ASSERTIVENESS BY ;

Dr. Shereen Dorgham

ASSERTIVENESS
Assertiveness is the ability to communicate your needs, feelings, opinions, and beliefs in an open and honest manner without violating the rights of others

ASSERTIVENESS
1. IS NOT THE SAME AS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR. 2. AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR ENHANCES SELF AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS. 3. ASSERTIVENESS PRODUCES POSITIVE OUTCOMES FOR ALL; AGGRESSIVE ACTS RESULT IN NEGATIVE OUTCOMES.

WHAT WILL IT DO
1. HELPS YOU BECOME SELFCONFIDENT 2. INCREASES SELF-ESTEEM 3. GAIN RESPECT OF OTHERS 4. IMPROVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS 5. IMPROVE DECISIONMAKING ABILITY

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
1. BE HONEST AND DIRECT ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, NEEDS, BELIEFS. 2. EXPRESS YOURSELF FIRMLY AND DIRECTLY
TO SPECIFIC INDIVIDUALS. 3. BE REASONABLE IN YOUR REQUESTS

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
4. STATE YOUR VIEWPOINT WITHOUT BEING HESITANT OR APOLOGETIC. 5. BE HONEST WHEN GIVING OR RECEIVING FEEDBACK. 6. LEARN TO SAY NO TO UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS. 7. PARAPHRASE WHAT OTHERS HAVE STATED TO YOU.

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
8. REGOGNIZE AND RESPECT THE RIGHTS OF THOSE AROUND YOU. 9. USE APPROPRIATE TONE OF VOICE. 10. BE AWARE OF BODY POSTURE/LANGUAGE 11. MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT. 12. USE I STATEMENTS TO EXPRESS SELF

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
13. DONT LET OTHERS IMPOSE THEIR VALUES/IDEAS ON YOU 14. ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO BE CLEAR AND DIRECT 15. TAKE OWNERSHIP

AND MY RIGHTS ARE

1. The right to respect myself because of who I am. 2. How to lead my lifepursuing goals, dreams, etc. 3. Have my own values, beliefs, etc. 4. To tell others how I wish to be treated. 5. To change my mind and make mistakes without being ridiculed.

AND MY RIGHTS ARE

6. TO HAVE POSITIVE, HEALTHY, SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS IN WHICH I AM SAFE AND RESPECTED. 7. TO CHANGE AND DEVELOP MY LIFE HOW I DETERMINE. 8. TO BE HAPPY AND AT PEACE.

ASSERTIVENESS
1. DOESNT JUST HAPPEN. 2. DOES NOT GUARANTEE YOU HAPPINESS OR FAIR TREATMENT. 3. WILL NOT SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS 4. DOES NOT GUARANTEEE YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU WANT.

TYPES OF ASSERTIVENESS
Non-assertive behaviour
I am not ok,you are ok
Assertive behaviour I am ok,you are ok

Aggresive behaviour
I am ok,you are not ok

Manipulative behaviour
I am not ok,you are not ok

Negative attitude and passive behaviour

Lack of self confidence and low self esteem Lack of self respect Self putdowns Negative feelings and thoughts about yourself Feeliings of inferiority compared to others Like others to be in control of people and situations Feel guilty towards others demotivated

Negative attitude and manipulative behaviour

Lack of self confidence and low self esteem Lack of self respect and lack of respect for others Mistrustful and suspicious of others motives Negative feelings and thoughts about self and others Feel very wary towards others Dishonest and indirect Twist what others have said Undermine others self esteem Depressed and demotivated

Negative attitude and aggressive behaviour

Lack of self confidence and low self esteem Lack of respect towards others Put others down Feelings of superiority Like to be in control of people and situations Disinterested in others thoughts and feelings Feel angry towards others and are quick to blame them Dont listen to or ask questions Dismissive of feedback

Positive attitude and assertive behaviour

Self confidence and high self esteem Respect for self and towards others Take responsibility for self Motivated to do a good job nterested in others feelings and thoughts Ask questions Honest and direct Listen to others Ask others for feedback

Basics of Effective Communication, cont.

Get the facts before you pass judgment. Some styles lend
themselves better to this than others. Learning all communication styles is important in order to avoid communicating in less effective ways and in order to

recognize those styles in others so as to be able to deal with them.

People are not difficult. They only seem difficult to the extent that we do not have the skills to deal with what they bring to the table. It is our lack of knowledge that

makes the situation difficult.

Which is the Best Style?

All styles have their proper place and use. Assertive communication is the healthiest. Boundaries of all parties are respected. Easier to problem-solve; fewer emotional outbursts. It requires skills and a philosophy change, as well as lots of practice and hard work. When both parties do it, no one is hurt in any way and all parties win on some level.

Passive Communication

Allowing our own rights to be violated by failing to express our honest feelings. The goal of being a passive communicator is to avoid conflict no matter what. Little risk involved very safe. Little eye contact, often defers to others opinions, usually quiet tone, may suddenly explode after being passive too long.

Examples of Passive Communication

I dont know. Whatever you think. You have more experience than I. You decide. Ill go with whatever the group decides. I dont care. It doesnt matter to me. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. . . NO!

Aggressive Communication

Protecting ones own rights at the expense of others rights no exceptions. The goal of the aggressor is to win at all costs; to be right. Does not consider actions a risk because this person thinks they will always get their way. It is risky in terms of relationships, however. Eye contact is angry and intimidating; lots of energy; loud and belittling; never defers to others, or at least does not admit to; manipulative and controlling. Often uses violence or verbal abuse.

Examples of Aggressive Communication

I dont know why you cant see that this is the right way to do it. Its going to be my way or not at all. Youre just stupid if you think that will work. That kind of logic will sink the company. Who cares what you feel. Were talking about making things work here.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

Forfeiting your own rights initially, followed by manipulation and vengeance later. The goal of this style is to avoid conflict and then make the other party wish they had seen it your way. Avoids risk initially, risks relationships later, then acts surprised when people are mad. Behaves passively to peoples face, then aggressively when they are not around. Often uses sarcasm.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Communication

Sure, doctor. Id be happy to write that verbal order, but back on the unit the order is forgotten. I love your hair. Most people probably cant even tell its a wig. I hear what youre saying, and I wouldnt want to make waves, so Ill do what you say even though someone will probably get sued.

Assertive Communication

Protecting your own rights without violating the rights of others. The goal of the assertive person is to communicate with respect and to understand each other; to find a solution to the problem. Takes a risk with others in the short run, but in the long run relationships are much stronger. Eye contact maintained; listens and validates others; confident and strong, yet also flexible; objective and unemotional; presents wishes clearly and respectfully.

Examples of Assertive Communication

So what youre saying is. . . . I can see that this is important to you, and it is also important to me. Perhaps we can talk more respectfully and try to solve the problem. I think. . . I feel. . . I believe that. . . . I would appreciate it if you. . .

Assertiveness Skills

I - Persistence
1. Stay focused on the issue do not get distracted, defensive, or start justifying yourself. 2. Repeat the bottom line to keep the conversation on track and your issues on the table (e.g., I understand that, however we are talking about. . .). 3. Alternative styles would withdraw or would escalate this to a battle of wills that would override compromise.

II - Objectivity
1. Focus on the problem, not on the emotions that often accompany and cloud problems. Postpone discussion if emotions cannot be contained. 2. Use the validation skill (next) to handle others emotions so you can focus on objective issues.

III - Validation
Allow people to have their experience, but try to move beyond it to a discussion about the problem. You do not necessarily have to disagree or agree peoples perspectives are important, but they are not the heart of the issue, so dont make a battle over them. Validate them and get to the issue. If thats how you see it, thats fine. I can see that this upsets you, and from your perspective, I can see why. Now, what can we do to make this better for both of us?

IV - Owning

Being assertive means you also must own what is yours to own. If the other person has a point about your behavior, own it (this is the . . .without violating the rights of others part). Bulldozing over that is aggressive. Accept someones criticism as feedback rather than an attack. (e.g., You could be right about that. . ., That is entirely possible, knowing me. . .) Where is the value in fighting anothers negative opinion about us? Perspective is hard to change when directly challenged. This shows that IF their perspective were true, youd own it.

V Challenging False Information

When attacked with false and negative statements, do not fall prey to defensiveness. That only escalates emotions. Look for the grain of truth and validate it. This knocks barrier walls down and opens the door for discussion about the real problem. At times people are rigid and a more forceful stance is needed. E.g., Im sorry, I simply do not see it that way, but you are more than entitled to your opinion. Disagree, using factual information. E.g., Actually, I was at work, so that could not have been me.

VI Pumping the Negatives

When criticized, ask for more negative feedback do so assertively, as though you are trying to learn more about how to be better in that area (and in fact, that should be your goal). E.g., Tell me more about what is bothering you about my report. Stay task oriented!!! If you slip into emotions and get offended, you lose. Pump practical negatives (not baseless criticisms) and how your actions can be improved to help solve the problems.

VII Humor
Humor breaks down negative emotions. Humor can put tense situations at ease. When grain of truth is found, joke about it while owning it. Be careful to use humor appropriately and professionally.

When Aggression is Appropriate

In an emergency When there is not time to spend on a compromise. When your opinion is based on several facts, you therefore KNOW you are right, and there is not time to utilize assertiveness skills.

When Passivity is Appropriate

When the results of pushing the issue would cause problems that outweigh the benefits. When issues are minor. When there is a power differential that is not in your favor and the other party is getting agitated by your assertiveness. When the other individuals position is impossible to change. (E.g., the law).

What is Okay in Assertive Behavior

It is okay to say I dont know. It is okay to say No, or I cannot do that. It is okay to make mistakes as long as responsibility is taken for them. It is okay to disagree and to verbalize that. It is okay to challenge others opinions or actions. It is okay to not accept anothers opinion as factual or accurate (e.g., getting criticized). It is okay to ask for a change in behavior.

SAYING YES OR NO

Why is it difficult to say no?

If I say no,they may feel hurt or injected If I say no this time, they may not like me anymore If I say no this time,they may never ask again They wont take any notice if I say no They would say yes to me (and so I will feel guilty if I refuse them) I cant say no, because I feel sorry for them

How to say no assertively?

Start your reply with a clear,firm,audible no Do not justify or make excuses.Giving a reason is different from over-appologizing Feel that you have a right to say no Once you have said no , do not stay around waiting to be persuaded to change your mind.Make a definite closure by changing the subject,walking away, continiuing with what you are doingwhatever is appropriate

How to say no assertively?

Remember you are saying no to that particular request,not rejecting the person If the request takes you unawares or you have not sufficent time to think when asked,you can always say, I will let you know in order to give yourself time to think about what you want to say Take responsibility for saying no-do not blame the other person for asking you Ask for more information if you need it in order to decide whether you want to say yes or no

Why is it difficult to say yes?

I dont deserve it They might not really mean it I am not really sure that is what I want I dont have enough information

How to say yes assertively

Say yes clearly and definitely Identify why you would find it difficult Examine thoughts realistically and ask yourself Having calarified thughts for yourself then reaffirm your desire to say yes

Combining yes and no

yes and no may be combined assertively to define what we want or what our limits are in a particular situation.

In What Situations Do You Find It Difficult to Assert Yourself?

Exercise: In groups of 3 or 4, identify one situation each in which you find it difficult to assert yourself? What gets in your way? How do you feel? How does the other person react? Choose, and be prepared to share an example from your group