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For Those Who Love The Philosophy of Ambiguity, As Well As The Idiosyncrasies of English

This document contains a collection of ambiguous statements and hypothetical questions intended to amuse those who enjoy philosophical ambiguity and the idiosyncrasies of the English language. It also contains suggestions for maintaining a healthy level of insanity through silly public acts and statements. The purpose seems to be humor and lighthearted fun through intentional confusion and absurdity.

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Antonio Barret
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98 views

For Those Who Love The Philosophy of Ambiguity, As Well As The Idiosyncrasies of English

This document contains a collection of ambiguous statements and hypothetical questions intended to amuse those who enjoy philosophical ambiguity and the idiosyncrasies of the English language. It also contains suggestions for maintaining a healthy level of insanity through silly public acts and statements. The purpose seems to be humor and lighthearted fun through intentional confusion and absurdity.

Uploaded by

Antonio Barret
Copyright
© Attribution Non-Commercial (BY-NC)
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS. 2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR. 3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION. 4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES? 5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE. 6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. 7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS? 8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP? 9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? 10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM? 11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?" 12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT? 13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES? 14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK? 15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED? 17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS? 18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT? 19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES? 20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS? 21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD? 22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? 24 DO INFANTS E NJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY? 25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? 26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO? 27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY? 28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE? 29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT? 30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"? 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM? 32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM? 33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED? 34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1..

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair

Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
get.

Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want

Fries with that. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has

Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you

7.

Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious

face.

8. 9. 10. 11. 12.

Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. Sing Along At The Opera. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their

Party Because You have a headache. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,

Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13

. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going

To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14.

PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE

COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

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