Ten Keys to Handling

Unreasonable & Difficult People

Most of us encounter unreasonable people in our lives. We may be stuck with a
difficult individual at work or at home. Its easy to let a challenging person affect us
and ruin our day. What are some of the keys to empowering yourself in such
situations? Below are ten keys to handling unreasonable and difficult people. Keep in
mind that these are general rules of thumb, and not all of the tips may apply to your
particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest.
For more in-depth tools on how to effectively handle difficult individuals, download
free excerpts of my publications (click on titles) How to Communicate Effectively
and Handle Difficult People(link is external), Communication Success with Four
Personality Types(link is external), and How to Successfully Handle PassiveAggressive People(link is external).
1.

Keep Your Cool

Benefits: Maintain self-control. Avoid escalation of problem.

How: The first rule in the face of an unreasonable person is to maintain your
composure; the less reactive you are, the more you can use your better judgment to
handle the situation.
When you feel angry or upset with someone, before you say something you might
later regret, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten. In most circumstances, by
the time you reach ten, you would have figured out a better way of communicating
the issue, so that you can reduce, instead of escalate the problem. If you're still
upset after counting to ten, take a time out if possible, and revisit the issue after you
calm down.
2.

"Fly Like an Eagle"

Benefits: More peace of mind. Reduce risk of friction.

How: Some people in our lives are simply not worth tussling with. Your time is
valuable, so unless theres something important at stake, dont waste it by trying to
change or convince a person whos negatively entrenched. As the saying goes: You
cant fly like an eagle if you hang out with turkeys! Whether youre dealing with a
difficult colleague or an annoying relative, be diplomatic and apply the tips from this
article when you need to interact with them. The rest of the time, keep a healthy
distance.
3.

Shift from Being Reactive to Proactive

Benefits: Minimize misinterpretation & misunderstanding. Concentrate energy on

problem-solving.
How: When you feel offended by someones words or deeds, come up with multiple
ways of viewing the situation before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think
that my co-worker is ignoring my messages, or I can consider the possibility that
shes been very busy. When we avoid personalizing other people's behaviors, we
can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of
them more than because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can
reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.
Another way to reduce personalization is to try to put ourselves in the difficult
individuals shoes, even for just a moment. For example, consider the person youre
dealing with, and complete the sentence: It must not be easy.
My child is being so resistant. It must not be easy to deal with his school and social
pressures
My boss is really demanding. It must not be easy to have such high expectations
placed on her performance by management
My partner is so emotionally distant. It must not be easy to come from a family
where people dont express affection
To be sure, empathetic statements do not excuse unacceptable behavior. The point
is to remind yourself that people do what they do because of their own issues. As
long as were being reasonable and considerate, difficult behaviors from others say a

lot more about them than they do about us. By de-personalizing, we can view the
situation more objectively, and come up with better ways of solving the problem.
4.

Pick Your Battles

Benefits: Save time, energy and grief. Avoid unnecessary problems and
complications.
How: Not all difficult individuals we face require direct confrontation about their
behavior. There are two scenarios under which you might decide not to get involved.
The first is when someone has temporary, situational power over you. For example,
if youre on the phone with an unfriendly customer service representative, as soon as
you hang up and call another agent, this representative will no longer have power
over you.
Another situation where you might want to think twice about confrontation is when,
by putting up with the difficult behavior, you derive a certain benefit. An example of
this would be an annoying co-worker, for although you dislike her, shes really good
at providing analysis for your team, so shes worth the patience. Its helpful to
remember that most difficult people have positive qualities as well, especially if you
know how to elicit them (see keys #5 and 6).
In both scenarios, you have the power to decide if a situation is serious enough to
confront. Think twice, and fight the battles that are truly worth fighting.
5.

Separate the Person From the Issue

Benefits: Establish yourself as a strong problem solver with excellent people skills.
Win more rapport, cooperation and respect.
How: In every communication situation, there are two elements present: The
relationship you have with this person, and the issue you are discussing. An effective
communicator knows how to separate the person from the issue, and be soft on the
person and firm on the issue. For example:
I want to talk about whats on your mind, but I cant do it when youre yelling. Lets
either sit down and talk more quietly, or take a time out and come back this
afternoon.

I appreciate you putting a lot of time into this project. At the same time, I see that
three of the ten requirements are still incomplete. Lets talk about how to finish the
job on schedule.
I really want you to come with us. Unfortunately, if youre going to be late like the
last few times, well have to leave without you.
When were soft on the person, people are more open to what we have to say. When
were firm on the issue, we show ourselves as strong problem solvers.
6.

Put the Spotlight on Them

Benefits: Proactive. Equalize power in communication. Apply appropriate pressure

to reduce difficult behavior.
How: A common pattern with difficult people (especially the aggressive types) is that
they like to place attention on you to make you feel uncomfortable or inadequate.
Typically, theyre quick to point out theres something not right with you or the way
you do things. The focus is consistently on whats wrong, instead of how to solve
the problem.
This type of communication is often intended to dominate and control, rather than to
sincerely take care of issues. If you react by being on the defensive, you simply fall
into the trap of being scrutinized, thereby giving the aggressor more power while she
or he picks on you with impunity. A simple and powerful way to change this dynamic
is to put the spotlight back on the difficult person, and the easiest way to do so is to
ask questions. For example:
Aggressor: Your proposal is not even close to what I need from you.
Response: Have you given clear thought to the implications of what you want to
do?
Aggressor: Youre so stupid.
Response: If you treat me with disrespect Im not going to talk with you anymore. Is
that what you want? Let me know and I will decide if I want to stay or go.

Keep your questions constructive and probing. By putting the difficult person in the
spotlight, you can help neutralize her or his undue influence over you.
7.

Use Appropriate Humor

Benefits: Disarm unreasonable and difficult behavior when correctly used. Show
your detachment. Avoid being reactive. Problem rolls off your back.
How: Humor is a powerful communication tool. Years ago I knew a co-worker who
was quite stuck up. One day a colleague of mine said Hello, how are you? to him.
When the egotistical co-worker ignored her greeting completely, my colleague didnt
feel offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and quipped: That good, huh?
This broke the ice and the two of them started a friendly conversation. Brilliant.
When appropriately used, humor can shine light on the truth, disarm difficult
behavior, and show that you have superior composure. In How to Communicate
Effectively and Handle Difficult People(link is external), I explain the psychology of
humor in conflict resolution, and offer a variety of ways one can use humor to reduce
or eliminate difficult behavior.
8.

Change from Following to Leading

Benefit: Leverage direction and flow of communication.

How: In general, whenever two people are communicating, one is usually doing
more leading, while the other is doing more following. In healthy communication, two
people would take turns leading and following. However, some difficult people like to
take the lead, set a negative tone, and harp on whats wrong over and over.
You can interrupt this behavior simply by changing the topic. As mentioned earlier,
utilize questions to redirect the conversation. You can also say By the way and
initiate a new subject. When you do so, youre taking the lead and setting a more
constructive tone.
9.

Confront Bullies (Safely)

Benefits: Reduce or eliminate harmful behavior. Increase confidence and peace of

mind.

How: The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on
those whom they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and
compliant, you make yourself a target. Many bullies are also cowards on the inside.
When their victims begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully
will often back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office
environments.
On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are victims of violence
themselves. This in no way excuses bullying behavior, but may help you consider the
bully in a more equanimous light.
When people don't like themselves very much, they have to make up for it. The
classic bully was actually a victim first. Tom Hiddleston
Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others. Paramhansa
Yogananda
I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It's the bully who's insecure.
Shay Mitchell
When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can
safely protect yourself, whether its standing tall on your own, having other people
present to witness and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bullys inappropriate
behavior. In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling,
legal, law enforcement, or administrative professionals on the matter. Its very
important to stand up to bullies, and you dont have to do it alone.
10.

Set Consequence

Benefits: Proactive not reactive. Shift balance of power. Win respect and
cooperation when appropriately applied.
How: The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important
skills we can use to "stand down" a difficult person. Effectively articulated,
consequence gives pause to the challenging individual, and compels her or him to
shift from obstruction to cooperation. In How to Communicate Effectively and
Handle Difficult People(link is external), consequence is presented as seven
different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.

In conclusion, to know how to handle unreasonable and difficult people is to truly

master the art of communication. As you utilize these skills, you may experience less
grief, greater confidence, better relationships, and higher communication prowess.
You are on your way to leadership success!

Don't Try to Reason with

Unreasonable People
Simple strategies for dealing with mean or crazy people
Are there people in your life that you try so hard to get along with, but you somehow
always leave the interaction feeling disheartened, sad, angry, or demeaned? Are
there people you dread running into or spending time with because there's just
something about them that strips you of your power, either provoking you into acting
"crazy" (when you normally are quite a sane, nice-to-be-around person) or somehow
always managing to make you give up something that's important to your well-being?
One of my coaching clients shared with me the experience of a person she is close
to. He makes little digs all the time during conversation, despite claiming to be a
supportive and loving friend. Whenever she leaves an encounter, my client feels a
hollow ache of "sadness and hopelessness" that lasts into the next day. After
spending time with this person she'll often explode in the car on the way home, and
her boyfriend looks at her like she's nuts. She's notbut the unhealthy nature of the
conversation (as poisoned by her "friend") is.
The art of understanding and handling the unreasonable person is probably the
biggest lesson I've learned in the last few years, provoked by some interpersonal
and professional crises I experienced that I had originally thought were my fault. I
was very fortunate to find an amazing relationship coach who has a background in
psychology and unique expertise in personality disorders. She helped me to see that
I was usually dealing with disordered individuals, and that I was making classic
mistakes in trying to make the relationships work.
As I'm a medical doctor with some training in psychiatry, understanding that I was
dealing with individuals with a bona fide personality disorder was a huge "a-ha"

moment. The thing is, there might be a clear list of characteristics describing
someone with borderline, antisocial or narcissistic PD in the DSM (Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). But when you're dealing with one of these
people, it often won't become (diagnosably) apparent until you spend a lot of time
with them. And even then, if you're really emotionally ensnarled you might not be
able to spot it on your own.
Interacting with them might just make you feel really bad about yourself, or they may
say and do things that don't sit quite right with you. Often, they have such an
otherwise charming way about them that they find a way to make
you laugh afterwards, or do something nice that makes you confused about "which
one" is the real person. Most people will choose to focus on the good stuff and
downplay the pathological, often at their peril.
A difficult person in your life might not have a full-blown personality disorder; they
may just have related traits that express themselves from time to time. It still takes a
toll on yourself-esteem and well-being to be around them.
For the purposes of this article, here's a short list of the types of people I would lump
into the "unreasonable":

Those you can't have a reasonable conversation with; they somehow twist
your words or totally confuse you and then tell you that you're the one who
doesn't know how to communicate

People who make subtly or overtly demeaning comments or say cutting things
to you disguised as a "joke"

Those that don't respect boundaries and seem to enjoy stepping all over one
after you've placed it

The types that aren't willing to consider your point of view or listen to your side
of things (or just stare at you blankly, or laugh, or explode, when you try to
explain "how you feel")

Bullies

Verbal or emotional abusers (these can also range from subtle to overt)

Manipulators

Liars

People who leave you feeling bad, sad, shaky or feeling sick in the pit of your
stomach

"Crazymakers," a.k.a. people who provoke you into acting crazy or

unbalanced (andlove making you feel like there's something wrong with you
when you do), when your behaviour across the rest of your life is proof that
you're not

The excessively charming who are too good to be true and have an ulterior
motive

You know who I mean.

Now, here are the things I've learned about how to handle them and minimize the
damage to yourself, your days, your sanity and your life:
1) Minimize time with them
Keep your interactions as short as possible. Minimizing your exposure to pathology
goes a long, long way.
2) Keep it logical
I'm a very verbal, heart-focused person, so I would always try to connect with and
reason with these types (and pretty much anyone else) from an emotional or
empathic perspective. You know, those "when you do X it makes me feel Y"
communication tactics we're taught in relationship books. This type of heart-centered
communication only works with reasonable people who care. Unreasonable people
usually don't care, and their response (or lack of it) will often only make you more
upset. Keep communications fact-based, using minimal details.
3) Don't drink around them
Though it's tempting to knock back a glass of wine or two when you're around people
like this, it will only make you more emotionally vulnerable and more likely to do or

say something useless that will either make you look bad, make you feel bad, or
make you more of a target.
4) Focus on them in conversation
A way to avoid being the target of demeaning comments, manipulation or having
your words twisted is to say as little as possible. Volunteer minimal information and
get them talking about themselves (if you have to be around them or talk to them,
that is)they are a far safer conversation subject than you are.
5) Give up the dream that they will one day be the person you wish they'd be
I see this in coaching clients all the time and in myself, too. There are people in our
lives who have moments where they seem to be the parent/partner/spouse/friend
(insert whatever's appropriate) you've always felt they could be, yet they ultimately
always end up hurting or disappointing us significantly. Amazingly, we fall for it and
get our hopes up again the next time they treat us nicely or seem to have turned a
new leaf. Giving up the hope and fully accepting this person for who they really are
can be an unbelievable relief after what is sometimes a lifetime of wishing.
6) Stay away from topics that get you into trouble
Before going into an interaction with a difficult person, review in your mind the topics
that invite attack and be proactive about avoiding them. For example, if your in-laws
always make cracks about your choice of career, answer neutrally and change the
subject immediately (see #4) if they ask you how work is going.
7) Don't try to get them to see your point of view
Don't try to explain yourself or try to get them to understand you and empathize with
your perspective. They won't, and you'll just feel worse for trying.
8) Create a distraction
If you absolutely have to spend time with someone who typically upsets you, try to
be around them in circumstances that offer some sort of distraction. Focus on

playing with a pet if there's one in the vicinity, have the interaction be based around
some kind of recreational activity or entertainment, or offer to help in a way that
takes you out of the main ring of the Coliseum (e.g. offering to chop vegetables in
the kitchen before a family dinner). If you can get them to do something that absorbs
their attention (taking it off you), even better.
As I mentioned to a client today, if you master these skills and manage to conduct
these interactions while being civil and even friendly, you might manage to save the
relationship. Not that you would necessarily want to, but in some cases if the person
is a family member, boss, or some other key fixture in your life who you can't cut out
of your life, these tactics may prove to be lifesavers. They certainly have been for
me!

How to Recognize and Handle

Manipulative Relationships
How to recognize and deal with manipulative people
There are those whose primary ability is to spin wheels of manipulation. It is their
second skin and without these spinning wheels, they simply do not know how to
function.
C. JoyBell C.
Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence
through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize
power, control, benefits, and privileges at the victims expense.
It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation.
Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and
take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used
for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of
power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda.

Most manipulative individuals have four common characteristics:

1.

They know how to detect your weaknesses.

2.

Once found, they use your weaknesses against you.

3.

Through their shrewd machinations, they convince you to give up something

of yourself in order to serve their self-centered interests.

4.

In work, social, and family situations, once a manipulator succeeds in taking

advantage of you, he or she will likely repeat the violation until you put a stop to
the exploitation.

Root causes for chronic manipulation are complex and deep-seated. But whatever
drives an individual to be psychologically manipulative, its not easy when youre on
the receiving end of such aggression. How can one successfully manage these
situations? Here are eight keys to handling manipulative people. Not all of the tips
below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the
rest.
For more in-depth tools on how to effectively handle difficult individuals, download
free excerpts of my publications (click on titles) "How to Successfully Handle
Passive-Aggressive People(link is external)," "How to Communicate Effectively and
Handle Difficult People(link is external)," and "Communication Success with Four
Personality Types(link is external)."
1. Know Your Fundamental Human Rights*
The single most important guideline when youre dealing with a psychologically
manipulative person is to know your rights, and recognize when theyre being
violated. As long as you do not harm others, you have the right to stand up for
yourself and defend your rights. On the other hand, if you bring harm to others, you
may forfeit these rights. Following are some of our fundamental human rights:

You have the right to be treated with respect.

You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and wants.

You have the right to set your own priorities.

You have the right to say no without feeling guilty.

You have the right to get what you pay for.

You have the right to have opinions different than others.

You have the right to take care of and protect yourself from being threatened
physically, mentally or emotionally.

You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.

These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries.

Of course, our society is full of people who do not respect these rights. Psychological
manipulators, in particular, want to deprive you of your rights so they can control and
take advantage of you. But you have the power and moral authority to declare that it
is you, not the manipulator, whos in charge of your life.
2. Keep Your Distance
One way to detect a manipulator is to see if a person acts with different faces in front
of different people and in different situations. While all of us have a degree of this
type of social differentiation, some psychological manipulators tend to habitually
dwell in extremes, being highly polite to one individual and completely rude to
anotheror totally helpless one moment and fiercely aggressive the next. When you
observe this type of behavior from an individual on a regular basis, keep a healthy
distance, and avoid engaging with the person unless you absolutely have to. As
mentioned earlier, reasons for chronic psychological manipulation are complex and
deep-seated. It is not your job to change or save them.
3. Avoid Personalization and Self-Blame
Since the manipulators agenda is to look for and exploit your weaknesses, it is
understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not
satisfying the manipulator. In these situations, its important to remember that you
are not the problem; youre simply being manipulated to feel bad about yourself, so
that youre more likely to surrender your power and rights. Consider your relationship
with the manipulator, and ask the following questions:

Am I being treated with genuine respect?

Are this persons expectations and demands of me reasonable?

Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way or two ways?

Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship?

Your answers to these questions give you important clues about whether the
problem in the relationship is with you or the other person.
For more in-depth information on reducing or eliminating over fifteen types of
negative attitudes and feelings, see my book (click on title): "How to Let Go of
Negative Thoughts and Emotions(link is external).
4. Put the Focus on Them by Asking Probing Questions
Inevitably, psychological manipulators will make requests (or demands) of you.
These offers often make you go out of your way to meet their needs. When you
hear an unreasonable solicitation, its sometimes useful to put the focus back on the
manipulator by asking a few probing questions, to see if she or he has enough selfawareness to recognize the inequity of their scheme. For example:

Does this seem reasonable to you?

Does what you want from me sound fair?

Do I have a say in this?

Are you asking me or telling me?

So, what do I get out of this?

Are you really expecting me to [restate the inequitable request]?"

When you ask such questions, youre putting up a mirror, so the manipulator can see
the true nature of his or her ploy. If the manipulator has a degree of self-awareness,
he or she will likely withdraw the demand and back down.

On the other hand, truly pathological manipulators (such as a narcissist) will dismiss
your questions and insist on getting their way. If this occurs, apply ideas from the
following tips to keep your power, and halt the manipulation.
To learn more specifically about how to deal with narcissists, see my book (click on
title): "How to Successfully Handle Narcissists(link is external).
5. Use Time to Your Advantage
In addition to unreasonable requests, the manipulator will often also expect an
answer from you right away, to maximize their pressure and control over you in the
situation. (Sales people call this closing the deal.") During these moments, instead
of responding to the manipulators request right away, consider leveraging time to
your advantage, and distancing yourself from his or her immediate influence. You
can exercise leadership over the situation simply by saying:
Ill think about it.
Consider how powerful these few words are from a customer to a salesperson, or
from a romantic prospect to an eager pursuer, or from you to a manipulator. Take the
time you need to evaluate the pros and cons of a situation, and consider whether
you want to negotiate a more equitable arrangement, or if youre better off by saying
no, which leads us to our next point:
6. Know How To Say NoDiplomatically But Firmly
To be able to say no diplomatically but firmly is to practice the art of
communication. Effectively articulated, it allows you to stand your ground while
maintaining a workable relationship. Remember that your fundamental human rights
include the right to set your own priorities, the right to say no without feeling guilty,
and the right to choose your own happy and healthy life. (In my reference guide
How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People (link is external), I review
seven different ways you can say no, to help lower resistance and keep the peace.)
7. Confront Bullies, Safely

A psychological manipulator also becomes a bully when he or she intimidates or

harms another person.
The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those
whom they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and compliant,
you make yourself a target. But many bullies are also cowards on the inside. When
their targets begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, the bully will often
back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office
environments.
On an empathetic note, studies show that many bullies are victims of violence
themselves. This in no way excuses bullying behavior, but may help you consider the
bully in a more equanimous light:

"When people don't like themselves very much, they have to make up for it.
The classic bully was actually a victim first.Tom Hiddleston

Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.Paramhansa

Yogananda

I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It's the bully who's
insecure. Shay Mitchell

When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can
safely protect yourself, whether its standing tall on your own, having other people
present to witness and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bullys inappropriate
behavior. In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling,
legal, law enforcement, or administrative professionals. Its important to stand up to
bullies, and you dont have to do it alone.
8. Set Consequences
When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries, and wont
take no for an answer, deploy consequence.
The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills
you can use to "stand down" a difficult person. Effectively articulated, consequence

gives pause to the manipulative individual, and compels her or him to shift from
violation to respect. In my reference guide (click on title) How to Successfully
Handle Passive-Aggressive People(link is external), consequence is presented as
seven different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.

How to Handle Difficult People A

Tao Perspective
To subdue the enemy without fighting is the highest skill.
Gichin Funakoshi, father of modern Karate
The Chinese call it Chi; the Japanese, Ki; the Indians Prana it is the life force, and
it is incredibly powerfulit cant be explained adequately except to those who have
already experienced it, but its one of the very few willable miracles.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, 19-time NBA All-Star, describing how he accesses his
inner strength
Tao, the ancient Chinese concept of the way, can be interpreted as harnessing and
flowing with your life force (Chi) so you experience composure and equanimity
within, while projecting supple and effective strength without.
Below are five ways you can apply Taoist principles to the handling of difficult people.
Keep in mind that these are general rules of thumb, and not all of the tips may apply
to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest.
For more in-depth tools on how to effectively handle difficult individuals, see my
publications (click on titles) "How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult
People(link is external)," "How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive
People(link is external)," "How to Successfully Handle Narcissists(link is external),"
and "Communication Success with Four Personality Types(link is external)."

1.

Empty Your Cup Release Negative Emotions and Maintain Composure

"Emptiness the starting pointdrop all your preconceived and fixed ideas and be
neutral. Do you know why this cup is useful? Because it is
empty.
Bruce Lee, philosopher and founder of Jeet Kune Do
It's easy to allow a difficult person to upset us and ruin our day. You may feel angry,
distressed, and lose your balance within. The first rule in the face of an unreasonable
person is to maintain your composure. The less reactive you are, the more you can
use your better judgment to handle the challenge.
When you feel angry or upset with someone, before you say something you might
later regret, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten. In most circumstances, by
the time you reach ten, you would have figured out a better way of communicating
the issue, so that you can reduce, instead of escalate the problem. If you're still
upset after counting to ten, take a time out if possible, and revisit the issue after you
calm down. By maintaining self-control, you harness more power to manage the
situation.
"Breathing...corresponds to taking charge of one's own life."
Luce Irigaray, philosopher
2.

See Both Sides Shift from Being Reactive to Proactive

Don't have preconceived notions about anything. Don't be confined by anything,

Achieve true freedom.
Jeet Kune Do creed
You may feel wronged or victimized by the actions of a difficult individual. While such
sentiments are often understandable and justified, to focus primarily on "what he/she
is doing to me" is to miss the opportunity of a broader, more empowering
perspective. By looking at the situation from a wider lens, you can begin to restore

your inner balance, and set upon handing the issue from a proactive, rather than
reactive stance.
When you feel offended by someones words or deeds, come up with multiple ways
of viewing the situation before reacting. For example, I may be tempted to think that
my friend is ignoring my calls, or I can consider the possibility that hes been very
busy. When we avoid personalizing other people's behaviors, we can perceive their
expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than
because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility
of misunderstanding.
Another way to reduce personalization is to try to put ourselves in the difficult
individuals shoes, even for just a moment. For example, consider the person youre
dealing with, and complete the sentence: It must not be easy...
My child is being so resistant. It must not be easy to deal with his school and social
pressures
My manager is really demanding. It must not be easy to have such high
expectations placed on her performance by management
My partner is so emotionally distant. It must not be easy to come from a family
where people dont express affection
To be sure, empathetic statements do not excuse unacceptable behavior. The point
is to restore your inner equanimity, and remind yourself that people do what they do
because of their own issues. As long as were being reasonable and considerate,
difficult behaviors from others say a lot more about them than they do about us. By
reducing personalization, we can be less reactive and concentrate our energy on
problem-solving.
3.

Achieve Balance Be Soft on the Person and Firm on the Issue

Be soft, yet not yielding. Be firm, yet not hard.

Bruce Lee

In every communication situation, there are two elements present: The relationship
you have with this person, and the issue you are discussing. An effective
communicator knows how to separate the person from the issue, and be soft on the
person and firm on the issue. For example:
I want to talk about whats on your mind, but I cant do it when youre yelling. Lets
either sit down and talk more calmly, or take a time out and come back this
afternoon.
I appreciate you putting a lot of time into this project. At the same time, I see that
three of the ten requirements are still incomplete. Lets talk about how to finish the
job on schedule.
I really want you to come with me. Unfortunately, if youre going to be late like last
time, Ill have to leave without you.
When youre soft on the person, people are more open to what you have to say.
When youre firm on the issue, you show yourself as a strong problem solver.
4.

Be Like Water Use Appropriate Humor

Nothing in the world

Is as soft and yielding as water.
Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible,
Nothing can surpass it.
Lao Tzu, founder of Taoism
Humor is a powerful communication tool. Years ago I knew a co-worker who was
quite stuck up. One day a colleague of mine said Hello, how are you? to him. When
the egotistical co-worker ignored her greeting completely, my colleague didnt feel
offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and quipped: That good, huh? This
broke the ice and the two of them started a friendly conversation. Brilliant.

When appropriately used, humor can shine light on the truth, disarm difficult
behavior, and show that you have superior composure. In How to Communicate
Effectively and Handle Difficult People(link is external), I explain the psychology of
humor in conflict resolution, and offer a variety of ways one can use humor to reduce
or eliminate difficult behavior.
5.

Apply Your Strength Like Bamboo Set Consequence

There are times when it seems as if one must intervene powerfully...The wise leader
does this only when all else fails.
The Tao of Leadership
Bend slightly and then spring up stronger than before.
Bruce Lee
The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most important skills
we can use to "stand down" a difficult person. Effectively articulated, consequence
gives pause to the challenging individual, and compels her or him to shift from
obstruction tocooperation. In How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult
People(link is external), consequence is presented as seven different types of
power you can utilize to affect positive change.
In conclusion, to know how to handle difficult people is to truly practice the art of
influence. As you utilize these skills, you may experience less grief,
greater confidence, better relationships, and higher communication prowess. You are
on your way to Tao mastery!

Why Are So Many Indian Arranged

Marriages Successful?
The upsides of relinquishing choice, deciding quickly, & lower
expectations

During my two plus decades living in the United States, I have seen many changes
occur in my native India. The country eradicated the scourge of polio(link is
external), sent a rocket ship to Mars(link is external) on a shoestring budget,
built modern highways(link is external) crisscrossing the country, and flexed its
economic muscles, raising tens of millions of people out of poverty(link is external).
One phenomenon that hasnt changed, however, and continues to puzzle and
intrigue many people (including me) is the institution of the Indian arranged
marriage(link is external). Even today, a vast majority of Indians and Indian
Americans that I know, including family members, friends, acquaintances, and my
students, many of them among the highest educated and westernized strata, choose
an arranged marriage over a free-choice one.
How does a modern Indian arranged marriage work?
A typical modern arranged marriage works as follows. For both men and women, the
individuals parents or older family members screen for and find prospective
mates(link is external) for further consideration through their social circle, community,
or by advertising on matrimonial websites or newspapers. There is an initial meeting
in a family gathering, after which the couple has a few opportunities for chaperoned
courtship. At this point if neither party has vetoed the match and if they are so
inclined, they may spend some time together alone. And then it is time to make the
decision. It is not unusual for the process from initial introduction to the final yes/ no
decision to unfold within a few days. A 2013 IPSOS survey found that 74% of young
Indians(link is external) (18-35 years old) prefer an arranged marriage over a freechoice one. Othersources report(link is external) that as many as 90% of all Indian
marriages are arranged.
In this post, I want to explore two rather interesting and reliable statistics related to
Indian arranged marriages. The first is that Indians have an astonishingly
low divorce rate. Despite doubling(link is external) in urban areas since 2007, only
about 1 in 100(link is external) Indian marriages end in divorce. This is one of the
lowest divorce rates in the world. Even more impressive is the second statistic, about
the high levels of satisfaction reported by those in arranged marriages over the
longer-term.

A recent study of relationship outcomes among Indian-American couples married

either through free-choice or arranged marriages for about a decade
found absolutely no differences(link is external). Those in arranged marriages were
just as satisfied with their marriage and loved their partner as intensely as those who
wed through free-choice. Other studies(link is external)have found similar results(link
is external). Despite criticisms(link is external) of self-selection and small sample
sizes leveled against some of these studies, this is the best available evidence and it
suggests that Indian arranged marriages are at least as successful as free-choice
ones.
How can this be? How can two people who barely know each other make such an
important decision that will affect their joint futures so quickly? And even more
surprising, how can a decision made this way lead to positive outcomes for so many
couples?
I want to propose three factors that might help explain this puzzle. These have to do
with relinquishing difficult aspects of the choice, choosing with relatively little
deliberation, and starting the relationship with lower expectations. Lets look at each
of these factors in detail.
Relinquishing Difficult Aspects of the Choice
From a decision making perspective, choosing a marriage partner through
arrangement has at least two major advantages. The first is that people that one
respects and trusts, AKA parents or elders prescreen the available options, leaving a
small and manageable choice set.
In free-choice marriage decisions, one of the hardest challenges is finding a good set
of options to choose from. From those interested in marriage, complaints about how
hard it is to find a good man or a good woman are commonplace. Just as
problematic, when left to their own devices, people tend to use prescreening criteria
that emphasize outward appearances (looks, possessions, etc.). These are shortterm oriented but may not necessarily contribute to longer-term marital outcomes.
For instance, social psychologists have found impressive evidence for
attractiveness matching in which daters give heavy weight to physical
attractiveness(link is external) of potential partners, and favor those whose
attractiveness is comparable(link is external) to their own.

A second difficult challenge is choice set size. The question of how many potential
partners to date before marrying someone can be answered by math (the answer is
the square root of n, where n is potential lifetime dates, the solution to the optimal
stopping problem(link is external)) or computation (made famous by the big datadriven process(link is external) used by mathematician Chris McKinlay on OKCupid).
But for most people, it is difficult to figure out when to stop searching and just as
hard not to begin again once they have settled for chosen a partner.
When a marriage is arranged, both these problems are solved. Prospects come
vetted. What is more, they share many characteristics such as social class, religion,
caste (yes,even today(link is external), for Hindus), and educational attainment that
signal similarity and may be important predictors of longer-term marriage success.
The vetting process also limits the choice set size and puts a grinding halt to further
search once a choice is made. Making others you trust do all the hard work in the
choice process pays off.
Choice with Relatively Little Deliberation
The conventional wisdom about decision making is that the more time and effort we
spend in making a decision, especially for important issues, the better our decision
will be and the happier we will be with the outcome. But this is not always the case.
There is a whole body of research that points to the exact opposite conclusion. It
shows that for complex decisions, people are better served by not thinking too much
and relying more on gut feelings. In one study(link is external) of IKEA furniture
shoppers, for example, researchers found that those who thought less about which
furniture to buy were happier with it a few weeks later. Another negative
consequence(link is external) of thinking too hard about different options is that
people get attached to them so that choosing one option produces regret at having
lost out on others (what psychologists call as the choosing feels like losing effect).
Nowhere is this truer than in dating and marriage decisions where potential partners
may have different attractive qualities, and none may have all the qualities one is
looking for.
My hunch is that what applies to IKEA furniture also applies to choosing a husband
or a wife. In an arranged marriage, the speed with which one must decide whether or
not to marry the person they have been introduced to doesnt leave much time for

careful thinking or comparisons. Instead, it encourages going with ones gut feelings
about the partner, which in turn may leads to more satisfying outcomes. In free
choice marriages, on the other hand, the long and elaborate dating process provides
lots of time and opportunity to judge potential partners critically and deliberately, and
long for the ones that got away.
Starting the Relationship with Lower Expectations
A third reason for positive outcomes in arranged marriages is the expectation level of
participants. By and large, a couple entering an arranged marriage simply doesnt
know each other that well compared to those beginning free-choice marriages. (The
only exception is a free-choice marriage to a stranger(link is external) during a Las
Vegas trip.) Consequently, the expectations from each other at the relationships
outset will be lower. This is because in-depth knowledge is crucial(link is external)to
forming accurate expectations, and more knowledge produces higher expectations.
In Indian arranged marriages, in particular, many people give greater weight(link is
external) to compatibility and financial security overromantic love, further contributing
to restrained expectations. As research on satisfaction judgments shows, when
expectations are low, they are more likely to be met or exceeded(link is external),
leaving the newly-wed highly satisfied. In a free-choice marriage, in contrast, high
expectations often develop during an elaborate dating period, with the culture placing
great weight on the romantic love ideal(link is external). This sets people up for a letdown after the honeymoon period is over.
The Indian Arranged Marriage Puzzle in Cultural Context
A terrific amount has been written about Indian arranged marriages, of course. While
I focused on reasons why some aspects of its decision making process favor positive
longer-term outcomes, I certainly dont mean to suggest that this is a superior
method of finding someone to marry. Rather, I see the positive outcomes as a
puzzle. There are many important aspects of arranged marriage that I didnt discuss
such as its roots(link is external),supports(link is external), and long history in Indian
culture that make it socially acceptable. But just as there are heartwarming success
stories about marriages between strangers leading(link is external) to lasting love,
there are stories(link is external) of exploitation and suffering of women. One could
easily write a lengthy dissertation examining the negative aspects of Indian arranged
marriages.

If you enjoyed this article, you may enjoy my follow up piece on Indian arranged
marriages, How do Indian Women Fare in an Arranged Marriage?

How Do Indian Women Fare In An

Arranged Marriage?
The newest available data paints a rather gloomy picture & offers
few solutions.
In a recent blog post, I wondered why so many Indian arranged marriages are
successful. I based the discussion on my observation that even in a rapidly
modernizing India, most educated, upper-class Indians, men and women, prefer to
marry in the traditional way, with significant parental involvement and minimal
courtship, when selecting mates. Many readers pointed out that this was a rather
narrow and nave view of arranged marriages in India. According to them, the truth is
a lot darker. What applies to empowered, educated Indian women does not apply to
poor, illiterate, rural women that comprise the vast majority. That is a fair point.
In this post, I want to consider arranged marriage outcomes for a broader pool of
Indian women. I will limit my discussion to women because as we will see, Indian
women are by far the more vulnerable party in a marriage, whether it is fully
arranged, free-choice, or somewhere in between.
Lets start with a proper definition of arranged marriage 1. For our purposes, it is a
marriage in which the womans parents or older family members play a significant
role in selecting a mate for her and finalizing wedding arrangements including the
provision of dowry2. What does recent research have to say about arranged
marriages of Indian women?
The North-South Divide & Fully Arranged Vs. Semi-Arranged Marriages
Within India, there are significant differences in marriage customs between the
economically advanced southern and western states such as Tamil Nadu and
Maharashtra, and the less developed northern states such as Bihar and Jharkhand 3.
In one large study of close to 14,000 young married women 4, a vast majority or 91%

of Northern women got fully arranged marriages. They had no voice whatsoever in
selecting their husbands. Their parents and elders chose for them and they had
tocooperate and marry a stranger without any prior interaction or knowledge of their
soon-to-be-spouse. In these marriages, grooms from the same caste and religion are
considered and the brides parents weigh his education, profession, social and
economic standing with their ability to afford the corresponding dowry amount 5. In
contrast, in the economically advanced states, close to 50% of the women had at
least some say in selecting their husband, engaged in supervised courtship, or
chose their mate themselves. Not surprisingly, the less educated, poorer, and rural
Indian women are the ones that are subjected to a fully arranged marriage, usually
before they have turned 18.
Does participation in selecting a husband lead to better outcomes?
Where longer-term outcomes are concerned, the data indicate that getting a fully
arranged marriage has terrible consequences for a poor, rural Indian woman.
Compared to a free-choice or a semi-arranged marriage both of which are extremely
rare in poor and rural India, even years later, getting a fully arranged marriage is
associated with lower levels of communication with the husband on such things as
how to spend the households money and when to have children 6. These women
also have significantly lower autonomy on mobility like traveling outside ones
neighborhood or making decisions about household purchases. But it is not clear to
me how much of this has to do with the method of marriage vs. other social factors.
Indian Married Women & Physical and Sexual Violence
Now here is the really bad news. In one recent study, the authors found that
regardless of how they got married or their economic or educational status, fully
45.5% of all Indian women experienced some form of physical or sexual violence
from their husbands after marriage7. Those who got a semi-arranged marriage were
less likely (34.8%) to have experienced sexual violence than those who got a fullyarranged marriage (49.4%)8. Another study using a larger sample of 28,000+ married
women from the 2007 National Family Health Survey data reported that 35% of
women had suffered such intimate partner violence. Across the studies, these
numbers are shockingly high. If you are an Indian woman, there is a 1 in 3 chance
that your husband will physically or sexually assault you after marriage. Choosing
your husband yourself only slightly reduces this chance. What is more, being

assaulted by the husband is associated with an increased likelihood that you will get
infected with the HIV virus9.
Having a Sister Has Insidious Effects On the Woman's Future
Indian tradition dictates that if one has two or more daughters, the oldest one has to
marry first, then the next oldest, and so on. Additionally, once you leave the upper
class, the marriage age for women falls off a cliff. For example, even today, between
half and two thirds of all young Indian women are married before they turn 18. On
the other hand, if you havent married by the age of 25 and dont live in a big city,
your chance of marrying is close to zero10. These unwritten rules have harsh
consequences for both older and younger siblings.
A recent study11 by economist Tom Vogl used data from close to 150,000 South
Asian12 families to study the effects of having a sister on arranged marriage
outcomes. With meticulous analysis, Vogl found that in multi-daughter families,
parents rushed to marry the older sister off quickly so that her younger sister(s) could
be married before her marriage window shut down. This rush led to two outcomes:
(1) the older sister attained a lower level of education and (2) she married a man with
lower education, occupational, and economic status, when compared to women
without sisters. Younger sisters did not do so well either. Their marriage was delayed
and they ended up marrying a lower-quality man than they would have in the
absence of an older sister. The pernicious effects of arranged marriage are amplified
for Indian women who have sisters.
If Arranged Marriage is This Bad, How Else Can Poor, Rural Indian Women
Marry?
Relatively speaking, while it is better to play a role in choosing ones husband, the
news from these studies is rather dismal for all women in present-day India. Over
half of them will marry before they turn 18, and close to half of them will be physically
or sexually assaulted by their husbands after marriage. Yet despite these shocking
statistics, it is not clear that there is an alternative method widely available to poor,
rural Indian women to find a husband and marry him. After all, the dominant cultural
mores require every Indian woman to marry. Anthropologist Peter Phillimore
observes:

Women who never marry are exceptionally rare throughout rural India. Among
Hindus and Sikhs, both sexes popularly consider it an unfortunate and demeaning
eventuality for a woman to remain unmarried, reflecting badly on the woman herself,
her family, and most of all her father. An unmarried adult woman belongs to no
recognized social category and consequently lacks a definite status in her home
village or in the wider local community.13
The institution of arranged marriage along with its accompanying well-accepted
aspects such as marrying at a young age, the provision of dowry, and rigid
definitions of genderroles before and after one is married are so entrenched in Indian
culture that quick change seems impossible within rural and poor India which
consists of some 880 million people14. The only small silver lining to this cloud is that
in a fraction of cases (1 or 2 in 100), poor, rural, Indian women are stepping outside
their prescribed role and are playing a more active part in choosing their husbands.

4 Little Yoga Secrets To Be A Success Magnet

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger
appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took
out a costly pair of shoes from his bag and started to put them on. The
other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think
you will run faster than the tiger with those?"
His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster
than you."
Its one of the most pervasive jokes about success. I googled success
joke and found it everywhere over Internet. And this is precisely the
idea of success for most people these days, albeit a very mediocre one.
True success comes with excellence where you do not outperform
someone else, but use your own full potential. When you want to
outperform others, you dont explore tremendous possibilities lying
dormant inside. Success, at the end of the day, isnt about others what others achieve and what they dont. It is about you. Its about
discovering the powers within and activating these powers. If you can

do it, you can succeed in whatever you do.

The Secret Ingredient Of Success

This heading - The Secret Ingredient Of Success - is inspired by Kung

Fu Panda. Those of you who have watched it, would be able to relate.
Here, Ive used it to activate your taste-buds too, because Im feeling
quite hungry while writing this article (Why should only I suffer?).
Well, Yoga is the science to unlock these inner resources that you have
and putting them in use. In Gita, Krishna says, : ;
i.e. Yoga is the excellence at work. Whatever you do, Yoga transforms
quality of your actions and lead you toward excellence and success.
But, how can it be achieved? How to bring highest excellence in your
actions?
Patanjali, author of Yoga Sutra, provides answer for it. He, in his Yoga
aphorisms, says, ; i.e. Yoga is restraining the
mind from wavering or taking various forms. So, if when used both of
these Sutras together, we find the crystal-clear answer for our
question:
Yoga= Excellence at work
Yoga = Restraining the mind from wavering
Excellence at work = Restraining the mind from wavering
Therefore, while performing any action, if you are able to restrain your
mind from wavering and can focus completely on action taking place
in that moment, quality of your action transforms. In East, this
complete awareness toward the actions taking place moment-tomoment is called Ekagrata or one-pointedness. At times, it is loosely
translated as concentration in English.
Swami Vivekanandas Formula For Success

Ive been a fan of Swami Vivekananda since my childhood. Other than

his amazing talks, tales of his unbelievable feats always made me
awestruck. Heres one that tells about his success formula:
Once, in America, Swami Vivekananda was watching some boys. They
were standing on a bridge trying to shoot at egg-shells that were
floating on the river. The egg-shells bobbed up and down. The boys
could not hit any of them. They fired the gun many times, but always
missed the target! They noticed that Swami Vivekananda was
watching them. So, they called out to him: Well, you are watching us.
Do

you

Swami

Vivekananda

Then

the

think
boys

you
smiled

said:

Its

can
and

not

so

do

said:

easy

as

better?
will
you

try.
think!

Swami Vivekananda took the gun and aimed at the egg-shells. He

stood very still for a few minutes. Then, he fired the gun. He fired
twelve times, and every time he hit an egg-shell! The boys were very
surprised. How could any man shoot egg-shells like that? They
thought. They said to Swami Vivekananda: Well, Mister, how did you
do

it?

You

must

be

practised

hand.

Swami Vivekananda laughed and assured them he had never handled

a gun before.
Whatever you are doing, he explained, the secret of success lies in
the power of concentration. Put your whole mind on it. If you are
shooting, your mind should be only on the target. Then, you will never

miss. If you are learning your lessons, think only of the lesson. In my
country, boys are taught to do this.
India, the land of Yoga, has long tradition of such practices that
sharpen the mind and make it focused. Though, modern education
system completely neglects this aspect of education that, according to
me, is essential for learning any new skill and performing to the best
of our abilities. Swami Vivekananda says:
The main difference between men and the animals is the difference in
their power of concentration. All success in any line of work is the
result of this. Everybody knows something about concentration. We
see its results every day. High achievements in art, music, etc., are the
results of concentration.

4 Yoga Techniques To Kick-start Success Roller Coaster

Whatever you want to succeed at - business, sports, studies, scientific

endeavours or any other pursuit of life - this is the secret of Yoga.
Sachin Tendulkar and Tiger Woods know how to get in the zone by
paying 100% attention. Steve Jobs knew how to unleash his creative
genius by concentrating all his energies. These 4 simple techniques
will help you concentrate and stay in the moment to transform you in
a success dynamo:
1. Nadi Shodhana

Nadi Shodhana or alternate nostril breathing purifies the nerves in

your subtle body or Sukshma Sharira. These nerves are pathways or
channels of Prana, the basic unit of energy. You should understand
this performing Yoga generates a lot of energy, but if these nerve
pathways are blocked, this energy cannot reach at the right spots and,
therefore, no benefit can be reaped. So, in order to unblock these
energy channels, this technique of Nadi Shodhana is not only
important, but necessary too. If you practice Nadi Shodhana twice a
day for about 15 minutes, your nerve pathways will be unblocked in 34 months and then, you will be able to reap the immense benefits that
Yoga has to offer. Your senses will become sharper and you will be
healthier, and harshness of your voice will be reduced. Once it
happens, you can ascertain that nerves in your subtle body are
opening up. This is an open secret and if you do not know this secret,
you cannot become a Yogi.
In case, you do not know how to perform Nadi Shodhana, please
watch my video on the same topic: Nadi Shodhana Yoga - Boost Your
Brain Power.
2. Bhramari

The nature of mind is to wander incessantly. Bhramari Pranayama is a

very effective method to relax your mind and let it be focused
internally on its own. In this technique, a sound like a Bhramar (the
carpenter bee) is produced that brings relaxed focus. Place your index
fingers on your ears. There is a cartilage between your cheek and ear.
Place your index fingers on the cartilage. Breath in deeply and make a
humming sound like a bee while exhaling along with gently pressing
the cartilage. This simple technique does wonders and one finds that
his actions are becoming better as mind gets more and more relaxed.

It will be great if you can do it 11 times twice a day. However, it also

depends on your convenience.
3. Rhythmic Breathing

Have you ever paid attention to your breathing? Observe it deeply.

Breathing takes place because of the motion of our lungs. There is a
rhythm in natural breathing. But, we have lost it and our breathing is
irregular now. Interestingly, breathing is only phenomenon in our
organism that is both conscious and unconscious, i.e. we can control
the flow of our breath if we want to, or it takes place automatically. So,
by making our breathing rhythmical, we can slowly bring in the
harmony in our entire organism that makes us healthy and youthful.
Also, it makes our mind one-pointed and invigorated. With a onepointed attention, mind will not be able to waver incessantly and
whatever you do will be transformed into excellence. Remember,
breathing is a very delicate process. We must not use any force to
regulate our breathing. Exertion of force can harm your inner organs
irreparably. Though it will be perfect if you can do it throughout the
day while doing your regular stuff, but giving 10 minutes twice a day
for bringing your breath into rhythm can really do wonders for you.
To know more about rhythmic breathing and how it should be
performed, please visit - Rhythmic Breathing: A Key to Unlock Your
Potential.
4. Meditation

As per Yoga, meditation is complete attention without any flickering.

Meditation, if practiced properly, prolongs attention span and
transforms the quality of perception. It sharpens your intellect and
balances your emotions, which are very important traits for effective
communication. There are several different methods of meditation,
but their core is same. Be a witness to any object, inner or outer, in
your consciousness. This object can be anything a Mantra or Chakra
or stream of thoughts. Just observe it by paying your full attention and
do not force your mind at all. After some practice, you will be
surprised to see that chattering in your mind is getting lesser and
lesser. Your expressions are getting impactful, your words full of
energy and your understanding in-depth. Meditation changes your
entire consciousness. To start with meditation, you may perform it 10
minutes twice a day. Further, you may increase the timings as per
your convenience.
To know more about meditation and how it is performed, you may like
to

visit

the

Meditation

section

of

post

Improve

Your

Communication Skills with Yoga.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. says Lao

Tzu. Seeking success, at the end of the day, is a very small goal. There
are many grand things that Yoga can lead you toward. However, even
taking the first step will set your direction. Immerse in the ocean of
Yoga to find peace, happiness, to ultimately find what can be found, to
find yourself. Its the first step, also the ultimate Do it! Do it! Do it!
Arise, awake and stop not, till the goal is reached.
Being Irresponsible:
The problem with good people is that they behave irresponsibly
towards themselves. As they dont desire to hurt/exploit others,
they tend to believe that their unguarded flanks wont be
attacked. This kind of approach is very damaging. If you create an
opportunity for others to exploit you, then who is to be blamed?

Goodness is like a precious ornament, but it it not a substitute for

tools like Wisdom and Intelligence.
Let Go:

Sometimes despite all precautions things go wrong. I am talking

about the stage where nothing can be done to improve the
situation. As humans we get emotionally attached to our missions
and it become hard for us to accept the failure (reality).
Watering the dead plant might appear a solution (for mental
satisfaction), but is not. No matter how much water you pour,
it will not come to life. Whats really needed is to uproot the dead
and replace it with new ones.
We must know that rectifications can be performed only when
there exists an opportunity to do so. Any feasible opportunity
should be utilized, but when the cause loses its significance a
man must abandon it for good. Further investments in a lost
cause will only increase your liability and add to your pain. Wise
men say that Its better to save what you can when loss becomes
eminent.
We can remove half of the hurdles in life, just by not creating
them with our own hands. Isnt that awesome?
***
Now, in this section we will be discussing about handling the
hostility from the outside world. Please have a look
In life we interact with a lot of people and they all are not Angels.
Some are really good, some are really terrible, and the remaining

ones are partially good and partially bad. Let us have a look on
different strategies to deal with them.
Good people dont create problems and for this reason majority of
people tend to ignore them. This is a mistake in terms of
opportunity cost. These men are an asset and you must manage
them with care, politeness, and rewards. The idea here is to turn
good things into better.
Now, we are left with people who are Really Bad and who are
Partially Bad. What differentiates the two are their intentions
and reasons for confronting you. The really bad people are one
with pure intention to hurt you. Such people include, but are not
restricted to:

Someone pursuing old family rivalry.

Psychotic

Criminal minded person

Someone with no concern for morality.

etc.

The really bad people must be dealt with caution and planning.
In such cases a man must apply a principle from chanakya neeti
that says There are two ways to deal with thorns and wicked
people. One is crush them and the other is to stay away from
them.. Other things to be considered are:

Never do anything illegal as it will make things worse for

you.

Never engage in a direct fight against a stronger opponent.

Also, dont fight someone of equal stature as such conflicts

end up in mutually assured destruction.

The partially bad people are not that much of a treat. Such people
include:

Someone egoistic

Someone greedy (within limits)

Unsupportive Coworkers

etc.

On Partially Bad people following strategies can be applied:

This Quote from Chanakya Neeti answers most of the

questions. In Chapter six Chankay Says You can win a greedy
by offering money, a proud person by pretending your
devotion, you can win a fool by agreeing with him, and you can
win a scholar by truth and only truth.

Partially bad people can alos be utilized as an asset. They

have a need/requirement and by satisfying that need
(considering the opportunity cost) you can make them to work
as you desire.

Obviously a decent amount of planning will be required.

Summary:

Dont allow yourself or others to sabotage your mission.

Keep aside your ego. Intelligent Men dont have enemies,

because they dont create them.

When there exists a smart way dont try the hard way.

Plan, implement, and evaluate. Keep repeating this step.

Everyone has his own reasons for doing something or for not
doing something. These reasons can be rational, irrational,
deliberate, or subconscious in nature. One who can identify those

reasons can use the acquired information for competitive

advantage or for negotiating peace.
A man with wealth is considered wise and is given respect by
others. People try to befriend him and to please him. This is what
happens whether you like it or not.
Spirituality is awesome and equally awesome is the practical
wisdom. One who is busy preparing for the next world should not
ignore the realities of this world. Men with an impractical
approach are either already extinct or will be extinct very soon.
Its said that inaction of good men within a society is sufficient for
rise of evil within that society.
Not doing bad things is not equivalent to doing good
things.

Things affecting people around you will gradually affect you.

Being good is not enough.

Physical laws apply to all with no exception.

Dont be rigid as a tree.

Logically a tree cannot do anything to protect other trees or itself,

because its a tree, but homo sapiens can. The precise message
can be quoted as If you lack in responsibility towards others,
then you are next person standing in the line of destruction.
* When the jungle (society) burns, every tree burns with it. Even
the valuable ones.
The second interpretation says being good is not enough.
An evil person will have no hesitation in hurting a good man. A
good man must ensure that he has sufficient safeguards for

himself. A sandalwood tree lacks in safeguards and it burns in

forest fire.
What kind of company you keep? People who do bad things will
eventually pay the price. Its better to maintain enough distance
from such people than incurring collateral damage.
The physical laws apply on each and everyone.

Death is eminent. Even good men will die one day.

Gravity will do its job no matter you are a good man or a

bad man. In same manner the sandalwood tree burns like any
other tree.

* Truth will be truth, no matter you believe in it or not.

* Truth is truth, no matter you like it or dislike it.
In case of natural disasters, famine, and unstoppable enemy
invasion; one should run away and save life.
The sandalwood tree is full of qualities, but is rigid like any other
tree. It cannot/will not move even in case of a fire. The
straightforward message is that a man must not be too rigid in his
approach. Be firm wherever necessary, otherwise be fluid and be
flexible in your approach. Prefer wisdom over ego.
A man with reason succeeds in life, and opposite is the case for a
man with excuses.

Who are your Enemies?

Before you could isolate yourself from your enemies you would
require identifying them. I believe that you already know what an

enemy is and therefore we will skip the definition. Enemies can be

classified into two categories:

Identifiable

Hard to identify

When it comes about enemies who openly oppose you, the

associated risk is quite manageable. As you are well aware about
the intentions of the other party and therefore in most of the
cases you are in a position to take robust measures necessary in
order to safeguard your interests against already known (most of
them) potential threats.
In a perfect world a man must have no enemies at all, but as we
all live on planet Earth therefore be assured that you cannot make
everyone happy. Still, it would be best in your interest to keep the
count of your opponents as low as possible. You can do so by
eliminating your opponent by eliminating enmity (Of course if
possible). To be true the approach mentioned previously hardly
works, but if applicable it must be implemented first of all.
Why its so important to stay away from your enemies? The
following examples might help you in gaining a better
understanding.

Major destruction happens when opposite armies come close

to each other on a battlefield. Otherwise things remain quite
peaceful in their barracks.

When competition rises in any market, the profit margins

come down.

Be it war or business the cost increases exponentially when

opponents come closer. When cost increases it becomes hard to
save money.

***
Lets now discuss a few things about the enemies who are hard
to identify.

If identifiable enemies were bad then these are even worse.

They are hard to diagnose and slowly bleed you out of

money.

The biggest issue is that if you are not smart enough, you
will notice nothing until its too late.

Hidden enemies include, but are not restricted to:

So called friends or relatives (who envy you or dont

care at all about your wellbeing)

You yourself

Such friends or relatives are nothing better than parasites. Any

man with a sound mind will not allow those parasites to crawl
around him. Just figure out a painless and harmonious way to get
rid of them.
Caution: There are people who are genuinely dependent on you.
Please take care of them and be respectful towards them.
Not everybody, but most of the people sometimes act as if they
are enemies of themselves. The list of such activities is too long
to be discussed in this article. A few of them are mentioned
below:

Expenditure on unnecessary things and on not so great

people is a major issue. Someone wasting your own money
cannot be considered as your friend. Stop others and
even yourself from wasting your own money. ( Charity is good
and I encourage you to do so within feasible limits.)

Overeating

Binge drinking

Rash driving

Bunking classes

Lack of control on words

All I have to say is that Be GOOD and Be NICE towards yourself.

You can save yourself from manythings, but not from yourself.
There are two main disadvantages of being lazy. The first thing is
that it does not allows you to attain what you desire and secondly
it restricts your ability to grow.
In most of the cases the problem is not about having a vision, but
is about having a mission for your vision. Also, it is not sufficient
to have a mission, but to do whats necessary for success of that
mission.
How to Overcome Laziness:

The following points might help you in overcoming laziness. Have

a look
Improve Your Health:

In most of the cases laziness is nothing, but the outcome of bad

health. When we dont have enough strength or energy to
accomplish required tasks we tend to postpone, take short cuts,
or leave the work unfinished.
The simple solution is to improve your health and with it the
quality as well as quantity of work will improve for sure. The three
major components on which you need to focus
arediet, digestion, and sleep.

No car will move an inch without fuel. Same is the case with our
body.
Break The Monotony:

This is not the case with all people but, few people simply appear
lazy due to lack of interest or due to monotonous routine. If this is
the case with you then try to figure out the ways to overcome
your lack of interest. Also, do this for your colleague and for your
employees.
Maybe you are in a wrong job or waiting for your dream job. Still,
it will be best in your interest to put some decent efforts to
survive the journey before you can reach your destination.
Sometimes hard-way is the only way and sometimes there exits
a scope for smart work. In both cases you will require to work.
Overcome Anxiety and Stress:

Rome wasnt built in a day. Our focus must be on the benefits and
on accomplishing whats necessary to acquire those benefits. You
can keep on complaining about the bad situation, or you can
accept responsibility and act. The choice is simple.
Fools are courageous

Usually the terms like courage, valour, and bravery are used to
express positive thoughts, but there also exists a version of
bravery well known as stupidity and rest of the article is
about the fine line that differentiates valour from foolishness.
Initial Clarification: I never said nor I want to convey the message
that fools are courageous.

It will be hard for me to define a foolish person, but I will try. So

far there isnt any exact definition in my knowledge base. I can
mention a few traits of not so intelligent man.

For sure he is someone who acts without thinking about the

consequences.

Fool is someone who lacks competitive intelligence.

He is someone who isnt interested in learning.

Hes the one whose knowledge is confined to books.

On looking around you will find a lot of men with similar traits and
with a strangeconfidence. The confidence that helps them in
gathering the courage to perform unplanned activities in life.
Mistakes and accidents do happen in life, but it is stupidity that
should/can be avoided. What I mean to say is that in most of the
situations, we are quite aware about the outcome. If someone
chooses to procrastinate, then the failure achieved afterwards
should not be termed as an accident. Instead, it must be
considered as an act of foolishness. What else it can be called?
In same manner any business without a proper business plan is
nothing, but stupidity. Its not that big deal (actually it is) to set up
a new business, but to operate it successfully for long term.
Business continuity plan is a must and if you dont have one, then
you are surely on a high dose of destructive courage
or destructive confidence.
On considering the points being stated in previous paragraphs it
can be concluded that fools are full of courage. As wise beings we
must understand that we dont need that destructive
confidence for success, but the planning, patience, and
determination to achieve what we desire.

Martial arts appear to be very violent from outside. However,

majority of the top instructor dont talk much about aggression,
but instead they emphasise a lot on awareness of the
situation and surrounding. No self defence instructor will tell
you to opt for the fight when there exists a path for flight.
No man or machine (even the one with infinite artificial
intelligence) can tell you about what to do and what not to do
each and every time.
Words of wisdom are of no use if we fail to adopt & implement
them in our real lives. I can keep bombarding you with spiritual
quotes, but none will work until and unless you are in correct
mindset.
Dont be fooled by the television and movies where they
present totally or partially unrealistic things. It is necessary to do
things for right reasons. Dont join the sheep walk. Using mind is
not that difficult or it is?

Not to Display Anger in Public

Its about how You look?

It matters how we present ourselves in front of others. Its

important that we present ourselves
as stable and reliable beings. Also, it must be noted that most
of the people will easily forget your good deeds, but will
remember your inappropriate acts. By displaying anger you
yourself ruin your image in their eyes.

It is not a good idea to present yourself as an angry & negative

guy in front of your friends, boss, co-workers, or the person next
door.
* It matters that you matter in eyes of people who matter.
It only adds to the problem:

A mans priority must be to avoid any unnecessary friction in

life. Any act being performed under influence of anger (the state
where you lose control) will only add to the problems.

First of all youll alert your opponent about your intentions.

Also, you will present yourself for the counter attacks.

Those two things would have never occurred, but you failed to
control your anger and that too in public.
* Public allegations leaves the alleged with fewer, but stringent
options.
* A planned display of anger is something different. Every
great politician is well aware about this little trick. They oppose,
but rarely lose control while addressing any issue.
Its not ok to loose control at any instance and the situation
worsens when you do it publically. Its important that we continue
increasing the count of our supporters. One way to do so is by
not humiliating anyone. Even if you fail in gathering some
support, then at least the count of your opponents will not rise.
The simple moral is to use discretion as and when required.

The biggest mistake that you can do in life is

to overestimate your strength and to underestimate the
strength of your competitor. Be Happy and have a nice day!

So many People:

In this world you will find all kinds of people. There exists men
who are good, who are bad, and even confused. Actually, every
individual is different with his/her specific qualities, weaknesses,
and other attributes.
Different people treat you in different manners. Even you, treat
different people differently. Interestingly, the treatment from
same person is most likely to change with change in time and
change in circumstances. Obviously! the ways to deal with
different people will be different depending multiple factors.
Life is full of action:

The world around us is alive and active. Everyone including you is

performing his tasks & duties in a satisfactory or unsatisfactory
manner. Your actions impact others, and actions of others impact
you as well. The intensity of those impacts will vary as per the
capability of individual, his belief system, and other related
aspects.
All those reactive and proactive actions are ongoing and
simultaneous. No pauses and no breaks.
Knowing Vs implementing:

We know a lot about motivation and we know a lot

about leadership. Actually, we know a lot of things. The issue is
not about knowing, but is about implementation.
No matter how many books you read and motivational
speeches you hear; none will do any good until and unless you
put those ideas to some practical use.
Knowledge is important and nothing else can substitute it. Gain
knowledge as much as you can, then use it.
Life without knowledge will be troublesome and it will remain
troublesome until you find some meaningful use of the knowledge
acquired.

Conclusion:

Just forget about isolating yourself from the world.

Be practical in your approach.

Dont utilize spirituality as an excuse for your incompetence.

Use it to for good, to become better, and to find solutions.

People of different nature must be dealt differently.

Gain knowledge as mush as you can and find a use for it

Conformity: The Basic Behaviour

A well known fact is that we humans are sophisticated social
animals and whatever we do affects one another. What most
people dont realize is that they are being influenced? These small
influences when grouped together become massive.

Influencing factors:
The influencing factors include, but are not restricted to:

Our friends and family.

Literature we read.

Things we watch.

Do you know that you are being bombarded with information at a

conscious as well as on subconscious level? Whatever you
experience in life has a potential to bring change. This change can
be big/small and it can be good/bad depending on the
circumstances. This not only applies to you, but is also true for
the person standing next.

It started with an Idea:

The different religious, cultural, and political groups around the
globe are an outcome of the domino effect brought by an
individual. Someone in past thought about something good or bad
and then with some effort he/she acquired the 1st follower and
then the 2nd follower joined in and then came even more
followers. The interesting point is that many followers joined the
group simply because others were following it and it was more
comfortable that way.
This has happened in past and continues to happen till date. Its
all about finding your next supporter and with sufficient numbers
the group will start growing on autopilot.

Whats the point?

Well! I intend to bring forward a few things. Words might not be
sufficient, but I will try:

Have right reasons?

How to gather men you need?

Have Right Reasons:

Yes! it is extremely important that you do anything and
everything for right reasons. In reality, most of the people are too
busy seeking acceptance that they stop thinking in the right
direction. My experience says that its not a good idea to do
something because everyone is doing the same. Trust me!
Utilizing your brain wont hurt.
The three supporting examples that I can think right now are
listed below:
In Ponzi Investment schemes too many investors lose money at
once.
Fashion freaks who are totally unaware about their real
requirements and believe everything being stated in the
advertisement. They are always behind because they follow
fashion and not themselves.
An acceptance seeking friend being victimized by own friends is
not an uncommon scene.

Gather men you need:

There exists another side as well. If you are up to something big
(and hopefully good), then you can use conformity to your
advantage.
At initial stage you can focus on explaining your views and Ideas
to a small group of eligible candidates. Once they start agreeing,
you can utilize/display that small group to influence a few more
and repeat the procedure to recruit even more. The

most important and most difficult part is about gathering the first
few. Once you cross the initial stage, things will become easier
and easier.
Summary:

Use your brain because most of them arent. Follow

someone or do something only when you have right reasons.

Once a few people start agreeing, it becomes easy to

convince a few more, and the cycle continues.

* The ideas stated above are applicable on many, but not on

everyone.

When to Pretend and Why?

A snake must appear venomous even if it is not.
The straight trees are chopped first in the jungle.
Yes! this post is about the importance of disguise. It is like a
firearm; when in hands of a soldier its safe, until in hands of
some terrorists. All I have to say is that use it with care and for
good.
Scope for Implementation:
Disguise protects you and also helps in safeguarding your
interests, but there are limits to its application. Like a particular
medicine cures only a particular set of diseases, it cannot be
applied in all situations and circumstances.
Still! the scope for implementation is huge. You can use it to trick
your competitor in overestimating/underestimating your real
potential, overwhelm your boss regarding your sincerity, and
devotion towards the job.

Prerequisites:
Other than you, your victim, and favorable set of circumstances
youll need the component ofTrust. In other words we can say
that none of the tricks will work in lack of trust. The disguise
attempts at exploiting the trust each and every time. The
summary is that if you lack credibility then it wont work.
If a guy has a bad reputation then he is most unlikely to trick
anyone. The worst thing is that even his honest efforts will also be
looked down with an eye of suspicion.
Unfortunately! not an ultimate solution:
In real world the men are evaluated on the basis of their
possessions and their accomplishments. What I mean to say is
that for gaining real success you will need real skills and real
talent. You can fake it a couple of times, but not always. The
famous quote by Abraham Lincoln that You can fool all the
people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but
you cannot fool all the people all the time. is very true.
The best Scenario:
Becoming more talented, knowledgeable, and strong must
be the priority for a man. The perks that can be fetch via
art of disguise must be considered secondary. You dont
need to speak when your actions do the talking for you. The
added benefit comes in the form of trustworthiness that you can
exploit at reasonable moments without being evil.
Even in a group of skeptics who dont trust, you will have nothing
to lose because you have the real talent.
The disguise I am talking about is related to:

Showing more respect to your boss (people who matter), no

matter you really respect or not.

Tricking an envying colleague by not revealing your exact

plan.

Appearing more sincere or rowdy (whatever solves the

purpose)

The last thing is that you and only you are responsible for your
actions. The ultimate responsibility for your actions lies with you.
Act smart and play safe.

Why not to Humiliate Anyone?

I have observed that many people have a tendency to make fun
of people whom they envy, consider inferior, or consider a
competition. I have no problem in admitting that I was not an
exception to this self-sabotaging act. In this article we will be
having a look on rational reasons for not doing so.
Also, I would like to tell it beforehand that this discussion is all
about the criticism that hurts. This discussion is not about right
ways to make fun or how to make it the correct way.

We Dislike few Things and few People:

Most probably you dont hate the whole human race, but there
will be a few people with their names in your dislike-Book. If not,
then you are really a great soul or a big liar.
Yes! It is absolutely normal to have a few dislikes. We all are
human beings and no matter how hard we train to civilize
ourselves, few old characteristics are still dominant in us.

* The point is that it is not abnormal to dislike someone. Another

interesting fact is that we dislike a few things for some reason and
for others we have none.
Why Not to Humiliate someone?

Let me tell you about two big events that started with humiliation
and ended up in war.
Chanakya untied his sikha (Lock of hair) after he was humiliated
by DhanaNand. This was the time when he took the oath to ever
re-tie it only after dethroning the too proud Nanda King. What
proceeded next is history
In the same manner the humiliation of Draupadi by Kauravas led
to the battle of Kurukshetra. Before that It was Draupadi who
made fun of Duryodhan (eldest of Kauravas) by calling him the
son of blind when he fell into a camouflaged pool of water inside
her palace.
World history is full of such examples. Better we learn from
mistakes of others instead of learning it the hard way. A real
winner is the one who can handle the victory.
Dont make fun of anyone because that person might turn into
your biggest competition. People dont care much about money,
but they do care for self-esteem.
The other Reasons:

Its always profitable to have more friends:

Humiliation/mockery either sows the seed of hatred or irrigates

the plant of envy in heart of the person being victimized. Thus by
making fun of someone, you only lower your chances of acquiring
help from that person when needed.
Its better to minimize the number of your opponents.

Its really a bad bargain to buy an enemy/opponent/competitor at

cost of a few giggles. You are smart and therefore I dont require
explaining this point.
Envy burns you as well:

Jealousy is like a matchstick that burns before it can burn

anything.
Conclusion:

Dont estimate the threat by analyzing its current state. It

may turn very intense in future.

You need to be even more careful when dealing with a man.

Most of them are capable of miraculous transformations.

Better respect the fellow human, for your own safety,

benefit, and well being.

An Approach Towards Investment

Chanakya said that Money comparable to bride of an orthodox
family is not of much use. It must be like a prostitute available to
anyone in need.

This translated verse from Chanakya Neeti tells us about the

right attitude and correct approach towards the investment. We
can draw two broad inferences from it.

One must not put money only for himself and use it for
charity.

Investment is a better option than saving.

Whether you have a spiritual view or a materialistic approach. The

idea is still valid for both.
Greed in Human Nature:

It is not bad to be rich, but its bad to be greedy. The way to make
more money is to invest the money you already have. The people
who over-emphasize on the acquisition of money fail to realize this simple
fact.

Then they complain about having lesser money. The problem with
a miser is that he emphasizes too much on saving and misses the
broader picture. Do you know that they have less money because
they never invested?
* Greed is the quality that the devil will exploit before moving any further.
Time Value of Money:

Time value of money is a very important concept in

modernmanagerial accounting. The principle states that the
true value of money depreciates with time. In other words, we can
say that if you are not making money, then you are actually
loosing it.

The rate of inflation is nothing, but a means to show the loss in

purchasing power of your money. For example: If the rate of
inflation was 2%, then it means that your 100 dollars have
actually turned into 98 dollars (literally).
* We all know that money does not grows on tree. It
requires investment and that-too a wise one.

Usefulness of Your Money:

It does not matter how much youre earning was, but
how useful it proved? No-one cares for the million bucks you
have. They will be more interested in knowing your plan to
spend/invest, how those decisions will affect your life, and life of
others.

About Charity:
The true charity is not only about giving your money to someone
in need. Your money must go only in the hands of deserving
persons. Being poor and needy are not the only requirements to
be eligible for receiving charity. The intended purpose must be
solved.
For example: There are beggars all around the globe. In my
country there are many who have an alcohol problem. Any
amount of charity will prove insufficient. My personal opinion is
that giving money to them is an act-of-sin. If someone really
wants to help then he must donate to legitimate NGOs and nonNGOs involved in public welfare.
* I have sympathy, but it will not solve the purpose.

Conclusion:

The key to making-more-money is Investment.

The un-invested money looses its value with time.

Charity done by you must solve the purpose.

* When doing so you must always think about your risk bearing
capacity, the risk involved in the project, the amount of
return, and time involved. Before everything you must learn to
control your greed.

Your Attitude Towards Your Mistakes?

Almost all people perform Mistakes in life. Any mistake done by
any person is either the outcome of his unplanned activities
or sub-consciously planned activities. Sometime it just
happens, and none is to be blamed. The good thing is that every
failure comes with a great lesson for smart individuals, provided
its not too late.
Here, I have tried to share my observations about
the attitude & approaches that people reflect towards the
mistakes done by themselves and ones those were performed by
others.
One of the most commonly observed approach is that majority
acts like a judge when the mistake was done by others. However,
if the same mistake was made by them, then the same person
acquires role of a qualified lawyer. Truly! An impressive
attitude (Not really).
The fact remains You must lie in your bed, the way you made it.
A mistake is a mistake irrespective of the explanations and
theories you have. The most damaging things that you can do to
yourself are:

Becoming habitual

Committing more mistakes to justify the mistake that was

done in past.

Denying reality

Keep on arguing at the complain counter of life

Taking them lightly

In my society, the consumption of alcohol is considered bad. I am

sure that no society loves drunkards and drug-addicts. A person
begins with single shot a day and then comes the time when his
whole day finishes in taking shots one after the other. A person
must be more cautious about making smaller mistakes that are
hard to identify and might lead to some very serious trouble.
There exist a few people who can be anything, but never be
wrong. This attitude provokes them to do more and more
inappropriate tasks. If you have a point to prove then better prove
it to yourself. Prove yourself that You are a wise man with a very
high self-esteem and not that damaging-ego.
I have seen men arguing for hours in an attempt to prove that
they were correct and it was the time, situation, somebody, or
something else that was responsible. Maybe or maybe not. Still,
none cares.
The million dollar question is whether the person learned
something from his mistakes or not. Learning is just the part of
the process and it becomes justifiable only after a proper
implementation of the idea that was acquired. Denying the
reality will not have any effect on the truth other than making the
situation even worse.

Some say that everyone gets a second chance. How can you be
so sure about the second chance? If you are, then you might not
be playing wholeheartedly. Having a casual attitude towards your
mistakes is An another Big Mistake? I know that am not
sounding sweet, but please bare with me.
You need not to say is loudly that you were wrong; because the
more important thing is that, you feel it from inside. What I am
trying to say has nothing to do with acquiringdepression or
feeling low from inside. Just be in the right attitude and be
aware about the reality.

It is Life, do not Fake it

Chanakya has said that Even if a gem be placed on foot and a
mirror on the head. Still, thegem will not lose its value.
The idea behind this inspirational quote is to mark the difference
between people who have real talent and those who show-off.
Also, it marks the difference between the special and the ordinary.
The quote stated in the first paragraph has a very deep meaning.
The above paragraph is just a summary. For a better
understanding I have tried to organize things under the following
headings. Have a look
Dont judge a book by its cover:

The simple fact is that people tend to perceive things as they

appear to them. Another interesting fact is that there is no hard
bonding between appearance and reality. It tends to happen that

both are a close match in most of the cases, but not in all set of
events.
This is the reason why an ordinary person is not able to
differentiate between a real gem and an ordinary piece of glass.
Only a gemmologist can do it.
* The introvert talented people must talk about or at least give a
hint about their real worth. Otherwise, they will face difficulty in
gaining acceptance within the society.
People use Glass, but care for Gems:

If you are someone ordinary, then it is obvious that youll be

treated like an ordinary person. On the other hand, if you are
special then you will be offered a special treatment.
I mean, who seriously cares for an object made of glass. If the
window breaks you will get it replaced and move on. Anyhow,
when it comes about jewels, then you do care, protect them by
keeping those stones in a safe, pull them out for special
occasions, let your friends know about them, and do much more.
And in a similar manner we treat people and are treated by
people.
Long Experience Vs the shortcuts:

Be it a gem or glass, both require a lot of heat in the creation

process. The thing that varies significantly in the formation of
both is time.

Heat the ordinary sand to appropriate level and you will create
glass. This is the reason we have so much glass all around us. It is
a very-very quick process in comparison to millions of years
required in creation of gem stones.
To become an expert (real one) in a field you will require devoting
a lot of time and hard work. Example: Like many acquire a
degree, but only a few end up enlisting in fortune five hundred.
In Modern Context:
It will be biased to conclude at this point. Take example of
diamonds; those are also created artificially, but the fact remains.
The artificial diamonds are cheap (say very cheap in comparison
to real ones). They are used as industrial cutters and a fraction of
them goes into creation of jewelry.
For sure they are more precious than glass, people care a bit for
them, but at the end the major part of the story remains same.
Dear reader, I would be happy to know your ideas, likes, and
dislikes regarding this article. Please do the favor by commenting
below.

The Animals To Make you a Better Human

The title of this article sounds strange for sure. Trust
me! its about the animals, in relation with Chanakya, and
interesting as well. In the Chapter 6 of Chanakya Neeti, are
mentioned a few animals and their characteristics. A man must
try to become like those. They are:

Lion

Crane

Cock

Crow

Dog

Donkey

The characteristics of each to be followed are briefly discussed

below.
Lion:

When a lion hunts then he hunts as if he has nothing else to do.

The idea is that a man must work in the similar manner,
putting all his strength and energy towards accomplishment of
the objective. This wholehearted approach is definitely a key
ingredient for success. When you do some work, then seriously
get involved in it.
Crane:

A crane is marvelous predator. It calmly focuses on its prey before

striking with lightening speed. It analyses first and
acts afterwards. This is the reason that it never misses (Almost all
the times). In the same manner a man must develop a
tremendous skill of analysis. This will not only increase his
chances of success, but also save the energy that might
otherwise be spent in vain making unsuccessful/unplanned
efforts.
Cock:

The very evident quality of a cock is that it rises early in the

morning. Another, one is its dominating nature. It protects and

defends the family with aggression. In the same manner a man

must be punctual of time and care for his subjects.
It is said that the life of a punctual man remains in order. Here, by
dominance I am not referring to acts of bullying and bluffing.
Crow:

Crows are black birds with a very harsh-voice (Not the quality to
be copied). They mateprivately unlike other birds (I dont know
whether its a fact or a mythological assumption). They dont give
up easily and its difficult to scare them. It has been seen that
they have the tendency to collect items. The most marvelous
quality of a crow is that it is on-alert all the times i.e. Well aware
about the surroundings.
The private acts must be done privately. This not only
applies to sex, but also hints about covering the secrets. In
addition to that the will power of a person must be strong. The
crow will retry and will keep trying to steal away its share.
Similarly, a man must not get scared form initial failures and retry
as am when the opportunity arises.
Dog:

Mans best friend is well known for his loyalty. Dogs can survive
without food for several days and when the opportunity arises,
it can overeat to fulfill the losses. A Dog is alert even when
asleep.
I need not to say that a man must be loyal. When a person
considers you to be loyal then he treats you in a better way.
The ability of a dog to overeat signifies the skill of a man to

balance out the damages done so far. The dog wakes up with a
pin drop (most of them ): )this quality teaches a man to be alert
and suspicious.
* Suspicion mentioned here is about monitoring the actions of
others. You are a good man, but this goodness alone cannot save
you from a conspiracy by wicked men around you.
Donkey:

This beast of burden is well known for its endurance and stamina.
Though people have always looked at it as a pathetic object
of fun, none can question its usability.
The donkey signifies pure labor. I mean, if you have many
great plans in mind, but you dont have the power to implement
them, then those plans are technically worthless. All I want to say
is that at the end you will require putting real efforts. The ability
to work hard is mandatory.
* If you are not ready to put some hard work then most likely you
will face failure. There is no difference between a lazy person with
a sound mind and a lazy person with unsound mind. They both
will accomplish nothing

Good Advice and Bad Advice: The Difference

When you are not sure about something you will require an
Advice. If good advice is like a boon then bad advice is nothing
less than a curse. This way it becomes very crucial in life to give
and take right kind of advises.

In my nation the inflation is on rise, but this one thing is still

offered for free. Every mouth has an opinion irrespective of the
know-how required. Its really funny to observe people taking it so
lightly.
Simply, the advice that fetches you profit in reality (real profit not
imaginary) is good, otherwise its useless or might be disastrous.
In this post I have tried to explore the basic difference between a
good advice and a bad one. Have a look
Taking Advises:

These points might help:

The suggestion coming from a person belonging to

a different field must be given a second thought, third thought,
4th You must not expect a physician to explain rocket
science in its correct form. The person might be knowledgeable
but only in his area of expertise.

The person providing you with suggestions is himself

a big clues. Your task must be to look for any hidden agenda.
There is nothing bad to profit others, but not at the cost of your
loss.

Men make mistake and they make more mistakes when too
happy, too sad, or angry. The advises provide at these times
are to be taken very seriously. In the hype you might
do something for which you will have to regret later.

Alcoholism and drug abuse is on rise. The suggestions to and

from people suffering from such condition must be provided
with greatest care. Hopefully, this might not be the case with
you, but it happens and I have seen it multiple times.

Sometimes the suggestion might not be a complete match

with your requirements. In such cases you can perform the
desired modification in plan to make it compatible.

The one thing that you must never forget is that at the end, responsibility
will be yours. The incurred profit or loss will affect you, only you, or your
loved ones.

If you fail the whole responsibility will be yours. None will come
and say It was my mistake as I gave you a wrong advice. Even if
they confess the situation is unlikely to change.
Giving Advises:

The simple rule of thumb is to never provide an advice outside

your area of expertise. In case, you find it difficult to suppress
your urge to speak then mention it clearly that the idea stated is
simply your point of view.
When you really desire to help someone better do it the right way.
If you cannot make it it right dont turn it to bad.
The conclusion is that you will come across numerous suggestions
and a lot of mouths. Every time you will have to determine the
legitimacy of every individual idea being presented to you. There
is no single line definition or some devise to differentiate between
a good advice and a bad advice. All you need is to take care and
act right.
A Few Chanakya Neeti Quotes about speaking :

It is a waste to advice some foolish person. Your words wont

change the persons nature. Like the fragrant wind passing

through forest of sandal wood does not make any impact on

odor of a bamboo tree.

Dont give any advice to a foolish person; try taking care of a

woman with loose character; keep company of a sad fellow.

A really wise man is well aware about the art of speaking, he

talks as per situation, speak the words that add to his fame,
and shows anger in accordance with the power he possesses.

An advice is just an idea. It is you who will have to think about the
outcome and act accordingly.

Appreciation: The Root Cause of Many

Things
This idea suddenly popped into my brain and I was thrilled on
analyzing its impact on my life and life of individuals around
me. Appreciation is the RDX of the Psychological world and
is extremely powerful. It can do miracles; it performs miracles,
and continues performing them provided the supply
of motivation remains uninterrupted.
The Simple Secret?

It is the appreciation that directs a person to do even more. Have

a look at a few examples:

A husband is likely to continue with acts for which he

receives appreciation from his wife.

A child will treat the appreciation by parents as a flag for

continuing with good deeds. On the other hand, if he is

admired for those naughty acts then he might continue his

journey on a very different path.

If an employee receives true appreciation then he will try to

prove more beneficial for the business.

And many more.

The simple reason behind such tendency lies at the root of human
civilization. At the end we are nothing but social animals. Most of
us need some sort of support from people around us.
Any man who is not dead-from-inside will put more efforts to
make his family happy in comparison to the efforts he will
implement for personal gains.
Everyone Likes Recognition and Acceptance.

When you are admired by others, then in a corner of your heart

you feel the feeling of being significant. This is a very pleasant
and strong feeling. It acts like fuel for your propulsion unit and
your efforts towards the accomplishment of desired objective
increases as well.
The problem begins when receiving admiration becomes the
priority of a person. Such person is somewhat exposed to outer
influences and is likely to be cheated or fooled by cunning people
who know the trick to exploit such weaknesses.
Let us look at the Dos and Donts. On being appreciated, you
must ask following questions to remain on right track.

Who is appreciating you? Does that person really care?

Why does he appreciate you? Is there some hidden or visible

agenda? Most people will say they dont demand anything, are

not jealous, always ready to support you, but the real count of
such persons in your life will be significantly low.

What you did was right or wrong? If wrong then why

You have a great potential and the appreciation will definitely act
as a catalyst. Still, it is your personal responsibility to avoid traps
and to become fully aware about the ground reality.
What really matters is that you do good deeds, great tasks, and
huge accomplishments. If appreciation comes easily then well &
good, else there is no need to feel low.
Utilizing Admiration as a Construction Tool:

None appreciates resistance of any manner. Most of the men

dont like listening to their weaknesses no matter how valid or
true they are. On encountering resistance they frame stories &
excuses, fight or flight, or do something else which cannot be
termed right. In a nutshell the attitude towards mistakes is not so
positive.
One of the alternate approaches will be to start the repair from
Right section instead of the Wrong section. People love being
admired, appreciated, and accepted. You can appreciate them for
any good deed (be it significant or insignificant). Most probably
they will start showing improvement.
* When you appreciate or admire then make sure that you sound
genuine and not fake. The person may react completely opposite
if it appears fake or artificial.
* Other sorts of corrective measures might also be needed as per
individual case and requirement.

Where Do We Lack in Life

The secret to success lies in grabbing the opportunities as
and when they arrive. We all know this simple fact, but most of
us fail when it comes about implementing this very
simple strategy.
Actually simplicity and ease are two different terms with
different meanings. Yes! the fact stated in previous paragraph is
quite simple, but not easy to follow.
Immediately the question arises that where do we lack in life?
Going through the following headings might help. Have a look
Accepting The Truth:

The reasons for failure can be many and every individual

knows them all. (I mean who else will know it better than the
person himself). The problem is that despite of being aware about
the problems we hesitate in accepting them.
Take example of a wrestler who lost a match. He in his heart
knows that he requires a better preparation for matches to come,
but instead he begins searching ointment in a wine-shop. He is
deliberately acting ignorant and most of the people are not an
exception to such approach. This kind of attitude can only end in
self-sabotage.
Those who have accepted their mistakes must know that the
story does not ends there. Actually, we require implementing
necessary and practical rectifications to those problems.

The best part about accepting your truth is that you need not to
utter a single word. There is no requirement for any dialogue with
anyone (until official/mandatory requirement). It is more a
personal experience and about a commitment with none other
than yourself.
* Instead of acting arrogant, ignorant, or playing the victims-card
one must accept his weaknesses and get prepared for events to
come.
Never Ending Excuses:

There are people who will blame the barrel, bullet, and even the
target, but not their inability to aim well. It has been said that a
smart person will frame his strategy as per the environment. A
foolish will try to change everything except himself.
Excuses in life will fetch you sympathy, but nothing useful.
Surely, it can do no good to anyone.
* Here I have used the term excuse for activities where people
misuse the terms like logic, reasoning, evaluation, and
comparison etc to bind-up their shattered ego. You can reduce the
pain by sedatives, but not cure the disease.
Lack of Clarity:

Reasons and purposes together define your objective. If you are

not sure about the reason for doing something then take a pause
and think for a while. Be it your job, education, or business; the
main objective (or multiple objectives) must be crystal clear in
your mind.

Most of the people have their own reasons for doing something,
but they might not be very clear about those reasons/objectives.
It sounds strange, but is true.
Take example of kids in kindergarten and you will get my point.
Those kids dont have a clear understanding for the purpose.
Now, if you think that most of the people pursuing graduation
have a better level of clarity their regarding goals & objectives,
then you are wrong! (most of them never grew up).
Chanakya said that Everyone is likely to face troubles in life and
even wise men are afraid of them. Anyhow, the real wise men
deal with troubles wholeheartedly and boldly upon their arrival

Trying to Prove, What you are Not?

Denial of reality has become the new trend. More and more
people are falling prey to this disease. I am sure that you must
have encountered people who are good at nothing, but dialogues.
The problem is that instead of relating themselves to real physical
world, they dwell in some wonderland.
They are the most hopeful people who believe that things will turn
better with time and they will achieve everything they desire. On
the other hand their actions might not be compatible with their
goals.
We Humans Have a Tendency To Compete:
It is primitive human nature to compare & contrast own status
and possessions with that of others. In the same manner others

do it as well. This creates a kind of competition among us to

be richer,powerful, influential, and happy than others. This
tendency creates the complex system of hierarchy with conflict
for dominance at different stages.
* The top-most reason for people to be sad is nothing but happiness of
others.

Why People Pretend and show-off?

The reasons can be many. The most prominent ones are:

As an attempt to fulfil pride/ego.

To gain acceptance.

To create safeguards.
In this world people are bound to believe as things appear to

them. Someone might be very good at something, but no one will

notice until and unless he shows/proves his skills in-front of
others.
Considering the message in previous paragraph we can easily
understand the reason for so many people trying to prove
themselves as someone they are actually not.
Lets take example of a student, who after watching a movie gets
inspired from the character and tries to copy him in his life. This
kind of approach can be beneficial in few cases, but proves
disastrous in most of them.
Your life and your surroundings are unique and same is the case
with person standing next to you. The best (and perhaps the

simplest) advice will be to adapt and adjust as per your

environment.
* I mean how difficult is to accept this simple and life-transforming
reality of life?
There is no point in Trying to Prove, What you are Not? Instead,
you must get engaged in the tasks that you perform best. On
doing so for a while you will realize that there absolutely no
requirement to be anyone else.
* Steve Jobs never tried to act like Steve Jobs because he himself
was Steve Jobs.
Conclusion:

Be yourself.

Focus on things you can do best.

Dont just Hope, better make plans and act upon them.

Better become someone-who-matters (in Reality).

Showing-off, jealousy, unjust comparisons etc. will not take you

on the path of true glory.Work for satisfying yourself instead
of proving something to others. Work and act in a manner
that you will have nothing to regret upon, when you will begin the
journey for next world.

Useless Education
Chanakya Neeti says that:

Education will be considered useless until it is not put to some

practical use. The life of an uneducated person is a total waste.
Similar is the case with an army without a commander
It is said that there exists a great power in knowledge and
most of us will accept it without any sort of objection. Yes! the
power exists for sure.
Knowledge is Like Fuel:

What we dont realize is that knowledge is like fuel. Its true

potential is hidden and you wont be able to utilize it until and
unless you set fire to it.
Another interesting fact is that fuel comes in multiple shapes and
sizes. We have coal, gasoline, LPG, and even rocket propellants.
Same is the case with knowledge.
Every type of knowledge is meant for a specific or multiple tasks.
You need coal for a barbecue, gasoline for your car, and nuclear
fuel to run few special aircraft carriers. Now, considering the same
in terms of knowledge we can say that an accountant needs
knowledge of accounts, a doctor needs knowledge of medicine,
and a soldier requires knowledge of combat. The list can go on
and on.
Effective Utilization:

Today, the major concern is not about acquiring knowledge. You

can easily get desired information on any subject. Be it science,
philosophy, religion, history, geography, computers, or any other
field of study.

Usually the problem arises when you are unable to find any
means of utilizing the knowledge that you acquired.
* Its not sufficient to have gasoline. You also need a car.
Please Dont misinterpret:

I dont mean to say that one must restrict himself from acquiring
more and more knowledge. This type of approach will prove
nothing, but a self-sabotage.
You can understand this by going through a simple daily life
example. When your car runs out of Gasoline, then what you do?
Yes! We refuel it. This way it can be concluded that no matter
what, more and more fuel will be needed. There is no harm in
stocking it (the knowledge) and its not illegal to do so.
If driving a car is your key area of concern then too you will need
other kinds of fuel. Why? Because life is a combination of different
activities i.e. you not only drive a car, but cook your food as well.
Different fuels for different tasks and in the same way you will
need different types of knowledge for handling different kind of
jobs.
* Excess of knowledge is a perfect means for building safeguards.
Conclusion:

The world will consider your education to be a useless

education, provided you gain success in finding a practical
implementation for it. (Especially, for your major area of
concern)

Knowledge is like fuel and its up to you to utilize it in the

way you desire.

There is no problem with stocking fuel i.e. gaining more

knowledge and upgrading your skills.

Knowledge related to other fields is also important because

in life you require playing multiple roles

9 Types of People Who Might Not Be Marriage Material

As surprising as it may seem, not everybody wants to get married. There are certain
types of people who are not marriage material because they will never make great,
dedicated partners. If you have reservations about your partner, its best to address
them now to save yourself from heartache down the road. Sadly, so many of us
marry these types of people anyway (the ones we have reservations about) and find
out later, rather than sooner, that we shouldnt have married them to begin with.
Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut.
Maybe more of us are listening to our guts and opting not to marry those who we
know arent really marriage material. According to Pew Research, as reported
by Time, 25% of millennials will never get married, and the research organization
predicts that more and more folks under the age of 35 will be single forever. So why
arent people getting married anymore? According to the data, there are three main
reasons people gave for their singleness: 30% say that they havent found the right
person, 27% say they arent financially stable enough, and 22% say they are not
ready to settle down.
Worried your partner might not be marriage material? This list, inspired by a
Huffington Post article, reveals what to look for.

1. The flake
This is someone who seems to weave in and out of your life and is never really able
to commit, even though your chemistry is undeniable. It would be really hard to nail
this person down. Author Brenda Della Casa ofCinderella Was a Liar: The Real
Reason You Cant Find (or Keep) a Prince speaks about this kind of person, both
male and female, to the Huffington Post. They might tell you to be patient or to trust

them, but youre probably feeling more anxiety than butterflies, she says. You have
an instinct for a reason and its OK to trust and protect yourself in relationships.
Those who want to be with you will make adjustments and those who want to be with
you out of convenience will fall by the wayside when you set strong boundaries in
place.

2. The overbearing person

Youve been dating for two weeks and you already feel like youre being
overwhelmed. Its not a good thing when one party dives into the relationship too
soon things take time to develop. Amy Van Doran, New York City-based
matchmaker and founder of The Modern Love Club, breaks down this type of person
to theHuffington Post: Whats the rush here? If its real, you are not going anywhere.
This excitement is less about you, and more about their insecurities and who they
are as a person, she said.

3. The incredibly selfish person

Your romantic partner should be supportive and at least indulge in listening to
whatever your gripes are. If youre getting the sense that your partner doesnt care or
is not being totally supportive, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

4. The partner whos overcritical

Your partner is not supposed to be critical of you, and is supposed to accept your
flaws and weird habits as part of you. Critics are only concerned with what they want
and how they want you to change in order to fit that mold of their ideal
you. SelfGrowth.com offers several solutions to dealing with an overcritical partner.
For example, the site suggests not getting defensive and truly listening to what your
partner has to say perhaps he or she is making a valid point. If the criticisms are
unwarranted and come frequently, set aside time to talk to your partner about this. If
you two cant resolve it on your own, SelfGrowth.com notes that counseling might be
an option as well.

5. The Sidekick

You may think that having a partner who agrees with you all the time and never
fusses over anything and allows you to take the lead with everything is the equivalent
of discovering lost jewels in the pyramids of Ancient Egypt; youve really hit on
something undiscovered and rare. However, Nguyen tells the Huffington Post that
you want a partner who is willing to compromise. Its not good for either of you if the
other person allows you to make all of the decisions.

6. The Im always right partner

The narcissistic partner requires you to do things his or her way at all times. It would
be a long, tedious life with someone who has this particular quality; this is a trait you
should avoid when looking for a long-term partner, Della Casa said to the Huffington
Post. Unsure of whether youre dating a narcissist? Take a look at these 10 signs.

7. The I cant keep a job partner

Changing careers and not being able to keep a job are two entirely different
things. Whether due to getting fired or quitting, it can signal a much larger problem,
Della Casa says to the Huffington Post. If your partner truly cant hold down a job, it
may be time to reassess things. According to MarriageMax.com, this is an issue that
can cause you to become frustrated and even lose respect for your significant other.

8. The dramatic partner

All couples fight. In fact, disagreements can sometimes show that you care about the
relationship. The problem arises when one partner over-reacts and doesnt fight
fair. Looking for tips on how to help a partner who overreacts? PsychCentral offers
some helpful tips and advice.

9. The too independent partner

Having a life outside your relationship is important; you shouldnt be dependent upon
your partner for everything. The problem is when your partner hints or states that he
or she would be fine without you, Van Doran says to the Huffington Post. If you have
concerns that your partner couldnt care less if you broke up, it might be time to have
a serious chat.

Being a Good House Wife

Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri; Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu
Rambha, Roopeshu lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri, Shat dharmayukta,
Kuladharma Pathni Neetisara
Neeti Saara is a very popular collection of morals written by Telugu Poet Baddena aka Bhadra
Bhupala who lived during the 13th century. Since this was written by an Indian keeping in mind
the Hindu culture, it outlines the qualities an Indian bride should have.
Meaning of 'Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri; Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha,
Roopeshu lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri, Shat dharmayukta, Kuladharma Pathni'.
1) Karyeshu Dasi: works like a servant
2) Karaneshu Mantri : advises like a minister
3) Bhojeshu Mata: feeds like a mother
4) Shayaneshu Ramba : Pleases in bed like the heavenly beauty Rambha
5) Roopeshu Lakshmi : Beautiful like Goddess Lakshmi
6) Kshmayeshu Dharitri : Having patience like Earth
7) Shat dharma yuktah: woman who has this six virtues
8) Kula dharma Patni: good housewife (a married woman who is not employed outside the
home)
In short, a good housewife should

Be like a servant in doing the chores of the House

give intelligent advice like a minister to her husband

serve food to the husband as lovingly as a mother feeds her son

like a courtesan in the Bedroom

Beautiful like Maha Lakshmi and

Have the forbearance of Mother Earth

However, the Hindu Dharma also has references about husband and wife relationship as
saha dharma chariNam which means sharing of dharma equally. It is also said that the
results or fruits of the chores would be shared equally. As per Manu, where women are
honored, the Gods are pleased; where they are not honored, all work becomes
fruitless.

No matter how free, progressive, educated and successful a woman is, most Indian men
see the household chores as a responsibility of a woman.
A marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership between the Husband and Wife. Having
said this I also agree that woman should thrive to achieve this 6 fold role to have a happy
and successful marriage. I am a firm believer of Treat your Husband exactly the same way
you want yourself to be treated. What you give is what you get in return. Give love, respect
and care to your Partner and you are sure to get it back from him. Even Niti Saara has a
similar verse, 'Do not do unto others what one would not like others to do unto
oneself'.

How to Be a Good Husband to Your Wife - 11 Qualities to Be

the Perfect One
Eleven Qualities of an Ideal Husband
Many women spend their lives looking for a good husband. Even some parents won't sleep
peacefully until they feel that their daughter is with a good man. After I wrote about the qualities
of a good wife, I got a request to write about how to be a good husband or what sort of a
husband a lady looks for. It is often heard that a good son will be a good husband. But I think a
man should be more than just a good son to be a perfect husband.
Below are the desirable qualities of a husband.

How to Be a Good Husband?

1) Be Pleasant: Nobody likes an arrogant man. Be pleasant to everyone around you including
your wife, friends and family. Be warm, kind, positive, understanding and friendly. It is often said
that What we give is what we get back. Try to arrive home as cheery and lighthearted as you
can, even if you had a bad day at the office or are physically exhausted after driving through
traffic. Just because your wife does not go out to work does not mean that her work is less
strenuous. She might have been struggling with children and housework all day.
2) Respect the Vows: Faithfulness and loyalty are prime qualities a wife wants in her man. Have
a sense of honor and duty. Remember that when you got married you took sacred vows. The
honorable thing is to fulfill your duty to your wife that you took upon yourself the day you got
married. It is the duty of a man to provide for his family. Never expect your wife to contribute to
the smooth operation of the household. Even in this day and age of women in the workplace,
most prefer to have that as an option rather than a necessary part of their lives. Motherhood and
caring for a husband and home usually takes priority. Never assume that the money you earn is
yours to do with as you like. You have a family to think about and their needs must always come
before your own.
3) Reliable, Responsible and Supportive: Every woman wants her partner to be reliable and
be there for her when she needs her. Support your wife in all stages of life. Provide reassurance
when she is feeling down. Do not belittle her or hurt her ego. If she is a working woman

understand her work pressures and problems. Be proud of her accomplishments and do not
forget to compliment her. Be available for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on or when she
needs support from you. Let her know that you care for her. When you are not near her at least
make a phone call, even if you talk to her for only a minute or two. When you come back after
work or on weekend do things with her or help her in whatever way possible. She will appreciate
it even if you are not much of a help beca. Be a friend to her. When you dont agree with her
views, respectfully let her know that you dont agree and give good reasons.
4) Adaptability and Sensitivity: As years pass by you'll see that glowing woman you fell in love
with years ago does not look the same or behave in the same manner. She may be tied up with
the pressure of home like the needs of children, financial obligations, etc. Allow her time to relax
by taking some weight off her shoulders or take some time out so that you can spend some time
together relaxing. Be sensitive to the needs of your wife and look to meet them. Do not let your
feelings toward life's changes affect your feelings toward your wife. An ideal man needs to be
sensitive to the requirements of his partner, treat her as an equal, understand when she needs to
stay late at work or help with housework and contribute to the expenses.
5) Show Respect: If you expect respect from others, you need to treat others with respect too.
Respect can be reflected in the way one talks and behaves. Always speak in a loving manner
and refrain from speaking harshly. A good husband never chooses to belittle, strike, humiliate or
otherwise harm his wife in private or in public. It is better to watch what you say and to think your
thoughts through before speaking, as it is not possible to take back words once they have been
spoken. Treat her with respect in front of others and at home. Do not look at other ladies in front
of her. Take her opinion into cinsideration when making important decisions for the family. If you
are bringing your buddies home, let her know in advance.
6) Judgment and Emotional Baggage: Many of us have emotional baggage. But do not bring
that emotional baggage into the marriage. Many men praise their previous wives, girlfriends or
mothers in front of their wives. Avoid judging every action or opinion your wife has and
understand that she is different from you. Her experiences and likings may be different from
yours, too. Making her feel that she does not measure up will only ruin your marriage.
7) Communication: Communication is the key to a solid marriage. Women also expect honesty
in men. Honesty is what builds trust in your relationship with your woman. She may even forgive
your mistakes, but only if you are honest with her and promise not to do it again. Women like
their men to be open to them at all times and not keep them in the dark about what is going on in
their lives. Find time to sit and talk with your wife on a daily basis even if it is just during dinner
time. If you let things bottle up and feel that you cannot share with her then your marriage is in
trouble. Be a good listener when she talks. Your wife too wants someone to listen to her and
empathize with what's going on in her life. Listen avidly to your wife's complaints. Women cannot
resist a man who understands their moods, attitude, feelings, values, likes and dislikes. This will
encourage her to open up with you and not keep secrets. Good communication helps in building
trust and strengthens your relationship. Make your woman laugh often. Women love men who
are witty and have a sense of humor. Fights or problems may happen but do not let the world
know about it, rather solve it between yourselves. The fight you had last week over shopping or

whatever is over and done with. So move on and stop rehashing old stuff and reminding her of
her faults. Do not resort to name-calling, hitting, spitting, breaking dishes or anything else when
you lose your temper.
8) Love and Affection: Show your love and affection to her as often as possible. Every woman
is a sucker for affection. If you only give her that stuff to get her into bed, your wife is going to
notice and think it's insincere. A good husband will appreciate his wife and will notice her, even
after twenty or fifty years of marriage. She needs you to notice when she gets a new haircut or
dresses up in something sexy for you to come home to. If you fail to notice what she is doing for
you too many times, she may just count it as fruitless and quit. Give your partner something
fancy when she least expects it. Surprise her by planning a trip, preparing a nice dinner, giving a
bunch of her favorite flowers or taking her out for shopping. Every woman likes to be pampered.
Women, one way or the other, are nothing but overgrown babies who constantly need care. But
every woman has their likings. Give her things that she likes instead of forcing your likes on her
and show her that you care and will be always there for her. Never forget the special days in her
life. Make an effort to initiate spontaneous affection with your wife. Build companionship by doing
things together like a common interest or hobby. Give her a hug or a surprise kiss and tell her
how much you love her. Hold hands with her when youre out together. These small gestures
show your wife that youve thought of her and help you reinforce your commitment to her.
9) Offer Protection: A woman needs to feel safe and secure with her man. She needs to feel
that when he is with her no one can harm her. You don't need to be a muscle man but at least
when you are with her others should not be making passes at her. She wants her man to behave
like a man and treat her like a lady.
10) Give Her Space: As a husband you need to understand that your wife has a life other than
you. She has her parents, friends and colleagues who too are part of her life. She also may have
some hobbies or passions. Dont expect her undivided attention. Dont stop her if she wants to go
out and hang out with her friends sometimes, engage in a hobby or spend some time with her
parents.
11) Keep Her Happy in Bed: Sexual intimacy is essential to any marriage. Good sex helps
to strengthen your emotional and physical attraction to her. Please your wife in bed and be
faithful to her. No woman would tolerate a cheating partner. Good sex plays a vital part when it
comes to a satisfying relationship and if you are not skilled in bed that is going to be a major turnoff. Never grumble about having to support children you didn't want to have. If you were
irresponsible enough to help her get pregnant, then it is your duty to pay for that child. Do not
bring porn into a relationship. Porn will only create unrealistic expectations in your mind about
your spouses libido, body, and comfort level with weird sex positions.
In short, if you don't like how your partner treats you, take a minute to notice how you treat your
partner and correct your behavior. If you are an ideal husband, that will help your wife to be an
ideal wife. A wife usually responds to the way that she is treated. If she is treated like she is
worthless, she will be worthless to you. But, if you treat her well, she will be a jewel in your
crown, a pleasure to you and a forever blessing.

How to be a Good Wife to Your Husband - 12 Qualities a Man Looks for

in His Woman
Qualities of a Good Wife
Every man wants a good wife. In turn, many will often advise a new bride to be a good wife to her
new husband. What does this mean, exactly? What are the makings of a good or perfect wife?
Most of these qualities are already present in a woman, while the rest can be learned or
developed.
In India, the qualities of a good wife or the six noble virtues an ideal wife should have are
summed up in the verse from Neethisaram: "Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri; Bhojeshu Mata,
Shayaneshu Rambha, Roopeshu lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri, Shat dharmayukta,
Kuladharma Pathni"
Below in this article, find 12 tips on being a good wife.

How to Be a Good Wife: Keeping the Man Happy

I am a film believer that what you give is what you get in return as far as human behavior is
concerned. So if you are a good wife to your husband and treat him right, he will cherish, love,
and nurture you in return.
Want to know how to keep your husband happy? Here are 12 qualities a man looks for in his
wife.
1.

Be pleasant. As mentioned already, we should treat others the way we want to be

treated. That being said, never be rude to your husband, family, and friends. Try to be
warm, kind, positive, understanding, and friendly. Actively work to be pleasant toward your
husband. Dont be that person who lashes out at others because you had a bad day.
Welcome your husband with a smile when he comes home. A good wife honors her hubby
by keeping a pleasant tone in her voice, a happy smile on her face, and a neat and clean
appearance. Listen to him talk about his day, especially if it was a difficult one. If you don't
like how your partner treats you, take a minute to observe how you treat your partner and
try correct your behavior.

2.

Treat him with respect. If you expect respect from others. we need to treat others in
return with respect too. Havent we all heard "Give respect and take respect?" Respect can
be reflected in the way one talks and behaves. Always speak in a loving way and refrain
from speaking in a harsh manner. A good wife respects her hubby. She never chooses to
belittle, strike, humiliate, or otherwise harm him in private or in public. It is better to watch
what you say and think before speaking, as it is not possible to take back the words once
they are said. A good wife will treat her man with respect in front of others and at home.

3.

Communicate. Communication is the key to a good and solid marriage. Do not hide
things or keep secrets from your husband. Be honest. Find time to sit and talk with him on a

daily basis, even if it is for only half an hour. If you let things bottle up and feel that you
cannot share with your husband, then your marriage is in trouble. Be a good listener. You
may have a dozen important things to tell him, but allow him to talk first. Don't greet him
with complaints and problems the moment he comes back from work. Good communication
also helps to build trust and strengthen your relationship. The wife and husband are a team
or partners. Do not make any major decisions about the family without consulting with
husband. Fights or problems may happen, but do not let the world know about it. Rather,
you should try to solve it between yourselves as partners. The fight you had last week over
shopping or whatever is over and done with. So try to move on with it and stop rehashing
the past and reminding him of his faults. Do not resort to name calling, hitting, spitting,
breaking dishes, or anything else when you lose your temper. If you do, he may actually
start to fall out of love with you and you could lose him all together. Always communicate
with words and a calm mind. Breathe before you decide to act on your temper.
4.

Be supportive. A husband expects his wifes support and understanding, especially in

troubled. A good wife loves her hubby for his successes and failures, and provides
reassurance when he's feeling down. She is a nurturer and an equal partner in the
marriage. Support him in all stages of his career and life. Do not belittle your man or hurt his
ego. It is often said that "a wife can make or break a man." Theres no quicker way to build
resentment in your man than to criticize him or belittle him, especially in front of others. Be
proud of him on his accomplishments and genuinely compliment him. You can then expect
him to behave in return in the same manner and also respect you more for your support and
thoughtfulness. If you dont agree with him, respectfully let him know you dont agree with a
healthy conversation.

5.

Do not nag. No man likes a nagging wife. Ask him nicely. Many wives think that nagging
is the only way to get her husband to do things. The truth is that your nagging can create an
unwanted rift, or can make things worse between the two of you. Your husband is a grown
man with his own thoughts and desires. Just because you think he should be doing
something particular doesn't mean he has to do it.

6.

Give him his space. As a wife, it's important to understand that your husband has a life
that's more than you. He has a family, friends, and colleagues who are also part of his life.
He also may have hobbies and passions he is involved in. Dont expect his undivided
attention at all times. Dont stop him if he wants to go out and hang out with his friends
sometimes or engage in a hobby or sport that he likes. An interfering wife can sometimes
be very irritating.

7.

Keep him happy in bed. Sexual intimacy is one of the most essential things in any
marriage. When you please your man, he will be obliged to please you in return. Please
your man in bed. If you cannot keep your man happy in bed, he may go where he can get it
elsewhere. After all, a man is a man! According to research, one major reason why men
cheat is mostly physical, whereas for a woman it is emotional.

8.

Plan surprises. Men like surprises too. It can be anything, from organizing his birthday
party without him knowing about it or planning a special night of passion by playing a
seductress. Your surprises do not have to be elaborate and can be as simple as making him

his favorite snack or any of his favorite dishes once in a while, even if you would rather eat
something else.
9.

Express your love and appreciation often. Men likes praises and appreciation. Make
the most of your time together. Men like to hear the words "I love you" too. Also, try to join
him in activities that he's interested in, even if you prefer to do something else. Give him a
thoughtful gift once in a while. Make it a point never to forget the special days in his life.
Pamper him often, especially when he is home. You can cook for him or give him a
massage. Making him dependent on you by doing his chores when he is at home is not a
bad idea either. Let him miss you and think about you when you are not around. These
gestures wont go unnoticed, and it may even inspire him to do something nice for you.
Don't withhold affection.

10.

Be honest, loyal, and dedicated. A good wife is honest, loyal, and dedicated to her
husband. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and the vows you have taken at the time of
marriage should be kept up at all times.

11.

Keep up your health and appearance. A good wife honors her hubby by keeping a
pleasant tone in her voice, a happy smile on her face, and a neat and clean appearance.
Take special care of your appearance, not just for him but for yourself. Include exercises or
yoga in your daily routine to stay healthy. Be hygienic. Some woman feel that once they are
married why they should dress up or take care of their appearance this isn't true, and if
you do it you should also do it because it makes yourself feel good too and that makes your
husband happy also. A man also likes his wife to smell good. If you are unhealthy or not
presentable, your man may start looking elsewhere.

12.

Maintain the house. Maintain a clean house all the time. Clear away the clutter and
spend time decorating the house. Apart from this, be wise with money and take all the
responsibilities of a wife seriously without complaining too much.

Do you want a good husband who will love and cherish you? Then treat him exactly the way you
want him to treat you. If you want your husband to treat you like a queen, you should treat him
like a king. In this modern world where most wives also work, the above advice may not be fully
practical. But at least some effort can be put into exercising these tips in practice. If you are
working, you may want to hire a maid to take care of the household chores of cooking, cleaning,
and so forth.
I am sure any man would be happy to get a good wife with all the above-listed qualities. Also, I
have some advice for the men who were overjoyed seeing this article. Remember: Marriage is a
two-way street, there are two people in this relationship, and you have to play your role as well if
you expect your wife to be an ideal one.

How to know if your Husband is having an Affair - 10 Signs to

tell if he is cheating
How to know if your Husband is Having an Affair

One of the major reasons for Divorce or unhappiness in Marriage is marital infidelity. It is not a
pleasant experience to know that your significant other is cheating on you. Many times letting
marital boredom creeping into the marriage can ruin a relationship. However, if you are able to
recognize the warning signs of an affair earlier, you may be able to save the marriage from
breaking up.
There may be many reasons why men may cheat. How to know if your Husband is having an
Affair? You can ask him directly, but he may not tell you the truth. There is also a good chance
that if he is not having an affair he may take offense. So the best course of action is to look out
for warning signals, gather proof and then confront your husband about it. Even better than that
would be to make sure such a thing never happens by giving him the love and attention your
spouse deserves to keep the marriage healthy and happy.
What are some signs that your husband is cheating on you? Given are 10 Signs or warning
signals for those who are trying to figure out if their partner is having an affair.

10 Signs that he is cheating on you

How to know if your husband is cheating on you? Given below are 10 Signs or warning signals
for those who are trying to figure out if their partner is having an affair.
1.

Change is Behavior: Change in behavior of your Husband can be a major indicator that
something is wrong in the relationship. If there are significant changes in your partner's
behavior towards you, it can be a warning signal that your guy may be having an affair.
Have your partner suddenly started buying Gifts for you or calling you often? Is he getting
too many calls all of a sudden or does he stay away from home more than usual? Guilt can
make Men do things which they may not be in the habit of doing normally. Sometimes the
changes in behavior can be positive, while some times it can be negative like your partner
ignoring or avoiding you altogether.

2.

Change in Spending Habits: Is your Husband spending too much money than he used
to early? This can be an indication that he might be having an affair and is spending money
on his girlfriend to keep her happy. Huge Credit Card Bills showing money spend on jewelry,
clothes, restaurants and hotels can be the sign of him having an affair. There is a good
chance that he may have even taken a loan from Bank or have borrowed funds from friends
to spend on his girlfriend.

3.

Lack of Communication: If your Husband has suddenly started giving one line answers
or avoiding your questions it is an indication that he is hiding something.

4.

Lack of Intimacy: Lack of intimacy or decreased interest in sex with you can be an
indication that he has someone else catering to his physical needs. It is a warning sign if he
acts differently while having sex with you or shows an interest in trying out new things that
you have never talked about or done before.

5.

He is spending too much time Working: If your partner is spending a lot of time
outside home by giving the excuse of work or outstation trips related to work than normal, it

can be a sign of an affair. Also watch out if he is spending too much time with one specific
person or texting or talking with her a lot.
6.

Change in Appearance: Has your Guy suddenly started taking too much care about his
own appearance? Is he buying too many new clothes? Is he taking too much care about
grooming and hygiene habits? These things can be an indication that he may be trying to
impress someone, probably a girl friend.

7.

Your partner avoids being with you: Is your Husband avoiding your company even
during weekends? Even when you talk about spending some time together, does he always
has an excuse for avoiding it? You do not see each other as much as you used to earlier
any more apart from the lack of communication between you. Even when you call the
conversation is always a hurried or a short one from his side. All these are indications that
he may be cheating on you.

8.

Your Mutual friends are avoiding you: If your Mutual friends are not seeing you as
often as they used to or have started acting strange when talking to you, it can be a sign
that they are hiding something. Friends would normally try to distance themselves from you
than hurt you by revealing to you what they know about your husbands affair.

9.

Spending too much time Outside Home: If your Man is spending too much time
outside home by using the excuse of new hobbies or meeting new friends, it can be the sign
of an affair.

10.

Your gut instinct says so: Finally, the best indicator that your Husband is having an
Affair is your own gut instinct or inner voice. Majority of times it is also the most accurate
sign.

There can be many reasons why men cheat on their wives. If the behavior of your Husband
has drastically changed, then it could be a sign that he may be into a new relationship. However,
it is best not to jump into conclusions straight away but gather more information before
confronting him.

How to tell if your Girlfriend or Wife is cheating on you? 12

Signs that she is having an Affair
How to know if she is cheating on you?
Your intuition could be your best friend if your significant other is cheating on you behind your
back. There may be many reasons why a woman may cheat on her partner. Mostly a woman
may cheat on her partner when her emotional needs are not met by him. However, that is no
excuse to cheat. However, it may not be a difficult task to find out if she is cheating if you keep an
eye on her behavior. If her behavior has drastically changed, then it could be a sign that she may
be into a new relationship with someone else.
Given below are some tell-tale signs you can look out for to know if your Girlfriend or Wife is
having an affair.

12 Signs of Infidelity in Women

Infidelity can ruin relationships. If you suspect that your girl is cheating on you behind your back,
keep an eye on her behavior. If she is into a new relationship she may display some of the below
given signs of infidelity.
1) Drastic changes in Appearance:Has she suddenly become more conscious about her
looks? Has she invested on a new wardrobe and beauty treatments? Has she suddenly
developed an interest for working out and eating healthy to look slim and sexy? If she was not
like that earlier or if thats how it was when you started dating, then the chances are that she is
trying to impress someone else.
2) Not interested in Intimacy: If she has started looking for excuses to avoid intimacy with you
or avoiding public display of affection with you, it could be the sign of an affair.
3) You are no longer her first priority: Is she ignoring you all of a sudden? Your wife now has
more important things to do that meet up with you or talk with you. She either forgets or cancels
her dates with you saying one excuse or the other. She would rather spend time with her girls
gang than be with you. You no longer seem to be the center of her universe anymore. She no
longer refers to you as a couple or shows any interest in doing things which you enjoyed doing
together. You may find her mobile phone most of the time switched off or engaged mode. Even if
you manage to get hold of her, she may hang up the phone fast giving some excuse. All these
could be signs that she may now have a new love interest.
4) She has turned secretive: Has she stopped informing you what is going on with her life
altogether? You are no longer aware of what she is doing anymore when earlier she used to give
a detailed account of everything about her. Even when you ask her, she either avoids the topic or
gives vague replies. She could be doing that because of her fear of getting exposed.
5) She has a new mysterious friend: Does she suddenly have a new mysterious friend whom
you know nothing about? She does not reveal much about her new friend even when you ask
her. She also does not seem to be interested in you meeting her new friend. Sometimes, this
could be the opposite also. She may be full of admiration for a Guy and may talk about him a lot.
6) Suddenly you have become Mr. Perfect: Has she stopped her nagging habit (or she has
started it) all of a sudden? She does not seem to be interested in changing you anymore. She
has turned indifferent as to what you are doing or how you are doing. If that is not her usual
habit, it could be a sign of cheating.
7) She is not interested in meeting your family or friends: She is not keen to be in the
company of your friends and family anymore.
8) Simple Questions go unanswered: Even simple questions from you go unanswered. She
may get into the defensive mode or question you back most of the times.

9) She has suddenly turned Miss Nice: She has suddenly turned extra nice towards you. She
has suddenly started buying gifts or doing things for you. Men and woman may do such
unusual things when they are guilty of something.
10) Her friends act strange: If she is cheating on you, most probably her friends would know it
and may act weird around you.
11) She lies: She may tell you that she is going somewhere and you may later find out she
wasn't even there.
12) Sudden increase in expenditure: Her expenses on car fuel, cosmetics, credit cards, cell
phones etc have gone up.
The above given signs could be an indication that your woman may be cheating on you.
However, it is best not to jump into conclusions straight away and gather more information before
confronting her. Remember that if your accusations turn to be false, you may lose her. So make
sure to gather proof first.

What Is Considered Cheating

(From a Man's and a Woman's
Point of View)
Cheating: The Ch- Word
Cheating has always been a big subject. Chances are you've been exposed to it somehow
either through someone you know or through personal experience. It doesn't matter what your
nationality is or where you're from: Cheating is a part of life.
The interesting thing is that it's not always clear where the line is between harmless fun and
cheating. Men, women, and people from different backgrounds all have their own perception of
what cheating is. Everyone, of course, is entitled to their belief, but it is important to make sure
you're on the same page with your long-term partner about what that means.
I was interested in this topic, so I wrote this article with the help of some internet research and
my fianc (who is a man) to get some clarity on what is considered cheating from mens and
women's perspectives.

What Is Considered Cheating?

A 2013 study from the University of Michigan addressed this very topic by asking a pool of
undergraduates to rate 27 different behaviors (sexual, erotic, and financial) on a scale of 1-100.
A score of one indicated that they didn't think the behavior was cheating if their partner did it with
someone else, while a score of 100 indicated that they definitely thought it would be cheating.
What you'll find is that there is no direct "definition" of cheating, with the possible exception of
sex. It's on a sliding scale, with some people believing some behaviors are more damaging than
others.
Here are the behaviors and their rating:
1.

Penile-vaginal intercourse97.7

2.

Oral sex96.8

3.

Taking a shower together96.2

4.

Kissing on the lips88.7

5.

E-mailing pictures of themselves naked88.2

6.

Texting erotic messages82.6

7.

Watching a pornographic movie together75.1

8.

Sleeping in the same bed68.4

9.

Holding hands63.2

10.

Staying in the same hotel room52.7

11.

Forming a deep emotional bond52.4

12.

Spending lots of time together52.2

13.

Sitting in the other person's lap52.2

14.

Accompanying to a formal event43.3

15.

Going out to dinner41.4

16.

Talking on the phone several times a week40.1

17.

Giving $500 to the other person37.6

18.

Kissing on the cheek36.9

19.

Sharing secrets36.5

20.

Supporting the other person financially35.8

21.

Hugging for more than 10 seconds34.5

22.

Calling when upset about their relationship partner33.0

23.

Taking a road trip out of the state32.6

24.

Telling dirty jokes25.9

25.

Calling when upset about work19.2

26.

Hugging briefly (less than 10 seconds)12.2

27.

Giving $5 to the other person8.1

Other Behaviors That Many Consider to Be Cheating

Here are some other behaviors, beyond those discussed in the Michigan study, that cause
people to accuse others of cheating:

Friends with benefits (where a person insists his or her sex partner is just a friend)

Touching and grabbing inappropriate areas

Hiring escorts or prostitutes (for sexual needs, company, or dinner dates)

Buying gifts, paying bills, or going to dinner with someone other than your partner

Texting in the wee hours

Sexting

Going on a date with someone other than your partner

Going to internet chat rooms with the intention of exchanging phone numbers or to meet
up

Meeting up with your exs

Phone sex with someone other than your partner

Watching or buying porn

Clubbing e.g. bumping and grinding with someone other than your partner

Exchanging phone numbers with someone other than your partner

Flirting and teasing with someone else

What Does All This Mean?

There are many different things that can be considered cheating, some of which you may not
have thought about.
In general, most people consider sex and other intimate physical contact to be cheating. Other
friendly acts, like lap-sitting or going to dinner together, may or may not be called cheating
depending on who is talking.

How Anxiety or Anti-Attachment Issues Can Affect Cheating

As you can see from the above information, there is a wide range of behaviors that are
somewhere in between cheating and not-cheating, like spending lots of time with another person,
or forming a deep emotional bond with someone other than your partner.

How a person views something their partner does depends on where they are at emotionally. If
they are feeling anxious or insecure in the relationship, they're more likely to view what their
partner does as a sign of cheating.
On the other hand, if a person does not want to be in a monogamous or committed relationship,
he or she is less likely to consider even oral or vaginal sex as cheating.

How Men and Women Differ on What They Consider Cheating

According to a 2014 survey by Victoria Milan, an online dating site for people who are in
relationships, there are some clear distinctions between how men and women view cheating.
Here's what they discovered:

72 percent of men said sexual affairs were worse than emotional affairs.

69 percent of women said emotional affairs were worse than sexual affairs.

76 percent of women would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair

Only 35 percent of men would forgive their partner for a strictly sexual affair.

80 percent of men said they would forgive an emotional affair.

Only 30 percent of women would forgive an emotional affair.

Women Care More About Emotional Cheating

In general, women are more likely to define actions as cheating that indicate emotional
attachment with another person.
Holding hands also falls in this category, because it's something that a couple would do, as
opposed to a pair just hooking up.
In general, women would be more forgiving of physical cheating, so long as the man was not in
love with the other person.

Men Care More About Physical Cheating

Men tend to be more sensitive to physical cheating and are less likely to forgive their partner for
having sex with another person.
At the same time, they are less likely to view some of the more emotional behaviors as
problematic, like spending lots of time with another person.

Why Men and Women Cheat on Their Partners

Many articles from different sources, including AshleyMadison.com and VictoriaMilan.com (dating
websites that are exclusive to cheating spouses), say men and women both cheat for similar
reasons: they crave affection.
In his book The Truth About Cheating, marriage counsellor M. Gary Neuman found that 92% of
men said that cheating wasn't about sex. The reasons men cheated on their spouses were often
emotional, such as feeling disconnected from or under-appreciated by their spouse.
Most people think that people cheat because the sex has gone bad in a relationship or because
they have fallen out of love with their partner but the majority (not all) of the participants in the
surveys on these sites reported that they still loved their partner but didn't feel cared for.

How to Know If You're Cheating

The only way to be certain about what you and your partner consider cheating is to have an
honest and thorough discussion about it, ideally before it becomes a problem.
What kinds of behaviors and relationships are okay? Is it okay to sext someone else? What
about watching porn with them, even if you don't touch? Is it okay to go to strip clubs or to have
long phone conversations with another person at night?
The more open and honest you are, the better chance your relationship has of surviving.

What To Do If You've Cheated

Maybe you're not certain if what you did was cheating. Even if that's the case, the fact you're
looking up articles about it means that there is some kind of guilt going on.
It could be time to come clean.
This is the chance for you to open up to your partner and trust that they love you enough to work
through this with you, no matter what it is.
In another study on married couples from UCLA and the University of Washington, couples who
cheated and then told their spouse were more likely to remain married than couples who didn't.
After five years, the couples that had been "unfaithful" were just as happy as couples that hadn't.
Cheating doesn't have to be the end of a relationship and it's certainly not the end of the world,
but it's up to you to do something about the situation. Everyone makes mistakes; it's what you do
about them that makes you a better person.
That said, another study showed that 55% of people never told their partner about their infidelity.
If you do keep quiet, you're not alone.

What to Do if You Think Your Partner Is Cheating on You

Maybe your partner has been acting suspicious or doing things that you consider cheating. If you
think they might be cheating on you, now is the time to have a conversation about your concerns.
Anxiety will only continue to build if you don't talk with your partner about how you're feeling.
It's possible that your partner doesn't know that what they're doing is hurting you. And just
because someone cheats does not mean they don't love you or want to stay in a relationship
with you.
Be honest and brave, and have a conversation with them.
Women and men can experience their lowest moments in life when they find out they've been
cheated, but until you talk to your partner about it, you'll never know what could have been.
If you are in an abusive relationship or one where this seems to be a recurring problem, it could
be time to get professional help and think about how to get out of it. No one deserves to be hurt
or feel unloved in a relationship.

Why do Men cheat in Relationships

Cheating Men and Relationships
Like it or not men cheat. The percentage of men unfaithful to their wives is many folds than wives
cheating on husbands. Whatever the case is men are less forgiving of their wife cheating than
wives are about their cheating husbands. Overall, only about a third of marriages survive affairs
as it is hard to forgive, redevelop trust and make the marriage more intimate and satisfying.
Reasons for cheating in Men are more physical whereas for woman it is more on the emotional
side. Many women mistakenly believe the mistress must be more attractive than she which is not
true in majority of cases. Given below are some reasons why Men may cheat on their women.

Why do Men cheat on their Women? Reasons for Infidelity

Men may cheat on their women because of the following reasons:

Sex: Sex is the most important reason to why men cheat on their spouses. It is possible
for a man to have sex with a woman without having any emotional attachment to her
whereas it is not very easy for a woman to do so. It is also said that men only need a place
to have an affair whereas a woman needs a reason. Even if the man have a loving spouse
who takes take of his every need physically a man may cheat on his wife if he gets an
opportunity to do so. Moreover, the thought of sex can get majority of men excited so they
may not leave the chance of getting another women to bed.

Unhappy Marriage : An unhappy marriage may prompt many men to go for an

affair.Many times men go behind other woman when they do not get all what they expect
from their wives than putting on any effort to salvage the marriage. Rather than analyzing

what went wrong in the relationship and making a commitment to work on it majority of men
prefer to go for temporary quick fixes. Many times lack of communication in marriage leads
a man to run into the arms of another woman than try solving the problem.

Fragile Ego : Men have very fragile egos. When men are complimented by women other
than their wives it is only natural for men to expect having a fling with the lady. Many Men
cheat on their spouses to prove to themselves that they are still attractive to the opposite
sex.

Seeking Variety with No Commitment : Majority of men like variety when it comes to
woman. The more the merrier is the outlook of majority of men who cheat on their spouses.
If they find woman with whom they need not commit they jump into such relationships
looking for some fun. No matter how good or faithful the spouse is many men tend to think
that having one woman is not enough.

To Fill the Void : Sometimes men may want more than what his spouse offers him on
bed like kinkier sex, group sex, talking dirty or submissive sex for which he seeks another
partner or partners to fulfil his needs more willingly than communicating to his wife. Men
tend to be motivated by sex including new sex, forbidden sex, more sex and different sex.

Family Background: The child of an adulterer is most likely to follow the footstep of his
parent.

Superiority Complex: Many men think they are superior to Woman and get away by
doing anything they please including breaking the sacred marriage vows he took at the time
of marriage and not caring about the feelings of his spouse. Majority of men are selfish and
they try to get what they want and it does not matter who they hurt while doing so.

One thing Men must understand is that they are going to get caught at one point or the other.
May be it may be the scent of another perfume, some fallen hairs, lipstick marks or different
behaviour than normal because women are smart, no offense meant. Many men have lost their
money, property, health and wealth by opting for relationships outside marriage. But that still
does not prevent them from doing it again. After all, Men are men!