Communication Theories Chapter 6 in Karpowitz, D. H. (1991). Families in i! "erspecti#es.

$ntro%uction &asic '!ioms el()*orth an% Communication +ni,ueness "rinciples o( -motion an% Communication that Facilitate or Hin%er -((ecti#e .elationship De#elopment an% /aintenance Three &asic .ules o( -((ecti#e Communication t0les o( Communication "s0cholin,uistics The Transactional /o%el 1on%irecti#e 'pproaches to Communication "riniciples (or .esol#in2 Disa2reements in .elationships $nterpersonal Crisis /ana2ement Drei3urs4 Famil0 Council ummar0 .e(erences

$ntro%uction In this chapter a variety of models of marital, family and interpersonal functioning will be discussed which can be loosely brought together under the umbrella of communication theories. No one of these models has received sufficient empirical support to gain acceptance as "the" communication theory. All of the models are commonly referred to in the family study literature. The models are not mutually exclusive. In some respects they represent different perspectives of the same phenomena and have some overlap with each other. Many of these models have been developed and applied by individuals who have wor ed at the Mental !esearch Institute "M!I# in $alo Alto, %alifornia. Among this group are &regory 'ateson, (on )ac son, $aul *at+lawic and ,irginia -atir "'roaderic , ./01#. Their professional disciplines include anthropology, medicine, psychology and social wor . An example of a psycholinguistic model has been proposed by 'andler and &rinder "./23#. 4ri 'erne5s crossed and parallel transactions and his theory of games center on communication "./6.#. !ogers and several of his students have suggested wor ing

models of communication relevant to couples and families "&ordon, ./278 'ach 9 *yden, ./6/#. (rei urs "./6:# has offered several practical approaches for couples and family communication from an Adlerian, individual psychology perspective. Although there are clear differences among the proponents of these communication models, they all agree that communication plays a central role in family and marital functioning. All of the model builders discussed here have also recommended changing some aspect of communications among family ; members as a ma<or method of changing marital and family functioning. These models will be examined next. Together these models focus on a variety of aspects of the communication process. 'asic Axioms *at+lawic , 'evin and )ac son "./62# have described a series of tentative axioms of communication. The first axiom is that one cannot not communicate. 4very action or non=action sends some ind of message. -ilence may be interpreted as rebuff, agreement, snobbishness, ignorance and much more. A touch may signal caring, force, opposition, etc. "I love you" may communicate ">ove me bac ," "I need you," "(o it my way," among many other possible meanings. %ommunication may ta e place even when it is not intentional or consciously reasoned, or successful. %ommunication may come in the form of a single unit or message, in a series of messages which might be called aninteraction, as well as still higher level units of communication such as a pattern of interaction. If one cannot not communicate, then the nature, structure, function and content of communication become even more important to study and understand. All meaningful communication is circular in that there is a mutual influence between sender and receiver. The message I want to communicate may not be the same as the message you perceive from me. ?urther, my perception of your response to my message may not be the response you intended to communicate. In the flow of communication, who is designated as sender and who as receiver is often an arbitrary determination. In any case communication is a simultaneous mutual influence process "!eusch, ./2@#. This process ta es place in a specific context which acts to add structure and role expectations. The fact that communication is at times clear and well understood is enhanced by the feedbac and correction elements of communication. The circular nature of communication allows opportunity for revision and clarification. "*ould you please repeat thatA" "I5m not sure I understand what you mean." "*ould you elaborateA" "$lease define what you mean by...." "I thought you were saying...." -econd, communication not only conveys information, it also attempts to define the relationship between sender and receiver. !eusch and 'ateson "./3.# labeled the information or content portion of a message the report. They labeled the relationship defining aspects of the message the command. The command aspect of a message suggests how the sender views her=self, how the sender views the receiver, how the sender imagines the receiver views the sender, etc. *at+lawic , et al. "./62# suggest that often the relationship aspects of the communication are sent and received without the full awareness of either sender or receiver. *hen a fellow as s a woman for a date, he may also be communicating his self= confidence, his assertiveness, his willingness to play an active role, his positive view of the woman. All of this communication ta es place without reporting these attitudes in words. -ince the relationship aspect of communication is communication about communication, it is said to be metacommunication. -uccessful communication is intimately lin ed to appropriate metacommunication. If I say I care about you while at he same time nonverbally withdrawing from you, I may be sending a very confusing message. The third axiom is punctuation. The outside observer may view a communication between two people as a stream of uninterrupted interchanges. The participants however, often divide up these interchanges into an arbitrary stimulus=response groupings. -uch divisions are called punctuation. ,erbal communication events are thus organi+ed by punctuation much li e it is in written interchanges. In each culture there are many shared conventions of punctuation. $unctuation may also be used to attach rather idiosyncratic meaning to a message. It is possible that considerable reality distortion can ta e place through the arbitrary misuse of punctuation. ?or example, one may observe a couple exchanging critical remar s in a negative escalating spiral. Bowever, when Cueried, each spouse maintains that the other "started it" and

they are <ust protecting themselves from the "attac " of the other. The third communication axiom suggests that "the nature of a relationship is contingent upon the punctuation of the communication seCuences between communicants" "*at+lawic , et al., ./62, $. 3/#. ?ourth, some communication theorists have drawn the helpful distinction between digital and analogic modes of communication. (igital communication is the content and is usually verbal. (igital communication has a highly complex and powerful logical syntax. Bowever, digital language lac s adeCuate semantics in the field of relationships. Analogic communication is mostly nonverbal. It possesses the semantics of relationships, but it5s syntax is too wea for the unambiguous definition of the nature of relationship. In a masterpiece painting the use of color and perspective communicate to the viewer analogically. The content of the scene is more digital in its communication. 4ven communication within the human organism has digital and analogic li enesses. The electrical firing of a neuron can be viewed as digital in its expression. The neuron either "fires" or it does not. Dn the other hand hormones are secreted into the organism5s system in varying amounts and at varying rates. This is more consistent with the analogic mode. 4very message has its digital and analogic components. Many aspects of relationship defy digital description and thus remain somewhat ambiguous. ?or example, how does one adeCuately describe in words the passion, excitement, warmth and caring of loveA *ords often fail. Baley"./6@# points out that when the analogic communication of courtship meets the digital communication of the formal marriage ceremony "and marriage contract#, the couple may struggle with whether they stay married because they wish to or because they must "p. ../#. ?ifth, interactions can be viewed as symmetrical, complementary, or parallel. -ymmetrical interactions are mar ed by sameness. 4ach person in an interaction uses a similar strategy. %ompetition and fear of losing are heightened. ?or example, a mother and son may continually interrupt each other in an effort to express themselves fully. In this instance both use the identical strategy to try and get what they want "the attention or agreement of the other#. $roblems can occur with the escalation of sameness, such as in a Cuarrel. %omplementary interactions suggest role oppositesE "top dog" = "underdog," Cuiet = tal ative, dominant = submissive, active = passive, clean = sloppy. In complementary communication the opposite strategies fit together, they complement each other. ?or example, in a functionally negative interaction between a couple using complementary interactions one spouse may critici+e the other while the second responds to the first with silence. $roblems develop in complementary interactions as they become increasingly rigid. 'ateson "./@3# has suggested a third form of interaction described as parallel. $arallel interactions are neither symmetrical nor complementary. 4ach person responds differently in the interaction but the difference is not the opposite. There is greater variation in parallel interactions. *hen one partner is discouraged the other may respond with calmness. *hen one person is distressed the other may be comforting. $arallel interacting couples appear to manifest greater independence. Their choice of response seems to fit the situation but it is not bound to the oppositeness of the complementary form. 'ar e5 "./0@# in his review points out that some authors postulate that parallel communication is a "higher order" communication form than either the symmetrical or complementary forms. Bowever, 'ar e5s own research does not support this higher order hypothesis. No problem aspects of the parallel form are apparent in contrast to the escalation and rigidity concerns of the symmetrical and complementary forms respectively. There is a tendency to try and classify couples or families according to one of the three interaction forms. This activity may have some merit in examining dysfunctional couples or families where inflexibility abounds. Bowever, many couples find themselves using all three interaction forms depending on the elements of a specific situation. The sixth axiom suggests that in any communication the message sender perceives some ind of response from the receiver. -uch a response is perceived as either acceptance of the communication,

re<ection of the communication or disCualification of the message. Bere the lin between self=esteem and communication seems obvious. Ban s "./2:# wrote succinctly, "4very human being is trying to say something to others, trying to cry out, 5I am alive. Notice meF -pea to meF %onfirm for me that I am important, that I matter5" "p. /.#. 'oth acceptance and re<ection of a communication have affirming aspects. 'oth indicate, "I5m listening. Gou5re worth listening to. *hat you say ma es a difference to me." Df course almost everyone would li e others to accept our communication. It feels especially affirming to the message sender. There is also a place for re<ection of a message. -uch feedbac can be useful and growthful. "4ven though I disagree with what you said, I care enough to respond to you. Gou deserve my feedbac . Gou can 5handle5 my disagreement with you." !esponse to a sender5s message includes both report and command, both digital and analogic levels of communication. The disCualification response gives the message, "Gou are not important. I don5t have time for you. Gou don5t matter. Gour feelings don5t matter to me. I5m not interested in your ideas. Gou have no influence with me. Gou are unimportant and impotent." *at+lawic , et al. "./62# postulate that such communications given freCuently by significant others around central or ego important issues may not only prevent or inhibit the development of self=esteem, but may lead to confusion and increase the probability of psychotic behavior. "'i+arre" behavior may be an attempt to deal with consistent disCualification. -elf=*orth and %ommunication As suggested above our own sense of self=esteem is affected by how others respond to our communication, whether with acceptance, re<ection or disCualification. It is also the case that our perceptions of others and our communications to others are affected by our own self=worth. -atir "./21# distinguishes between low "pot" and feeling "low." $ot is eCuated with self= esteem by using the analogy of a pot which contains a liCuid, our sense of self=esteem. (aily fluctuations in mood occur. Dne says, "I feel great," or "I5m really down today." 'ut beyond these common ups and downs are the more stable feelings one has about himself. -atir would say high "pot" or low "pot". This is a more enduring sense of self. Its fluctuations or changes tend to occur over longer periods of time. ?eelings of self=esteem may be the product of many daily bits of communication and interactions, successes and failures as the individual perceives them. *hen one5s evaluation of self balances strengths and wea nesses in a reasonably accurate reflection of self=worth, it is easier to see the value and worth of others. %ommunication tends to be more positive, supportive and constructive. Dne5s capacity to demonstrate empathy increases. "I5m beginning to understand the pressure you5ve been under." "Gou really did well on the exam." "I really feel you can accomplish your goal." >ow "pot" not only results in one feeling self=doubt, but also ma es it easier to be critical of others. "Gou5re always boasting." "%an5t you do anything rightA" 4ffective communication in relationships can form a solid base for building self=worth in both the individuals who are communicating. $oor communication can increase self=doubt and distort our perceptions of self and others. In meaningful relationships the activities which build self=worth in one may hinder or prevent the building of self=worth in the other due to conflicting priorities. ?or example, one spouse may come to view his or her profession as the number one priority. *hile the second spouse places the first spouse and children in the number one priority. -uch a situation increases the chances for communications which do not enhance either5s self=esteem. "All you can thin of is your stupid <ob. Gou never have time for the children and me." "Gou5re so busy with the ids, when do your have time to care about what I5m doingA" Two forms of poor communication in response to others are the fight and flight reactions. In the fight reaction one attempts to defend oneself by ta ing control and attac ing others. In football, but not in effective communication, the best defense may be a good offense. 'laming others is one way of getting the attention off of oneself and focusing it on others5 inadeCuacies. In this reaction one "puts down" the other5s worth. The flight reaction is eCually unhelpful. Dne5s communication turns against the self. Dne5s wea nesses ta e on disproportionate importance. -trengths are minimi+ed or forgotten about. Also the other person is "put down" through silence or implied guilt. ?light responses may also lead to such unhelpful patterns of interaction such as "poor me" or "ain5t it awful" "see the discussion of "games"

below#. 'oth fight and flight forms of communication decrease the probability of appropriate feelings of self=esteem in both self and others "%alden, ./26#. HniCueness *hat one means to communicate may not be what the other understands. Dne reason for this potential problem in communication is that each person is uniCue. 4ach person5s life experiences are exactly li e no one else5s. ?or example, in one family who places great value on calmness, raising one5s voice somewhat may signal considerable anger. In a second family "discussing" loudly and with considerable fervor is a signal of interest and engagement. If an offspring from each of these two families begin to date each other, difficulties in communication may arise simply because of the differences in bac ground experiences "uniCuenesses#. If the child from the second family enters the discussion intensely, the child from the first family may interpret the intensity as anger. Dn the other hand, the failure of the child from the first family to respond with intensity may be seen as disinterest by the child of the second family. -uch communication challenges are extremely common when the content of the discussion has important relationship and affective conseCuences. -uch miscommunication is not intentional or planned, it occurs because of the uniCue connotation attached to messages as a result of particular life experiences. The emotional state of the communicators also affects the accuracy of the communication process. If I am angry and especially if I am angry with myself, I find it much easier to find fault with others, to see everything the other does as wrong. ?reud called this process pro<ection and suggested that it was one of the most basic defenses people use. Dn the other hand, when I feel good about myself, when my sense of self=worth is high, then it is easier to see the positive in other5s behavior. It is easier to be more accepting and empathetic. Df particular importance, it is easier to "read" more accurately the other person5s communications because "I" am less defensive and more open to both the digital and analogic aspects of the message. Acceptance of the person with whom one is communicating increases the probability of accurate message exchange. It is possible to disagree with the content of the message while at the same time affirming the person sending the message. The opposite of this occurred in ancient &reece when the ing illed the message bearer because he didn5t li e the message that a battle was being lost. The ability to separate message from sender may depend upon a higher level of moral development as suggested by Iohlberg5s "./6:# stages of moral development. If one5s view of social interaction is based on eCual exchanges, one may have more difficulty separating message and messenger. Dn the other hand if one5s view of social interaction includes a set of higher order principles such as the "golden rule," then separation of message from messenger becomes more li ely. $rinciples of 4motion and %ommunication *hich ?acilitate or Binder 4ffective !elationship (evelopment and Maintenance 'urr "./26# has suggested a series of principles which lin together aspects of communication and emotion. The 4motionality $rinciple states that when emotions are intense, the greater the intensity, the less rational control people have over their behavior. -imilarly, the less the intensity of emotions, the greater the control people have over their behavior. %losely lin ed to the 4motionality $rinciple is the !ationality $rinciple which indicates that the greater the rational control over behavior, the greater the Cuality of verbal communication, and vice versa. The relationship of rational control and Cuality of verbal communication is curvilinear, meaning that once a moderately high level of rational control is reached there is no further increase in the Cuality of communication.

In fact at very high levels of rational control defensiveness may come into play and lower the Cuality of communication. -everal implications stem from the 4motionality and !ationality $rinciples. ?irst, being able to recogni+e one5s own level of emotion, especially when intense, may open up more alternatives for Cuality communication than waiting until the emotional level is very high. -econd, being able to recogni+e the emotional level of others5 responses, at least when they are intense, may also increase the probability of Cuality communication. ?or example, in such a situation the person recogni+ing the other5s high level of emotion may choose to postpone the discussion of differences until emotions are at a more moderate level. Third, when emotions become intense it may be appropriate to find a "safe" way to vent the emotions before proceeding with further communication. ?or example, one husband too a wal around the bloc in the cool night air to calm down before continuing a discussion with his wife. *hen the discussion continued, he was then in greater rational control and the Cuality of the communication improved. ?ourth, in moderate doses it may be helful to discuss feelings of frustration, anger or anxiety in the family setting as a means of gaining greater understanding and control regarding such feelings. The Trust $rinciple suggests that the greater the trust an individual perceives in a relationship, the greater the willingness to communicate about important emotions. The less the trust the less the willingness to communicate about important emotions. Trust is often developed out of experiences with the other person which communicate trust. 'ehavior that communicates trust is more powerful than verbal expressions suggesting trust especially if trust has been Cuestioned. Time for trust to develop is also necessary. >i e the Trust $rinciple, the %oncern $rinciple indicates that the greater the concern an individual perceives from another, the greater the willingness of the first individual to communicate about important emotions. The less perceived concern, the less willingness to communicate about important emotions. The Norms=4motion $rinciple suggests that the more a person5s norms prohibit communication about emotions, the less willing the person is to communicate about important emotions and vice versa. The amount of self=esteem influences the amount of anxiety individuals experience. This -elf=4steem $rinciple is an inverse, curvilinear relationship, meaning the greater the self=esteem, the less the anxiety up to a reasonably high level of self=esteem. After the reasonably high level of self=esteem is reached, no further reduction in anxiety ta es place. The (efensiveness $rinciple hypothesi+es that the greater the amount of anxiety due to lowered self= esteem, the greater the probability the individual will use defensive behaviors called "defense mechanisms." The use of defense mechanisms freCuently has an adverse effect on the Cuality of verbal communication. This is the (efensive=%ommunication $rinciple. ?inally, the Anxiety $rinciple lin s the amount of anxiety an individual experiences due to lowered self= esteem to the extent behavior is rationally controlled. The relationship is inverse in that the greater the anxiety, the less the rational control. If the goal is rational communication, these principles suggest the importance of moderate levels of emotionality, high levels of trust and concern, norms which allow the expression of emotions, at least moderate self=esteem and low levels of anxiety. 4xperiences which facilitate these factors will enhance the Cuality of communication.

Three 'asic !ules of 4ffective %ommunication

The first basic rule of effective communication is awareness of self. It is important to tune into one5s own thoughts, feelings and wishes. 'ecome aware of behaviors which signal certain feelings. ?or example, when you5re angry does the hair on the bac of your nec stand upA (o your chee s flushA (o your muscles tense upA (oes your stomach "turn overA" *hat other behaviors signal anger for youA If one can become aware of these signals of affect, then one can more easily recogni+e the presence of the affect itself. Dnce a thought, feeling or wish is recogni+ed it becomes easier to ta e responsibility for it, to own it. No one can ma e another feel, thin or wish something. Instead each person decides consciously or unconsciously to thin this, feel that, or wish the other. Dn occasion almost everyone feels embarrassed, sad, humiliated, angry, etc. -uch intense feelings may be momentary or they may persist. If such negative feelings persist, it becomes important to find an appropriate way to express them and direct them. -upression of persistent negative feelings may result in such feelings, thoughts or wishes being expressed in an indirect and obtuse, often unconscious way. -arcasm is an example. 'y owning such feelings one has available more options and s ills to find societally acceptable means for dealing with such feelings, thoughts and wishes. Dne5s sense of self=control is increased when one has developed a clear sense of self. Hnconscious expressions often fail to accurately reflect the circumstances and fail to fully resolve the problem. A child who is critici+ed by his or her father in the presence of the child5s peers, may unconsciously act in such a way as to annoy the father on future occasions. Bowever, a direct discussion of the situation with the father, when the father and the son are alone, may help to resolve the difficulty and improve future communications. *hen expressing negative feelings directly, it is helpful to use "I" rather than "you" statements. "I feel offended by your comment," rather than, "you are offensive to me." "I wish I could communicate my thoughts more clearly to you," rather than, "you <ust don5t understandF" Dften anger means that one is hurt inside. 4xpressing the hurt rather than the anger, especially with "I" statements, may facilitate understanding and resolution of the problem. &ottman, et al. "./26# recommend a refined procedure using "I" statements. The procedure is called leveling. >eveling statements always ta e the form, "*hen you do J, in situation G, I feel K." ?or example, "*hen you don5t answer me while we5re eating a meal together, I feel you aren5t listening and thin what I have to say is unimportant." 'ad mood warnings may help decrease unnecessary disagreements. "%ould we tal about this tomorrow evening at 0E@7. I5m feeling under a lot of pressure to finish this frustrating report tonight." In this example it is essential to follow through with the appointment. As one becomes more aware of herself the capacity to communicate and understand increases. The second rule of effective communication has two componentsE first, tuning into the feelings of others and second, building the others5 feelings of self=worth. Dne can tune into the feelings of others by listening actively and attentively. Dne can also as "tune in" Cuestions, "(o you mean....A" Mirroring bac the feelings associated with another person5s communication indicates being tuned in. "*owF I5ll bet that was frustrating." It is also helpful to pay close attention to body language and other analogic aspects of communication. Dne can build the self=worth of others by giving positive "stro es," by expressing appreciation, by affirming the person even when one disagrees with the content. "*hat a great idea." "I really appreciate your thoughtful consideration of this matter." "I5m not sure I agree with you, but your idea raises some issues I need to consider." It is also helpful to encourage others to express both positive and negative feelings. -uch "open" communication builds trust and communicates eCuality and respect. Hse matching verbal and nonverbal communication. The intended message said in words should match the relationship "command# message which is usually expressed nonverbally. Matching messages are usually clear. Nonmatching messages tend to be unclear and may create double binds which cause confusion and hinder good communication. The third rule of effective communication is that I can only change me. In marital and family situations too often the message sender is see ing to "force" a change in the receiver. This almost never wor s and even if it does wor , has many unhelpful side effects. This does not mean one should not try and persuade others to her way of thin ing. 'ut each person deserves the right to choose within the limits of her capacity to choose. The following Cuestions help to focus attention on what one can do. *hat am I

doing that contributes to the problemA An honest answer can open up many courses of action for that individual. *hat can I do to improve the situationA 4ven where it is obvious that the other person shares some responsibility for the problem, there is often much the first person can do to resolve the issue. Bow can I changeA %an I cut down on defensivenessA %an I accept responsibility for my mista es and shortcomingsA The following dialogue illustrates the appropriate use of these three basic rules of effective communication. ")ohn, I5m feeling really concerned about our relation ship right now. %an we tal about itA" "-ure, Marsha. I hear your sense of urgency. *hat are you feelingA" "*ell, maybe it5s <ust me. I feel lonely and I5m not sure how you feel about me right now." "That can be a scary feeling. *hat can I do to help things improveA" "I5m not sure, but we haven5t had a chance to go on a date for several wee s now." "Gou5re right. That really is a problem. I5ve seen our budget crunch and haven5t felt much li e spending even a few dollars for dinner or a show." "I understand what you5re saying. I used to li e to go window shopping when we were students and didn5t have a dime. It was fun to plan and dream." "-ay, that5s a great idea. *e could go tonight at 2E77. Bow about itA" "D ." "Are there other things we should tal aboutA" "I5m feeling better now somehow. >et5s tal some more while we window shop tonight." "&reat. Gou now, you5re terrific." -tyles of %ommunication As individuals interact in marital, family and other long=term situations, styles of interaction develop. These styles are influenced by roles, but are not constrained by roles. -tyles of communication are reflected in body posture, nonverbals such as gestures and other mannerisms. -uch styles also have a strong emotional component. They communicate feelings. -atir "./21# has suggested four styles of communication. If any one of these styles becomes constant and rigid, problems in communication arise. The blamer communicates, "I5m o . Gou5re not o ." >i e a football team, the blamer improves the defense by improving the offense. There are appropriate times to be critical and to place blame where it ought to be. Bowever, the constant use of this communication style bloc s effective communication, creates arguments and reduces family and marital satisfaction. Not only does the blamed person suffer, but so does the blamer. The placater communicates, "Gou5re o . I5m not o ." Bere again there are appropriate situations to admit fault, to ta e the blame. 'ut as a consistent style, such individuals are avoided. Dthers feel guilty around them. -ometimes ta ing the blame is a defensive maneuver to hide even more tender feelings of poor self=esteem. 'oth the placater and the placated suffer. -atisfaction and effective communication are reduced.

The computer communicates, "I5m o and you5re o ." Dn the surface this loo s great. Dften it is. There is a time for more discussion, not ma ing a decision too Cuic ly, getting more facts, being patient, etc. Bowever, there is also a time for action. *hen the computer continues to "compute" problems may be avoided, time wasted, the Cuality of interaction lowered. In these cases computing may be a means of defending against some hidden anxiety. The distracter communicates, "I5m not o . Gou5re not o ." A healthy use of distraction is humor. In a tense family interaction humor may bra e through the tenseness and open up fruitful, effective communication. Bowever, if a person is rigid in the use of the distraction style, effective communication may be hindered. The class clown is a moderate example of an unhelpful distracter style. 'i+arre behavior is a more extreme illustration. *hen an individual uses each of the four communication styles in appropriate situations, -atir "./21# calls this leveling or being real. There are many appropriate times for each of the communication styles. Bowever, when one style becomes the dominant, almost exclusive style, effective communication in the marital and family setting is reduced. $sycholinguistics $sycholinguistics is "the study of the psychological functions of language and of the effects of language on individual and group relationships. Its primary functions are to promote communication, to enable us to use concepts as tools of thought, to study language as a medium for the expression of feelings and emotions, and to enable us to build a body of literature that enriches human life" "&oldonson, ./0:, p. 67@#. >anguage influences thin ing and thus, communication "'andler and &rinder, ./23#. *hat does a person mean who says, "I li e your hairA" Is it the length, the color, the style, the texture that is li edA All of theseA None of theseA Dften language only expresses a part of a thought. ?urther communication is needed to fully understand the thought. *ords express only part of the underlying message, the deep structure. Nonverbals express only part of the underlying message. The verbal and nonverbal aspects of the message together form the surface structure. 4ven together the verbal and nonverbal aspects of the message may express only a part of the thought. The surface structure of a message may represent a generali+ation, a deletion or a distortion of the underlying deep structure, thought or message. A young child may call any adult male "daddy" until he differentiates his father from all other men. This is a generali+ation. *ith deletions one may pay attention to certain aspects of experience while avoiding others. A teenager may tell her parents or friends how "wonderfully handsome )ohn is," while failing to thin about or communicate the fact that )ohn is also irresponsible. (istortion occurs when we allow ourselves to ma e shifts in our experience of sensory data. Mom tells her young son to put on his coat before going to school. The child responds by wal ing out into the bris fall air and says, "I don5t need a coat. It5s not cold at all." &enerali+ation, deletion and distortion may occur at the level of thought or communication. Dur thin ing and thus our communication is limited by neurological constraints, social constraints and individual constraints. Dne cannot see in the absence of light. !eally loud sounds may damage hearing. The data of life which we ta e in through our senses is limited by the nature of these mechanisms. -ociety and the family in particular teach us certain perspectives. ?or example, is a policeperson viewed as a friend or helper, or is a policeperson viewed as the enemy, a "pigA" The view one has about policepersons is often influenced by the attitudes of parents, siblings and peers. There are also individual constraints. Dur uniCue personal history results in our personal perceptions being not Cuite li e anyone else5s. The message I intend to communicate may not be the same message you understand because each of us understands words, tones and nonverbals in somewhat uniCue ways. If I say that I am angry, does that mean I5m about to stri e someoneA (oes it mean I5m somewhat more than frustratedA In part it depends on the uniCue meaning I give to the word "angry."

In long=term relationships the patterns of communication have often become well entrenched. -ometimes the surface structure may be very sparse in relation to the deep structure. A word or a nod may contain a paragraph of information. This brevity has the advantage of being able to communicate a great deal very Cuic ly. Bowever, at points of difference or conflict, there is an even greater li elihood of misunderstanding through generali+ation, deletion or distortion. Dne metacommunication model psycholinCuists have developed to describe the human linguistic process is transformational grammar. As the elements of the model are described below, examples from the wor of 'andler and &rinder "./23# will follow. Appropriate communication has the Cuality of well=formedness. The sentence, "4ven the president has tapeworms," is well formed. "4ven the president has green ideas," is semantically ill formed. "4ven the president have tapeworms," is syntactically ill formed. Interestingly, native born children often recogni+e the ill=formedness or well=formedness of a sentence even though they cannot explicate the rule that is followed or bro en. Messages have a constituent structure. ?or example, in the sentence, "The &uru of 'en >omond thought !osemary was at the controls," "The &uru" goes together. "&uru of," does not go together. "!osemary was," goes together8 "was at," does not. All language has a constituent structure in which elements of the message go together while other elements do not. >ogical semantic relations are developed in terms of completeness, ambiguity "or a lac thereof#, synonymy, referential indices and presuppositions. "The woman isses..." is incomplete. Iissed whomA "Maxine too Max5s shirt off." *ho was wearing the shirtA *ithout further elaboration, ambiguity exists. In the phrase, "My car," my is a referential indice. $resuppositions abound in language. "My cat ran away," presupposes that I have a cat. The elements of logical semantic relations assist one toward greater understanding or misunderstanding of the deep structure of another5s message when only the surface structure is presented. -urface structure.

The woman bought a truc . (eep structure.

The woman bought from someone for some money. a truc Bow does one person come to understand the deep structure of another person5s messageA Bow does someone help another understand the other5s own deep structureA As suggested above, recogni+ing the elements of logical semantic relations can be helpful. In addition on may need to challenge the deep structure of the other person through Cuestioning generali+ations, deletions and distortions. Dne may also challenge the reality reference of the deep structure. An excellent example of the latter occurs in the reality therapy approach of &lasser "./63#. *hile wor ing with adolescents in the ,entura -chool for &irls, he found that when approached about their unlawful behavior these adolescent inmates often played the role of being mentally ill. "&ee, (octor, I5m confused." To such messages &lasser would respond, "Gou5re not here because you5re confused, but because you stole automobiles." Bere he challenges the reality of the deep structure of the adolescent5s message.

In order to ma e clarity out of chaos, one may challenge generali+ations. An impoverished message may have words or phrases with no referential index and verbs which are incompletely specified. The child says, "I5m scared." The Mother responds with, "Df what, of whomA" In this example the noun arguments were challenged. Dne may also challenge the verb process aspects of the message. ?or example, "Bow does your bedroom scare youA" Dne may also challenge deletions in order to clarify the deep structure of a message. *ith deletions it is often more helpful to pose a Cuestion than to fill in the deletion for the individual. ?or example, a wife may say to her husband, "*hat is it that stops you from trusting peopleA" This is a more helpful challenge than one which may raise defenses such as, "Gou don5t trust people because you5re afraid they5ll turn against you." It is also helpful to challenge distortions to clarify messages. The well=formedness of a communication may be at issue. ?or example, "&eorge forced Mary to weigh ..: pounds." Dnly through further statements or Cueries can such ill=formedness be clarified. Many communications contain distorted presuppositions which, if effectively challenged, can clarify the deep structure of a message. "I reali+e that my wife doesn5t love me," might be followed by, "*hat evidence do you have for your feeling that your wife doesn5t love youA" The natural flow of effective communication is filled with challenges of the types illustrated above. It is appropriate for such challenges to occur if the deep structure of a message is to be understood. The examples may give the impression that challenges create a sort of legalistic challengeLrebuttal pattern to the communication. This need not be the case at all. -ince all of us communicate messages with a surface structure which may inadeCuately represent the deep structure, it is very appropriate for the hearer of the message to challenge the message in an effort to clarify the deep structure richness of the message. This challenge may be very nonconfrontive and, in fact, supportive of the message sender. "Are you saying that incident really frustrates youA" "It sounds li e you really wish 'etty would loose a little weight." "I hear you saying you5re not ready to purchase a car at this time." -ome messages may have person specific affective meaning. "Gou received a grade of '." "Ges, I5m stupid." It can be helpful to identify for ourselves and others the inds of messages, phrases and words which elicit strong affective responses. 'y becoming aware we may be able to catch ourselves and prevent ourselves from being pulled into a particular affective state automatically. Awareness may give a person more self= control options than when one is "caught" unaware. There are times when it may be helpful not to clarify the deep structure of a message. This is particularly the case when the receiver of the message may act defensively toward the message. In such cases a metaphor may allow an individual to receive a message, while leaving to the receiver the responsibility for the interpretation of the deep structure. 'ecause metaphors by design are ambiguous in that several interpretations are possible, the communicator of a metaphor ris s misunderstanding. Metaphors should be carefully thought out to reduce the ris of misinterpretation. >onger, more complicated metaphoric communications may be in the form of stories, allegories and parables. $arents may find it helpful to respond to their teenager with a story rather than a direct comment in an effort to help the teenager come to her own conclusions. A typical teenage frustration may be of the, "*hy aren5t we eeping up with the )ones" variety. Tales such as the tortoise and the hare may helpthe teenager or child to see some fallacies in comparing oneself or one5s family with the neighbor5s. -ome stories may have a more universal appeal. The "garden" story has much to offer as an analogy to the struggle and accomplishment of growth. Thin of the rich, dar earth of a really healthy garden. Imagine your fingers digging into the soil. ?eel the moist healthy texture as you scoop out a place for the delicate seeds you are planting. Imagine the excitement in the coming wee s as the little plants burst out

of the ground see ing the sun. Notice how they struggle upwards ever growing, ever expanding. Gou water, fertili+e and weed. ?eel the sense of helpful control as you create a near perfect climate for the plants. As time goes on fruit begins to appear. *hat a delight to see the fruit ripening. Then comes the <oy of the harvest and the feast of plenty as the garden produces and multiplies. Dh how delicious the fruit that is grown by your own hands. Then comes the peace as the garden settles into to the rest of *intertime only to prepare to burst forth again in a renewing -pring. The Transactional Model 'erne "./6.# has proposed a model of human functioning which begins with an intrapsychic structure not too dissimilar from that of ?reud5s. Bowever, 'erne also postulates the interaction of two individual5s psychological structure in communications called transactions. 'erne begins with three ego states which he calls the $arent, the Adult and the %hild. The $arent state, not unli e the superego, is particularly influenced by the individuals own parents, their values, attitudes, pre<udices and "shoulds". *ithin the parent ego state are three ma<or componentsE the nurturing parent, the pre<udicial parent and the critical parent. The parent "spea s" from a "top dog" perspective. !oles typical of the parent state include the teacher, the boss and of course the parent. The pre<udicial parent is arbitrary, sometimes nonrational and often prohibitive. The nurturing parent manifests sympathy. The second ego state is the Adult. >i e ?reud5s ego the Adult moves toward "what wor s". This may involve compromise, negotiation and settlement. The Adult is well aware of the conflicting messages from external sources as well as the other two states within. Adult process wor toward resolution. Adult relationships are eCual and egalitarian in nature. The most obvious example is friendship. The third ego state is the %hild. The %hild is a much more expanded concept than ?reud5s id. There are three subcomponents of the %hildE the adapted child, the little professor and the natural child. The adapted child responds with compliance or withdrawal as if under the dominance of parental influence. The natural child responds with rebelliousness or self=indulgence. $lay is an important Cuality of the natural child as is sexual behavior. The natural child is impulsive and pleasure loving. The little professor acts li e the adult, at least temporarily, to achieve childish aims. The little professor also represents intuitive wisdom. In the healthy functioning individual all three ego states are manifest ;with the adult playing an executive role. -ometimes structural defects occur. *hen one ego state functions, but not the other two, the structure is fixed. *hen the adult ego state is too strongly influenced by either the child or parent ego state, the adult ego state is contaminated. *hen two ego states function, but not the third, the latter is decommissioned. The reader is referred to 'erne "./6.# for a more elaborate discussion of the ego states. ?or our purpose a critical contribution to communication is 'erne5s theory of transactional analysis. A transaction is a communication between two individuals. According to 'erne the most healthy inds of communications "transactions# are complimentary and parallel. The ego state of a first person communicates with the ego state of a second person. The second person responds from the ego state spo en to by the first person and responds bac to the same ego state from which the first person spo e. ?or example, a supervisor may say to the supervisee, "*ould you please get me a hammer so I can drive this nail in fartherA" The supervisee might respond, "-ure. I5ll be right bac ." In this example the parent ego state of the supervisor communicates to the child state of the supervisee. The supervisee responds from the child ego state to the parent ego state of the supervisor. This example illustrates a parallel transaction. It is parallel because both individuals respond from the ego state which was addressed. 4xample one below illustrates the transaction. 4xample . 4xample 1 $$$$

AAAA %%%% -uperviser -upervisee ?riend A ?riend ' In the second example two friends are spea ing to each other, both seeing each other as eCuals and communicating from the adult ego state. In parallel transactions the channels are open and the relationship is strengthened. The ego states of the two people communicating could be adult to adult, parent to child, child to parent, child to child, etc. 'elow are some more examples of such communications. 4xample @ 4xample : 4xample 3 $$$$$$ AAAAAA %%%%%% Busband *ife $arent %hild ?riend ?riend -ex $arenting ?riendship >ess healthy communications or transactions are crossed or ulterior. In crossed transactions the ego state of person one directs his communication to an ego state of the second person. Bowever, the response of the second person is either not from the ego state to which the original communication was directed, or the response is sent to a different ego state of the first individual than the one from which the first person spo e. In crossed communication the channels are closed and the relationship is threatened. 4xamples which three and four illustrate crossed transactions. 4xample 6 4xample 2 $$$$ AAAA %%%% Busband *ife Teenager $arent In example six above the husband says to the wife, "It must have been a difficult day with the children." The wife responds, "Bow dare you critici+e the way I deal with the children. Gou5re never home to help with themF" In the seventh example the teenager says, ")im and Mary are thin ing about living together." The parent responds, "That5s terribleF Gou5d better not even be thin ing about that." In both of these examples communication cannot be clear because parallel ego states are not involved. Non= corresponding motives and defenses may be operating during such transactions. *ith ulterior transactions there are two contrasting levels of communication going on simultaneously8 usually one communication is at the social level, and a second is at the psychological level. %ommunication will be open or closed dependent upon whether the message exchange at the psychological level is parallel or crossed.

4xample 0 4xample / $$$$ AAAA %%%% -alesperson %ustomer *oman Man In example eight the customer as s, "Bow much does that vacuum costA" The salesperson responds, "I5m not sure you can afford this vacuum." To this the customer responds, "That5s the one I5ll ta e." At the psychological level the salesperson is communicating, "There5s something wrong with you, with your earning power." The customer responds, "I5ll show you I5m not inferior and can afford nice things." 4xample nine illustrates a common situation among two individuals who are dating. Dutside the woman5s door, the woman says, "*ould you li e to come in and see a new painting I <ust acCuiredA" At the psychological level she may be saying, "%ome in. I want to be more intimate with you." The man responds, "I5d love to see the painting." Be may be also saying at the psychological level, "I want to be more intimate with you also." 'erne "./6:# suggests that individuals may develop patterns of transactions that in the long run "hurt" one or both of the participants and maintain unhealthy relationships. Be calls such patterns games. "...a game can be defined transactionally as a set of ulterior transactions. (escriptively, it is a recurring set of transactions, often reiterative, superficially plausible, with a concealed motivation8 or more colloCuially, as series of moves with a snare or 5gimmic 5" "p. .7:#. ?or example, the game "rappo" might be played as follows. The wife may be wearing a very seductive outfit late in the evening and ma e some initial moves which imply a desire for intimacy. If the husband responds positively, two endings are possible. In the "little rap" the woman may suddenly turn cool, communicating, "No than s" or "Gou don5t measure up." In the more destructive seCuence some intimacy occurs to which the wife responds, "That wasn5t much" or "*hat a letdown." Teenagers sometimes try the game "poor me" when attempting to persuade their parents. "All the other ids are doing it." "I5m the only one who must be home at ..E77." %hildren often get into the game of "intelligence" with their siblings. The focus is, "I now something you don5t" or "I can do something better than you." A fuller description of games and many illustrations can be found in 'erne5s "./6:# &ames $eople $lay. 'erne suggests that individuals also develop larger patterns or life plans. Be calls such plans scripts. -cripts are often unconscious and are developed during childhood. 'ecause they are developed early in life, they may not accurately reflect the person5s true strengths and wea nesses. They may also continue to exert an inappropriate influence long after life events have moved the person in a direction inconsistent with the original life script. Instead of revising the script, one may doggedly pursue a low probability seCuence of events. -ome themes for life scripts are tragic in nature. ?or example, the "-anta %laus" payoff suggests, "I must hurt now, but eventually I5ll get a big dividend later." >ife scripts can also contain many helpful themes and be a motivation for improvement, goal orientation and success. !ealistic expectations and effective planning are ey elements in the reali+ation of healthy life scripts. ?ailure to understand one5s own and other5s scripts may create many difficulties in communication. Nondirective Approaches to %ommunication &ordon "./27# has applied to family functioning many of the basic principles asserted by %arl !ogers. In the context of warmth, empathy and congruence effective communication can be enhanced

through active listening. Much miscommunication occurs because one or more of the individuals is not listening, not listening with the intent of really understanding or not communicating to the spea er that they are trying to understand what is said. In active listening the listener communicates through posture, nonverbals such as head nodding and brief reflective or interrogative statements that he is really listening. $icture a listener directly facing the spea er, attending attentively, nodding his head, and periodically saying such things as, "Bum," "I see," "-ounds frustrating," "*ow," "%ould you give me an exampleA" "(oes that mean ...A" "That was greatF" These behaviors all suggest, "I want to hear what you say." "Gou5re worth listening to." "Gou matter." "Gour ideas matter." The communication of such concepts to the spea er are all a part of active listening. 'e careful to note that interest does not need to be eCuated with agreement. It is possible to listen actively but disagree with the content of the message. ?or example one might say, "Although I have a somewhat different perspective about that, I really appreciate hearing your views." *hen individuals communicate "actively" they not only share a content message but also they share at the emotional level. -uch sharing gives richness and vitality to marriage and family relationships. %ouples and families see ing therapy because their marital andLor family relationships are not meeting their expectations, often report that they no longer ta e time to share with each other. A simple tas for improving relationships is to calendar times each day to share. These times may be <ust .3 or 17 minutes, but they can have a great impact on the Cuality of the relationship. -uch experiences tend to build trust, communicate caring and provide fundamental opportunities to grow in understanding. -ome time ago I saw a boy ten years of age who was threatening the neighborhood children with a nife. Be would steal one bicycle to ride to school and steal another to ride home. Bis mother and the school authorities were very concerned. In interviewing the mother I learned that the boy5s father had moved out of the home several months ago, but had recently moved bac home, not because the family relationship had improved, but because of his own inadeCuacies in living alone and finding a <ob. Although he was bac in the home he, too no responsibility for raising his son. The treatment consisted of as ing the mother to spend .3 minutes a day with the boy. Dn one day the mother would choose the activity and on the next day the boy would choose. In <ust two wee s the presenting problems ceased and the boy began to do better in school. Hndoubtedly other factors besides active listening played a role in the boy5s change, but the few minutes of sharing was the ma<or observable difference in the relationship between mother and son. *hen a couple or a parent and child disagree a variation of active listening can be helpful in improving communication. The techniCue is called echoing. The procedure for using echoing is as follows. Dne person initiates echoing by ma ing a simple statement, communicating something about the disagreement. ?or example, the wife may say, "I get really anxious when you don5t come home at the time you said you would." Then the husband says what he thin s the wife was communicating. Be eeps ma ing statements until the wife answers "yes" to three of them. Be begins his response with, "Are you saying . . . .A" ?or example, to the above statement the husband might respond, "Are you saying that you don5t trust me when I come home lateA" "No." "*hoops, try again.# "Are you saying that you worry about me when I come home lateA" "Ges." "That5s oneF# "Are you saying that you5re concerned about my safety when I come home lateA" "Ges." "That5s twoF#

"Are you saying that the whole issue of my lateness is my physical healthA" "No." "*hoops, try again.# "Are you saying that you don5t thin I care about your feelings when I come home late without telling youA" "GesF" Notice how much more the husband understands about the wife5s statement after getting three yeses. At this point the roles switch and the husband ma es a statement to which the wife must ma e interpretations until the husband answers "yes" three times. If the problem has not been resolved through understanding alone, then other aspects of problem solving and conflict resolution can be used. The purpose of echoing is better understanding. It may seem mechanical at first, but if pursued whenever conflicts occur, many misunderstandings can be resolved. $rinciples for !esolving (isagreements in !elationships There are only five possible outcomes when differences exist between two or more people. .. 4veryone agrees to one person5s perspective. 1. 4veryone agrees to a compromise. @. 4veryone agrees to tolerate the difference. :. The relationship can end. 3. No solution can be reached. Agreement means genuine agreement with no serious resentments. Many individuals have disagreements but never reach a real solution. Instead, time reduces the sting of the disagreement until it resurfaces again in a slightly different set of circumstances. This cycle may repeat itself many times, each time hurting the participants and creating distance in the relationship. The principles to follow are intended to increase the probability of the first three outcomes. Interpersonal %risis Management. *hen interpersonal disagreements result in intense negative emotions, family members should eep in mind the emotionality principle discussed earlierE *hen emotions are intense, the greater the intensity, the less the amount of rational control people exert over their behavior, and the less the intensity the greater the control. It is important for each family member to learn to identify the bodily signals that indicate increasing emotional intensity. -ome people experience a tightening of muscles. Dthers become flushed. -till others feel their stomachs beginning to "turn." There are many other possibilities. Intense negative emotions have two components. ?irst there is the energy component. Individuals in conflict should learn to get the energy out in a safe way, which will not hurt anyone or exacerbate the problem. ?or example, one man would leave the house and wal around the bloc . A woman would stri e the empty bed with a large flat frying pan. "It ma es a real rac et.# Another man attached a punching bag to his basement ceiling and would hit the bag until he calmed down. *hatever the activity, it needs to be one that gets the energy out safely. -econd, when in rational control, family members wor out one of the three preferred solutions listed above with each other. It is vital for individuals in conflict to go on to this second step. -ome people delay resolving the difference, once the energy of the situation has been

reduced, only to have it surface again in a new context. -pecific procedures for resolving differences are discussed in the next few pages. -ometimes differences arise in a context in which there is no time for lengthy discussion. In these situations a decision must be made immediately. Imagine that it5s five minutes to seven and )ohn and his spouse must be at separate places at seven. -uddenly, the .2 year old daughter announces that she needs one of the cars to get to her bas etball practice. There are only two cars in the family. *hat does one doA *hen a decision must be made immediately, the person "in charge" should arbitrarily ma e the best decision she can. A time should then be set to do a "post mortum" on the effects of the decision and develop a long term solution for future li e situations. In the example above perhaps the wife is the "auto mechanic" of the family and, thus, in charge of the cars. -he might say, "(ad, you ta e the 4dsel, and Mary, you drive me to the committee meeting in the van. Then you go to your practice, Mary. (ad, if you could pic me up when your meeting is over, I thin it would all wor out." Df course there are many other resonable possibilities. The ey is that all concerned recogni+e the immediacy of the situation and go along with the person "in charge." >ater the family may decide to write down all evening appointments on a family calendar so that such problems can be anticipated and a more discussed and reasoned decision reached when schedule conflicts arise. &ordon "./27# has suggested a "no lose" problem solving method. The steps of the method can be best carried out when a time to discuss the problem has been set aside and when emotions are less intense. ?amily members in conflict should proceed as followsE .. (efine the problem. -tate the concern briefly and succinctly. 1. 'rain storm. *rite down all possible solutions as suggested by anyone participating. No suggested solution should be critici+ed or excluded at this point. @. 4liminate unacceptable solutions. If all solutions are re<ected, return to step one. It may be helpful to briefly state why each solution was re<ected. Dften all solutions are re<ected because the stated problem was not the real problem. ?or example, arguments about what time a teenager should come home from an activity are often really concerns about trust regarding alcohol consumption or sexual activity. If one of these latter concerns is the real issue, that issue must be discussed and then the time to come in issue can be resolved. :. If after re<ecting the unacceptable solutions, there is more than one acceptable solution left choose the best solution. This is a good situation for parents to allow children to choose the final solution. -ince all of the solutions left are acceptable trust in the child5s capacity can be demonstrated by allowing him to ma e the choice. 3. Implement the solution. (iscuss when and how to implement the decision that has been reached. 6. After the solution has been implemented and is in operation for a while, follow up to see how the solution is wor ing. Ma e refinements if necessary. 'ach and *yden "./6/# have suggested some additional elements to increase the effectiveness of problem solving in their creative rules for fair "fighting." They remind family members that "fights" should be held in order to reach a solution, not to gain a victory. The resolution of differences "fighting# is a necessary ingredient to the growth of any relationship. No physical violence is allowed in fair "fighting". The grieved individual should state the "gripe" in the form of a reCuest not a demand. Ma e it a positive reCuest. Hse "I" statements. No stamp collecting. %lear the air as soon as possible. Although "fighting" is scary, the resolution of conflict is only reali+ed when family members persist with the process. "?ight" about one thing at a time. If the "fight" is a Cuestion of fact, then it is one5s duty to get the facts. If the "fight" is a matter of opinion,

family members in conflict must wor toward one of the three preferred solutions. (on5t play archaeologist. ?ocus clearly on the real issue of current concern. (on5t dig problems up out of the past. No hitting below the belt. No personal attac s or name calling. *hy should family members use an atomic bomb when a sCuirt=gun will doA !emember, one is not out to destroy the enemy, but to discover the person with whom one is in "combat". Dne should state gripes in terms of behaviors, not states of being. "Gou didn5t tell me you were coming home late and would miss dinner," instead of "Gou5re nothing but a liar and a cheatF" Dne cannot refuse to "fight". If something is important enough to one person in the relationship, it is worth "fighting" over. It is sometimes necessary to ma e an appointment to "fight" so that each can be prepared and reasonably calm. No leaving the "fight" in the middle, unless there is a mutual agreement to a truce and a time set aside to complete the discussion. No third parties should be involved in setting or enforcing the rules. No friends or relatives opinions should be used <ust because they wor in those other relationships. (iscuss family members5 roles, talents, preferences. Try to figure out what they are, how they are developed and how they are maintained. Dnly those involved in the relationship should be involved in the setting of the rules. (on5t play psychologist. ?amily members in conflict should not try to tell each other what the other is thin ing or feeling or why one is doing something. This is covered by the most famous ruleE ?amily members should never assume. (on5t try to mind read, it5s impossible, so as instead. (on5t ma e speeches. Dne states the problem, and then lets the other person answer. If the other person states a point, the first person responds to that point before ma ing a new point. Answer Cuestions directly. No emotional blac mail. "If you really loved me, you would . . . ." No fair using love or sex as a weapon or punishment or threat. Two "ounces" of prevention. ?irst, discuss each person5s roles in the relationship. *ho is "in charge" of what situationsA In what circumstances can "in charge" be rotatedA !oles may change as a function of time and changing interests also. -econd, those family members care about the most deserve the best etiCuette. %ultivate courtesy and politeness. !emember that profanity suggests lac of creativity in finding a more precise and cultured phrase. In the following example the -mith family found themselves missing each other5s activities and having to be too many places all at the same time. They decided to use the "no lose" problem solving method. )ac , the ?ather, as ed if the family could gather in the living room on -unday afternoon at 1E77. 4lise, the Mother8 Alice, age .28 'ennie, age .18 and ?reddy, age 0 all agreed and were there at the appointed time. Mom began, " I feel li e we never now what5s going on among family members." "Gou mean you don5t trust us," as ed Alice. "No. It5s not a Cuestion of trust. I <ust feel li e we missa lot of your activities because we aren5t aware of them in advance and have conflicting activities." "*hat could we do about it," Cuestioned (adA ">et5s ma e a list of possible solutions," offered 'ennie.

Bere5s the list the family came up withE .. !estrict certain activities to specific nights. 1. %hec with each family member before planning an activity. @. *rite down up=coming activities on a family calendar and discuss situations where more than one event occurs at the same time. :. !ecogni+e that we5ll <ust have to miss some things, so leave things the way they are. 3. $ut Mom in charge and clear all activities through her. After much discussion of each alternative family members re<ected all the solutions except number @. Alice agreed to buy a very large calendar to hang in the itchen. 4veryone agreed to write down their activities on the calendar. ?reddy suggested that -unday afternoon would be a good time to review the calendar and resolve conflicts of scheduling. Three wee s later the family discussed the new calendaring system. They decided that there were still some conflicts because some events came up suddenly. Bowever, they all agreed that the system was better than before they used the calendar. All family members agreed to try and write down every event as soon as they became aware of it. (rei urs5 ?amily %ouncil It is extremely helpful to have a regular forum where family members can discuss concerns and ma e plans. (rei urs, et al. "./26# call this a family council. It is a wee ly meeting of all family members who are living "under the same roof." There should be a chairperson to facilitate the discussion and organi+e the agenda, and a secretary to write down the action items. These two positions should be rotated to all family members, except very young children. Any family member can place an item on the agenda. 4ach family member is encouraged to spea up regarding every issue. No one should be punished for stating their opinion. (ecision ma ing can be done through consensus, near consensus or ma<ority vote depending on the wish of the family. Typical content of a family council might include calendaring, scheduling, use of the family car"s#, us of other shared resources, specific family problems, teaching values, fun activities, vacations, pro<ect planning, and sharing experiences. *here appropriate the "no lose" problem solving method can be followed. A desert is often a welcome conclusion to the council. -ome families try to plan a whole evening together. ?amily councils can begin even before a couple marries and continue on until all of the children have left home and one of the spouses dies. -ummary %ommunication theories fit harmoniously with systems theory and have many elements of common history and early proponents. The principles discussed in communication theories have tremendous application to solving marital and family conflicts and to enhancing the growth of individuals in the marital and family setting. -ince one cannot not communicate, understanding some rules of effective communication can greatly improve marital and family relationships. Not all of the principles discussed in this chapter are right for everycouple or family, but many will assist family members in reaching their personal and relationship goals and improve the Cuality of the process of growth. ?amily members are encouraged to try them out. They can be adapted to the uniCue needs of each family situation.

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!eturn to $sychotherapy with ?amilies Table of %ontents !eturn to (ennis Iarpowit+ Bome $age