Back Yourself: A Wellbeing Guide to Healing from Racial Trauma

PROLOGUE

I don’t know what she’s moaning about. It’s not as if I called her a c**t or a n***er.

These were the words spat at my swim teacher by a group of racist thugs as she attempted to advocate for me in the face of their racism. On that morning, just a short while ago, I sat in the sauna, as I do every Monday. Every week I found myself surrounded by a gang of bigoted and aggressive thugs. Each time I would hear them cackling with laughter as they made fun of anyone they perceived as different: the Muslim women in their modest wear, the queer gym instructor, and the newly arrived refugee communities accessing the pool.

They were vile, and the weight of their words weighed heavy on me every single week, but I refused to stop accessing my local leisure centre. So, I took up my rightful space in the sauna week after week, crammed in the corner trying my best to avoid these big-mouthed bigots.

On this particular day, there were more than usual: eight men and two women. I was vastly outnumbered and for whatever reason they chose that day to attack me verbally. As I sat there minding my business, they made jokes about the tanned skin complexion of one of the group members. He’d been on holiday and was as dark as a ….

Their words cut through the air like knives, and with every jibe, the cuts dug deeper into my being. They thought they were so hilarious as they bantered to one another, calling me dipped with the coal tar brush, an antiquated racial slur to describe someone who appears to have mixed African heritage.

This time, though, I had had enough. I confronted them, then and there in the sauna. In the pitch black, in my swimming costume with no allies in sight. My voice trembled and my heart pounded, yet I told them exactly what I thought of their bullying and discrimination.

They didn’t listen. Of course they didn’t. They sneered and laughed, and they taunted me as my eyes spilt over with tears. Their hatred and dismissal were a bitter reminder of the deep-seated racism that still permeates our world.

This ordeal was one of the most racially traumatic that I’ve endured. At the time, the cacophony of emotions was overwhelming. I felt anger, humiliation, powerlessness and fear. I was disappointed in the two women who witnessed but didn’t intervene. I felt disgusted at the threats they threw at my swimming teacher, who ran in to help when I fled the sauna in tears.

I couldn’t believe that during the process of writing a book on racial healing, I experienced a vicious racist incident. One thing that I’ll always hold near to my heart is that despite the anger and fear, I was able to speak up for myself in that moment. My voice, as wobbly as it may have been, was heard. Not only in that moment in the sauna, but also in my police statement and in my complaint to the leisure centre.

It definitely wasn’t easy to speak up for myself, but when I came out the other side, it reminded me of the power of my voice, the strength of my convictions and the importance of my work.

It was this encounter that bolstered my conviction in the creation of this book, this experience that reminded me of the impact of racism on wellbeing and the vital importance of wellbeing resources for us and by us.

INTRODUCTION

Dearest reader, thank you so much for being here. This book has been a long time in the making, and the fact that you have picked it up means the world to me!

This project is the culmination of years of work in the form of one-to-one sessions, group coaching, training and workshops with culturally diverse people, interspersed with my own experience of being a woman of colour.

So, who am I? Well, my name is Lildonia Lawrence, and I am a half-Alaskan, half-Bajan, British-born, mixed-heritage Black woman. I am a second-generation immigrant and proud of it! I have been working as a mental health and wellbeing coach since 2010, and my big passion is helping people to improve their physical, emotional and spiritual health, as well as their mental health and wellbeing. I am somewhat fanatical about my global-majority community and spend a lot of time working to support positive wellbeing across the diaspora.

During my years in the field, I noticed patterns coming up with clients of colour living as a racialized minority in majority-white environments, meaning they’re part of the 85 per cent of the planet’s population who are of Indigenous, African, Asian or Latin American descent. Alongside the everyday worries and woes, there were particularly nuanced issues coming up for my Black and brown client base.

People from cultural backgrounds that had seemingly little in common were bringing very similar topics to the sessions: their experiences of microaggressions, feelings of being on the outside and battles with colourism, and the transmission of cultural trauma. I followed these threads of connection, and during my reflective practice, I began taking note of these themes.

As these seeds of potential began to grow in my mind, I decided to take a leap of faith and plant them. Those seedlings eventually grew into this book … a wellbeing guide for culturally diverse humans! It’s a resource for exploring and gently counselling my fellow people of colour in the areas of wellbeing that are typically impacted by our race, culture, faith or ethnicity.

WHO IS THIS BOOK FOR?

If you are reading this book, then it is for you! This book is for anyone who has experienced racism or racial trauma. You’ll notice I use different terms like Black, Indigenous and people of colour (BIPOC), people of colour (POC), racialized individuals, melanated and global majority fairly interchangeably. I vary usage depending on the context and to honour the fact that we all identify differently.

It’s important to understand that these terms aren’t just about race – they can also include people from various ethno-religious and pan-ethnic backgrounds. For example, members of the Jewish Diaspora or Roma and Traveller communities may share these experiences, even if they don’t necessarily identify as people of colour. The concept of race is ever evolving, and it is important for us to honour the lived experience of all groups who may experience racial discrimination based on their ethnicity, or who do not fall under the umbrella of Western whiteness. By using these different terms, I aim to be inclusive and respectful of the diversity within our community.

As a global-majority community, we are not a monolith, and so it is impossible to find language that resonates with everyone. Language is rapidly evolving and the words we use to describe our identity are extremely personal, so please feel free to mentally swap out terms that do not resonate. I am not the identity police, and for me, however you identify is how I will be blessed to accept you!

And for our white brothers and sisters who have ended up here – welcome. Alongside my work as a BIPOC wellbeing specialist, much of my time is spent supporting allies who are on a journey of becoming (and being) anti-racist. This book is for you, for those of you who are trying to do the often difficult (but extremely worthwhile) job of being an ally to our communities.

My hope is that through reading these words, you will get an in-depth understanding of the historical context of racism and racial discrimination, along with a deeper insight into the global-majority communities’ lived experience. Please read this book with an open mind and heart in support of your non-white colleagues, friends and family members. You have more power to change The System than we ever will, and so it is up to you to create change from within.

HOW THIS BOOK WILL HELP YOU

My deepest wish for you, reader, is that my words support you on your journey to and through holistic wellbeing. Navigating the often complex experience of being a person of colour in majority-white spaces can be challenging. There is a lot of talk about anti-oppressive and anti-racist practice (which is wonderful!), but there is little support for the people who are still marginalized and oppressed under these systems.

That is where this book comes in! It is your friendly, pocket-sized guide to all things wellbeing in a melanated body. In each chapter, I will cover a topic that I have seen come up in my BIPOC-specific wellbeing sessions. Each chapter includes stories from my lived experience, as well as case studies and tools you can use straight away.

These are meaty topics, and at times, doing this self-care and reflective work can be overwhelming. Please ensure you look after yourself – choose reading time where you will not be disturbed and allow yourself all the self-care you need.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

This book is designed to be read in chronological order. Each chapter covers a historical and social context, along with top tips, reflective exercises, and tools to support healing in mind, body and spirit. Feel free to highlight, bend page corners or bookmark – this is designed to be a work-along manual that you can come back to time and time again.

A NOTE ON CASE STUDIES

Throughout the book, you will see case studies inspired by clients I have worked with in the past. All are rooted in real-life experiences and aim to illustrate concepts and themes. However, all identifying information – names, locations and distinctive features – have been meticulously removed or altered to ensure the privacy and confidentiality of those involved.

The purpose of these case studies is purely educational, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or deceased, or to real events, is purely coincidental.

I hope that by the end of this book you will have a deeper understanding of yourself, your roots, and the skills you possess that will help you to BACK YOURSELF!

And with all that being said … let’s get started!

1

MANAGING MICROAGGRESSIONS

THE IMPACT OF MICROAGGRESSIONS

It was 2017. I was travelling in Canada, newly single and getting acquainted with the world of dating apps. I sat in the living room of a long-time friend as I swiped like a kid in a candy store – I had way too much choice. My friend, of Russian heritage, asked to see my phone wanting to see what kind of folks I was into.

It so happened that my last three matches were with an Ethiopian man, an Indo-Caribbean woman and an Italian-American guy. My friend seemed impressed by my expansive and global approach to dating. I thought you’d only match with Black guys, Lil! But I guess you’re so well spoken and educated that you can attract any race.

My words caught in my throat at that moment. I didn’t know what to say. Her insinuation was that my level of education somehow made me a suitable candidate for white men. I was shocked, hurt and offended, but I didn’t feel I could say anything in response. I was on vacation, I was in my friend’s house and I felt vulnerable.

My pal was a person who would