Radical Listening: The Art of True Connection

RADICAL LISTENING

Radical Listening

Copyright © 2025 by Christian van Nieuwerburgh and Robert Biswas-Diener

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First Edition

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Nieuwerburgh, Christian van, author. | Biswas-Diener, Robert, author.

Title: Radical listening : the art of true connection / Christian van Nieuwerburgh, Robert Biswas-Diener.

Description: First edition. | Oakland, CA : Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., [2025] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2024037847 (print) | LCCN 2024037848 (ebook) | ISBN 9781523007196 (paperback) | ISBN 9781523007202 (pdf) | ISBN 9781523007219 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Listening. | Interpersonal communication. | Interpersonal relations.

Classification: LCC BF323.L5 N54 2025 (print) | LCC BF323.L5 (ebook) | DDC 302.2/242—dc23/eng/20241114

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024037847

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024037848

2025-1

Book production: Westchester Publishing Services

Cover design: Ashley Ingram

To our partners, Cathia and Keya,

who inspired our shared interest in this topic.

CONTENTS

PART ONE

Introduction to Radical Listening

1      The Benefits of Radical Listening

2      Intention

PART TWO

Internal Listening Skills

3      Noticing

4      Quiet

5      Accepting

PART THREE

External Listening Skills

6      Acknowledging

7      Questioning

8      Interjecting

PART FOUR

The Listening Context

9      Listening across Cultures

10    Fertile Ground for Radical Listening

Afterword

Notes

Acknowledgments

Index

About the Authors

PART ONE

INTRODUCTION TO RADICAL LISTENING

Most of us recognize the value of great listening. In fact, most people are familiar with approaches to active listening and employ conversational techniques such as maintaining eye contact, nodding, and repeating speaker statements. Here, we present an alternative approach that builds on traditional active listening but extends it in dynamic ways. We present a simple but powerful framework for listening that includes attention to a listener’s motivation as well as to both the mental and behavioral aspects of listening.

CHAPTER ONE

THE BENEFITS OF RADICAL LISTENING

Perhaps you are holding a copy of Radical Listening in a bookstore. Maybe you are reading a free sample chapter online. This moment might feel like a first date—as you try to decide whether this feels right for you. From a business perspective, you might be asking, Why should I purchase this book? What is the value of engaging with it? It is also possible, of course, that you have already purchased this book. But even then, it is reasonable for you to be wondering whether this book is worth the investment of your time and mental energy. We are glad that you have these questions. Let’s address them straightaway!

To start with, if this were a first date, we would be delighted. You are the person with whom we want to connect. You are interested in enhancing your listening and you are curious—the perfect reader! This book is all about listening and the art of true connection. The basic unit of communication is the conversation. It is how we come to know one another, teach and learn from one another, cooperate in groups, care for each other, and challenge one another. It is how we fall in love, how we convey our needs and wants, how we acknowledge and appreciate others. At least half of all conversations are made up of the dynamic skills of listening. When you listen better, you improve the quality of conversations. In turn, better conversations lead to better relationships.

Now is the time to learn about Radical Listening. We live in an era where connection is sorely needed. People living in many technologically and economically developed societies are getting lonelier. In the United States, for instance, levels of trust have been declining over the last fifty years.¹ In one survey, about a quarter of all people in Great Britain said that they experience loneliness always, often, or some of the time.² It is a statistic that is concerning enough that a Minister of Loneliness was appointed. In addition, increases in screen time mean that people spend less and less time in-person with their friends and family members. Even when people sit together, they can be glued to the many screens that they now access on a minute-by-minute basis. The sense of isolation was magnified by the COVID-19 pandemic and the strict quarantine, social distancing, and face-masking measures. A lack of connection is not only a social issue, it has physical consequences. Research reveals that the increased risk of heart disease, stroke, depression, and dementia—including a higher likelihood of premature death—is roughly equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.³ Better human relationships may be the remedy and Radical Listening is one of the ways of strengthening the connections between us. By listening radically, we can connect with one another effectively, have more engaging conversations, improve our relationships, and experience greater levels of well-being.

A quick glance at your news app will remind you that we are living through an era of increased violence, tribalism, and conflict. There are highly visible armed conflicts in Ukraine, the Middle East, Sudan, and many other parts of the world. A recent poll from the Pew Charitable Trust reveals that Americans today are more likely to demonize fellow citizens who do not share their political views.⁴ For example, in 2016, 41 percent of survey respondents thought that members of the opposing political party were immoral. By 2022, that number had spiked to 66 percent. In fact, the Chicago Council Survey found that most Americans consider other Americans to be the biggest threat to their way of life (2023).⁵

Even in the face of such polarization, we dispense with ineffective exhortations about doing the right thing and being kind in favor of making the case that Radical Listening will be good for you and the people around you. Yes, even as you listen to others better, you will benefit from the approaches set out in this book. You will develop stronger connections with others; increase the positive relationships in your life; and be perceived as an empowering and empathetic leader, colleague, or parent. The people you listen to will be able to do their best thinking; feel valued and appreciated; and feel connected to a wider network. The most powerful aspect of Radical Listening is that it is a mutually beneficial interaction.

WHAT IS SO RADICAL ABOUT THIS APPROACH?

The word radical does not appear in the title of this book by chance. However, we do not mean to suggest that radical is synonymous with shocking or to imply that our approach to listening is wholly original. Instead, we claim that there are elements of our approach that are novel and that differ from or extend current thinking on listening. There are three basic ways in which Radical Listening is radical.

First, what makes this approach radical is the notion that the starting point for listening is to be clear about your intention as the listener. Intentionality is what distinguishes listening from hearing. Is your intention to strengthen your relationship with the other person? Would you like to increase trust with a team? Are you hoping to influence a group of investors? Do you just want to give a boost to a friend who is going through a rough time? We argue that the intention of the listener changes the contours of conversation.

Next, Radical Listening differs from other approaches to listening in its understanding of what is occurring. Conventionally, listening is considered to be a way of taking in information. Conventional listening is about comprehension and clarification. By contrast, our approach suggests that listening is one of the most effective ways of strengthening relationships and creating opportunities. It replaces the concept of information with that of connection.

Finally, Radical Listening is not passive. It is tempting to think of listening as a reactive act: receiving sounds. Active listening disputes this by suggesting that listeners can check for comprehension by repeating or clarifying what a speaker says. Radical Listening builds on this by adding even more active skills such as asking follow-up questions.

WHAT IS THE RADICAL LISTENING FRAMEWORK?

Before we delve into the practical skills and strategies needed to engage in Radical Listening, let us have a look at the theory upon which this practice is based (please see Figure 1.1: The Radical Listening framework).

You will see positive intention right at the heart of the framework. Radical Listening starts with a positive intention to listen to people in a way that will strengthen rapport. This intention can present itself in many ways: by treating your conversational partners with dignity and respect; by going the extra mile to understand them; by showing an unambiguous interest in them and the issues they face. The first distinction is whether you are listening for something or in order to do something.

FIGURE 1.1 The Radical Listening framework

Source: Original artwork by Christian van Nieuwerburgh

The top of the figure is labeled social, and lists the 3 social intentions for listening. These include the desire to influence, connect, and appreciate. The 3 cognitive intentions for listening are listed at the bottom. They are a desire to learn, understand, and solve. In the center of the figure are the 6 fundamental skills of radical listening. The 3 on the left are so-called internal skills including noticing, quieting, and accepting. The 3 on the right are the so-called external skills and include acknowledging, questioning, and interjecting.

Listening For

When we have asked great communicators how they listen, the most common responses relate to what they were listening for. That is, great listeners are aware of what, exactly, they are keeping an ear out for. Some examples:

• Some talked about listening for emotions: "I pay particular attention to how people are feeling. What emotions can I pick up from their tone of voice or body posture? Do they explicitly talk about their feelings?"

• Others listen for what is not said: I like to notice gaps in what the other person is saying. What are they leaving out of their narrative? Are there some topics that they seem to be avoiding? I use silences to invite them to articulate what they may be thinking.

• Good communicators listen for motivation. What motivates the people that I am talking to? I look for clues about what excites them. If their eyes sparkle, or they start becoming more animated, I know that I am onto something. I then spend time digging a bit deeper by asking about the topics that seem to be most meaningful.

• Other communicators describe themselves as strengths-spotters. They are listening for strengths and resources that emerge during conversations. When they hear about strengths, they highlight these: it sounds like you’re very creative, or from what you’re saying, I’m getting a sense that you’re highly adaptable. Rather than picking up on weaknesses or gaps in knowledge, these communicators draw attention to what is already there, or what is working.

Not surprisingly, these are all good techniques to use when listening. By listening for things in the conversation that can increase motivation or help others to understand themselves better, Radical Listeners can support people to achieve great results.

Listening (In Order) To

Good active listening includes the techniques highlighted in the previous section. Radical Listening goes one step further by being clear about the intention for listening. This can happen before a single word has been spoken. Identifying your intention for listening is the first step of Radical Listening. In other words, knowing your primary motivation before the start of a conversation increases the chances that it will be beneficial for both you and the people you will be listening to. As the term implies, it is helpful to know the main reason that you will be listening to someone.

PUT IT INTO PRACTICE: TAKE A MOMENT

Please take a moment to think about all the reasons that you listen to people. Maybe cast your mind back over the last few days. When have you been in listening mode? What were your reasons for listening? In which situations do you feel most connected to others?

Radical Listening is predicated on the idea that human beings have the ability to listen for differing purposes. That is why we have included the common human motivations for listening in the framework. Each is discussed here. We have divided them into social motivations (where the purpose is related to human relationships) and cognitive motivations (where the purpose is related to support thinking processes).

Social motivations

1. Connect

This is the intention to build a strong social connection with another person or group of people.

2. Appreciate

This is the intention to value others, including a motivation to acknowledge their contributions or ways of being.

3. Influence

This is the intention to encourage people to feel or think in a particular way. As an example, it is possible to listen in a way that can build a person’s self-esteem. In another context, it may be more about listening to people so that they are more open to change or innovation.

Cognitive motivations

1. Learn

This is the intention to take in as much information as possible. This is the mode that is most often associated with students. It requires listeners to stay focused and avoid distractions.

2. Understand

Currently, this may be the most common intention of listening. To put it simply, people listen in order to comprehend the views, positions, or experiences of others.

3. Solve

This is the intention to listen to others to gather sufficient information to support them in solving a problem or overcoming barriers. Many managers, leaders, and other people in positions of authority default to this way of listening.

The Radical Listening framework (Figure 1.1) presents the primary motivations in the outer circle. Before engaging in listening, it is essential to be clear about the intention of the interaction. At the center of the model are the fundamental skills of Radical Listening. Some of these skills are hidden during conversations. They relate to cognitive processes within the mind of the Radical Listener. This is why they are identified as internal. They are presented on the left. The other three skills are visible during conversations (these are identified as external). They are behavioral interventions that can be used during Radical Listening.

Internal Skills

The effective use of internal skills is essential in facilitating the social conditions for Radical Listening to occur. Noticing requires the listener to be attentive during conversations. When a person is good at noticing, they can direct their attention to what is most important for a particular interaction. Noticing includes the ability to pay attention, scan for information, and determine what is relevant. Quieting is the ability to bring a sense of calm to the conversation by using silences and strategic pauses. This involves managing internal dialogue and emotions