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Identity, Teaching, & Lifelong Learning By: Pat. Williams For as long as I could remember I wanted to become a teacher. I think I found out in grade seven. I remember telling my L.A. teacher. She was so proud, I remember our conversation. She said, Its the best job in the world, I get to come to school every day and spend my time with you guys. That seemed like a grand idea. However, at that time, being an engineer was still on the table. My dad really wanted me to do it, so I figured I would. At this time being a teacher seemed like fun. I went to high school and had a great experience playing on a team with my brothers. It was such a good experience because we cared so much about each other and we were so committed to growing with each other. We lost two years in a row because we were young and inexperienced. My grade twelve year all of the reps and scouts said us we would lose, and every game we proved them wrong, and we took the trophy home. We pushed ourselves physically, and even academically. Those were such simple times, when our responsibilities comprised of memorizing plays and getting to class on time. We loved our coaches; they taught us lots in the class room, and on the field. I always loved having a coach as a teacher they would relate course content to football and we just got a kick out of that. It was being around these coaches that solidified my wanting to be a teacher. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of young men, teach them life skills, like respect and discipline. I wanted to be like my coaches. I was enrolled in the education program at Mount Royal; however, they did not have a full degree at the time. That year was a confusing year. I knew I wanted to be a teacher but I also knew that I was not ready to go to the University of Calgary. At that point it was irrelevant

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because my first semester was an absolute disaster. On top of all that I had lots of personal stuff going on, such as failed relationships and friendships. I could not focus on school at all, but I knew if I did not pick my grades up I would not be staying in university for very long. Thats when she came along. I was sitting in class looking out the window. I remember feeling especially isolated because my peers were much older than me. I usually sat alone and worked by myself. This is very uncharacteristic of me, but I was at such a low point. There were so many changes; and there was so much adversity, more than I had ever faced. I was there because I had to be, I was just going through the motions. Class time had ended and I started to pack my bag. My professor walked up to my table. She is a short Indian lady from Nepal, lets call her Mrs. Nepali. She is very kind and sort of pushy at the same time and she is outspoken and very honest. As I was packing up my bag she puts all of her documents and papers in front of me. She asked, could you help me carry these upstairs? I complied and helped her upstairs. When we got to her office, I put the papers down and started to make my way out. Then she said, come with me. I started to worry but I did as she had asked. She took me to this small room with a desk in it and asked me to sit down. She said, you have not handed in your paper and you skipped your quiz. So you are going to sit in here until you finish your quiz and take as long as you need for your paper, but I want you to hand something in. I cannot fail you. I remember being absolutely stunned. I am in a university and a professor went out of her way to acknowledge me. I was still young, I was 18, I was no adult. I had stuff going on and I guess she understood all of that. I showed up to her class a week after and listened to her lecture. I regret to this day not paying

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attention to her classes before that. It was so interesting that I switched programs. I went into sociology and did not look back. I still wanted to be a teacher, but this way, I got to stay at Mount Royal for longer and develop myself and go into U of C better prepared. Sociology really opened my mind. It changed me so much. I grew up a lot in those four years. I was privileged to learn from some amazing professors. They taught me so much, not just about life and the world, but about myself. They watched me struggle and they watched as I overcame those struggles. I spent most of my time studying Marxism, feminist theory, and economic sociology. Each professor sat on a spectrum of academic success and personal growth and they were all great. However, it was Mrs. Nepali that gave me so much knowledge but also guided me in my own personal development. I have all of her notes, text books, and course packs in a shoe box. This is because I plan to use it all as a teacher. I want to expose the world to students, I want them to think critically about their surroundings, and give them the means to discover themselves in relation to the world. I want to give out second chances, I want students to know that I care about them; I want to influence students to become better people, more loving people. Now, I want to be like her. I am at the University of Calgary, and everything is going well. I happy to say that the instruction I have received here has been great and I am enjoying myself. Now that I have my identity formed, I am not looking for personal growth. Now I am looking for practical skills that will enable me to support students and become successful in life (MacKeracher, 2004). However, I understand that I am still developing, I am still young. Surprisingly, there are a few courses that are further developing my identity and enabling me to develop more personally. It is interesting, I think I am done growing and my mind is ready but then you meet someone or you take a class

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and youre learning about yourself again. I guess it is safe to say that I will continue to learn and grow and I will continue to make mistakes and learn from them. This course in particular is developing my teaching identity, and many time reaffirming my role as a teacher. The very first article by Palmer, The Courage to Teach is amazing. He really understands what it means to teach. In my last practicum, what I heard from many teachers in one form or another was, work on your relationships with students, and the learning will fall into place, they will want to listen to you. This is very characteristic of Palmer (1998) as he discusses how connecting with his students depends more on who he is as a person rather than the correct methods that are implemented. You cannot fake being a good teacher; you cant fake being a good person. I have this sense, and basically it allows me to pick up vibes from people. Call it a good thing or bad thing, but I really like it. I will also add that according to Kolbs learning styles I am a diverger and secondly, an accommodator. So I am very observant, I act when necessary, and I am extremely keen on picking up feelings (I personally believe it is an amazing combination). So in my last practicum I was sitting with my peers and we were talking about our weekend and whatever else. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a teacher very carefully observing us, more like eavesdropping. It did not seem polite, if you want to join the conversation, then join. He makes his way over, introduces himself, starts talking about teaching and how it is so great, and the kids are wonderful, and very thing an amazing teacher would say. The only thing is, amazing teachers do not talk about their teaching. Good teachers like Palmer reflect, they do not talk. You can tell who a good teacher is by the way they talk, their posture, their smile. Good teachers are good people (Palmer, 1998). I was very quiet, but all of my peers were very excited about what he was saying. My spidey senses were tingling, I knew there was something not

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right about this guy. I told my partner, lets go to his class next, I want to see him. Luckily I am not the type of person to judge right away; however, once I see you behave a certain way that is when I have made my mind up. I will also add that with children they are still developing and maturing, so when they act out, I am fairly forgiving. However, with adults, it would take some convincing to win me back. So we are in his class and I was bummed out with his teaching style. His class management was poor. The kids were not really taking him seriously. He was giving his students wrong answers and talking down to them. I do not like being judgemental, that is not me. But after you say all of those wonderful things and then you behave so poorly with the students and make so many mistakes, it bothers me. Maybe he was having a bad week; either way, I did everything he asked and I respected his space. He is not a bad person, although, one of my peers caught him eavesdropping on our seminar meeting. I think his identity is insecure and his integrity is weak, which is why his teaching was poor. Good teaching is dependent on the integrity and the identity of a teacher (Palmer, 1998). I do not want to say he is a bad person, however, I think he might be teaching for the wrong reasons. So where am I as an adult learner and as a teacher? Well it is hard to say. I know now that becoming a teacher is not the end destination. I now understand the significance of having a well-developed identity and a keen sense of integrity. I believe that I have the right identity and integrity to support students. I also know that I am not done learning. Being an adult learner and teacher are intertwined. As an adult learner my experiences are good resources for learning (MacKeracher, 2004). Furthermore, I am motivated to learn and develop my competence that will allow me to achieve my full potential in life (MacKeracher, 2004). It is good to know that someone as experienced as Palmer feels uncomfortable teaching a new class. I am confident in

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myself, I have to be. However, I know that my best learning will come from making mistakes. I do not know how I feel about making mistakes with students. They are going to depend on me. It cannot be helped because I will always be learning. If I make a mistake one day, the next day I will have to be better for my students. It scary to know that next year I will be a teacher: someone who is regarded as all knowing. But I do not know everything, and I guess that is ok. As long as I have the willingness to help others, reflect back on my experiences, and learn from my mistakes.

What are you doing for the future sustainability of this planet? This is important not because you are taking this class but because it is relevant for your own future, your children, and your grandchildren. -Mrs. Nepali

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References MacKereacher, D. (2004). Assumptions about adult learning. 2nd (Ed.), Making Sense of Adult Learning (pp. 43-69) Toronto, Canada: University of Toronto Press Palmer, P. J. (1998). The Heart of a Teacher, Identity and Integrity in teaching. 1st (Ed.), The Courage to Teach (pp. 1-12). San Francisco, United States of America: Jossey-Bass