You Just Dont Understand: Women

and Men in Conversation

by Deborah Tannen
First Harper Paperback Edition - 2007
ISBN: 978-0-06-095962-3
Summary by Douglas W. Green, EdD
DrDougGreen.Com
[email protected]
Friday, October 22, 2010
For more go to DrDougGreen.Com If you like this summary, buy the book.
Who is Deborah Tannen?

Deborah Tannen is an internationally recognized scholar

and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University in
Washington, D.C. In this book she uses scientic insight
and humor to show why women and men can walk
away from the same conversation with completely
different impressions of what was said. This book will
allow people of both genders to better understand each
other and to communicate more effectively. The
examples of real conversations are informative and very
entertaining. This book is a classic in the eld of
interpersonal relations. It should be on the shelf
wherever men and women work and live together.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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The Main Idea

There are gender differences in ways of speaking,

and we need to identify and understand them.
Otherwise we are doomed to blame others or
ourselves for the damaging effects. If we recognize
and understand the differences, we can take them
into account, adjust to, and learn from each others
styles. This will allow us to confront real conicts of
interest.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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The Importance of Metamessages

A metamessage is what is actually communicated as

opposed to what is said. It is comprised of the actual words
along with body language, tone of voice, and implied
meanings attributed to the actual words. A message offering
help, for example, may send the message that I am more
capable than you. Metamessages also serve to frame a
conversation. If you talk to someone as if you are a teacher
and they are a student, they may perceive your way of
talking as condescending or pedantic. If you talk like a
student, you may be seen as insecure, incompetent, or
nave. Protective gestures from men are traditional, while
many men resist protective gestures from women.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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You hear what you want to hear.

Much - even most - meaning in conversation does

not reside in the words spoken at all, but is lled in
by the person listening. One key inferred attribute
deals with status. People will determine if someone
speaking to them is speaking from a position of
higher status, equality, or lower status. The actual
status may have nothing to do with the perception.
(Doug: As a principal you can speak so as to make a
parent, teacher, or student feel equal or subordinate.
It is a choice you can make.) Men are more likely to
jockey for status in a conversation.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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Intimacy and Independence

We all need both. Women tend to focus on intimacy

while men focus on independence. Interviews with
teachers show that women teach to connect with
and inuence students. Male teachers tend to join
the profession for the freedom it offers. As a result,
communication between genders can be thought of
as cross-cultural. Even siblings brought up in the
same house experience different worlds of words.
Adults talk to boys and girls differently. Boys play in
large groups where competition is featured. Girls
play in small groups with a focus on communication.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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Mr Fixit

When women complain to other women about an

emotional problem, they are likely to get sympathy. When
they complain to men, they are more likely to get
suggestions for a solution to the problem. The
metamessage the woman is sending is a bid for
understanding. By giving advice men are seen as superior.
This leads to frustration on both sides. Other asymmetries
arise when it comes to giving and receiving advice. Men
prefer to give rather than receive. If women give advice to
men they may add there might be a better way.
Knowing something or being able to x something is
more fundamental to our notion of masculinity. Women
are more likely to be givers of praise than information.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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Public Talk/Private Talk
Onstage vs. Backstage

Studies show that in public or business settings that

men talk more. The opposite is true at home. For
many men, the comfort of home means freedom
from having to prove themselves through verbal
display. Men tend to be more comfortable in using
talk to claim attention. Home is where women feel
free to talk. The seeds of these tendencies are sown
in the ways that women and men learn to use
language while growing up. When women talk in
public their arguments often carry less weight as they
are more likely to generalize from their own
experience.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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Gossip

Many women regard exchanging details about the

personal lives as a basic ingredient of intimacy. Such
gossip is an essential part of friendship for most women.
Men do not generally share this view. Men are more
likely to talk about the details of politics, news, and
sports.Telling people your secrets is evidence of
friendship, but can make you personally vulnerable. Men
usually do not want to take this type of risk. When men
do talk about personal situations, the details are often
minimal and vague. Gossip gets a bad name as it often
focuses on the weaknesses, character aws, and failures
of third persons, so that the participants can feel superior.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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Who Lectures, Who Listens?

Men value the position of center stage and the feeling of

knowing more. They seek opportunities to gather and
disseminate factual information. Women are more
interested in personal information and are frustrated when
a conversation turns into a lecture. Even when women
know more, less knowledgable men may dominate.
Women may lack experience defending themselves and
may misinterpret challenges as personal attacks. They
may be inclined not to share what they know. When
women listen, they are more likely to give more audible
and physical responses than men. Feedback and support
from a woman may make it seem like she talks too much.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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Different Conict Styles

For most women, conict is a threat to connection, to be

avoided at all costs. Many man nd conict is a necessary
way to establish status. Friendship among men often has an
element of friendly aggression. The appearance of
community among women may mask power struggles.
Women do want to get their way, but not at the cost of
conict. Gossip too can be competitive. Girls will say Lets
do something while boys say do this. For men, power
comes from individual action. For women, the community is
the source of power. Womens inclination to seek agreement
may make them better managers as they are more inclined
to consult others. Tannen suggests that both genders could
benet from exibility and understanding the others style.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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Who is Interrupting Who?

Tannen nds this topic rather complex. Research shows

that men interrupt women more often. At its worst, it is a
kind of conversational bullying that sends metamessages
that the partner doesnt care or isnt interested. At its
best, it can show support and participation. More
interruption is observed among women who engage in
cooperative overlapping talk. This has led to the
clucking hen stereotype. When men interrupt women,
they are more likely overlap in an uncooperative manner
that can usurp or switch the topic. Cultural differences
also make this a tricky topic to study. A polite Californian
might be seen as rude if she moved to Vermont.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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Life is not fair!

When men and women get together in groups, they are

likely to talk in ways more familiar and comfortable to the
men. This is distressing in a society where equality is a
goal, and where more women are entering high-status
positions. If women speak in ways expected of women,
they are seen as inadequate leaders. If they speak like
men, they are seen as inadequate women. Since women
hesitate to be one-up, they may nd themselves framed as
one-down. When men talk like women they are often not
seen negatively. Women tend to apologize more, which
leads to a one-down frame. Mens style is generally
evaluated more positively and is taken as the norm.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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Different Species

Studies of video tapes of conversations between pairs of boys

and pairs of girls show that regardless of age, women sit
closer to each other and look at each other more directly.
While women are indirect about their speech, men are
indirect when it comes to physical alignment and verbally
expressing personal problems. Women often talk with rising
intonation at the end of each phrase, which makes
everything sound like a question. The purpose my be to
encourage the listener to participate by saying something like
uh huh. Boys endure far more correction in school as they
are more active. Their play is often parallel rather than
coordinated. Adult gender patterns show up in Tannens
studies of three-year olds and second graders.
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Friday, October 22, 2010
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You dont need to change, you just
need to understand the difference.

Understanding and accepting the differences between

mens and womens styles can improve relationships and
make it easier to resolve disagreements. It can be helpful
for women to be more assertive and men to be more
sensitive, but changing your style is like changing who
you are. Women can learn how to accept some conict
and difference without seeing it as a threat to intimacy.
Many men can learn to accept interdependence without
seeing it as a treat to their freedom.

Finally, keep in mind that their are exceptions to all of

the generalizations presented.
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Friday, October 22, 2010