Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

ROADBLOCKS TO HAPPILY EVER AFTER

JOYCE DOLBERG ROWE, M.Ed. LMHC www.thesoulmatecoach.com www.marsvenusboston.com www.joycedolbergrowe,com 800-667-6252

Cover by www.westwindfx.com
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE: 4

Introduction

PAGE: 5

CHAPTER I:

Believe What You See, Cut Your Losses, And Do Not Stay Too Long!

PAGE: 6

CHAPTER II:

Fear, Trust Issues, Lack of Resilience

PAGE: 7

CHAPTER III:

I Dont Want To Give Up My Freedom. I Just Keep Busy

If

PAGE: 8

CHAPTER IV:

Adult Children Of Alcoholics: Struggling In Relationships

PAGE: 9

CHAPTER V:

Friends With Benefits, Family Obligations, & Work

PAGE: 10

CHAPTER VI:

Perfectionism

PAGE: 11

CHAPTER VII:

The Queen of First Dates

PAGE: 12

CHAPTER VIII:

Journal/Workbook

Note from the Author

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

INTRODUCTION There are many reasons for how we view the world the way we do; how we see ourselves, what we think we deserve, and what draws us to make the choices that we make. I hope that by reading this ebook, and completing the workbook in the last chapter, you will have an increased understanding of your own self-destructive patterns. These few case studies and discussions of how we sabotage our successful pursuit are a brief introduction and overview. They are not an exhaustive account. Perhaps you will be motivated to write me with your own unique sabotage story. If you are not in a long-term committed relationship now, but would like to be soon, I hope to help you to see yourself or identify behaviors. I am going to share actual stories of women that perhaps you can relate to in some way. These women have sabotaged their efforts in search of lasting love and commitment, but have made significant progress in overcoming obstacles. The names and other identifying features are changed; the stories are true. In my book, How To Find Your Soulmate, many other secrets to making your dream come true are revealed. My private and group coaching sessions offer additional support. Telephone sessions are flexibly scheduled and prorated. Feel free to email me, I will always respond as quickly as possible: [email protected].

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

CHAPTER I BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE, CUT YOUR LOSSES, AND DO NOT STAY TOO LONG! Debbie is now 31 years old. She had four significant relationships each lasting two to four years. There was a special someone during high school/college years, another one mid to end of college, one after college, and then a boyfriend from her mid to late twenties. At last, she is in love and headed for the altar. She stayed too longexcessively long, in each of these unsatisfying relationships. At first, they were exciting, or fun, or convenient, or full of hope. Initially she was not looking for marriage, but enjoying dating and having a good time. As our goals begin to change, we hope that our love interest will develop along the path to permanence. When it does not, or we realize that we do not share a vision, difficult decisions must be made. Even when we know something is right for us, separation anxiety kicks in, withdrawal symptoms take over, we panic, and go running back where it is safe and less painfulif only for today. A vicious cycle of staying too long ensues. If he makes you cry more than he makes you laugh, do you really think its a go? NOT! If he is unavailable emotionally, physically, or financially, do you really think it could work for the long term? Is he even asking? If he does not want what you want, move along. If his temper scares you more than once, cut your losses. If his emotional baggage does not work with yours, believe what you see. Please do not waste this precious gift of time. Learn your lesson and move on. When I hear people say that, the first few months were great, but then he changed, I want to tell them to believe what they see.

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

CHAPTER II FEAR, TRUST ISSUES, LACK OF RESILIENCE

For some people, the pain of heartbreak is so great, that they never recover. There are those who are simply less able to bounce back emotionally after loss or trauma. These people may have a predisposition for depression, anxiety, or panic. Their fear of opening up to love again is also their fear of emotional pain. Heartbreak is difficult for everyone, but most of us recover and move on. We recognize (albeit sometimes after the fact) that it is the WISH that he was the one, the wish that we had love in our life, that we felt more loveable, and our quest was over, that we are letting go of. We are grieving and mourning the wish, not the reality. It is a true loss, but he is not the only man out there for you. The convent is not your next stop! If this guy does not believe that you are the right one for him, then surely he is not Mr. Right. It never feels good to be rejected. It is easier said than done, to pick yourself back up by your bootstraps, but even more reason to do it. You must not let your fears define your love life. Ellen, now forty years old, has not had a serious relationship since college. She opened her heart then, got seriously hurt, and did not take that risk again for many years. She was not empowered by family style. She was disempowered by her own frightening experience. Ellen had always thought she wanted a child of her own, but she waited too long to get help. Through the process of self-exploration, she was able to identify the origin of her sabotaging patterns. Over the years she had also begun to take medications that helped with her anxiety. No longer afraid to take the necessary risks to bring love into her life, she is now well on her way to fulfillment.
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

CHAPTER III I DONT WANT TO GIVE UP MY FREEDOM. BUSY IF I JUST KEEP

Many women who have had long-term relationships or marriages where their spouses were controlling of their time, energy, spending, or roles and expectations, fear that they will lose their freedom in future relationships. They do not want to replicate the depressing life, walking on eggshells, with the former partner. While it is a difficult loss and an adjustment when that relationship is over, it can also be a huge relief. Her life is now her own, but she is alone to face the responsibilities and joys. Making a choice to get out there and find another man, can be very threatening. Suzanne is sixty years old. She has been divorced for ten years. Her two sons have made lives for themselves a plane ride away. Eight years ago, she joined a dating club, and biking, hiking, and other active organizations. She kept herself so busy, that she actually was able to avoid choosing a partner. She then stopped all looking. Suz was also afraid. Her first husband suffered from addictions and mental health issues she had not been aware of early on. Because of his problems, her marriage had been very confusing. Suzanne also feared that if she got into another relationship, she would relinquish her personal identity. She had been very passive in her married life. Partly blaming herself all of these years for her failed first marriage, she became afraid to trust her judgment of men the second time around. Suzanne finds herself facing retirement alone, and not happy about it. She wants very much to have the emotional and economic support that a loving, committed relationship can bring. She has re-activated her dating club membership, and is in active pursuit. As emotional roadblocks rear their ugly heads, they must be confronted. Again, we cannot let our fears define our lives!

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

CHAPTER IV ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS: STRUGGLING IN RELATIONSHIPS Laura, 29 years old, has been in recovery from alcohol since her adolescence. A schoolteacher, and the child of alcoholic parents, she has avoided relationships because she tends to be overly passive, when she gets involved. She is a pleaser, and does not know how to set limits. She has no clue what is normal. Her boundaries are loose, and they get her in trouble every time. She knows that hooking up with a guy in the program has never worked out for her, yet when a charming, fellow happens to pay attention to her, she is easily swept off her feet. The real problem is that she forgets that she is not making healthy choices and doesnt realize it until she is emotionally addicted to this bad-boy. Ultimately, nothing comes before program for her, and she is clear that there is no place for alcohol or drugs in her life. Her self-esteem starts to plummet, and she abruptly ends the relationships. The result has been chronic heartache. The program has not supplied men of marriage material. This is her sabotage pattern. The only thing that works for her is getting the amount of help she needs to stay on top of things. If you need more support, for heavens sake, get it!

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

CHAPTER V FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, FAMILY OBLIGATIONS, & WORK Sarah is thirty-six and has been happily married for six months. A hard worker, and devoted sister and daughter, she had taken on the lions share of the family responsibilities after the death of a parent. So committed, she managed to avoid paying attention to her own personal goals for marriage and children. She is a caretaker par excellence. Like many women, her life was focused on the needs of others. She had to work through deep guilt as she pulled away from family obligations just enough to focus on herself. Another roadblock was that Sarah had been hanging out with an old friend who was not in love with her. The two had a mutually satisfying, if uncommitted relationship. Today, we call this, friends with benefits. The arrangement temporarily met her needs for male attention and companionship, but it eliminated her drive to seek an appropriate partner. That relationship had to end before another could begin. She has since met a wonderful man and is enjoying married life.

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

CHAPTER VI PERFECTIONISM Julie is a perfectionist. She knows exactly what she wants. She wants what she wants, and she expects nothing less. She assumes that Mr. Right will know exactly what to do and hell do it most of the time. Remember that good husbands are created with love and positive reinforcementand even then, they will not be good everyday. Neither will we. When Julie hits a speed bump, shes done. She wants perpetual bliss. She said, I ask him for things and he doesnt do them. When I told her, this is life with the opposite sex, she explained,Im not going to settle! Julie does not fall in love easily, and is quite unforgiving. This is a difficult form of sabotage to overcome. It does require persistent effort.

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

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Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

CHAPTER VII THE QUEEN OF FIRST DATES

Jesse eliminated contenders even more quickly. She was queen of first dates, and generally found herself turned off after each one. She came into my office saying, All this guy did was talk about himself! He wasnt interested in me at all. He is self-centered, and has no manners. I wont be seeing HIM again! She did not realize that even in daily conversation, many men do not understand, nor are they skilled, in the fine art of small talk. Most guys tend to respond to questionswith answers. They dont realize that she is attempting to initiate a conversation, not an interview. Think about this: if you were dancing with a man, and he steps back, you step forward. When he steps forward, she steps back. This dance is a basic step that most people learn from a trained professional. It requires work to really understand and be able to implement complimentary movement with grace. The same is often true for conversation. If you quiet down, maybe hell ask you questions. If he doesnt, just say with a smile, now you ask me some things, or simply volunteer information. The same goes for romantic gestures, like opening a door for you, or offering to pay for the first date. If he lacks a desire to please or impress you, that is one thing; if he lacks the basic know how, that is another. Check in with the jury on that, before you cross him off your list. If we are judging a mans chivalry or thoughtfulness based on his present skill set, we may be cutting ourselves off at the knees. Sometimes we have to ask for what we wantwith a smile, the benefit of the doubt, and a belief that he would if he could. Ill say it again, good husbands are made their willingness to please, however, must be there.
Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

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Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

CHAPTER VIII

JOURNAL/WORKBOOK There are many roadblocks to success that people set up to protect themselves from their fears. Where once these coping mechanisms served a purpose, they have worn out their welcome, and have become obstacles to our happiness. Are yours serving you anymore?

How have you held yourself back? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ What are your patterns of sabotage?
________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

Where do they come from? Why did they develop? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

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Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

What are your fears? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________

How have you tried to face your challenges? What has worked? What has not worked? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ What is your plan today? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Throughout my career as a counselor, people have said things like, I read all the self- help books, but nothing works for me. It reminds me of the time my gynecologist gave me a diaphragm for birth control, and quite explicitly said to me, Joyce, it will not work in the drawer! I tell my clients, If you read a book about ballet, would it make you a ballerina? If you read a book about playing golf, would you be able to play golf? If you took a French lesson, would you be fluent in French? NO. NO. NO. You must DO the exercises in the workbook, you must follow the guidelines in the main text, and you must be consistent and active.

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

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Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

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Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

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Sabotaging Ourselves: Roadblocks To Happily Ever After

Joyce Dolberg Rowe LMHC, Professional Coach & Speaker

Joyce Dolberg Rowe, LMHC, is the Clinical Director for the Mars & Venus Counseling Centers. In private practice since 1980 she shares her expertise and experience as a relationship coach and public speaker to help individuals find and keep their soulmates.

Copyright 2005 The Soulmate Coach, Joyce Dolberg Rowe M.Ed. LMHC All Right Reserved

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