Validation

What do we do when we validate?

Normalization

Practicing non-judgment

Six levels of validation

Imago dialogue script

Chapter 2: Speaking the Language of Emotion

Emotional acknowledgement

Affect labelling for emotional regulation

Helping others identify their emotional triggers

Using compliments

Chapter 3: Become a Master of Empathetic Listening

When we listen, we validate

The art of holding space

The power of silence

Listening for emotional metaphors

Active constructive responding

Chapter 4: What Not to Do

Emotionally invalidating responses

Avoid giving unwanted advice

Fighting toxic positivity

Self-disclosure

Chapter 5: Validation in the Face of Conflict

When is validation not the best approach?

Do not validate narcissistic people

Validation during disagreements

Don’t gaslight!

The responsibility to self-validate

Introduction

The modern world is a noisy place. With more than 8 billion of us as of 2024, it can feel like there are a lot of voices out there, each one desperate to be heard. Everyone wants to feel like they matter, and for the things they say to be heard and taken seriously. Few people are as interested in learning how to do the reverse, that is, how to really listen to others.

If you’ve picked up this book, then you are likely already convinced of the magic of learning to truly listen to people, to empathize with them, and to help them feel deeply understood and accepted. While our first impulse in communication is often to make sure that people understand us, the truth is that one of the best ways to improve relationships is to reverse this tendency, and get curious about other people, instead.

By being curious about others, you can learn:

•      to understand exactly what emotional validation is (and isn’t), and why people crave it so much.

•      how to use the language of emotion to quickly reach people on a deep and sincere level.

•      how to really listen (hint: so-called active listening is just the beginning).

•      how to navigate emotionally difficult conversations, whether that’s with loved ones, strangers, or colleagues.

The great thing is that these kinds of skills are available to anyone willing to learn.

Learning to emotionally validate someone just may be the quickest, easiest, and most enjoyable way to:

•      Build greater intimacy and closeness

•      Support and help others in ways that matter

•      Create more authentic and resilient connections

•      Smooth over conflict

•      Make it more likely that your emotional needs will be met in turn.

In the chapters that follow we’ll cover all of these, as well as some oft neglected ground, namely, what to do in situations where validation is actually the wrong response, and what to do about things like narcissism and gaslighting. Whatever your motivations and your current communication skills, rest assured that with a little willingness to put these principles into practice, you will soon be the kind of person that people trust, open up to, and love talking to. Let’s dive in!

Chapter 1: Understanding Emotional Validation

Has anybody ever spoken to you in a way that made you feel completely worthless and unimportant?

Has anybody ever said or done something that made it seem like your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, or desires simply weren’t legitimate or didn’t matter?

Chances are, when that happened it made you feel misunderstood, disrespected, or maybe even a little crazy. What you felt was invalidated. This feeling you experienced is exactly what we’re trying to avoid creating in others as we learn to respect, acknowledge, and accept their emotional realities.

In this first chapter we’re going to get clear on exactly what we mean by the word validation, and what it means to invalidate someone. We’ll explore the importance of normalizing someone’s emotions, and utilize some easy-to-follow steps, scripts, and outlines to help you begin your own practice of being a more emotionally validating communicator.

What do we do when we validate?

On a basic level, the word valid describes something sound, reasonable, rational, and logical. We use this word to talk about things that have a recognizable basis in fact, which we accept as more or less real. When we apply this word to someone’s feelings and emotions, we are essentially saying, the way you feel is sound and reasonable, and I accept it as legitimate. Even more simply, emotional validation means we appraise someone’s inner experience as something that makes sense.

If we take the attitude that someone’s emotional experience doesn’t make sense, then we invalidate them. We may decide their perspective is weird, crazy, wrong, misguided, inferior, or just plain bad. We may judge, minimize, or even punish them for their emotions, and this can cause serious damage to relationships.

Research shows that invalidation experienced in childhood can lead to chronic emotional inhibition in adulthood (Krause et. al., 2003). Invalidation can damage a person’s self-worth, disrupt their ability to emotionally regulate, trigger anxiety and depression, and lead to conflict, misunderstanding, and alienation. It doesn’t require any special insight to see that emotional validation is a vital communication skill and an essential ingredient for all kinds of relationships.

When we are able to say that someone’s feelings and perceptions are valid, we ultimately communicate a deeper message: they themselves are valid. By recognizing that their experience is legitimate, makes sense, and has a place in the world, we simultaneously communicate that they are worthy of being seen, heard, and acknowledged respectfully.

It would be wrong to assume that this skill comes automatically to most people. In fact, it usually requires deliberate practice to recognize that someone else’s emotions are valid and to act accordingly. A reoccuring theme throughout this book is how accidental invalidation is our cultural norm, and that it takes a lot of mindfulness and humility to validate perspectives that are not our own.

A caveat: valid is not the same as true

Some of us stumble in the validation process because we think, "But how can I validate that? It’s plain wrong!"

However, validation is not the same as agreement. We don’t have to feel the same way that they feel in order to validate their feelings. Validating someone’s emotion doesn’t require us to invalidate our own, nor does it require us to invite poor treatment. When we validate an emotion, we are not saying that it is somehow true or that we endorse it in any way. All we are doing is recognizing that the person feels the way they feel, and that’s OK. That’s all.

A very simple example will illustrate the difference between validation and approval/agreement. Imagine a much-loved friend complains to you that they feel fat. The actual objective truth? They are a normal body weight and are not fat in the slightest. If you were to respond, You’re not fat! you would be making a true claim that was nevertheless invalidating. It may even feel like this is a helpful and supportive statement, particularly since it’s factually correct. But in reality, all you’re doing is arguing against your friend’s sincere experience. You are telling them, The way you feel is not reasonable. It doesn’t make sense. You don’t make sense.

If you were to respond by saying, I’m sorry. I know you often feel insecure about your appearance. Wanna talk about it? instead, then you are practicing real emotional validation. You are not evaluating the truth of your friend’s statement (which is not something they need you to do) nor are you agreeing with them that they are fat. Rather, you are validating their feelings. You are communicating that how they feel matters.

How to validate someone’s emotions

When we remind ourselves that emotional validation has nothing to do with facts, nor with what is right or wrong, we are free to simply listen to what someone is going through, and to accept and acknowledge it with kindness.

Here is a simple step-by-step process that outlines the basics of the emotional validation process.

Step 1: Pay attention

One of the first and perhaps best ways to demonstrate to someone that their experience matters to you is to pay attention to it! When we grant something our full attention, we are giving it the status of something that is important enough to be acknowledged and recognized. You cannot make anyone feel seen or heard unless you first give them your undivided attention.

If someone is sharing something with you, or even if you’re having an ordinary discussion, show respect for the other person and for your shared connection by being fully present, without distractions. Put your phone away, choose a place to talk that is quiet and conducive to conversation, physically turn to face them, and mentally focus your concentration on what they’re saying.

Step 2: Practice allowing

Now that the stage is set and all distractions removed, it’s time for the other person to open up and share. The biggest threat to them doing that fully is our own compulsion to jump in and add our interpretations, feelings, advice, reactions, questions, statements, or judgments.

Now, all of this can come from a good place, and we can find ourselves interrupting or simply because of a desire to help. Nevertheless, in order to properly validate their emotions, we need to keep quiet for a moment and just let them talk. This means active listening (which we will cover in more detail later) and resisting the temptation to judge or weigh in. Our