Bez: My manifesto?

The best bits will be because of acid

Mark Bez Berry David Bebber/The Times Michael Odell, The Times Published March 22 2014 The boggle eyed !reaky da"cer !rom #a$$y Mo"days is goi"g %o ru" !or Parliame"%& #e gives us a $revie' o! his ma"i!es%o Bez has a bra"di"g $roblem& (!) as he $la"s) he is elec%ed MP !or *al!ord a"d +ccles a% %he "e,% elec%io" %he" he "eeds a $ro$er) serious $oli%ical "ame& #is real "ame) Mark Berry) 'ould sou"d good 'i%h MP a!%er i%& Bu% his kudos is i"co"%rover%ibly a%%ached %o his s%age "ame) Bez) %he boggle eyed !reaky da"cer !rom #a$$y Mo"days) %he ba"d %ha% de!i"ed %he hedo"is%ic 1--0s ecs%asy !uelled .Madches%er/& 0" recordi"gs he is credi%ed as Bez .Bez/ Bez& The *$eaker 'ill "ever shou% %ha% ou% across %he 1ommo"s& .( %hough% abou% i% bu% co"cluded2 'he" %he $eo$le hear 'ha% (ve go% %o say abou% ho' 'e are livi"g u"der %he 3our%h 4eich i" %his cou"%ry) "o o"e 'ill be bo%hered 'ha% (m called) ho' ( dress a"d all %ha% b5555555)/ he says&

6as% 'eek) Bez a""ou"ced %ha% he is goi"g %o s%a"d as a" i"de$e"de"% ca"dida%e i" his home%o'" o! *al!ord a% "e,% years ge"eral elec%io" 'he" 6abours #azel Blears s%a"ds do'"& #e has bee" a $romi"e"% !igure a% local a"%i !racki"g $ro%es%s a"d already %he grassroo%s res$o"se is s%ro"g& .7lrigh% Bez& 8ou sho' %hem !5555 i" 6o"do")/ says a 'ell 'isher) as %he gau"%) 4- year old ca"dida%e 'i%h "o bo%%om %ee%h mee%s me a% Ma"ches%ers Piccadilly %rai" s%a%io"& (" Ma"ches%er) $eo$le love Bez& #e does"% lack %he commo" %ouch like mos% $oli%icia"s& (! a"y%hi"g i%s $ossible he has %oo much o! i%& .Peo$le shake my ha"d because %o %hem ( am %he da"ci"g) drug %aki"g %'a% !rom #a$$y Mo"days& 3air e"ough& Bu% ( am usi"g %ha% celebri%y %o sho' ( have serious k"o'ledge abou% ho' %his cou"%ry is ru")/ he says) as 'e %ake our sea%s i" a $ub& 9i%h all %he i"%eres%) Bez has accelera%ed %he $rocess o! becomi"g a" elec%able MP& #is P4 has bee" o" %he $ho"e %o say he looked like .a %ram$/ i" %he Daily Mirror yes%erday a"d so he is goi"g %o ge% a haircu%& #e is goi"g %o %he de"%is% abou% %he %ee%h& :ever%heless) some %hi"gs are i"dis$u%ably Bez) like his $ullover) 'hich is decora%ed 'i%h $ic%ures o! $ills& .7% %he e"d o! %he day %heres "o $oi"% hidi"g %he !ac% ( %ake drugs& ( !irmly believe i" %he heal%h be"e!i%s o! halluci"oge"ics)/ he says) s%ari"g %ha% u"!orge%%able s%are& (%s like bei"g $aralysed by %he sigh% o! a %ruck comi"g a% you 'i%h i%s headligh%s o" !ull beam& 9e %alk !or a" hour a"d a hal! a"d ( s'ear he "ever o"ce bli"ks& .Peo$le say ( have mad eyes cos o! drugs bu% %ha%s b5555555& My dad has mad eyes& (%s a !amily %rai%)/ he says& .Peo$le 'a"% %o blame drugs !or all ki"ds o! %hi"gs& Bu% %hey o$e"ed my mi"d& 7 lo% o! %he bes% %hi"gs i" me ma"i!es%o 'ill be cause o! acid&/ Bez) %alisma" !or %he + ge"era%io") 'as "ever goi"g %o %alk like your average MP& Bu% %ha%s "o% eve" %he radical s%u!!& 8ou 'ill scour $oli%ical his%ory i" vai" !or a"y o%her MP 'ho has crea%ed a" ideology based o" %he im$or%a"ce o! ho"ey& .(" %erms o! local $oli%ics) ( am $romo%i"g $ermacul%ure& 7"d bees a"d %heir ho"ey are ce"%ral %o %ha%)/ he says& .( kee$ bees a"d ea% ho"ey a"d make beer !rom i%& (ve do"e such shi% %o my body bu% ho"ey has ke$% me alive&/ 1ommu"al livi"g o" shared la"d) gro'i"g orga"ic !rui% a"d vege%ables 'i%h !ree !ood a"d e"ergy !or all !lesh ou% his visio"& 3ive years ago) he says) he gave u$ all his $ossessio"s a"d bega" livi"g o" shared la"d i" #ere!ordshire 'i%h .like mi"ded revolu%io"aries/& #is ma%e 7la") 'ho used %o orga"ize $ar%ies !or %he *%o"e 4oses a"d 'ho drove Bez here %oday) is o"e o! %hem& They sho' me a $ho%o o" a" iPho"e o! %heir "e' home&

(%s a beau%i!ul co%%age 'i%h acres o! la"d i" #ere!ord) le"% by a .'eal%hy) la"d o'"i"g revolu%io"aries/ 'ho he 'ill "o% "ame& 9he" "o% !armi"g a"d beekee$i"g %hey say %hey visi%

schools all over %he ;< a"d sho' childre" %hey ca" live sel! sus%ai"ably a"d "o% gro' u$ zombie clie"%s o! a .cor$ora%e su$ermarke% ba"ki"g co"s$iracy/& Bees& 3rui%& (%s laudable social ac%ivism& Bu% 'he" Bez ge%s o"%o his co"s$iracies i%s hard %o kee$ u$& 7"d because ( mus% look a bi% sce$%ical) he looks a"gry a"d %he s$i%%le !lies& (" brie!) Bez says %he 'ar i" ;krai"e has bee" orga"ised by ba"kers %o i"%erru$% gas su$$lies a"d %hus raise e"ergy $rices& #e says %he missi"g Malaysia" airli"es =e% 'as sho% do'" by ba"kers because i% 'as carryi"g 1hi"ese busi"essme" 'i%h a" i"ve"%io" %ha% migh% have crea%ed !ree e"ergy& #e says %he gover"me"% is s$rayi"g ;< skies 'i%h .chem %rails/ o! alumi"ium %ha% 'ill block ou% vi%ami" D a"d kill us all& Mos% bizarrely) he says %ha% Paul Mc1ar%"ey died i" 1->? a"d %he o"e 'e see %oday is a" im$os%er) %'o !oo% %aller %ha" %he origi"al& .7$ar% !rom %he !ake Mc1ar%"ey) ba"kers 'ho did a deal 'i%h %he :azis i" 1-44 are %he evil behi"d %he 3our%h 4eich& ( have a solu%io" %o ba"ki"g 'hich ( ca""o% a""ou"ce %oday& (m "o% kiddi"g you& ( ca" solve i% all bu% you media $eo$le "eed %o !555555 'ake u$ %o reali%y&/ Tha%s 'ha% he migh% call his $ar%y& The 4eali%y Par%y& Because ( do "o% really k"o' ho' %o res$o"d %o %hese ideas 'e agree %o discuss local issues& 0" !racki"g) he is agai"s% i% because he believes i% 'ill 'reck %he 'a%er %able a"d has already caused a" ear%h@uake i" Ma"ches%er& (m "o% sure 'he%her he is re!erri"g %o %he %remors %ha% hi% %he ci%y i" 200? or 'he%her %heres bee" a" u"re$or%ed ear%h@uake i" %he :or%h 9es% %ha% o"ly Bez k"o's abou%& #e is a"%i AM !oods because mu%a"% le%%uces could %ake over %he e"%ire eco sys%em& (%s a !air $oi"%) bu% 'he" ( %ry a"d %hi"k o! a chemically modi!ied le%%uce ( ca""o% hel$ %hi"ki"g i"s%ead o! chemically modi!ied Bez) lurchi"g 'ildly rou"d %he s%age shaki"g maracas& ( %ell him s%raigh%2 $oli%ical credibili%y 'ill be a $roblem& #e is) a!%er all) %he o"e member o! #a$$y Mo"days 'ho did"% $lay a" i"s%rume"% or really do a"y%hi"g a"d ye%) someho') 'i%h %hose eyes) %ha% da"ci"g) %hose drug bi"ges) came %o $erso"i!y "o% o"ly %he ba"d bu% a 'hole cul%ural era& The @uali%ies o! a grea% $o$ s%ar are "o% "ecessarily %hose o! a good MP& 3or e,am$le) %here is evide"ce he has "o% al'ays lis%e"ed care!ully %o %he heal%h service& (" 1--2) 'he" %he Mo"days 'ere su$$osed %o be recordi"g a" album i" Barbados) Bez) u"der %he i"!lue"ce o! booze a"d cocai"e) 'e"% !or a s$i" i" a hire car) somersaul%ed i% over a hill a"d smashed o"e o! his arms %o bi%s& The doc%ors bol%ed i% %oge%her a"d %old him %o res%& Three days la%er he broke i% agai" i" a s$eedboa% accide"%& *eco"dly) %here is his dubious gras$ o! !iscal res$o"sibili%y2 #e has bee" declared ba"kru$% %'ice Bhe 'o" 1elebri%y Big Bro%her i" 200C a"d used his 'i""i"gs %o $ay his %a, billD& Thirdly) %here is his @ues%io"able $osi%io" o" $ublic %ra"s$or% 2 he migh% be eco mi"ded "o' bu% u"%il rece"%ly he drove arou"d i" a black cab ki%%ed ou% 'i%h 20 music s$eakers a"d 1C TE scree"s& ("s%ead o! Ta,i) %he illumi"a%ed roo! sig" read .Pim$/&

.(% go% "icked)/ he shrugs .7"d Dibble has do"e !555 all abou% i%&/ 3i"ally) %heres %he P4 co"u"drum %ha%) eve" %hough his dad 'as a de%ec%ive i"s$ec%or 'i%h Area%er Ma"ches%er Police) Bez s%ill dis$aragi"gly calls all co$$ers .Dibble/) a re!ere"ce %o %he 0!!icer Dibble charac%er i" %he *eve"%ies kids car%oo" To$ 1a%& #e has served %ime !or his $ar% i" a burglary a"d bee" co"vic%ed o! domes%ic viole"ce& To be !air) he does"% eve" claim %o be a role model& (" %he $rologue %o his au%obiogra$hy 3reaky Da"ci" he admi%s2 .(%s a scary %hough% %ha% a" are"a !ull o! educa%ed a" %ale"%ed kids are all looki" u$ %o %he bigges% bu"ch o! villai"ous lo' li!e Beelzebubs 'i%h %he mos% ridiculously %'is%ed a"d k"arled his%ories&&&FsicG/ :o' %hough) des$i%e "ever havi"g vo%ed himsel!) he %hi"ks %he $oli%ical 'i"d migh% be blo'i"g i" his direc%io"& .Peo$le are sick o! $oli%icia"s 'ho %hey =us% do"% rela%e %o)/ he says& .They k"o' ( have "o%hi"g %o hide&/ 7"d here he has a $oi"%& 3or years %here has bee" ha"d'ri"gi"g a% 9es%mi"s%er %ha% ma"y MPs lack real li!e e,$erie"ce& :o o"e is goi"g %o level %ha% charge a% Bez& .(%s a 6abour sea% bu% (ll give %hem a ru" !or %heir mo"ey& (ve had local cou"cillors co"%ac% me a"d say %hey 'ill s%a"d aside a"d su$$or% me)/ he says& .9i%h me) righ%) (ve made mis%akes bu% "o' ( have "o%hi"g bu% love&/ #e says he is "o' o" good %erms 'i%h bo%h his e, $ar%"ers Bhe has %'o so"s 7rlo) 2H a"d Iack) 21) !rom a" 1J year rela%io"shi$) a"d C year old 6eo !rom a seve" year rela%io"shi$D& #e rece"%ly !ou"d a girl!rie"d a!%er %hree years alo"e& .Took me %hree years o! hear%break %o ge% over %he las% 'oma")/ he says !orlor"ly& #e s$e"ds much o! his %ime a% %he shared house B."o% a commu"e& (m "o% a hi$$ie/D maki"g bee hives a"d !armi"g& Toge%her %he commu"i%y gro' a"d ea% orga"ic !ood& (" %he a!%er"oo"s he migh% do some yoga or read& .(m a 'orki"g class lad 'ho 'as socially co"di%io"ed %o !ail& Bu% ( read voraciously a"d (ve lear"ed a lo%& +very%hi"g has a co"scious"ess a"d 'he" you 'ake u$ %o i% you ca" make %he 'orld a beau%i!ul $lace)/ he says& The o%her members o! #a$$y Mo"days su$$or% his $oli%ical as$ira%io"s) he says& They have sig"ed some ar%'ork made ou% o! his old cas%a"e%s& This 'ill be auc%io"ed %o $ay !or seeds a"d =uicers %o go i"%o schools& Bu%) curiously) %here is also a "e' #a$$y Mo"days album i" %he 'orks& 7"d %hough he de"ies %he i"%er"e% rumour %ha% i%s 'orki"g %i%le is Desig"er Eagi"a) i% sou"ds a dis%rac%io" !rom a $ossible 9es%mi"s%er career& .9ha%ever ( do i" li!e ( have o"e goal& Des%roy %he ma%ri,& De!ea% %he 3our%h 4eich& 9i%h my e,$a"ded co"scious"ess ( believe ( ca" do %ha% as a da"cer) a bee kee$er or as a" MP&/

Bezs perfect weekend cid or !cstasy Bo%h "ills or thrills Thrills come !rom $ills #eadache or bellyache #eadache cos ( ca" !i, %ha% easy #acienda or country cotta$e 0ur co%%age is beau%i!ul %elfrid$es or #ar&ey 'ichols :ei%her (ity or )nited ;"i%ed (ameron or (le$$ :ei%her *o$a or "ilates 8oga Beatles or %tones Bea%les bu% 'i%h %he real Paul +a&ourite kitchen utensil *$a%ula ( couldnt $et throu$h the weekend without ,,, *lee$&