Love Shouldn't Hurt: The Story Of One Man's Life Part (1)

CHAPTER 1

I was born during the year 1968. I thought I was adorable and that people loved me so I thought, but anyway, I'll begin my story from day one, the day my mum had me and brought me into this beautiful world.

I was born in the ambulance on my way to the hospital, we hit a bump on the road, my mum told me that was when I was born, she said I couldn't wait to get to the hospital that I was impatient.

To start with, at the time, I didn't know my mum was an alcoholic, all she cared about at the time was her drink and not her children, if she couldn't get out to the bar for a drink, she would get someone to bring it to the house, I don't know why she couldn't stay away from it and look after her children first, if her drink was that important to her, then her children, then why did she have us?

When I was born, I was almost yellow and had very bad asthma, as I found out over the years, I had my asthma for almost 12 years, but in the first few weeks after I was born, I was taken to the doctor's, as I was very bad. On examining me, the doctor had informed my parents to rush me to the hospital and to go right away because there is no guarantee that I would still be alive.

So, I was put into isolation to make me better, I had been there for a few weeks, as it wasn't my time to go. I'm not sure if my family was worried about me or not, with me being so sick at the time. I think my older brothers and sisters were a little jealous of me because I was getting all the attention from my parents.

I didn't ask to be born sick, but I knew when I pulled through that I was special and I think that's why my family didn't like me, plus I think it had to do with me being spoiled, or maybe it was just guilt, with all the drinks my mum was drinking, because anybody and everyone knows that you do not drink while being pregnant.

But I am glad I pulled through, not many children do. My parents weren't the richest people, but they managed on what they had from week to week. My child up bringing was tough, as it was for many families. They planted gardens to survive. The hours were long, and the work was hard to make sure the crops grew.

I know the blight hit us twice, which destroyed all the crops, and everyone lost everything. For the younger children, we were on tins of powdered milk, which we called SMA. It was good, it kept us full and stopped us from being hungry.

When my 1st birthday came round, my parents didn't have the money for a birthday cake, not even a muffin, but I did get my first teddy bear. I knew that my parents were poor, that time we didn't celebrate birthday parties, and plus I was only just starting to walk.

When I started walking, I was into everything. I was a little devil, but aren't we all at that age? My older sisters and brothers were out with their own friends. When I started walking, my mum had no one to look after me. She had to do it herself plus, our next door neighbour was always in the house with my mum, she loved her drink too, and most of the time, I was left in my cot to play with my toys.

I used to cry a lot because I never wanted to be left alone. I always wanted to be hugged and loved and not just left in a cot, my older sisters and brothers were still too young to look after me at that time, my eldest sister was about 6 years old, so yes, they were all still young, one year apart from us all, so you can tell my mum had her hands full.

My parents had 10 children and lost three at birth. The first one she lost were twins, and one after that. I don’t know if they were boys or girls, we were never told, after I was born, it was three years later when my sister was born.

Three years after her, my other brother was born, three years after that, my other brother was born, and two years after that, my last brother was born. It was after that we found out that my two oldest sisters were born in England.

My dad wasn’t much help to my mum. He was too busy making sure we had enough to keep us all going. He kept the firewood in and made sure we had enough food on the table and clothes on our backs, while my mum made sure our diapers were washed and cleaned, because back then, it was cloth diapers, and they had to be kept clean.

Everything had to be washed and scrubbed by hand because washers or dryers were not even invented that time, my mum had to hand squeeze the clothes through two wringers to get most of the water off them, before hanging them on the line to dry.

I also think my dad was flirting with our next door neighbour, as she was blonde, he would always ask her if she was going out to the bar every weekend. Her reply was, are you going out? When my dad said yes, then she would say yes. I’ll make my husband take me, she would sit with him and not her husband.

While my mum would stay home until she found someone to look after us, so she could follow him. Because at the time, my mum wasn’t talking to many of the neighbours, because she was from a different town before my dad met her, my dad was born in Co. Clare, Ireland, and my mum was born in Wexford, Ireland.

The other neighbours didn’t want the responsibility of looking after 6 other children, because they had their own children to look after, my mum had no other choice but to stay home to look after us, but made sure my dad brought home a few cans of beer.

Which he always did and when she had us all in bed she would stay up late drinking with my dad, he was a whiskey and Guinness drinker, my mum was a beer and a vodka drinker, but settled more with a beer because she would get drunk faster.

I don’t know how she never had a hangover the following morning or any morning, she would be up getting breakfast ready, the fire going to heat the water to get the laundry done, after she changed all of us into nice, clean, dry diapers, she made sure we didn’t get sore bum’s from our wet diapers.

Once breakfast was over, mum would tell the older ones to play out in the front garden and to keep an eye on each other. Me, I was put into the cot to play with my toy teddy bear, along with my sister, she was a year older than me, she was two. My two older sisters had already started school, that time, you had to be five years old before you could start.

Once my mum was ready to bring the washing out to the washing line after breakfast, she had to bring me and my sister with her, as there was no one to watch us in the house, just to keep an eye on us while she hung the washing up.

The reason she did that, because my dad didn’t want to just sit in the house watching us, it was too much of a job for him to do, plus my mum had all our bottles of milk to make up. My dad couldn’t make it, so she had to make sure the bottles were clean for the fresh milk.

So yes, my mum was busy that time, but it never stopped her drinking either. I could never understand how she kept going, because back then men didn’t do house work it was always left to the women.

Sometimes my mum even had to walk to the store, because my dad wouldn’t bring her, she had to put some of us into the pram and walk the rest of us beside her, she also had room in the pram to put the groceries in the bottom of it. The older ones got ice-cream while us younger ones got a lollipop.

When my mum would get home from the store, my sister and I would be sleeping so, mum used to move us from the pram to the play pin. So, she could go and get the washing off the clothes line while we slept, she always told the older ones to stay out playing and not to wake us up.

Once she had all the clothes in, she would get the iron ready so she could iron them and put them away, my dad always took a nap during the day, every day he was a very heavy sleeper, he also snored a lot. My mum always had the water boiling in the kettle in case he wanted tea when he woke up, and always looked for something to eat.

That was the way things were every day as we grew older, plus back then we didn’t even have a radio or television they weren’t even invented yet, but we had a lot of board games that we could play, my sister and I were a little too young to play with them, as we would probably eat the pieces. My three year old brother used to play with small cars that he had.

He was also told not to give them to me or my sister, as we would break them and she wasn’t going to listen to him screaming over them, that she wasn’t getting him anymore, back then you kept your toys in good condition because money was very tight then, people were just about managing what they had, that’s why they had gardens to grow crops to survive.

But we were very young and innocent back then, we didn’t know right from wrong anything we got into our hands, we just wanted to keep them. My older brother wasn’t one for sharing anything with anyone, my second eldest sister every time you touched her, or brushed off her, she would wipe herself off and tell us we had a disease and blow it back at us.

My mum used to hate it. Every time she heard my sister saying it, she would tell her we were all the same, and that there was no disease in this house. Even when we sat at the table for meals, she always rubbed herself and just blew her hand at us without my mum or dad seeing her.

It was a dirty habit she picked up, no one knows where she got it from, as we all came from the same blood, the same parents. None of my brothers or sisters got on well, always fighting with each other. One day, my mum asked my older sister to look after me while she did some work around the house.

You could tell my sister didn’t want to look after me because she couldn’t go out to play, she was screaming at mum because she had to sit and watch me even though I was in my play pen, my sister kept tapping my arms, trying to make me cry so mum would pick me up and she could go out to play.

She succeeded in making me cry because she would hit me harder until I started crying. She would always hit me over my clothes so her hand marks wouldn’t show up on my bare skin, clever or what.

When I turned two, I started to walk by myself with the help of my parents, because at the time, I was the last child born. It was a few years after that when my mum got pregnant again. We also had a sand pit in the back garden, and I used to play there most of the day by myself.

My mum kept checking on me through the back window, where she knew I was playing. My older brother then decided that I could play with his toy cars and told me if I broke them, that he would kill me, plus it also kept me quiet, as I was enjoying my own company anyway, if my brothers or sisters didn’t want anything to do with me, there was nothing I could do about it.

When I started walking by myself, I wasn’t too steady on my feet and couldn’t walk that far on my own, but took an extra step or two each day. My mum then asked my older sister if she would bring me for a walk in the pram, as I was getting cranky and started whining, and I wouldn’t take a nap.

My sister was trying to say no because she wanted to play with her friends and not push her brother around, because it was taking her time away from playing, She would leave me by the hedgerow and stuff the bottle in my mouth and tell me to go to sleep.

She tried stuffing the bottle into my mouth, and wasn’t supporting it, and it kept falling down beside me, so she then stuffed the soother into my mouth and shook me inside the pram very hard as you can tell.

That made me cry some more, so she did what she wanted to do, she went off playing with her friends and told them that I would be okay. But one of my brothers heard me and told my mum that I was left alone. She asked him to bring me back into the house if he wouldn't mind, so he did, and he went off playing again.

I think I was a bit of a hand full for my mum, she didn't want to mind me, either did my sisters or brothers, but I guess at the time they had their own lives to live too, and just wanted to play and not push their brother around the place.

I loved that sand pit no one was bothering with me and I was happy playing on my own. Every day mum would come into the back garden to hang up the washing while my dad was washing them in the washing machine for her.

Sometimes they used to give out to me for playing in the sand, because they wanted it to finish off the extension at the back of the house. They told me I was adding dirt to the sand, and wasn’t allowed to play on it anymore, and to go somewhere else.

I told them I would not destroy it, that I would keep it clean and that I would keep it on the plastic it was wrapped in, the guy they bought it from supplied the black plastic, and every time it rained, we had to make sure it was covered properly to stop it from getting wet and going on the dirt.

We had to put a few blocks on the edge of the plastic to keep it from getting wet and keep it dry. My dad told me one day to leave the sand pit closed, don't open it today, because the workers are coming to finish the work.

But they didn't come for a few days, so I had to stay in the front garden watching everyone else play with their friends. But I didn't mind, I still had the little cars to play with from my brother.

In time, I knew I would make my own friends, but until then I had to wait for that day to come around. I was quite happy playing by myself, it meant less fighting with my brothers and sisters.

We lived in a small three bed roomed house, where I had to share one room with my other five brothers, my four sisters had the second room, and my parents had the smallest room. But we were comfortable enough, our living room and dining room were all together.

Anyway, moving on, we lived each day as best as we could to survive, because back then, you had to make your own entertainment. Then when I turned three, I was well able to walk and could go for walks on my own, away from my family. I had made a hideout where no one would find me.

One day, I took off on my own and took some snacks with me and spent the whole day in my new hideout playing by myself, but always kept a look out in case any of my family came looking for me, as I didn’t want them knowing where I was because they would only destroy the hideout in me.

The first day, I stayed out all day. My mum asked me where I was. I just told her I was around. If you had called me, I would have heard you. She said your father and I were worried about you because you were gone all day. I just said I was safe and playing out and around the area.

I had my secret hide out for about ten months, because one of my brothers followed me and watched where I was going. Every time I looked back, he would hide so I wouldn’t see him, then he told my mum and dad where I was going all this time. When I went back to the hide out they had messed it up and destroyed it on me.

I was almost four years old that time, and I got very mad that they had destroyed my hide out, it had nothing to do with them. I think they were jealous of it because I didn’t share with them, they wanted everything they saw. So, I told my mum and dad what they had done, and all she said, play together, you are brothers and sisters.

When I turned five that was when my life really began. When I was five years old, my dad was bouncing me on his knee, he lost control and dropped me from his knee. I hit my head on a stone slab that was around our fireplace, my forehead was split open, and I had to be rushed to the hospital.

They gave me stitches and put a bandage on. Told my parents to keep a close eye on me. The doctor said there might be some damage done on the inside. Just in case anything should happen, if so, to take me back for further checkups, and after that, I started play school.

CHAPTER 2

We also had a neighbour living a few doors away from us at that time. He was an older gentleman, not a very nice man, well to me anyway. I don't know what he saw in me, but every day he watched me coming home from school.

One day he called me and ask me if I would do him a favour after I had my homework done. I asked him what was the favour he wanted done.

As you can tell, I was only a little fella and was innocent and didn’t know much at the time, he was also a tall man. He said he would give me a few shillings if I would go into his house with him. Biggest mistake I ever made I never thought he would abuse me the way he did, after getting me inside his house.

When I was inside his house he took my clothes off, then walked me to his bedroom and then he tied my hands to the bed frame. He had some sort of whip that he took out of his dresser drawer. He told me he was going to use it on me just so he could get his own pleasure.

Then he started hitting me with the whip, he told me if I cried or screamed, he would hide my body and my parents would never find me again, he was also doing something to himself. I didn’t really know what he was doing at the time until I looked down and saw that he was playing with himself.

You can imagine how terrified I was, it was painful when he was hitting me. I did cry, but he put my face onto the pillow and held my head there so no one would hear me. The first time he took me into his house, the few shillings he gave me, he took them back and told me that the money was his and not mine.

He held me in his house for about an hour before he let me go, and told me if I said anything to anyone, he would come after me. When I returned back home, my mum asked me where I was for the past hour. I just told her I was playing around the back. All she said was okay.

I was so frightened at the time, I couldn't tell my mum what was after happening so for the weekends when I wasn’t in school. I played in the back garden, I didn’t want to see the neighbour and I didn’t want him to see me either.

But one day I wasn't thinking and I went out into the front garden after my homework, that's when he spotted me. At that time, my parents had a back door to the house. I was also with my dad, so he could do nothing. He went back into his house because he didn't want my parents to see him looking at me. Because my dad would have been asking questions.

Two days after that, I was out playing when the neighbour came up behind me, he was just after coming back from the store. He said I have got some candy for you if you want it. I said okay give it to me. He said I will, but if you want it you will have to follow me, it's at the bottom of the bag. I know I shouldn’t have followed him.

I really thought he had changed after what he had done and that he was going to say he was sorry, because he sounded a lot different when talking to me. Oh was so wrong on that. Once he got me inside his house again, he asked me why I was hiding from him.

I told him I wasn't hiding he said you were. I didn't see you, and you never came to see me either. I told him that I was doing my homework, that my parents said we couldn’t go outside until we were finished. That’s why I didn't want to come here anymore because you were hurting me too much.

All he said was to shut my mouth, that I was his now to do what he liked with me, that was when he dragged me back to his bedroom again. I so wanted to scream but he had his hand over my mouth, he then put a cloth over my mouth so he could tie me up again to his bed.

I was in floods of tears and couldn't cry out for help. That’s when he started using his whip again, plus he was also started playing with his private parts again every time he was whipping me, just so he could enjoy what he was doing.

At the time, I didn't want to ask him what he was doing because he was fully dressed apart from having something in his hand. Plus, I was too terrified I couldn't even ask him what he was doing. Because he had my mouth gagged and I couldn't talk.

All I could do was cry my heart out. I knew I couldn't get away from him. But he made sure that my parents didn't know I was crying. He would keep me until my red teared eyes were back to normal before letting me go.

Before he opened his back door to let me go. He told me he wanted to see me again and not to hide. He said remember boy you're mine, and if you tell just remember what I told you I would do. I know if I had told my parents that my dad would go to jail for murder.

Because my dad would have killed him for what he was doing. So to keep things as they were I kept my mouth closed. As I didn't want my dad in jail, I know I shouldn't have kept going back to be whipped. I also thought he loved what he was doing to me and that he loved having me around, so he could have his own pleasure and not feel so lonely, but I never deserved to be hit with a whip either.

Every time he called me to his house, things did get easier over time. I didn't hide from him anymore. I tried hiding from him, but it was very difficult because he was always watching me every time I came home from school. I also kept thinking about what he kept saying that if I kept hiding he would find me and kill me and hide my body from my family.

He was in his seventies at the time he was abusing me. I thought he just wanted a friend to stop him from being a lonely man and needed company, but I didn’t want to be his pleasure either. I then began to think that he was a man that just wanted to abuse young children, and that was his way of playing with himself. Giving himself his own pleasure while whipping me.

Some times he would touch my private parts. So what I used to do to stop him touching me was curl up on his bed. So he couldn't touch them, but mostly all he wanted to do was use the whip on me while he played with himself.

Over time with my neighbour the days got further and further apart. I wasn't going to see him as much, as he was an old man. Most days, I wouldn't even see him outside because he was getting sick a lot of the time. My dad told me he was also dying of old age. I began to relax a little more once I heard that because I had asked my dad why he wasn’t outside as much anymore.

I kept saying to myself when I knew he was not going to be around much longer, I might be able to go outside and play again without worrying about him. I didn't even have any place to go to just to be away from him, because he used to watch my every move.

If I had an aunt or an uncle near me, I would have asked them to mind me for a while, my grandparents were living in another town, a four hour drive from where I lived, so I couldn't even go to them it would have been a very long walk.

I had no where to go only stay at home. My parents wouldn't let me stay indoors for the summer. If I had stayed in the room, they would only be asking questions. So I really had no where to hide, the sexual assault went on for seven years. It also affected my school work.

Because I wasn’t able to concentrate I always in a world of my own, even the teachers asked me if I was okay. I kept saying yes. I’m okay. I even started doing arts at school, as I was good at drawing pictures. I even drew pictures at home, and my mum said I was very good with my hands that I should take up doing art.

But time kept moving on I was getting older every day, my parents never had a birthday cake for our birthdays not even a party as they couldn’t afford it, which was fine. When I turned six during the summer time. I was looking forward to moving into a new class with a new teacher, plus I was still going through a lot at home from the neighbour.

Even Christmas time we never got much from Santa, the only thing I was into back then was having a train set battery or electric it didn’t matter. I got my first train set when I turned seven, that time things were a little better for us, but the very first toy I got was a golliwog teddy bear, he was my favourite.

When I got my first train set, I looked after it as if my life depended on it. I wouldn’t even let any of my brothers play with it, one of my brothers tried to stand on it a break it, because he was jealous of what I had and he didn’t get what he wanted. My parents didn’t have that kind of money to get expensive toys.

That time my oldest sister was twelve, but still wanted to do her own stuff she was also put into a slow learners school to improve her skills, along with my next oldest sister, that school didn’t really help much, because it was for down syndrome children and my sisters weren’t like that, it was the teacher they had couldn’t be bothered.

Back then teachers could do what they wanted, because they got away with it. If they thought you were not good enough for their class room they got you moved to other schools. Because when I turned eight I went into third class. but for two days a week, I was sent back to second class to do more art with the arts teacher. I never really liked her anyway.

But nothing could or would be done about it, so I just stayed to myself even in the play ground, I was quiet happy. I was also kept back a year in third class which means I would be nine, because I also was a very slow learner. The teachers wanted to put me into the school my sisters went to and my parents said no.

If you can’t teach our children to learn properly then what are you doing here. You are supposed to be the teacher, as I was a slow learner, you try your best to do your best. But for me at that time, I wasn’t really interested in school with the way I was being picked on and bullied.

When I turned ten, a new family had moved into our village. That was when I had made a new friend, he started coming to my school, we started talking and becoming friends, he could tell I wasn't happy he kept asking me what was wrong.

But I couldn't tell him what was going on. I kept thinking of what the neighbour was saying to me about dumping my body. Once we got to know each other a little better. We became very good friends he was also very good at his studies.

His dad kept telling him if he didn't do good, he would hit him with his belt, I myself still couldn't bring myself to tell him what was going on in my life. My new friends name was Peter, we played together all the time after school once our homework was finished, we also walked home together from school. But that didn't stop my neighbour from watching me watching my every move.

Every time I saw him, I would freeze, I tried to Ignore him, he still would find a way of bringing me to his house, the last two years of his life, when he knew he was dying he whipped me harder, that it would leave me marked. He told me that the marks would stay on me and with me for the rest of my life as a reminder of him.

I didn't know how I was going to hide the marks because if my family or my parents had seen them, they would be asking serious questions of what happened me, but thankfully the marks didn’t stay; they disappeared after a few days. I was able to hide them otherwise I would have to come up with some excuse.

One day my friend Peter saw one of the mark on the back of my leg. He asked me what happened. I just said nothing why. He said you have a mark that looks bad you need to see a doctor. I said no, it's okay. I fell last night it will go away in its own time. He said okay then let's play ball or we can go to my bedroom and play video games. I said okay if your parents don't mind me going to your house.

He did ask his parents if it was okay for me to play games in his room, his mum was okay with it but his dad wasn't happy about it. Plus he also knew that he had made a new friend he didn't think he would make a friend as fast as he did.

The morning I heard that my neighbour had passed away, I was so happy I know I shouldn't have been. But I knew he wouldn't be abusing me anymore, my parents went to the funeral. I didn't want to go so I stayed at home. I told my parents that when they came home, I would be at Peter's house if they were looking for me.

At that time, I didn't know what was going on in Peter's head. I knew he wasn't happy, but he always kept a smile on his face. So, one day we sat in a meadow and I asked him if he was okay, he looked at me and said why do you ask that.

I said you look a little sad was it me that was making you sad, if so I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you sad I only want to make you happy your my best friend, he said Jeff It's not you it's my dad, he expects me to do good in school. I said my parents are always saying that to me too.

He looked at me and said not like my dad, it was then I saw a tear in his eye. I said don't cry, please it will be okay. He said, it will never be okay I'm doing the best I can, my dad wants me to get nothing but A+ grades. I told him that I will in the bigger school.

His dad was putting so much pressure on him that he couldn't take it, this went on a few months before the summer holidays came. But he was still being bullied by his dad because he wasn't doing what he asked.

I asked Peter If there was anything I could do. He said there is nothing anyone can do. I hate my dad for what he's trying to make me do. I don't have much of a social life that's why I'm not playing with you much either, it's all because of my dad. I asked him if he had said anything to his mum.

He said I tried talking to my mum, and all she said was that he was only trying to make me a better person than him, plus he is also a very violent person, he would hit my mum with the back of his hand if she said anything to him.

He just said that there was only one way to stop his dad from pressuring him. He then said how can I get A+ grades when I'm not even in college yet. I said why don't you just say something to him or get the teacher to say something.

I then put my hand on his shoulder and looked at him. I said, what are you thinking because he got very quiet and wasn’t saying much. I said please don't do anything stupid, as I have only just found a very good friend in you. I don't want to lose you because you are the only one that plays with me more then my own family do.

He said I'm okay, you don't have to worry about me, I looked him in the eye and said too late I do worry about you. I said Peter, you're my only best friend I have in this world right now, I said I have enough going on in my own life too and that I would tell him someday. At the time, I was getting ready to go see my grandparents, we went to see them for three weeks every summer.

I said to Peter once I’m home after visiting my grandparents we can talk more but that day never came for me to tell him what had happened to me, I don't think he was even listening to me, he just said okay I need to go down home. I'll see you when later when you get home.

I said okay see you in three weeks you mind yourself and I’ll tell you how my holidays went when I get home. He said okay have fun my friend. My parents started loading the car with the luggage, as we were getting ready for a long drive to see the grandparents they were my mum’s parents.

Once we got to my grandparents, they were very happy to see us as our aunt and uncles were always good to us and always looked forward to seeing us every year. My grandad would go and get the wood for the fire to stock it up for the winter our uncle used to cut it up in the yard. I offered to help my grandad with it, and he said no that’s my job.

So I left him at