THE WAVERLY NEWS

Spring, 1996 - Volume III, Issue IV

Greenwich, CT
The Ideal Waverly
Wed., 5/15 1:00 pm - 5:00 pm Practice round for early arrivals - The Pit Golf Links.
6:00 pm - 7:00 pm Large post round crap.
7:00 pm - 8:00 pm Clubhouse shower and massage.
8:00 pm - 10:00 pm Dinner - Large filet mignon and three ice cold Heinekens.
11:00 pm Lights out.

Thurs., 5/16 7:00 am Alarm.

7:05 am - 7:45 am Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:00 am Lear jet arrives for trip to Augusta National, site of 1st round.
9:30 am - 11:30 am Front nine.
11:45 am - 12:45 pm Lunch - Grilled tuna and clams on the half shell, Matanzas Merlot.
1:00 pm - 3:00 pm Back nine. Shit, shower, shave, full massage.
7:30 pm - 9:00 pm Dinner in Clubhouse - Steamed lobster tails, Chateau Lafite Rothchild.
9:30 pm Lear jet returns to Chapel Hill Four Seasons. After dinner drinks.
11:30 pm Lights out.

Fri., 5/17 7:00 am - 7:40 am Alarm, room service, Stoli Bloody Marys, shower.
7:45 am - 8:30 am Mammoth grunt while reading Penthouse Forum.
9:00 am Limos arrive for trip to Pinehurst #2, site of 2nd round.
10:00 am - 12:00 pm Front nine. Lunch: Jumbo Tiger shrimp and gourmet salad, Dewars & soda.
1:00 pm - 3:00 pm Back nine. Shit, shower, shave, full massage.
5:30 pm - 7:30 pm Dinner in private dining room: Fettucine alfredo, Bombay Sapphire martini.
7:30 pm - 8:30 pm Limos returns to Chapel Hill Four Seasons. After dinner drinks.
10:00 pm Lights out.

Sat., 5/18 7:00 am Alarm.

7:05 am - 7:45 am Massive pounder while reading NY Times Business section, portfolio is up.
8:00 am Lear jet arrives for trip to Kiawah Island, site of 3rd round.
9:30 am - 11:30 am Front nine.
11:45 am - 12:45 pm Lunch: Two dozen oysters, ice cold Amstel Light.
1:00 pm - 3:00 pm Back nine. Shit, shower, shave, full massage.
7:30 pm - 9:00 pm Dinner in Clubhouse: Gorgonzola salad, Louis XIII cognac, Cohiba Churchill.
9:30 pm Lear jet returns to Chapel Hill Four Seasons.
11:30 pm Post tournament party and awards.

For What It's Worth

From Bob Hope - "If you watch a game it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."
From Jules Renard - "There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last."
From Arnold Palmer - “Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated. It satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at
the same time rewarding and maddening. It is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.”

Stocks To Watch
Market 12/14/95 04/05/96 Comments
IBM NYSE $94.500 $114.875 Hold - Broad tech stock correction taking place.
Loral NYSE $34.875 $ 47.125 Hold - Politically sensitive now, no budget yet.
Presstek Nasdaq $90.500 $114.500 Buy - Check your Summer, 1995 Newsletter price!!

Although it’s an election year, one veteran Waverly stock tipster predicts a stock market crash in 1996. It's against this
newsletter's policy to divulge sources without permission, so let's just say this shit merchant and Danny DeVito would see "eye to
eye" on this issue.

News, Notes & Dirt

A few thoughts during a slow day at the office ....... The only entry fee to come in with the wife’s signature was the Jell-O Shot’s -
why does this not surprise me .......The last time any politician had an original idea, he left it swirling in the bowl ....... What ever
happened to Ian Baker-Finch ....... The official slogan of the 1996 Waverly is "Don't worry, the worst you can do is come in last"
....... Every kid knows that the sole purpose of a middle name is too let them know when they're in big trouble ....... "Go ahead,
make my day." ....... If Courtenay got as much tooky as he boasts to get, the man would be in the intensive care unit suffering from
severe dehydration ....... Did you ever want to stand up and argue a few points in church ....... Everyone is awe of the lion tamer in
a cage with half a dozen lions - everyone but a school bus driver and a waiter serving Waverly contestants ....... Limousine’s
definition of happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family of in-laws, preferably living in another city ....... Did you see
the story about the business executive that climbed up on the airline serving cart and defecated, he’s my neighbor ....... Marty is
looking for a roommate, his previous reports “I’m still a little crusty from our last encounter” ....... There are three things every man
thinks he can do better than any other man; wash his car, manage a baseball team, and make love to a woman.

What You Should Know

Here are the latest details for Waverly 96. Reconfirm with the Commish your date and time of arrival, 919-968-2537, and he will
send you a map if you need one. Practice round details are being worked on. Arrangement were made at two very private clubs,
but then they found out Horn was coming and we got the boot. The ever popular Calcutta auction will take place Wednesday
night. Also, we need to come up with some gift ideas for the people taking care of us (now there’s an understatement) at the hotel.
Let Ricky know of any suggestion you may have.

Round Holes Tee Time Course Green Fee Comments

First 27 8:30 am Governors Club $85 A classy joint, pricey, but well worth it.

Second 27 9:00 am Mill Creek $55 A good middle round course.

Third 18 12:50 pm The Nuese $40 Gotta love that name, bring your own rope.

Sadly, using the paddles on Dean to revive him after that record +52 proved to be too much. He went under the knife for back
surgery in February and will miss this year’s tournament. Our ever sympathetic Commish has granted Crash-N-Burn a medical
leave and we are confident he will return in 1997. In the meanwhile, we wish Dean all the best during his recovery, we’ll leave the
light on for you Deano.

Finally, three new Waverly descendants will be joining the world. The Bull, Razor and Iceman spent time doing the “Nasty" during
the recent long, cold winter and are now expecting. Congratulations.

Fly Boy Trivia

Do you know the name of the private jet owned by Jack Nicklaus?

Piss Me Off
Doesn't it just get your Irish up when:
- Vinny Bag-a-Donuts, wearing a tank-top, playing in the group ahead of you, and already holding up play, circles back looking for
a lost club.
- Your partner, who is playing worse than you, insists on giving you a lesson on the course and then to top it off, runs out of balls on
the front nine.
- A player carries $2,000 worth of clubs, but never has a tee to his name.

Life Is Almost Complete

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch break,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I
manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I master computer
software in one hour. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Yankees and Canadiens. I am subject of numerous
documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after
work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, a shrewd investor, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line
of corduroy golf wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
weekend passes.

Last summer I toured Vermont with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I referee hockey. I run the mile in under 4
minutes. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in
one day and still had time to refurbish my entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Ireland, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do
not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a
mouli and toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and
spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, I have flown jet fighters, and I have spoken with Elvis.

3
But I have yet to win the Waverly Invitational.

It's that time of year again. Safe travel, have fun, enjoy the moment. Looking forward to it.

Golf's Funniest Home Videos

Please remember to charge your batteries and bring your camcorder this year.

The Field, The Handicap:

Dean "Crash-N-Burn" Warrick (30) -Maryland still stink from last year's display. Recuperating nicely.
Rick "Commish" Hakes (20) - Field is hoping he takes another lesson, usually in final round foursome.
Pat "5-O" Horn (26) - Final foursome definite, watch for his NYPD Blue cameo this spring.
Billy "Razor" Gillette (16) - The Waverly Newsletter runner-up, rainy weather is worst enemy.
Tim "BSM" Bardo (8)- Just along for gas money, needs miracle for net contention. Low gross favorite.
Tom "12" Courtenay (12) - Thinks moving day is for getting away from creditors, handicap too right.
Tom "GQ" Barnes (10) - The Waverly Newsletter favorite for 1996, is the low handicapper’s hero.
Marty "Hurlish" Kurlich (10) - Will be gunning for the Bobby Jones again, low gross runner-up.
Jim "Jell-O Shot" Cadden (20) - Hopes his third is a charm, will have to increase mental toughness.
Sam "The Bull" Goble (21) - Cocky about repeating, needed help with spelling of his name for the plaque.
Pat "Ice Man" English (28) - Attending religious ceremonies & asking for divine intervention.
Bill "Limousine" Carey (13) - Outside chance with honest handicap, along for the party. If going down to
the wire with him, just casually mention “The Tick.”

See You in Raliegh!

Next edition of The Waverly Newsletter: Summer, 1996.

Results of "Tournament 1996"
Trivia Answer: Air Bear