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PIRATES, Rated ARRRR!!!: Young Woman: Um... Hello?

The young woman Josephine applies for a cabin boy position with a pirate crew. During the interview, the pirate Inky subjects Josephine to a series of absurd "routine questions" and ridiculous intelligence tests administered by the boisterous pirate Malarkey. Though confused by the nonsensical nature of the questions and tests, Josephine remains determined to prove herself for the position. Inky then informs her that she must pass the next test of "swashbuckling" to become a pirate.

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58 views

PIRATES, Rated ARRRR!!!: Young Woman: Um... Hello?

The young woman Josephine applies for a cabin boy position with a pirate crew. During the interview, the pirate Inky subjects Josephine to a series of absurd "routine questions" and ridiculous intelligence tests administered by the boisterous pirate Malarkey. Though confused by the nonsensical nature of the questions and tests, Josephine remains determined to prove herself for the position. Inky then informs her that she must pass the next test of "swashbuckling" to become a pirate.

Uploaded by

api-269726411
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
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PIRATES, rated ARRRR!!!

Scene opens with a lemonade-stand like structure DSL. A sign


overhead reads PIRATES RE-CREW-TMENT. Seated at the
structure, legs up and lightly napping, is a fairly typical pirate.
Centre Stage is a chalkboard with the alphabet written out, and
DSR a small curtained structure, not unlike an old fashioned
dressing tent one would see at the beach. The silence is
punctuated by an occasional snore from the pirate.
SR, a young woman enters, also dressed in the manner of a
pirate; but her clothes are fairly neat and clean, as though she
were playing at being a pirate. She hastily ties her hair into a
ponytail at her back as she approaches the stand and the
sleeping pirate. She stands there a moment, waiting to be
noticed, and jumps when the pirate lets out a particularly loud
snore.
Young Woman: Um...hello?
(beat)
Excuse me?
(beat)
Mr. Pirate?
(the pirate gives another loud snore, and the young woman looks
non-plussed. She looks around, thinking for a moment, and then
snaps her fingers as a good idea comes along)
FREE RUM!!!
(the pirate wakes with a start, falling out of their chair.)

Pirate: What? Who? Where? What...wait, I said what already.


When?!HOW?! WHYdont you have any rum?
Young Woman: Im sorry, I dont know what youre talking about.
Im here for the cabin boy position?
Pirate: Oh! Well, welcome me hearty, welcome. Cabin boy you
say? Let me just find the application form. Cabin boy, cabin boy
bosun, bilge rat, cooper, carpenter, cook, cockswain...ah! Cabin
boy, here we are. All right lad, Ive a few questions for you. First
off, whats yer name?
Young Woman: McGee, Josephine. I mean, erPirate: JOSEPHINE! That sounds like a womans name boy!
Young Woman: (hurriedly)Its short for, um..Bobby.
Pirate: Bobby! Fine name, fine name. Well then, Bobby McGee,
just some routine questions for you. FIRST! Are you missing any
limbs, eyes, ears, fingers, toes, spleens, or any other vital piece
oyer personage?
Bobby: Um...no?
Pirate: Excellent, excellent. Are you proficient in the mixology of
any of the following: Rum punch, mojitos, daiquaris, cuba libre,
those drinks they serve in coconuts with little umbrellas, and
straight rum?
Bobby:Um.no. I dont drink. Im underage.
Pirate: Oh. Well. Ahem, next question then. Have you ever
suffered from cabin fever, scarlet fever, yellow fever, green fever,
jail fever, lung fever, ship fever, or saturday night fever?
Bobby: Also no.

Pirate: Are you now, or have you ever been, or do you ever plan
to be crazy, mad, loco, or otherwise insane?
Bobby: These are routine questions?
Pirate: Yes.
Bobby: Well...no. Im of sound mind.
Pirate: Last question; did a strange old man come to your
mothers Inn one night, terrified of a one legged man, die of fright
upon receiving a message from a blind man, and give you a
treasure map?
Bobby: (confused beat) Oddly specific.
Pirate: Youd be surprised how many of us start out that way.
Bobby: No, that didnt happen.
Pirate: (puts down the quill pen, astounded, and looks at Bobby).
Are you telling me, that you arent missing any body parts, you
dont drink, youre perfectly healthy, youre not in the least bit
crazy and you dont have a treasure map?
Bobby: (nervously) Yes?
Pirate: ...then what do you want to become a pirate for? Because,
I gotta tell ya, those are basically the pre-requisites.
(heroic music begins to play as Bobby steps DSC, looking
romantically off into the distance, striking a heroic pose)
Bobby: I long to live a life of high adventure, to see the world I
can only read about in books, to witness strange new places and
peoples, to escape the life of idle luxury that I have suffered since

birth, and throw myself to the mercy of the wind and sea to
escape the marriage and life that have been arranged for me
without my consent. A pirates life is bold and free, yo-ho-yo-ho a
pirates life for me!
The music fades into silence, as the Pirate stares at Bobby. After a
beat, the Pirate picks the pen back up, whistling softly under their
breath.
Pirate: So thats a yes for crazy.
Bobby: What?
Pirate: Ok! Well, that all looks to be in order, just pass the three
tests of Piracy and youre hired.
Bobby: The three tests of Piracy?
Pirate: The ones that all pirates must pass to become one of the
Brethren. We must start with the test of intelligence! Ill need my
assistant for this. Malarkey!
(Malarkey the pirate enters, in a flambouyant pirate outfit)
Malarkey: Aye aye Inky, what can I do you for?
Inky: This here is Bobby Mcgee, wants to be our cabin boy. Bobby,
meet Malarkey Fullavit, our bosun and stand up comedian.
Malarkey: Welcome, er...Bobby. Well be doin the tests then eh?
Lets get started. To become one of the Brethren, yell have to
complete three tests. First, the Test of Intelligence. Dont look so
nervous lad, most pirates only pass one of the tests and they get
along just fine. Now, Im going to ask you three questions. Answer
one of them correctly and youll pass, savvy?
Inky: I love this part.

Bobby: All right, let me have your questions.


Malarkey: Ysee this chart here behind me? I want you to circle a
pirates favourite letter.
Bobby: A pirates favourite letter?
Malarkey: Thats right.
Bobby thinks hard for a moment, then circles the letter R. The
pirates shake their heads sadly.
Inky: It was a good try lad, thats better than most pirates do. Most
arent even sure what a letter is.
Bobby: You mean I got it wrong?
Malarkey: Sorry lad. You may think a pirates favourite letter is R,
but his true love B the C.
Bobby: But thats ridiculous, that isnt a proper answer!
Malarkey: Excuse me, but of the three of us here which one is a
pirate?
Inky counts confusedly on their fingers, trying to make sense of
that last sentence, as Malarkey continues.
Malarkey: Now settle down, there are more questions. Do you see
this parrot?
Malarkey pulls a parrot out from behind the chalkboard.
Bobby: Is it
Malarkey: Dead? Yes. Now, look at this parrot, and tell me which
side of the parrot has the most feathers.

Bobby: Um.ahh.I guess...the left side?


The pirates shake their heads sadly again, and Malarkey
gesticulates with the parrot.
Malarkey: Did someone drop you on your head lad? The outside of
the parrot is the side with the most feathers.
Bobby: What?!
Inky: Scientifically true and accurate, I could prove that in a court
of law!
Bobby: But...but I
Malarkey: Last question. Why do mermaids wear sea shells?
Bobby: I cant even...I dont know. Why?
Malarkey: Because B shells are too small! And if you are under the
age of twelve, you should not be laughing at that joke.
Bobby: Why you, you cheat, you dirty cheat, Ill get you for that!
Inky: Thats the spirit, because the next test is the test of
swashbuckling!
Malarkey draws their sword, much to Bobbys alarm...and then
hands it to Bobby.
Malarkey: Youll need this.
Bobby: What?

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