uw ASSERTIVE YOU STANLEE PHELPS & WANCY AUSTIN ® JAICO PUBLISHING HOUSE Mumbai Delhi Bangalore Kolkata Hyderabad Chennai Ahmedabad BhopalPreface Real assertiveness doesn’t happen overnight. Assertiveness is the the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open and honest communication which is self-enhancing and expressive. Assertiveness does not come from a textbook, seminar, or self-help book: real assertiveness is born within. That’s not to say, “You either have it or you don’t.” Rather, “If you want it, it must start with you.” Many never understood the meaning of assertiveness in the first place: they believed, and still do, that it is just a slick cover-up for aggression. Some think that assertiveness is just a milder, ‘nicer’ form of aggressiveness. Yet the two are entirely distinct sets of behaviors with different objectives and motivations. A good look in the mirror is the first step toward assertiveness. Deepen your understanding of what triggers the appearance. Consider your important relationships: spouse, partner, co-worker, room-mate, boss, children, parents. Who has the upper hand, and when? How do you resolve conflicts? Are you quick to anger, or do you stand by, afraid to make wave: As always, be aware of your body’s image as well as what's on your mind.Becoming An Assertive Person One's philosophy is not best expressed in words, it is expressed in the choices one makes... In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility. —Eleanor Roosevelt Developing a healthily assertive attitude can transform every aspect of our lives; our work, our relationships, our appearance, the way we shop, the way we feed and clothe ourselves, the way we organise our j finances, the way we spend our leisure time — indeed, taking time out | for leisure in the first place is an assertive act. Being able to express 4 feelings constructively and be open with others — and ourselves — about our needs, maximises our chances of getting what we want in all these areas. This in turn increases our confidence and our self-esteem, | ‘ which enables us to become more assertive and so on. Figure 1, the assertiveness cycle, illustrates this cumulative effect; a case of success breeds success. Living assertively can also benefit our health. Reduction of stress levels makes more energy available to us and has a beneficial effect on all system of the body, including the immune system. As you begin to behave more assertively, you may find that you are working against old, non-assertive behavior patterns that you learned years, before. Applying some basic learning principles will help you to develop and maintain assertive behaviors as you combat old behavior patterns. Social behaviors are learned and practiced over time. Lets see some of these: Attitudes Knowing how you feel about yourself is the first step toward learning assertive behaviors. From childhood you may have developed attitudes. Some possibilities are: e Iam helpless when it comes to taking action that promotes change.———————— I don’t like risk-taking; it scares me. « I'd rather let somebody else be the leader. ’'m a good follower. « What other people think is more important than what I think. Its better to put up with things than rock the boat. ¢ If I ask for what I want people will think I’m selfish. It’s better to be liked than speak up and be seen as a troublemaker. Your thoughts and attitudes alone can perpetuate non-assertive behavior. Perhaps you have avoided acting independently and assertively because of the anxiety or fear involved in’ changing your behavior. Behaviors Learning new behaviors involves at least these four steps: 1. Description or modeling of the behavior; 2. Practicing the new behavior; 3. Reinforcing the desired behavior; and 4, Receiving accurate, rapid feedback. As you learn assertive behaviors, an awareness of their causes (antecedents) and their results (consequences) is also important. Knowing what causes or stimulates your behavior and being aware of how your behavior affects you and others are both important steps in learning new behaviors. Your behavior also has consequences; it affects other people. Recognizing the consequences of your behavior is an important element in learning assertive behaviors. Assertive behavior is likely to have positive consequences. When you assert yourself, you will feel more in control of your life and less helpless and frustrated. e Consider your thoughts and attitudes about being assertive, which ones encourage and support an assertive image of yourself? * Are you avoiding assertion because you fear disastrous consequences? * Be aware of the situations and people that have influenced you to be passive in the past, and use them as reminders to be assertive in the future. 6Practice new behaviors that result in positive consequences. Stay away from people who punish your attempts to be assertive. Seek out people who reward your assertive attempts with positive feedback. e Look at becoming assertive as a positive experience, instead of a negative problem-solving venture. Remember, learning to be assertive can be fun! Assertiveness: « is very different from aggression * is strongly associated with a sense of self-worth * can benefit every aspect of our lives, including our health. ASSERTIVENSSS GETTING WHAT / CONFIDENCE ! _ YOU WANT HIGH SELF-ESTEEM Fig. 1 The assertiveness cycleThe Inner Game of Assertiveness In the 1970s, world-class athletes discovered how to use visualization and imagery training to increase their levels of peak performance. They learnt to relax instead of tensing up before a game or even, to stop labeling themselves as stupid or weak, and to actually see themselves winning, To activate inner wisdom during times of pain or pressure, you must slow down. Take time to be alone, take a walk, meditate, listen to calming music and breathe deeply and slowly. You may even practice deep muscle relaxation. Saying yes or a nervous nod will help you find inner wisdom such as: « Am I willing to listen to my heart, follow my passion, activate my inner wisdom even if it means giving up what is secure and familiar? * Am I willing to lose the approval of others and risk rejection if it means being true to myself and my self-respect? * Am I willing to give up my addiction to what I think I should feel, do, or have, in exchange for being who I am? + Am I willing to go through any awkwardness and make mistakes as I’m learning to tune into my inner self? « Am I willing to choose assertions out of the spirit within me, rather than choosing assertions that appear “right” or “perfect?” « Am I willing and ready to trust myself? Do I believe that I’m worth it? Asserting different patterns in attitudes (a) Doormat, (b) Indirect, (c) Aggressive, (d) Assertive eg: You have been telephoned by a solicitor who is trying to sell you a magazine subscription. You say you aren’t interested in receiving the magazine and end the conversation. Do you think to yourself: Doormat type: \ really didn’t want the magazine, but wasn’t I impolite and irritable to say so? The next time I’m asked to subscribe, I’ll be mote polite and do it.” . _ Indirect pe: Well, 1 certainly was easy on him! I should have said yes, q eeeand then refused to pay the subscription to teach them a lesson about bothering me.” Aggressive type: 1 wish V'd given that solicitor a piece of my mind! What an insolent person! The next time that happens I won’t be so mild- mannered and meek.” Assertive type: | was really assertive with that solicitor. I feel good about being honest and direct.” —_—————————— TIME “To LOOK AT THIS AGHERTWENESS THINGa ——. Obstacles on the Inner Journey Dear Stanlee and Nancy, Tre dressed for success, had my colors done, new make-up, hairstyle — in short, a complete overhaul. Ive eliminated sissy words from my vocabulary and replaced them with power phrases. I've attended seminars, absorbed the latest books on self- improvement, joined the right organizations and professional groups, lived through divorce and am financially independent. I seem to have done it all and have it all. But, with accomplishing this and more, why do I still doubt myself? What does it take to honestly believe I'm an assertive person in my guts? —Forty-one years old, marketing vice president of a large corporation As you grow in assertiveness, you'll find that your inner process will give you the sensitivity and clarity you need to be an assertive. The following commandments are helpful in steering clear of the barriers to our inner journey. ¢ Create quiet time. Risk vulnerability. Open to inner wisdom. Trust answers from within. Learn to laugh at Ms. Protecto. Let go of emotional addictions. Look for and develop self-approval. Live without negative self labels. Focus on being — not doing and having, ¢ Be responsible for creating choices. Six techniques for assertive communication There are six assertive techniques — let’s look at each of them in turn. 1, Behaviour Rehearsal: which is literally practising how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful technique when you first want to use “I” statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behaviour you wish to confront. 102. Repeated Assertion (the ‘broken record’): this technique allows you to feel comfortable by traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to ‘hype yourself up’ to deal with others. Example: “T would like to show you some of our products” “No thank you, I'm not interested” “I really have a great range to offer you” “That may be true, but I'm not interested at the moment” “Ts there someone else here who would be interested?” “I don't want any of these products” “Okay, would you take this brochure and think about it?” “Yes, I will take a brochure” “Thank you” “You're welcome” ignoring manipulative verbal side 3. Fogging: this technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism. To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this could be, “I agree that there are probably times when I don’t give you answers to your questions. 4. Negative enquiry: this technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use it effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, “So you think/believe that I am not interested?” 5. Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviour or personality withoutLT feeling defensive or anxious, this also reduces your critics’ hostility. You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologise. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities. An example would be, “Yes, you're right. I don’t always listen closely to what you have to say.” 6. Workable compromise: when you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of this technique would be, “I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I’m doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?” 7 Conclusion Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. It’s application is contextual and it’s not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. 1 Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others. 7 I THOUGHT 2'D REPLAY SOME FAMILY DRAMAS!Empowering Yourself to be Assertive The Tools of Power for Assertiveness Your mind is one of the most powerful forces on earth. It can be your strongest ally or your worst enemy. How often have you imagined failure and fulfilled that negative expectation? What would happen if you put as much creativity and emotional energy into picturing success? Here is a set of tools to enhance the part your mind plays in becoming assertive. Imaging. This process couples visualization — creating images in your mind as if what you imagine is already happening — with the emotional desire to make it happen. If your image has been chosen from your inner wisdom while you're in a relaxed frame of mind, it can become real in your life quickly and solidly. To become an assertive create a vivid picture in your mind of how you would /ook, think, and feel as an assertive person. Create the assertive you that you want. Concentrate on this image in moments of relaxation. The more detailed your goal, the better and faster it can be achieved. Meditation and Relaxation. There are many forms of meditation and relaxation, from a simple walk on the beach or bubble bath to’ the discipline Transcendental or Zen meditation, Tai Chi Ch’uan (a moving meditation, a way of learning to center and balance one’s energies), and deep muscle relaxation. These approaches work to free the body and mind from stress while expanding the capacity to freely contemplate, feel joy, create. In each case, you remain awake and peaceful. The point is not to relax to the point of indifference, but to become fully open and alert to new possibilities. Once in a meditative or relaxed state, empower yourself to work on a particular goal in becoming more assertive. Affirming. Affirming can keep you from ruling your inner self and causing you to act non-assertively or aggressively. Affirming is a way to be assertive with yourself. It is a creative, conscious process that enables you to express yourself more fully and confidently. An affirmation is a spoken and written declaration of something you want, phrased as 13,were already happening, It is important to phrase your affirmations in a positive, proactive way. However don’t pressure yourself for instant results. Affirmations for an assertive person. « Lam becoming an assertive from inside out « Iam dissolving the barriers to my self-expression. ¢ I feel more powerful. * I communicate more clearly and effectively. e I handle confrontations with greater ease. [express my enthusiasm and joy more freely and fully. « Iam becoming stronger and more courageous. « Iam more and more pleased with who I am. * Tam taking charge of my life. * I-can create love, success and happiness for myself. Music. A powerful way to communicate with our innerselves. Music reaches us at such a deep level that at times it almost seems possible to feel it rearranging our molecules! It is definitely felt in the body as it is perceived in the mind. Movies use strong musical sound tracks to amplify the action. Treasure Maps. Perhaps the most playful tool is the treasure map. A visual tool that makes it easier for you to picture what you want, a treasure map is a more concrete way of telling your inner self what it needs to do to achieve your goals. A colorful drawing or collage that represents what you want can include all the things necessary to achieve your goal — much like scale drawings and models help architects and builders get the job done. Power Grabbers ‘The assertive person knows that the best way to protect his or her rights is to use them. Becoming comfortable with power and enjoying a feeling of competence will take some practice. The Need for Approval. Working for approval limits your autonomy because you voluntarily concede your power to someone else. An assertive person, stands up for what he/she believes, and makes decisions independently. 14“Pm Sorry, But...” Many people find themselves struggling against years of apology. The phrase “I’m sorry, but...” is a common refrain. There are, of course, legitimate and appropriate times for an apology. The legitimate apology conveys understanding and appreciation of another person’s feelings, such as “I’m very sorry I was late; I must have kept you waiting for an hour.” The next time you find yourself apologizing, ask yourself what you are apologizing for: Was the apology legitimate and appropriate? Did you feel compelled to apologize? Did you apologize for something even though you had nothing to be sorry about? Getting Your Questions Answered Have you ever asked an important question, only to be sidetracked when someone else changes the subject to avoid answering you? If so, you probably felt frustrated and confused. The following outline will help you to exercise some control: 1. Start with a brief, specific question. 2. Picture yourself asking this question of a person you feel comfortable with. 3. Put step (2) into action, and ask a friend your question. Instruct your friend to try to avoid answering by every means possible until he/ she feels she has run out of excuses and evasions. 4. If you don’t receive an appropriate answer, precede your question with “I will repeat the question.” 5. If your friend responds with a feeling instead of an answer to your question, acknowledge the feeling, but continue to repeat your question. 6. When a direct answer is given, acknowledge the answer with a “Thank you for telling me”. 7. If your friend makes insulting or other negative remarks, you may follow your acknowledgement by telling the person how you feel about these remarks. You can do this assertively, without punishing your friend for not answering you honestly. 15The Expression of Assertion I had a real test of my onm assertiveness. I had gotten a quote from the printer on the cost of new brochures. When it came time to order; however; the price was double the original quotation. 1 believe the first thing I did was break out in a sweat! Afier I had given him my side of it, he insisted that the second price had to stand. I suddenly had a flash which said — silence will solve this. So I sat tight, he squirmed, I got the original price. Reckless Assertion: Here’s a list of significant behaviors and ways of getting things done that might indicate recklessness. ¢ You always take the lead in your relationships with others. ¢ Friends are telling you that you're defensive or argumentative. « It’s more important that you get what you want in the end than it is to go along with what others want. + To describe you as a “fist in a velvet glove” would be about right. * You crave being the center of attention. e Because of assertiveness with different people, don’t seem to want to see as much of you as before. * People tell you that you are incredibly singleminded. * You find it extremely difficult to apologize. « Winning isn’t everything: it’s the only thing, « You resent others’ good fortune. * You feel that you do not get the recognition you deserve in life. * You believe that if you don’t look out for your own interests, nobody else will. + People tell you that you have a forceful personality. * You are not as flexible as some other people you know. + You cannot tell when your assertiveness wears thin with some people. e In general, people tend to let you down.You’re Worth it! Nobody can make yon feel inferior without your consent. —Eleanor Roosevelt Imagine for a moment that you have been asked to give a brief talk on “Calculating My Confidence: Knowing ’'m Worth It.” You accept the invitation. Here is what you say: e I am excited about new situations. * I believe what others say about me is their opinion — not my worth. L approve of myself. e I think and choose for myself. * My needs and desires are important enough to make them happen. Tshare my talents and triumphs openly without embarrassment. ¢ Iam free to express my feelings and thoughts. e I don’t measure my worth by comparisons with others. + Laccept my mistakes as useful lessons. « I give myself credit for my efforts aimed at success, whether they succeed or not. [can look in the mitror with a genuine smile and say, “Hey, I really like you. You’re okay in my book.” Becoming confident and assertive takes time. Along the way, of course, there will be failures and disappointments. But here’s a secret: the difference between the glowing success story and the crushing failure isn’t luck, or fate, or intelligence; it’s the ability to bounce back. The poet Veronica A. Shoffstall understood this perfectly, at nineteen, when she wrote “After a While.” Afier a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a souland you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrows’ ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid flight. Afier a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn... 18Compliments, Criticism, and Rejection I have a fear of being disliked, even by people I dislike, —Oprah Winfrey What Gets in the Way: Embarrassment and Fear Even when compliments or praise are genuine and sincere, they make many men (and women) uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable when you give or receive a compliment, review a compliment, review the list below. Which match your own reactions? e I tend to blush when praised and it embarrasses me. « A compliment paves the way for the real point — something unpleasant or critical. © Other people may think I deserve a compliment, but I know better. You can’t kid a kidder. ¢ I don’t like being the center of attention. I never know how to react. * Giving a compliment is simply a request to receive one in return. e Compliments are thinly disguised attempts to conceal the true motives of the complimenter; I don’t trust them. e Saying “thank you” without argument sounds conceited. e I don’t need compliments; I know my own worth. * Compliments make me very nervous. * I can’t live up to a compliment. I'm too shy. » IfT worked up the courage to give someone a compliment and then if he or she laughed at me, I’d die. © Giving compliments is unnecessary; the people I would want to compliment know what they're good at already. Developing Confidence in Compliments Use this checklist to develop your ability to give and receive 19Compliments, Criticism, and Rejection I have a fear of being disliked, even by people I dislike, —Oprah Winfrey What Gets in the Way: Embarrassment and Fear Even when compliments ot praise are genuine and sincere, they make many men (and women) uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable when you give or receive a compliment, review a compliment, review the list below. Which match your own reactions? e I tend to blush when praised and it embarrasses me. « A compliment paves the way for the real point — something unpleasant or critical. © Other people may think I deserve a compliment, but I know better. ‘You can’t kid a kidder. ¢ I don’t like being the center of attention. I never know how to react. e Giving a compliment is simply a request to receive one in return. * Compliments are thinly disguised attempts to conceal the true motives of the complimenter; I don’t trust them. e Saying “thank you” without argument sounds conceited. e I don’t need compliments; I know my own worth. * Compliments make me very nervous. * I can’t live up to a compliment. I'm too shy. » If T worked up the courage to give someone a compliment and then if he or she laughed at me, I’d die. * Giving compliments is unnecessary; the people I would want to compliment know what they're good at already. Developing Confidence in Compliments Use this checklist to develop your ability to give and receive 19a ae compliments. As you master each item, check it off the list. Don’t fall into the Compassion Trap by giving inappropriate compliments or false flattery in an attempt to make someone feel good. Do give sincere compliments as expressions of your appreciation. Do make your compliment specific. Do acknowledge a compliment you receive, either verbally or non- verbally. Don’t feel embarrassed or put down by a genuine compliment. Don’t feel obligated to give a compliment in return for one. Don't use good news as a way to ease into the bad news. Criticism Any inhibition we experience giving and receiving compliments is heightened in giving criticism. Probably the prime fear that keeps many from giving or accepting criticism is the fear of rejection. When your sell f-esteem is low, or the situation is especially sensitive, it doesn’t take too much to paralyze you with anxiety and fear at the moment of delivering or receiving critical remarks. Use our checklist to determine how sensitive you are to criticism. Someone criticizes you about a fault that you cannot deny is yours. You give a friend an honest criticism of what you see as a legitimate problem. Someone criticizes you for an act that you know without a doubt doesn’t apply to you and is ridiculous. Someone has put you down in an indirect way; there may be some truth to the put-down, but it’s basically unfair. Things have not been going your way lately and you are lacking confidence. You're criticized for “being down.” You have just gained the courage to give a friend a valid criticism. Your friend cannot handle this and retaliates by criticizing you with a mixture of valid and invalid complaints. You are feeling very happy and high spirited. Someone not so 20happy is jealous and tries to bring you down by reminding you of things she knows can hurt your feelings. Rejection Everyone wants to avoid being rejected as a person, but you can’t avoid having your ideas or behavior rejected. Use the following checklist to determine in what ways you may fear rejection, Put a check (V) in front of each item that causes you to feel rejected regardless of its truth. Put a plus (+) before each item that you can handle assertively. — Your parents, spouse, or boss tells you that you are stupid and can’t do anything right. — Your lover criticizes your appearance. — A friend says she or he is busy and cannot go with you someplace you wanted to go. — Your child or another's child tells you that you’re mean and that he/ she hates you. — Someone whose intelligence you respect tells you that your latest brainstorm isn’t a good idea. — You're playing a game where sides are chosen by leaders — you're last to be picked. — Ina group, you make an important statement which is ignored. — You have completed a job as well as you can, but you are told to do it over. — You look for physical affection from someone you love who is too busy to give it to you at the moment. — You have asked someone to do a special favor for you, and he/she refuses. — A significant person in your life forgets your birthday or anniversary. — You apply for a job or admission to a certain school or organization, and are turned down. Review the items that cause you to feel anxious and fearful about rejection. If you feel discouraged about the way you answered, the first exercise below will be a good antidote. 21 eet eeeHandling put-downs ‘There are several ways to handle a put-down: ignore it; respond with a direct assertive statement; respond in kind with a rapid-fire, witty retort. Ignore it. This is often the most effective choice. We don’t suggest that you walk off in a huff, working up a head of steam all the while. If you choose this option, it means you literally let the remark pass. Respond with a direct assertive statement. Some put-downs are part of a pattern which must be addressed. Respond in kind with a witty retort. Razor-sharp retorts to some popular put-downs are always a favorite exercise in seminars — try to discover alternatives to freezing up — in real life. Our advice, however, is: handle mith care! The objective is to hold on to your sense of worth, not to attack. If witty retorts aren’t your style, you can always respond to a putdown directly and assertively. Saying “I’m offended by that remark,” or a similar statement of feeling can be just as potent. —_—_—_———— I SAD ASSERTIVE, Not AGGRESSIVE. ISaying “No” The Queen turned crimson with fury, and after glaring at (Alice) for a moment like a wild beast, began screaming, “Off with her bead! Off with —” “Nonsense!” said Alice, and the Queen was silent. —Lewis Carroll Alice in Wonderland Four Ways to Say “No” One of the toughest hurdles to overcome is to decide whether the other person’s request of you is reasonable. Don’t look to the other person to see if the request is reasonable; the simple fact that the request was made means that the person has decided that he/she wants you to comply, regardless. Look inside yourself first: If you hesitate or hedge, or if you feel cornered or trapped, or you notice a tightness or nervousness in your body, it may mean that the request is unreasonable. Sometimes you may be genuinely confused or unsure because you just do not have enough information to know for sure. Next, assert your right to ask for more information. Many of us grew up under the influence of such dicta as “Children should be seen and not heard,” or under religious dogma that could not be challenged. Nevertheless, the first step in asserting yourself when a request is made of you is to make sure you have all the facts. Third, practice saying “no.” Once you understand the request and decide you do not want to do it or buy it, say so firmly and calmly. It is crucial that you give a simple “no,” not a complicated statement filled with excuses, justifications, and rationalizations. A direct explanation is assertive; indirect and misleading excuses are non-assertive and can get you into a lot of trouble by leaving you open for further challenge. Finally, learn to say no without saying “I’m sorry, but...” Saying “’m sorry” weakens your stand.Manipulation Manipulation is directly opposite assertiveness in one key way: accepting responsibility for ones own feelings and decisions is a hallmark , While manipulative, indirect encounters are focussed on of assertivenes avoiding or denying responsibility. One of the splendid things about an assertive person is that he/she tells it to you straight. Counter-Manipulation There are two major counter-manipulation techniques you can use when you feel you are being set up as a victim. By using counter- manipulation, you refuse to be manipulated and you promote assertive communication. The first technique is to respond to what is said, not to what you know is meant. The second technique is getting the manipulator to admit what he/she really wants. There are three parts to the process. Parroting: Repeating back exactly what was said to you. Summarizing: Verifying what was said by summarizing it and asking for acknowledgement. Reflecting: Reading between the lines, as in er ‘you seem angry withHumor — we need more of it! From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, fram 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash. —Sophie Tucker Humor can be used to express love, affection, and caring, and to spotlight your quick wit. It can also be devastating when used as a weapon to wound others where it hurts most. Using humor assertively takes practice. For starters, there is a big difference between its use and abuse. Sarcasm, a form of humor, is a powerful tool that can be particularly hostile, and is best left in the hands of comediennes. If you have been on the receiving end of sarcasm, you probably sensed anger and hostility passing for humor. Healing Humor “Laughter is the best medicine,” as they say at Reader's Digest: humor can be healing, It eases tensions when no other strategy works. It can melt an impossible conflict, bypass an impasse, soothe hurt feelings, and give tise to a sense of well-being, Express Your Humor To express your sense of humor assertively, first embrace the idea that it’s okay to express it. Some would not risk telling anyone else about something he/she thought was funny. Because of their fear of rejection and needs of | approval: “What if they don’t think it’s funny?” One may also feel anxious and guilty about finding humor in a serious situation, and would not joke about it. Others use humor as a vehicle for insults and hostilities, hiding behind humor to attack others. Sometimes using humour to put oneself down, or to bait the compassion trap for others. On the other hand, a regular comedian — overuses humor. Others 25believe that to such a person everything is a joke, and their own interests will not be considered seriously. Lastly the assertive person knows that it’s okay to express one’s sense of humor, and say something funny without feeling unduly anxious or guilty, and without fear of rejection. Knowing that some people will laugh and others won't, but exercising the right to say something one thinks is funny without harming others. Actively funny to you, as long as you aren’t hard on yourself or someone else. expressing your sense of humor means saying whatever is Like any other skill, humor can be cultivated. e Collect funny cartoons and jokes in a “Funny File.” Refer to it frequently. ¢ Post, e-mail, sms funny stories, anecdotes, pictures, even fortunes. * Don’t be afraid to inject a little levity into business presentations. You don’t want to be outrageous, but you can lighten your style enough to keep your audience attentive. * Think of your own experiences, and try recasting them as short anecdotes or amusing stories. You might be surprised to discover that what was mortifying at the time is very funny later. ¢ Come up with your own “code words” that you can use when you feel under pressure and need to step back from a situation. Repeat them whenever you feel a downward, anxiety-driven spiral beginning, or to relieve tension. * Build a video library of your favorite funny films. Do the same with books. ¢ Smile. It sounds trite, but research has shown that if you smile when you don’t really feel like it, your emotions get the message and start to adapt to what’s on your face! Conversely, if you frown, you actually spark the emotions commonly associated with frowning: worry; depression, frustration. * Pick a funny role model and watch how she or he handles problems ot crises. What would Julia Louis-Dreyfus do? How about Candace Bergen? Saturday Night Lives Tina Fey? Lily Tomlin? Jenna Elfman? Bette Midler? 26¢ Every day, find something funny in your own behavior, in a situation, or in another person’s behavior. Describe what tickles your funny bone about this. Share your perception with someone else without trying to be a comedian. Instead focus on expressing the humor in such a way that you are inviting the other person to delight in your perception and laugh with you. Laughter is contagious. It’s also healing, helpful and playful. To respond assertively to something that you find humorous is to laugh, or smile, or chuckle about it. The important thing to remember is to express your humor, honestly and spontaneously, without feeling guilty or anxious about it, and without aggressively taking over every humorous situation. Your sense of humor is part of who you are; expressing it is part of being an assertive person, Smile! ——$—$—$——— IT's HIS WAY OF HANDLE HIS ANGERAssertive Family Relationships Role-Playing with Your Child We believe that the’ best way to teach your children to be assertive is to act assertively yourself, Since you cannot be with your children all the time, you can teach your children to be assertive by giving them specific instructions, and by “role-playing” — rehearsing common life-situations — with them. You can use role-playing with your child successfully to teach assertion. Young children particularly like this approach because it’s like a game. By watching you, your son can see clearly how he could handle a situation. Keep switching roles, and have your child practice a few times more before trying it with a friend. Behavior Contracting Another effective approach to encourage assertive behavior patterns with your children is to write a contract. If both parent and child abide by the terms of the contract, aggressive outbursts and mismanaged communication can be reduced considerably. A contract clearly spells out what is expected of both parties. Also specified is what each party will receive for sticking to the agreement. Some families prefer to have loosely structured, verbal agreements, while others may choose to write down the terms of the contract. Here’s a sample contract: Child Parents Complete homework assignments Allow child to watch TV after homework. Do home chores. Provide allowance. Tell parents where he/she he is Avoid nagging going, and when going, will be back. Do not scatter clothes, possessions Allow child to keep his/her around house. room in any condition he/she wants. A Room is the child’s personal territory. 28An Exercise for Assertive Parents and Children The following exercise will help assertive parents (and those who are developing assertivensss) to help children grow toward becoming mature, assertive adults. King and Queen This exercise works best with a group of children (at least four and at most ten), approximately seven to ten years old. We designed to teach children how to give and receive compliments assertively, one of the first steps in learning to be assertive. ‘The exercise works best with a group of children (at least four and at most ten), approximately seven to ten years old. Designed to teach children how to give and receive compliments assertively, one of the first steps in learning to be assertive. The girls and boys in the group take turns being the King or Queen, sitting on the “throne” (a chair placed in the room.) The other children and the adult group leader sit in front of the King or Queen as “subjects.” The King or Queen calls on subiects individually, and each comes to the throne bearing a “gift” in the form of a sincere compliment for the King or Queen. The children are encouraged to let their imaginations run, and to imagine that the King or Queen is wearing a royal robe, a jeweled crown, and is holding a scepter. As subjects, the children can bow down in front of the throne and present their gifts, saying, for example, “Queen Susie, I have brought you this compliment: you are fun to be with.” The chiidren make eye contact with the King or Queen when they are bestowing their compliments. The King or Queen must acknowledge the compliment in some way, e.g, “Thank you,” I agree with you,” “You have pleased me.” The rest of the subjects and the group leader monitor the sincerity of the compliments by cheering or saying “that’s good,” or by saying “keep trying” or “try again.” The children are encouraged to give personal, rather than superficial, compliments. 28,The Rights of Small People ‘The assertive parents recognize that children are also humans with rights of their own. One should encourage children not only to act independently, but also provide specific guidelines for them. When the assertive person makes a demand or request of the child, he/she explains clearly what is expected and how the child can meet such expectations. In return for the child’s respect for the home in which he/ she lives, the assertive parents also respects the child’s territory. By assertive communication and behavior, the assertive parent avoids the “Aggression” and “Slavery” traps, and avoids passing the “Compassion Trap” on to the child. If you apply the principles and suggestions. If your home has been a constant battlefield, you can look forward to improved communication and, likely, increased peace. There is no simple, foolproof formula for living with children, or with anyone else, but the assertive parent is headed in the right direction. Include children among the people with whom you will behave assertively. If you'll teach them to be assertive as well, you will be giving them something they can rely on all their lives — a sense of personal worth, strength, and independence. Let’s see how assertive you are — Use the following checklist to discover how assertive you allow your children to be, and how assertive you are with them. Each item requires only a “yes” or “no” answer. * Do I demand from my children only what they can realistically complete at one time? « When I make requests of my children, do I provide follow- through help? «In most situations, do my children understand what I expect from 30them? Are my requests specific as to time, place, and other requirements? - When I make requests or demands of my children, do I also specify how the demands can be met? Do I provide my child with some privacy, or do I feel threatened when I am not in direct control (e.g,, talking on the telephone without my knowing to whom he/she is talking)? Do I treat my child as though he/she has personal rights (c.g., ptivacy in his/her own room)? Do I set realistic limits for my child (curfew, TV time, household chores)? Do I encourage my child to handle some situations independently but with my support (helping with homework, letting him/her resolve difficulties with friends)? Do I allow my child to disagree openly with my judgment (allowing him/her to choose his/her own friends)? Do I encourage my child to stand up for his/her rights with others as well as with me? When unable to control my child, do I resort to threats, shouting, or physical punishment? Do I listen to my child’s point of view? Does my view always prevail, or do I also let my child “win” sometimes? Do I over-protect my child (not wanting him/her to be involved in any sports activities for fear of injury)? Do I allow my child to state how he/she feels, without telling him/her how he/she feels? 31After you have completed the checklist, review your responses. Your answers may reflect particular areas that could be handled in a more assertive, less controlling way. An assertive does not need to wait passively for the granting of favours, Healthy assertive attitude puts us in charge of our own destiny — which can be somewhat upsetting to anyone who would like to control it for us. As members of society, we are, on the whole conditioned nat to prize such an attitude other than as an attribute of ‘those in charge’. Not surprisingly, it is seldom taught in school. Thus this little booklet in its small way shows us how to replace unproductive attitudes and behaviours, with a way of being which will improve every aspect of our lives. =} Director