Expressing Empathy

To establish trust and rapport, to resolve ambivalence, to evoke The Golden Sigh, and to invite new
possibilities, evocative coaches may seek to express empathy using the Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
model developed by Marshall Rosenberg and the Center for Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org).
The NVC model distinguishes between observations and evaluations, feelings and thoughts, needs and
strategies, as well as requests and demands. The lists on the following pages can assist coaches to gain
facility with using these distinctions in our communications with teachers. The Choice Points diagram, below,
illustrates two key opportunities to use these distinctions in coaching as well as in life.

NVC Distinctions

The Choice Points diagram is inspired by Gregg Kendrick http://www.basileia.org

Copyright 2012 Center for School Transformation www.SchoolTransformation.com All Rights Reserved

Feeling Words
WHEN NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET
Hostile
Animosity, Antagonistic, Appalled, Aversion, Cold, Contempt,
Disgusted, Dislike, Distain, Hate, Horrified, Repulsed, Scorn,
Surly, Vengeful, Vindictive

Angry
Enraged, Furious, Incensed, Indignant, Irate, Livid, Mad,
Outraged, Resentful, Ticked off

WHEN NEEDS ARE BEING MET

Exhilarated
Ecstatic, Elated, Enthralled, Exuberant, Giddy,
Silly, Slap-happy

Excited
Alive, Amazed, Animated, Eager, Energetic,
Enthusiastic, Invigorated, Lively, Passionate

Annoyed

Inspired

Aggravated, Bitter, Cranky, Cross, Dismayed, Disgruntled,

Displeased, Exasperated, Frustrated, Grouchy, Impatient, Irked,
Irritated, Miffed, Peeved, Resentful, Sullen, Uptight

Amazed, Astonished, Awed, Dazzled, Radiant,

Rapturous, Surprised, Thrilled, Uplifted,
Wonder

Upset
Agitated, Alarmed, Discombobulated, Disconcerted, Disturbed,
Disquieted, Perturbed, Rattled, Restless, Troubled, Turbulent,
Turmoil, Uncomfortable, Uneasy, Unnerved, Unsettled

Tense
Antsy, Anxious, Bitter, Distressed, Distraught, Edgy, Fidgety,
Frazzled, Irritable, Jittery, Nervous, Overwhelmed, Pressured,
Restless, Stressed out, Uneasy

Afraid
Apprehensive, Concerned, Dread, Fearful, Foreboding,
Frightened, Hesitant, Mistrustful, Panicked, Petrified, Scared,
Suspicious, Terrified, Timid, Trepidation, Unnerved, Wary,
Worried, Reserved, Sensitive, Shaky, Unsteady

Vulnerable
Cautious, Fragile, Guarded , Helpless, Insecure, Helpless, Leery,
Reluctant

Confused
Ambivalent, Baffled, Bewildered, Dazed, Flustered, Hesitant,
Lost, Mystified, Perplexed, Puzzled, Skeptical, Torn

Embarrassed
Ashamed, Chagrined, Contrite, Guilty, Disgraced, Humiliated,
Mortified, Remorse, Regretful, Self-conscious

Longing
Envious, Jealous, Nostalgic, Pining, Wistful, Yearning

Tired
Beat, Burned out, Depleted, Exhausted, Fatigued, Lethargic,
Listless, Sleepy, Weary, Worn out

Disconnected
Alienated, Aloof, Apathetic, Bored, Cold, Detached, Disengaged,
Disinterested, Distant, Distracted, Indifferent, Lethargic, Listless,
Lonely, Numb, Removed, Uninterested, Withdrawn

Sad
Blue, Depressed, Dejected, Despair, Despondent, Disappointed,
Discouraged, Disheartened, Downcast, Downhearted, Forlorn,
Gloomy, Grief, Heavy hearted, Hopeless, Melancholy, Sorrow,
Unhappy

Shocked
Appalled, Disbelief, Dismay, Horrified, Mystified, Startled,
Surprised

Pain
Agony, Anguished, Bereaved, Devastated, Heartbroken, Hurt,
Miserable, Wretched

Joyful
Amused, Buoyant, Delighted, Elated, Ecstatic,
Glad, Gleeful, Happy, Jubilant, Merry, Mirthful,
Overjoyed, Pleased, Radiant, Tickled

Relaxed
At ease, Carefree, Comfortable, Open

Curious
Adventurous, Alert, Interested, Intrigued,
Inquisitive, Fascinated, Spellbound, Stimulated

Confident
Empowered, Proud, Safe, Secure, Selfassured

Engaged
Absorbed, Alert, Ardent, Curious, Engrossed,
Enchanted, Entranced , Involved

Hopeful
Expectant, Encouraged, Optimistic

Grateful
Appreciative, Moved, Thankful, Touched

Refreshed
Enlivened, Rejuvenated, Renewed, Rested,
Restored, Revived, Energetic

Affectionate
Closeness, Compassionate, Friendly, Loving,
Openhearted, Sympathetic, Tender, Trusting,
Warm

Peaceful
Blissful, Calm, Centered, Clear headed,
Mellow, Quiet, Serene, Tranquil

Relieved
Complacent, Composed, Cool, Trusting

Content
Glad, Cheerful, Fulfilled, Satisfied

Copyright 2012 Center for School Transformation www.SchoolTransformation.com All Rights Reserved

The Wheel of Needs

Universal Human Needs

Adventure
Exploration
Discovery, Play
Novelty, Learning
Courage, Risk
Consumption

Presence
Meaning
Purpose
Beauty
Order
Creativity
Wonder
Individuality
Wholeness
Flow

Sleep
Relaxation
Play, Leisure
Ease, Gratitude
Humor, Celebration
Mourning
Balance
Respect
Understanding
Acceptance
Benevolence
Connection
Support, Love

Choice, Control
Freedom
Self-Efficacy
Power, Space
Independence
Competition

Belonging, Support
To Matter, To Be Heard
Acknowledgment
Appreciation
Interdependence
Cooperation

Authenticity
Integrity
Clarity
Openness
Congruence
Self-Expression
Competence
Contribution
Responsibility
Exercise
Productivity
Reliability

Food, Water
Air, Shelter,
Health, Healing
Sensory Stimulation

Order, Security
Justice, Fairness
Consideration
Protection
Familiarity
Conservation

Inspired by the work of Jim & Jori Manske (2005) http://radicalcompassion.com,

Marshall Rosenberg (2005) http://www.cnvc.org, and Manfred Max-Neef (1992), Chilean economist
Copyright 2012 Center for School Transformation www.SchoolTransformation.com All Rights Reserved

Reframing Causal Attributions

Causal
Attributions

Possible
Primary Feelings

Possible
Underlying Needs

Attacked

Scared, Angry

Safety, Respect

Belittled

Indignant, Distressed, Tense,

Embarrassed, Outraged

Respect, Autonomy, To Be Seen,

Acknowledgement, Appreciation

Blamed

Angry, Scared, Antagonistic,

Bewildered, Hurt

Fairness, Justice, Understanding

Betrayed

Stunned, Outraged, Hurt,

Disappointed

Trust, Dependability, Honesty, Commitment,

Clarity

Boxed In

Frustrated, Scared, Anxious

Autonomy, Choice, Freedom, Self-Efficacy

Coerced

Angry, Frustrated, Scared, Anxious,

Autonomy, Choice, Freedom, Self-Efficacy

Criticized

Humiliated, Irritated, Scared, Anxious, Understanding, Acknowledgement,

Embarrassed
Recognition

Disrespected

Furious, Hurt, Embarrassed,

Frustrated

Respect, Trust, Acknowledgement

Distrusted

Hurt, Sad, Frustrated

Honesty, Authenticity, Integrity, Trust,

Harassed

Angry, Aggravated, Pressured,

Frightened, Exasperated

Respect, Consideration, Ease,

Hassled

Irritated, Irked, Distressed, Frustrated Autonomy, Ease, Calm, Space

Insulted

Angry, Embarrassed, Incensed

Respect, Consideration, Acknowledgement,

Recognition

Interrupted

Irritated, Hurt, Resentful

Respect, Consideration, To Be Heard

Intimidated

Frightened, Scared, Vulnerable

Safety, Power, Self-Efficacy, Independence

Left Out

Sad, Lonely, Anxious

Belonging, Community, Connection, To Be

Seen

Manipulated

Resentful, Vulnerable, Sad, Angry

Autonomy, Consideration, Choice, Power

Misunderstood

Upset, Dismayed, Frustrated

Understanding, To Be Heard, Clarity

Overworked

Angry, Tired, Frustrated, Resentful

Respect, Consideration, Rest, Caring, Ease

Pressured

Overwhelmed, Anxious, Resentful

Relaxation, Ease, Clarity, Space,

Consideration

Rejected

Hurt, Scared, Angry, Defiant

Belonging, Connection, Acknowledgment

Taken Advantage Angry, Powerless, Frustrated

Of

Autonomy, Power, Trust, Choice,

Connection, Acknowledgment

Taken For
Granted

Hurt, Disappointed, Angry

Appreciation, Acknowledgement,
Recognition, Consideration

Tricked

Indignant, Embarrassed, Furious

Integrity, Honesty, Trust

Unappreciated

Sad, Hurt, Frustrated, Irritated

Appreciation, Respect, Acknowledgement

Unsupported

Sad, Hurt, Resentful

Support, Understanding

Violated

Outraged, Agitated, Anxious, Sad

Safety, Trust, Space, Respect

Copyright 2012 Center for School Transformation www.SchoolTransformation.com All Rights Reserved

Communication Patterns That Interfere With Connection

Dont just do something, sit there!

Advising: "I think you should..." "How come you didn't...?"

Blaming: You should have known better; look at the mess youve made.
Commiserating: "Oh, you poor thing."
Comparing: If you were just more like
Consoling: "You poor thing; you did the best you could."
Correcting: "That's not how it happened."
Demanding: You mustyou have toyou need to
Denying: You really had no choice. You really leave me no choice.
Diagnosing: It sounds like you have ADD. Hes really a stupid idiot.
Educating: "This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just..."
Explaining: "I would have called but..."
Incentivizing: If you do this, you will get rewarded (or punished).
Interrogating: "When did this begin?"
Judging: Thats a bad thing for you to do.
One-Upping: "That's nothing; wait till you hear what happened to me."
Shutting down: "Cheer up. Get over it. Its time to move on."
Story-telling: "That reminds me of the time..."
Victimizing: Its not your fault; theres nothing else you could have done.

Adapted From Communication Basics: An Overview of Nonviolent Communication by Rachelle Lamb (2002)

Copyright 2012 Center for School Transformation www.SchoolTransformation.com All Rights Reserved