LOL101

St Matts Youth
Number 3 in the series

Fathers
Suitable for all ages

Jokealongalot

 Giffnock Consulting 2016

Fathers
Fathers
Dad at the Supermarket
My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone
prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go
to the supermarket for her.
She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the
grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four
boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green
peppers.

Look on the bright side

Dad to mum at breakfast table:
It certainly is easier to get Lachlan up for school since he got his nose ring.

Good & Bad News

Son: Dad, about the car. I have some good news and some bad news.
Whats the good news, son? asks Dad.
The air bag works.
Wisdom of the ancients
A father said to his son, "When Alexander the Great was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Alexander was your age, he was already dead."

The Handyman: 11 Cardinal Rules

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1. Work alone. An audience is the last thing that can help

2. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. Many fine tools are there
pretending to be kitchen utensils - and you are close to the refrigerator.
3. If it's electronic, consult a six-to-twelve-year old
4. Stay simple minded: if you cant fix it the first time, paint over it.
5. Kicking, pounding, and throwing DOES help.
6. If it looks level, it is level
7. It works better if you plug it in.
8. DONT FORCE IT. Get a larger hammer
9. If all else fails, theres always that chain saw.
10. If its not broken, fix it till it is
and finally 11. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Training courses for Dads

1.

Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2.

Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3.

Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

4.

Design Pattern or Stain on the Floor? - You CAN Tell the

Difference!

5.

Accepting Loss I: If Its Empty, You can Throw It Away

6.

Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping
It In the Refrigerator Wont Bring It Back

7.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Five Easy Ways to Tell Youre About to Run Out
of Toilet Paper.

8.

Strange But True! She Really May NOT Care What Silly-mid-on
Means.

9.

Directions: Its Okay to Ask for Them. Really.

10.

Accepting Your Limitations: Because youve Power Tools Doesnt

Mean You Can Fix It

Shut up, he explained.

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[P J Wodehouse]

Do it now
If you have any advice to give to your kids, give it to them while they are
young enough to believe you know what you are talking about.
The Duel
Freddy came home from school one afternoon all banged up, bashed &
bruised. His father asked him what on earth had happened.
"Well, Dad, it was like this," Freddy began. "I challenged Larry to a duel and
you know how it goes I gave him the choice of weapons."
"Hmmm that seems fair." Said his Dad
"I know," went on Freddy, "but I never expected him to choose his sister!"

One Minute Test for Dads

Are you a Real Man? [circle correct answer]

Answers must be spontaneous. As usual.
Q1. A spaceship lands on your lawn. Out pops an alien and in a grand gesture
of inter-galactic friendship presents you with a small device that will instantly
cure pollution and fix the ozone layer. What do you do with it?
a). Present it to the Prime Minister?
b) Present it to the United Nations?
c) Take it apart?
Q2. As you grow older, what lost quality of youth do you miss most?
a). Innocence?
b). Idealism?
c). Fireworks?
Q3. You wake up to find your wife feeling ill. She asks you to get the three
kids ready for school. What is your first question?
a). do they need to eat or anything?
b). should I drive them or will they get the bus?
c). there are three of them?
Q4. You are not married but you have this crush on this really cool girl. One
evening she says to you that she thinks you ought to seriously discuss the
possibility of formalising your relationship. Do you say?
a). That it would be wise to have a long and frank discussion about this?
b). That you need time to consider the implications as youd hate to make a
rash decision?

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c). That you cannot believe the Wallabies lost to South Africa last month?
Answers: [c] is what you said. Answering either [a] or [b] would have saved
you that trip to the hospital. Please memorise and save on medical bills.

The efficiency expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
You dont want to try these techniques at home.
Why not? asked someone in the audience.
The expert replied, I watched my wifes routine at breakfast for months, he
explained. I said to her, Dearest, I notice you make many single trips with
jam or milk or cutlery and to various modal spots, such as the fridge, the sink
and the pantry. Multi-tasking with several items might be worth trying.
A voice from the back asked, Did it save time?
The expert replied, Actually, yes. It used to take my wife 20 minutes to get
breakfast ready. Now I do it in under seven.
Lateral thinking
Late one evening Dad opened the kitchen door to let out our cat but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing tools & equipment.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is a burglar actually in your house?" and
he said no. Then they said that all police were busy and that he should simply
lock his door and a car would be along when available. Dad said "Okay," hung
up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello. I called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you neednt worry now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within three minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit and an
ambulance arrived at Georges home. They caught the burglars red-handed.
A policemen said to George: "I thought you said that youd shot them!"
Dad said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

Things Dad Will Never Say

Well, how about that! I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for
directions.

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I noticed that all your friends have a certain negative attitude. I like that!

Here's a credit card and the keys to the car. Enjoy!

What do you mean you want to play football? Ballet dancing not good
enough for you, son?

Dearest, your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might
want to consider throwing a party.

Well, whatevers wrong with your car, just tow to a garage and Ill pay
whatever it takes.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now,
get out and dont come back without one

What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for
you to spend.

Differences between Men and Women

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. When men are
depressed, they invade another country.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you
know which sex is smarter.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man

marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men & maths

The boy came over to his father and asked if he could help with a maths
problem.
Dad reluctantly agreed and enquired as to the nature of the question.
I have to find the lowest common denominator said the boy.
Really? said Dad. Im surprised they havent found it yet they were looking
for it when I was at school.

Dads Tips on Toddler training

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There is no such thing as child proofing your house.

A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.
Double-glazing won't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it is already too late.
Far, far too late.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a two bedroom flat to a
depth of 3 centimetres. Isn't that interesting?
Never use the words Play dough and Microwave in the same
sentence.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
On reflection, you probably do not want to know what that odour is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight
when dizzy.

The thunderstorm
It was a dark and stormy night. Little Johnny said,
Mum, will you sleep with me tonight?
Giving him a hug & a kiss, she said,
I cant. Ive got to spend the night with your Daddy
There was a long silence before Johnny muttered,
The big sissy.

News time
What do you want, Dad the good news or the bad news?
Better give me the good news, son
I didnt get any detentions at school this week!
Thats excellent, son. Now, whats the bad news?
Oh, no Dad. You dont get both. That was an either/or question

Commando Raid
Liz had just returned from Kids Club and her father asked her what shed
learned.
Liz said, It was awesome, Dad! Gai explained how this guy Moses sent a
force behind enemy lines near the Red Sea.

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The troops erected some pontoon bridges over the Red Sea and all the
people crossed over. Then when the Egyptians tried to follow, Moses called
in Air Support and blew the bridges to smithereens and destroyed all the
Egyptian troops and tanks.
Lizs father was horrified. Did Gai tell you all that?
Well, no, conceded Liz, but you would not believe the version Gai came up
with!

Lateral thinking
Johnny was very naughty, so his mother was very surprised when dad
suggested that they buy him a bike. Will that help his behaviour? asked
mum.
No, replied Dad, but it will spread it over a much wider area.

When Dad was young,

The Dead Sea was only slightly unwell.

Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder

TV had an interesting programme on every month or so.

Why Dads are different

1. Gray hairs only add character
2. The same hairstyle lasts decades
3. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
4. If another guy turns up to a party in an identical outfit, you might
just become lifelong friends
5. We don't have to clean the house just because someone is coming to
read the electricity meter
6. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
7. A five-day trip requires one suitcase
8. We can leave a motel bed unmade
9. Three pairs of shoes is excessive.
10. We know stuff about U-Boats

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Good question 1
A small boy is helping his dad dig up potatoes.
What I want to know, grumbled the boy is why you buried the things in the
first place.
Good question 2
Q: Why is a dog better than a dad?
A: Because the later you get home, the happier it is.

Tea, anyone?
One day Dad was sick in bed at home with his four year-old daughter, who
was always wanting to be of help to Daddy. So the young girl got a magazine
for Daddy, fluffed all the pillows and even made him a cup of tea!
Dad was very pleased with the tea and asked his daughter how she had ever
learned to make tea on her own. She proudly told her dad, "Well, I've seen
mummy do it LOADS of times. Only this time I couldn't find the strainer, so I
used the fly swatter instead."
"YOU WHAT!?! Dad cried.
"Don't worry, Dad - I didn't use the new fly swatter; I used the old one."

Good old days

"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head,
"I was disciplined by being sent to my room. But our son has his own TV,
computer, internet access and CD player in there."
"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.
"I send him to our room"

Load off Dads mind

Son: Dad, remember that golf club that you were always worried I might
bend?
Dad: What of it?
Son: Well, your worries are over!

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The Toy Shop

Dad:
Sales assistant:
Dad:

That's a terrific train set. I'll take it!

I'm sure your son will just love playing with it.
You may have a point. I'll take two.

Silly question
The Customs Officer watched as a man and eight children approached his
counter at the airport.
Customs Officer: Returning home, sir?
Dad
Yes; I took my kids to visit their grandparents.
Customs Officer They're all yours?
Dad
Every one of them
Customs Officer
Would there be any drugs, or dangerous weapons
amongst that baggage, sir?
Dad
Mate, I'd have used them long ago
Customs Officer
Good point. Straight through, then, sir.

U-turn, we turn
Dad is taking his daughter to school when he inadvertently makes an illegal
U-turn at the lights.
Uh, oh! I just made an illegal turn says Dad.
Its okay, Dad, says his daughter, The police car behind us just did the
same thing.

A Lot to Think About

The teacher was explaining how God had told Lot to take his wife and flee
out of the city. And above all, not to turn back.
Unfortunately, Lot's wife turned back and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Kid No. 1: "That's nothing. Yesterday we were driving with Dad. He looked
around and turned into a telegraph pole."
Kid No. 2 "What happened to the flea?"

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Aspirations
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked a father
of his son.
"Diet."
Well-behaved
Babysitter to their father
They were just perfect especially after I promised that if they behaved you
would buy them each a pony in the morning.
Bedevilled Dad
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
sermon on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this
Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied,
"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. My money is on your dad."
Kerb crawler
A boy is walking along the road when a car pulls up beside him.
If you get in the car Ill give you a bag of sweets, says the driver.
The boy ignores him.
Okay, says the driver, Get in the car and Ill give you two bags plus $10.
The boy ignores him.
All right - $20!
The boy turns to the driver and says,
Look, Dad, for the last time, Im not getting into that Volvo.

Gift Wrapping Tips For Men

When we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men
"presented gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." There is no mention of
wrapping paper. This is because the people giving those gifts had two
important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men dont understand the point of putting
paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my

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opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I

know.
"No one ever had to wonder which presents Dad wrapped at Christmas,"
my son said. "They are the ones that looked like enormous papier mache
representations of one of the larger planets."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never
completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it
the exact centre of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation
volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a
sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a
marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half
of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper,
she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes
wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that
come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am
presenting:
HOW TO WRAP GIFTS OR NOT
Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient
opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make
your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half
horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food colouring and liquid starch.
They must be on drugs!
If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a
bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a garbage bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow tied around it!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the garbage bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how
you wrap it. The important thing is that you save the receipt.

Speedy
The two kids were boasting about their fathers.

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My Dad is do fast he can catch a wallaby crossing a paddock within 100

metres
Huh, thats nothing, said the second. My Dad works for the Oodnadatta
Council.
He knocks off work at 5.00pm and is home by 4.00

Dads profession
What does your Dad do?
When hes not pole-dancing, he runs a people smuggling racket.
Really??? Well, no hes actually an economist, but Id prefer my friends
didnt know that.

Priorities
The grandfather was always keen for his six year-old grandson to help him
work on his car.
One day his father asked him, What does Grandpa pay you for all those
hours you spend helping with the car?
The boy looked his Dad squarely in the eye and said,
Grandpa pays me attention.

Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such an idiot.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.

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3. I guess mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between mums and dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's
who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

Like father, ...

A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad
can't find the tickets.
Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there." Bobby: "OK, Dad."
Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting
outside the stadium.
Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."

Parent/teacher night
Teacher to Dad:

Your son will go down in history. However, he may

scrape through in English and Maths.

When they got home, his father said, Im ashamed of you. When I was your
age I could name all the Prime Ministers of Australia and in the right order.
His son responded, Yes, but there were only two of them.

Trying to score
The Collingwood AFL star player asked a young ladys father for her hand in
marriage. The father said, Never. I will never let my daughter marry a football
player especially from Collingwood.
The footballer said, At least you could come and Collingwood play on
Saturday.

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The father went to the match thanks to some complimentary tickets and the
very next day called the young man and said, Okay, not a problem. You may
marry my daughter. Youre certainly no footballer.
Hows what?
The expectant father was caught overseas when his wife unexpectedly went
into labour He rang the hospital to see how his wife was progressing
Unfortunately, by mistake he rang the local cricket ground.
Hows it going? he asked.
Not bad, was the reply. We should have them all out by lunch and the
last one was a duck.
Be Prepared
Bill was playing a social round with bet friend Roger when he exclaimed
Oops! I forgot that I need to practice for tomorrows game.
With that he turned at right-angles to the fairway and hit a 3 wood as hard as
possible into the rough which was only about 15 metres away.
After a brilliant recovery shot he then chipped into a large bunker, recovered
sensationally to be within a metre of the pin then took his putter and
hammered the ball back into a bunker.
Good grief! said Roger, What on earth are you practising for?
Bill replied, Its the Father-Son Golf Tournament.

Plane misbehaving

The man rang home to say that he would be arriving three hours late.
How come? his son asked.
My plane has been grounded, his father explained.
Grounded? the boy said. I didnt know planes had parents.
Worked last time
The father asked his little daughter what shed like for Christmas. She replied
that, more than anything else, she would like a baby brother.

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The timing was perfect, and on Christmas Eve her mother came home with a
baby boy.
The following year the father again asked his daughter what shed like for
Christmas.
Well, she replied, If its not too uncomfortable for mum, Id like a pony.
The son replied, "When Alexander was your age, he was already dead."

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