Getting It Right This Time: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love

INTRODUCTION

How Did You Get Here?

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

—Eden Ahbez

On New Year’s Eve 1994, Orna was fighting for her life.

The boyfriend she lived with, who came home drunk, high, or both, was on top of her beating her head into the hardwood floor.

Unable to get out from under the weight of his body, she did what every woman has been taught to do to save her life—she grabbed his balls. When she finally let go, he struck her face so hard that the bodybuilder and his girlfriend next door said they heard it in their apartment. It was the bodybuilder who came through the front door to save Orna’s life that night.

Holding her torn pj’s closed with one hand, she dialed 911 with the other.

Every single thing in Orna’s life changed that night. Most of all, she desired to figure out how she had chosen a man who could be violent when that was the very last thing she wanted in a partner.

A decade later, in her mid-thirties and flourishing in her career, Orna began a quest to figure out how to have a great love relationship, one that would last for a lifetime. It started with meditation. One morning, Orna asked at the close of her practice, "What do I really want?" The answer lit up her third eye with a royal purple hue backdrop and L-O-V-E appeared. NOOOO! she thought. I don’t know how to do that. Anything but love, it has to be something else. I’m genuinely not good at that. There has to be something else! she begged God. Day after day it persisted. She’d ask and the same answer came again, and again, and again. By this point in her life, Orna knew the difference between the answers that came from the universe and those in her head. This was like a message from God on the direct-dial red phone line: She wanted LOVE. Gulp!

Reluctant to take it on, Orna realized she could start by doing research, and because she was an expert at research, it would be easier that way—like asking for a friend. Conventional wisdom says to marry someone from a good family. That struck terror in her heart. No one will ever pick me, then, she thought. My family is awful. As she consumed all the books about love and dating she could find, took workshops, and went to therapy, the most common takeaway she learned is that lasting love is hard for everyone. But the books she read and workshops she took never addressed the underlying false belief that had driven Orna in her love life for decades: I am unlovable.

Basically, there was no advice for someone like her who had experienced abuse, chaos, and trauma in her childhood home and was finding it again in her adult love relationships. The physical wounds from that frightful New Year’s Eve long healed, Orna desired to know how to choose a man who would love her respectfully and work through the challenges that life would inevitably bring, along with attraction, chemistry, and if at all possible, someone who would know how to lighten her up when she took herself too seriously.

While Orna was on her healing journey, Matthew had been through a spiritual awakening. He grew up in a normal midwestern family, the youngest of five children: no abuse, no trauma, nothing from the outside that would make you think that finding a great love relationship would be difficult. Yet Matthew also struggled to create lasting love through most of his adult life. He had internalized the teasing from his childhood to mean that there was something wrong with him. Because he didn’t like himself, he was always suspicious of a woman who was interested in him. Couldn’t she see that there was something wrong with him? He would develop crushes on women who weren’t interested in him or who were unavailable for a relationship. All that taunting from his childhood had turned into self-hatred and as a result, Matthew believed he was incapable of sustaining a romantic relationship.

When Matthew met a woman who was interested in him, who thought he was cute and interesting, his first thought was, What’s wrong with her? and the second was, Wait ‘til you get to know me—and that usually became a self-fulfilling prophecy. He would inevitably sabotage the relationship. These strategies were exacerbated by recreational drug use and numbing himself out with alcohol. After his self-sabotaging behaviors caused him to lose a good job, Matthew decided it was time to clean up his act.

Sobriety, yoga, meditation, and hypnotherapy helped break his self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors, but love continued to elude him. The fear that drove Matthew was: I don’t trust love. It wasn’t until a spiritual awakening through meditation that he was able to drop the cynicism that had defined his adult life. The realization that he was the only one responsible for his happiness, and that it was up to him to change his life, prompted Matthew to commit to a practice of self-acceptance and personal responsibility. Slowly but surely, these new practices increased his self-esteem, and he began to turn his love life around. By the time Matthew met Orna, he’d been on an intentional search for the lasting love that he’d rejected outright for most of his adult life. He was ready for love and had begun a search to find his soulmate.

This is just a glimpse of what we went through on our journey to each other. After many experiences that shaped who we became before meeting, and other relationships that didn’t pan out, we met through a local business networking group. Matthew was running his hypnotherapy practice in Beverly Hills and an online hypnosis business with a colleague, and Orna had hung her shingle as a life coach utilizing the science of hand analysis (scientific nonpredictive palmistry). We met for a one-on-one networking breakfast after attending the same group meetings for over a year. Enthralled with each other, we sat talking for hours. The shift changed at the restaurant, and a new waiter came to take our lunch order. Flirtations continued for several weeks through the group’s networking meetings. During one, a dating coach offered a ticket to her Date with Fate program. Matthew turned to Orna and said, You can have a Date with Fate or you can have a date with me. Matthew won out over fate that day, and we haven’t been apart since.

When asked in interviews how Orna knew Matthew was her soulmate, she says, The obsessive and anxious feelings I used to have at the beginning of a relationship weren’t present. I felt grounded in a new way, like I was standing on Mother Earth with deep roots like an oak tree. At the same time, I felt like I had wings and could take flight at any moment. Roots and wings were an entirely new experience of falling in love, one that I didn’t know was possible.

While planning our wedding in 2009, we had an opportunity to give a motivational talk together at a new spa in Hollywood. We decided to share our journey to each other and the steps we took to consciously create our relationship. This led to a weekend workshop that grew into our holistic coaching practice Creating Love on Purpose®. Through many years we have refined our system for identifying and transforming hidden blocks to love in addition to teaching the tools to make love last.

Our clients have had success creating long-lasting love regardless of race, culture, gender affiliation, sexual preference, or religion. As a couple with both a fulfilling marriage and a successful practice as holistic dating coaches, we have a life that many people dream of—but our lives weren’t always this rosy. The struggles we faced on our journey to one another were frustrating and painful, and hopefully relatable. We’re willingly sharing with you our personal pilgrimage to long-lasting love so that you can avoid driving in circles, taking wrong turns, and winding up at dead ends. Within these pages is a tried-and-true method that charts a path to your soulmate relationship. A beloved relationship is not destined. You need not scour the earth to find the one person who is your match.

Orna has been told many times to stop telling people she’s a survivor of domestic violence. At the time (and for many years after) she thought it would be a secret she’d keep forever. Now she looks for opportunities to share her story because no one should take on the shame of another person’s actions. There’s no shame in loving someone. The actions of her ex-boyfriend are something he will have to reconcile for himself. As far as Orna is concerned, she tells the story of New Year’s Eve 1994 as often as possible and to anyone who will listen, because domestic violence doesn’t discriminate—it can happen to anyone.

And here’s what we’ve discovered: Love doesn’t discriminate, either. If you have the desire to share your life with an ideal partner, you can create a soulmate relationship. The existence of your desire means it’s possible for you. The journey may not be an easy one, but few things in life worth having are effortless. You’ll learn how to build your resiliency in love (and as a bonus—it’s likely to spill over into other areas of your life). Keep your eye on the prize, not because you need to have someone to complete you, but because sharing your life with the love of your life makes everything better! Life may not be fair or just, but having a partner to go through the highs and lows alongside you is a priceless experience, one that is available to everyone—including you.

Whatever your particular struggles with love and dating to this point, your brain has collected evidence to back up your experiences. If you’re looking for evidence of love being difficult, it’s easy to find: heartbreaking relationships that don’t last, the struggle to get your needs met, fear of rejection, unhappy married couples who stay together for one reason or another—all this evidence is working against you. Swapping out one partner for another doesn’t improve your chance for success, either. According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, forty-three percent of all first marriages in the United States, sixty percent of second marriages, and seventy-five percent of third marriages end in divorce. Marriage statistics like this one prove that starting over in a new relationship won’t increase your chance for success because people don’t get better at lasting love by happenstance.

When people marry, they generally don’t expect to end up divorced. So why does it seem nearly impossible for so many people to find and keep a healthy, lasting, loving romantic relationship? The problem lies in the myths our culture has about love—and which you’ve bought into consciously or unconsciously. All the songs, movies, books, and poems tell you that love is a magical thing that just happens. You’ve been taught that your problems with dating and mating lie outside of your control. If you could just find this mystical unicorn person who gets you and understands your needs (without you having to articulate them) then you will be one of the lucky ones who gets to live happily ever after, right?

Another common myth about love is that the right relationship should be easy and not require any work. A corollary to this myth is that supposedly attraction and common interests are all you need to stay together for a lifetime. Other myths include: Because love is a mystery, it’s just as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall in love. Love will happen when you least expect it. Stop trying so hard; it will happen if it’s meant to be. Love is beyond your control.

But the myth of accidental love is wreaking havoc on your love life. It keeps you from accessing your free will when it comes to love. Expecting your love life to change one day when you meet the right person is the biggest myth perpetuated on you since birth. In order to free yourself from these false beliefs and further heartbreak, you must look at love, dating, and relationships in an entirely new way.

It’s time for you to rewire your brain for lasting love with an ideal partner. We’ll call this person your soulmate. A soulmate is the person you choose for life who also chooses you. Together, you help heal the wounds of the past and grow together to the highest and best versions of yourselves. A soulmate does not complete you; a soulmate complements you. Ultimately, you are better together than apart. The journey you’re going on is designed to allow your personal growth to bring in your beloved life partner.

A soulmate does not complete you; a soulmate complements you.

There are many differing thoughts on soulmates and soulmate relationships; many of them perpetuate the idea that it’s your mission in life to find the one person who is fated to be your other half. Others claim that soulmates are destined to break your heart. Some people scoff at the idea of soulmates altogether. Being with your soulmate isn’t fated or destined, nor do you have to scour the earth for your one true love. There is no higher power doling out love to some people and not others. Merriam Webster’s definition is a close friend or romantic partner with whom one has a unique deep connection based on mutual understanding and acceptance.

Maybe you thought you met your soulmate and that person broke your heart. The idea that a soulmate is here to jolt you and crack you open as a catalyst for change is an example of what we call a soul contract. We believe you have agreements with other souls (not always a lover), and some of these contracts are played out in the light, and some are played out in the dark. This is not a soulmate relationship at all, but rather someone who is here to move you forward toward your soul’s purpose. Soul contracts occur with people who play a role in your journey but who are not your forever person. You could think of them as catalysts for change, prompting you to grow to the next stage of your journey. Are you carrying a torch for someone who got away? Do you think you’ve missed out on your soulmate?

What you believe to be true is true for you—so how do you change your belief system to create long-lasting, soul-satisfying love? Getting It Right This Time is the culmination of all the years of experience guiding singles to create love on their own terms, changing how they select a mate, and growing together rather than apart. Falling in love triggers a dopamine rush of intoxication. But when you approach love consciously, you don’t find yourself in old habitual patterns of worry like, I hope I don’t screw this up, or I’m afraid that I’ll be duped again. Plenty went wrong between us in the beginning of our relationship as well as throughout our many years together, but our commitment to each other and to our work helped us to master communication skills and turn conflicts into a deeper connection.

Getting It Right This Time walks you through retraining your brain to unlearn what’s no longer serving you and provides you with new strategies for giving and receiving love that are in alignment with your true heart’s desire.

Your past does not define you or limit you. If you desire to have a lasting, loving partnership, then that drive is enough to create it. We know this to be true because if we can do it, then anyone can do it, and that includes you. Rather than waiting for lasting love to just magically happen one day, make having love a priority, because when you focus on love you’ll change your life.

Your journey through Getting It Right This Time will traverse three phases: Awareness, Transformation, and Manifestation. Awareness is the first step to shining a light on your mental, emotional, and behavioral patterns. Your specific patterns are hidden blocks to the love you desire and deserve. Awareness gets you into the driver’s seat of the car. You haven’t gone anywhere yet, but you’re in the right seat to reach your goal. Examine your patterns with empathy and compassion. Set judgment aside, as it’s the biggest block to the love you desire. The past is done; you don’t have a time machine, so it does you no good to judge yourself or wallow in regret. You’ll soon learn there’s a good reason you’ve struggled in your love life, and until now, it’s been hidden from you. Coming into awareness sets the stage for a transformation so you can heal your heart and open to a new way of creating long-lasting love.

Phase two is Transformation, which guides you to release limiting beliefs, habits, and behaviors that don’t serve the goal of finding your beloved. Your limiting beliefs, false beliefs you’ve adopted that don’t serve your best interests, have hidden the right person from you and have created your current struggle. In the transformation phase, you’ll experience an internal shift that will forever change your outer experiences. Instead of undigested knowledge that comes from collecting more information, this journey will integrate new learning into your daily life, and all of your relationships will benefit. Just like riding a bike, once you have a new experience you can’t deny it; you’ll have integrated the learning on a subconscious level. This transformation puts the past behind you, opening a glorious future filled with new beliefs and skills to attain your goal of sharing your life with your soulmate.

The final phase, Manifestation, walks you through creating your vision for a lasting loving partnership and shortens the time it takes to make it a reality. Manifestation isn’t just repeating affirmations, or wishful thinking, or hoping that your life will change. Instead, you’ll be in the dating lab using your power of discernment to choose the best partner for you. You’ll create new coordinates for your personal GPS for love, making it inevitable that you meet your ideal mate. On this journey your goal is to create long-lasting love, not just to have another boyfriend, girlfriend, or lover. This book is not a quick fix for meeting your soulmate in 30 days or less. You’ll transform false beliefs, break negative patterns, and gain a new skill that allows you to select an ideal life partner and the tools for love to last a lifetime.

Changing behavior doesn’t come from having information. You don’t walk into a room and decide who you find attractive; it happens on autopilot. There may be a lot of undigested knowledge floating around in your brain that didn’t change your results. Our goal is to turn all of that data into experiential learning. Please remember that learning to do anything new takes time and practice. Change doesn’t just happen from desire; it takes effort. Embrace all the Love on Purpose Exercises at the close of each chapter. You’ll be tasked with writing exercises as well as experiential practices, so you’ll need a journal book and your favorite pen or pencil. Please don’t use a digital device, as part of the process of creating change is putting pen to paper. Utilize the QR codes at the end of each chapter to gain access to additional resources for success on your journey. Commit to taking new actions consistently, and most importantly—love yourself through this process. All the sages say, Know thyself. That’s because you only have control over what you feel, think, and do; you have no control over other people or the world around you. This simple but profound truth will be the foundation of our work together.

When you harness the power of the brain science of attraction, you’ll know how to make your own luck in love. If you’re having trouble executing the exercises at the end of a chapter or struggle to commit to the practices on a regular basis, you may want to consider reading the book cover to cover without doing any exercises at all to gain an overview of the journey. Then go back through the book again, reading each chapter and implementing the exercises as you go. It’s best that you don’t skip around because reading the book out of order dilutes the effectiveness of our Soulmating System™. The order is very important because your inner transformation will shift your outer-world experience (not the other way around). Use any discomfort you’re in at the moment when you think of your love life as fuel to make your way through the sequence we’ve laid out for you. There’s not much you can do with a half-baked turkey, so be sure to stay in the oven until it’s fully cooked.

Please note: Names and identifying details of all persons have been changed to protect privacy unless the identity is one of us. You’ll learn details of our journey to each other, along with many of our clients and their transformations. Your desire for long-lasting love means it’s possible for you to create it. Our clients in their mid-twenties to their mid-seventies have achieved their goal of creating lasting love, regardless of their gender identity, sexual preference, culture, religion, or geographical location. Using our techniques, 100 percent of our clients who found their partner and chose to get married are still married today.

When you learn to love yourself, you can teach someone to love you.

When you learn to love yourself, you can teach someone to love you. Approach this journey with optimism, hope, and an open heart, and soon you’ll find that you too are creating love on purpose. If your heart is hurting right now, please ride on our faith in you. When you’re with your beloved, every step will have been worth it.

PART 1

Awareness

1

The Myth of Accidental Love

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

—Anais Nin

From childhood, you’re taught a ridiculous myth about love that permeates society so thoroughly that you have no choice but to believe that you fall in love. You’re also told that love will happen when you least expect it. That when you know, you know. Your belief in the myth of love by accident is so powerful that on some level you never completely grew out of the coming-of-age fantasy that one day, while going about your everyday mundane activities, you’ll meet an ideal match to be your partner for life. This person will just magically appear if it’s meant to be, and the timing will be just right. The two of you will quickly fall madly in love, get married, start a family, and live in bliss happily ever after.

When love by accident doesn’t happen for you, you cobble together experiences of disappointment and heartbreak, believing that love must not be in the cards for you because it didn’t just magically happen. You may find that your desire for a life partner waxes and wanes like the moon’s cycle, and you may even feel apathetic about love and dating altogether. Perhaps you start believing that you’re unlucky in love. After all, according to society, when it doesn’t work out, it’s also not meant to be.

Everything in life worth having requires effort. You’re told to get an education, study, gain skills, practice, and work hard at everything you want—except love. The most important decision in life you leave to chance, like buying a lottery ticket. And the chance of winning the lottery? One in 292 million. When you do connect with someone you perceive as having potential, you pine for them to like you back, and maybe